A/N: Warning extremely graphic violence towards toast. If you are squeamish look away and do not read because this is for mature audiences only!
You're toast
James Potter walked slowly down the stairs from the boys' dormitory into the Gryffindor common room, whilst rubbing the sleep from his eyes. He had woken at some ungodly hour of the morning to the smell of burning bread and decided to go down to common room to investigate the source of the smell. Sitting in front of the fire was Sirius Black, huge bags under his bloodshot eyes, levitating a slowly rotating piece of bread over the fire.
"Sirius, what the hell are you doing?" James asked casting a curious glance at the rather large pile of burnt toast sitting on the hearth of the fireplace. "Got to have toast" Sirius muttered. "What's wrong with this toast" James asked, gesturing to the pile of toast next to him. "It's not perfect. I need the perfect piece of toast" Sirius exclaimed, throwing another piece of, now burnt toast onto the pile. "You know that you could just go down to the kitchens and get the house elves to make you the perfect piece of toast"
"No, I have to make it myself. Otherwise it's just not right" Sirius said. James chuckled, somewhat amused by the situation. Moony has to see this he thought to himself. He walked up to the boys' dorm and jumped onto Remus's bed sending him sprawling over the floor. "What the hell!" he yelled, before sniffing at the air and asking. "Why do I smell burnt toast?"
"Come and have a look" James replied and together they walked down to the common room where Sirius was making toast. "What is he doing?" Remus asked. "Making toast" James said. "Isn't it obvious?"
"It's two o'clock in the morning he can't make toast this early and he's waking people up because of the smell of burnt toast." Remus said pointing at a couple of students who had just emerged into the common room. "Come on, lighten up Moony, just because you're a prefect now doesn't mean that you can stop a man from having breakfast, that's Lily's job." James said with a grin. "Besides, it's never too early for toast!"
"Why is there so much toast sitting by the fireplace?" Remus asked.
"Because, Padfoot's toast has to be perfect" James said. Remus thought that Sirius had lost his mind but then he asked. "And how are we supposed to get rid of all of this toast?
"Well I'm sure Wormtail will eat through his share, even if it is burnt" James said making them both laugh. Twenty minutes later, by which time a small crowd of ten people had gathered around Sirius, watching him attempt to cook the perfect piece of toast by hand. Wormtail chose that moment to enter the common room, and his eyes lit up at the sight of the pile of toast. This caused James and Remus to break into a fresh round of hysterics.
The gathered crowd watched in astonishment as Wormtail ate his way through the mountain of imperfect toast that Sirius had accumulated. In a matter of minutes Wormtail had demolished all of the toast sitting beside the fire and just as he consumed the last piece he was interrupted by Sirius's victorious yell. "I've done it, the perfect piece of toast!" he yelled at the top of his voice and the crowd applauded him and James bro fisted him. They were all so busy congratulating him that nobody noticed the crazed look in Wormtail's eye until it was too late. With speed that seemed out of place on the fat boy, Wormtail did a somersault through the air before eating Sirius's perfect piece of toast in one bite, right out of his hands, in mid-air. Sirius turned wide eyed to Wormtail was before letting out a pained cry, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" then suddenly his eyes became alight with fire and he turned his angry stare upon Wormtail, Making the boy squeak and run out of the fat lady's portrait with Sirius hot on his heels yelling at him "WORMTAIL…..YOU'RE TOAST!"