Destructive ways.
Disclaimer: If I was the great J.K I'd have my own private island and spend my days trying to seduce Johnny Depp. Sadly, I am not.
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Destructive circles.
"You know when I hate you, it's because I love you to a point of passion that unhinges my soul," Julie de Lespinasse.
"Will you always love me?" Penelope asked in a tiny voice. They were curled up on Sirius' small bed, their naked bodies pressed closely together. This was how she wanted to spend forever: lying naked in his arms. There was something so very comforting about his presence, and the way she felt so protected, so small in his arms.
This was how she wanted to spend forever.
It was scary, still being so young yet knowing certainly that she had found someone she could spend eternity with. Of course, in the after-sex bliss, she didn't remember all those times when she wanted nothing to do with him. She forgot how absolutely destructive they were with each other. Yet still so wonderfully perfect. If only things could stay perfectly perfect forever.
Sometimes, though, she just wanted to forget about him. Erase him. She knew he felt the same at those times…
"We were just talking!" he cried defensively.
"Really? Because you looked pretty bloody comfortable to me!"
"Just talking!" exasperated he threw his hands up in the air.
"Yeah, and I suppose you've only 'just talked' with all the other girls before me, you lying, cheating bastard!"
"Oh, I'm so sorry," he drawled sarcastically, "I didn't realize I wasn't allowed to have had a life before you."
"I'm just saying, isn't that how you cheated on all your other girlfriends before me? You were 'just talking' to some other girl, weren't you?"
"Well, maybe I did it because they turned into psychotic, jealous, over controlling bitches instead of acting like a girlfriend!" he gave her a pointed look, "maybe if you refrain from becoming one I won't have to 'just talk' with other girls!"
"Fine!" she cried and threw her arms up in the air before turning her back on him and walking away.
"What are you doing?" he bellowed after her retreating back.
"I'm dumping you before you dump or cheat on me!" she shrieked through the hallway.
"Well, I'm sorry but I've already dumped you a thousand times in my head!"
"Well, luckily for you I had the balls to actually do it for real, not just imagine it because I'm too scared to actually do it!" She rounded the corner and disappeared out of sight. Was it for real this time? For real in the sense that they had actually broken up and weren't going to get back together within the week. It felt like that.
He told all his friends he'd dumped her, she told all her friends she'd dumped him. Needless to say there was some confusion amongst their mutual friends, not to mention the gossipers.
Confusion was needless though, because, true to their own nature, they couldn't stay away from each other for any longer time. Pathetically enough, they both fell back into their destructive relationship only a couple of weeks after their latest breakup. No one had even been really surprised they broke up in the first place. Just like the birds flew south every winter, they broke up on a monthly basis.
Yes, their relationship was that pathetically destructive. Neither could stay away from the other for too long without going insane. Yet, they couldn't stay together without going insane. What a promising relationship…
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He pushed her up against the stone wall and held her firmly in place with his strong arms. "Let's never break up again," he growled before crashing his lips onto hers.
She felt that thrilling jolt in her stomach that she only ever felt when she was with him and wondered how could she have stayed away from this for three whole weeks?
Their mouths moved against each other familiarly, they'd been doing it so many times it was like second nature by now. They were each experts with the other. She entangled her hand in his hair and pressed her crotch up against his. He responded by grabbing her leg and wrapped it around waist before temptingly drawing a hand up and down said leg. She moaned against his mouth, an act which caused him to grab on more tightly on her leg, and push her closer to the wall.
She loved it when he was rough, the pain was pleasure. He, and only he, knew exactly what turned her on. Sometimes even without asking, like intuition.
Like they were made for one another.
She knew what turned him on as well, all she had to do was press her tiny body against his and moan quietly in his ear, preferably when he was kissing her neck.
Unfortunately, she knew what got him going in other matters as well…
.
He watched, gritting his teeth, as she laughed, put a hand on the boy's shoulder and flipped her hair. She was flirting. Any doubts he'd had about it vanished when she batted her eyelashes and smiled coyly. She was flirting, she, his bloody girlfriend, was flirting with a bloke that most certainly wasn't him.
"Ouch, what the hell?" she cried as he grabbed her arm and practically dragged her away from the other bloke with an insincere apologetic smile.
"What the hell do you think you are doing?" she cried lividly.
"Me?" he cried astonished, "what about what you are doing?"
"What am I doing, exactly. Explain to me!" she demanded in a lethal tone.
"You were flirting with him!"
"Oh honey, don't be ridiculous," she snorted, "we were just talking."
"You bloody hypocrite, I thought we were over this already?" he cried furiously and then spluttered, "but this… this is just to stupid and immature, even for you!"
"It was about time you got a taste of your own medicine," she said spitefully.
"Well, maybe it's time you do too," he was just as resentful as she was spiteful.
He walked away.
"What the hell do you mean?" Penelope asked his back.
"I mean," Sirius turned towards her, "that I'm breaking up with you," he mimicked her voice in a very unflattering, exaggeratedly high-pitched, girly voice, "before you break up with me."
"Fine, if that's how you want it!" she cried vengefully, but his back had already disappeared behind the stone wall's corner.
She hadn't really thought they were breaking up, at least not for real. They'd fight and after learning his lesson he'd come back to her. Or, at least that was what she wanted, but a simultaneous, silent agreement that they were better suited in bed rather than in argument was usually struck between them and they'd get back together, without any real apologies or makeup. But they'd get together again, and that was the important thing. She was sure that this time was no different. Maybe that was why she was so surprised when she found him on the coach with another girl. Just talking, although they looked pretty darn comfortable.
Well, if that was how he wanted to play it, then she would beat him at his own game and right now as well. They say revenge is a dish best served ice cold, and ice cold she could be alright.
She watched as he slung his arm around the shoulder of the other girl and his feet up on the table before them, looking as carelessly graceful only he could. She hadn't been prepared on finding him close to another girl only a day after their perhaps-breakup, but she really should have been. After all, he was Sirius Black.
He laughed at something the girl said, not even noticing Penelope watching him.
It hurt.
That's why she did the only thing that came to mind: she threw her arms around the neck of the boy she'd been flirting with only yesterday, after yelling his name to ensure she got his attention. Then she snogged the one year younger boy senseless in front of his disbelieving eyes.
Sweet revenge.
If someone hurt her, she hurt them back. Twice as badly.
Maybe not the best war strategy at times, especially when it's not a war you're supposed to be fighting. But she did it anyways, it was in her nature. In both their natures. Offensive was fought with offensive, even when the best strategy was truth and surrender.
Offensive was in both their natures, which was why she should have anticipated his next move. She'd had his full attention when she snogged the younger boy, now he had her full attention when he snogged the girl. This was the start of the great snog war, whenever Penelope and Sirius got in the same room someone was bound to get snogged. And hurt, although not necessarily the snogged person. Although they would never admit to it, they did get hurt by the other's antics. Destructive behavior, it was. But as always, it could only go on for too long before someone got seriously hurt, intentional or not.
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"I can't believe you would actually do that to me!" she yelled furiously. What scared him the most was that she wasn't even crying, which any other sane girl would've done. But of course, Penelope had to be so bloody different, and he had to love her so bloody much for it. The tears would come later though, he knew. They always did with Penelope; she just always had to bottle everything up until she exploded like a bloody emotional bomb. If she got hurt, she bottled it up until she couldn't do anything but cry for hours. If she got angry with someone, she'd keep it quiet and act friendly with the person, until someone did something that was the drop to make the beaker overflow and then all hell would break loose.
However, he wanted to be there for her when hell broke loose and the tears came. He was sure both would this time.
But despite what he had done to her, he wanted to be there for her.
Always.
He wanted to be there for her always, through thick and thin. Shame he didn't figure that out before there was no going back.
"Just tell me one thing: why? Why did you do the one thing you knew would deeply hurt me?" she spoke in a normal, conversational tone, no different than how she would have sounded while talking about the weather. It scared him more than the shouting, and more even than the lack of tears.
"I… uh, I…" he didn't know how to defend his actions. There was no defense to his actions. Yet, he had done it because he wanted her back, because he loved her so badly and wanted to make her jealous. Wanted her to feel what it was like for him, living without her. How could he tell her he wanted her back? Simple answer, he couldn't. His pride kept him from uttering those words that might make her forgive him. But despite his intentions what he'd done was unforgivable, and he knew it. Unfortunately.
"Do you really hate me that much? Because after everything we've been through, after everything we've done against each other, all the good and all the bad, even after what you've just done, I could never hate you enough to do what you've done to me. What did I do that would make you hate me enough to do this?"
"I-I don't hate you, I could never hate you!" he reached out for her. He wanted to do nothing but comfort her from the pain he knew she was going through, even though her best efforts at hiding it he could see right through her.
But she recoiled at his touch. It hurt more than he would ever admit.
"I don't want to hear… I can't… I can't do this…" she put her arms around the stomach as if to stop herself from falling apart. He reached out for her again, but this time she'd moved away before he'd barely even moved.
"Don't," she hissed.
"I just want to comfort you. I'm sorry for what I did, more so than you'll ever know. I want to make it up for you, I want to be there for you, please…"
"Don't," she hissed when he reached out for her again, "you lost that right when you slept with my best friend... Everything that was, everything that could have been – lost. And this time it's all your fault."
Of course it wasn't his entire fault. Well, technically, if he hadn't slept with Mary then they could've made up after a while. Now they never could. Of course, if she hadn't flirted with that other boy… but still, he slept with her best friend. If he did it now, who was to say he wouldn't do it again, during another time and another fight?
No, what little chance their relationship had of making it in the long run was forever lost.
She ignored his desperate calls, this time was for real. There was no going back to what used to be, no getting what could have been. No getting the fairytale ending she'd hoped for. Quite logical though, they were too young to be for real, for good. Although, now they would never know if they were than one in a million couple that met during school and stuck together for all eternity...
.
"I can't believe he'd do this to me! I mean, even after all we've been through I thought he still loved me, at least a little, somewhere deep down. But I was wrong. He never did." Penelope complained. "I mean, I always knew Mary was a skanky slut, but how could she do this to me, we were practically best friends! And he… oh, he knew she was my best friend, that was probably why he did it. There's an endless amount of girls in this school that would do anything for a shag with the famous Sirius Black, but he had to go for my best friend, didn't he? He had to strike where he knew it would hurt the deepest. And me! I cannot believe I fell for his stupid charms! Alice, can you remember all the times I have made jokes about all those stupid girls who fell for his lies? I guess the joke's on me, in the end I was fooled more than any of the other girls... But I actually thought I meant something to him, can you believe how gullible I was? I resented the girls whom let themselves get used by a guy, and in the end I got used by the worst man-whore there ever was. If anyone should be resented it's me!"
"Don't… sweetie, shh, don't," Alice patted her Penelope's head soothingly, "don't cry honey. He's not worth it."
"But he is," Penelope wailed, "that's the sad part! He's the only bloody guy I've ever really liked and he was worth it! The most absurd thing is that if I was given the chance to do it all over, I think I'd take it. Not now, of course, I could never do it now no matter how much I wanted to, but if I only could turn back time, even with knowing how it would turn out I would probably do it again!"
Penelope was crying worse than a water hose and Alice was at a complete loss of what to do, she didn't even usually spend time with the living water hose girl.
"Aw, no, give it some time and you'll see he's not really worth it. You will get over him." Alice said confidently. "Maybe you feel like doing it all over right now, but give it a while to calm down and you will see that he wasn't really that great, that he wasn't really worth it."
"When?"
"When what?"
"When will this pain go away? When will I stop feeling sick every waken hour of the day? When will I stop spending every moment asleep dreaming of his touch, his love? When will I stop feeling like my world is crashing down upon me, that I am stumbling around, lost all alone in the darkness? When will I not feel like I have lost my identity, my past, my present and my future? When Alice, when?"
That's Penelope Lynn for you, ever the hopeless drama queen.
"In due time," answered Alice, then added darkly, "I certainly hope."
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There was a solemn look rarely seen on the face of Sirius Black when he climbed the staircase to his bedchamber that evening. He walked with heavy steps and a heavy heart, knowing he'd just thrown away the one and only girl who were worth it all. The most ironic part was that it was his desperate attempts to get her back that had driven their relationship over the edge, to the point of no return, or whatever you would call it.
If he only hadn't broken up with her during that fight, if he only hadn't tried to make her jealous they'd still be together, or on the verge of getting back together, like they always did. Except for this time.
If only he hadn't slept with her best friend.
Really, sometimes he wondered what went on in his mind. It seemed like such a great idea at the time, sleeping with Mary would really make Penelope jealous. Unfortunately he forgot that since she was Penelope's best friend, it would also deeply hurt Penelope. What the bloody hell had he been thinking? He couldn't even imagine how he would feel if Penelope had slept with one of his friends, so why had he slept with her best friend?
Because he hated her. Because he hated her so bloody much. She just drove him fucking insane with her unpredictable ways, and the way they would love each other and everything would be so bloody perfect one day, then the next they were breaking up. A monthly repetitive bad circle. Loving, hating, breaking up, missing, getting back together, loving, hating – and round it goes. And endless circle. A bad habit. They would've been the end of each other, he realized, with their stupid, destructive relationship. And even though he sometimes were with other girls when they 'broke up' and she with other boys, she was the only one he actually wanted to have a relationship with.
So why had he thrown it away again? Right, because he wanted her back so bloody much. Fucking ironic.
Fucking stupid, destructive relationship.
Fucking Penelope.
Fucking Sirius.
Fucking everything.
An: Just a little something that got into my head the other day. Is it worth continuing, or is it a complete faliure? Maybe it's too soon to tell... If I do continue, though, I think it will be an AU, as I'm a sucker for happy endings. However, I don't really know where I want it to go yet, so if you want canon it might be, but leave a review if you think it's worth continuing! Ah, my a/n's always feels so pointless. Have a nice day! /SwedishNerd.