Prompt: Bilbo and Bofur fall in love with each other. Cue 12 Dwarves giving Bilbo the hurt-him-and-we'll-feed-you-to-Smaug talk
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Shovel talk
Bofur wraps his arms around Bilbo and the hobbit flinches, giving the dwarf a horrified look. They are sitting around the fire, thus everybody is watching and their little secret is no longer secret. Immediately the others start to whisper and snicker, watching like hawks as Bofur plants a kiss on Bilbo's cheek. The hobbit sighs.
"Did you have to do that?" he murmurs.
Bofur raises an eyebrow. "You don't want me to hug you?"
"Well- yes, I do want you to hug me, but- … you were the one who warned me that the others might go crazy!"
The dwarf grins mischievously. "I did, but they would've found out anyway. Better show them then have them walk in on us."
Bilbo sighs. He does not answer, only eyes the rest of the company nervously. When they go to sleep Bofur lies down next to him and Bilbo watches warily as Fili and Kili huddle together and soon after dissolve into giggles.
oOo
Nothing happens until Bofur leaves the hobbit's side the next morning for a few minutes in order to relieve himself.
Bombur is the first.
He has already finished packing and comes up to Bilbo, eyes gleaming menacingly. "You hurt him and I'll make sure you'll starve to your death, slowly and painfully!" he threatens and looks the hobbit directly in the eye. When Bilbo nods, intimidated, Bombur leaves and goes his way, seeming to be extremely pleased with himself.
Dori is the second.
They have left the camp and he is suddenly closing up to Bilbo, a stern look on his face. "You hurt him and I'll hit you with a shovel", he warns. Ah, the hobbit thinks, the classic. He nods and sure enough Dori leaves him alone.
Balin is the third.
He waits for Bilbo, his face solemn. "You hurt him and I'll have you incarcerated", he warns, but smiles as soon as the hobbit has nodded.
Gloin is the fourth.
He grabs his arm, makes Bilbo look at him. "You hurt him and I'll tie you up and leave you for the orcs", he growls, a dangerous sparkle in his eyes making the hobbit believe him without doubting for a second that he will act on his threat. He nods quickly.
Ori is the fifth.
He stops Bilbo and tries to stare him down. "You hurt him and I'll make you listen to my poems every day for a year." The hobbit nods, suppressing a smile. Certainly it would not be wise to anger the dwarf, young as he might be. Bofur snorts softly.
Nori is the sixth.
He steps into Bilbo's way. "You hurt him and I'll burn down that hobbit hole of yours", he warns and steps aside as soon as the hobbit has nodded.
Oin is the seventh.
He does not even bother to use his ear trumpet when he approaches Bilbo, not wanting to hear an answer anyway. "You hurt him and I'll cut of your ears." The hobbit nods quickly, relieved when Oin returns to Gloin's side.
Dwalin is the eighth.
Suddenly, without warning, he is standing next to Bilbo, all grim-faced and comparatively tall, arms crossed and fists clenched. "You hurt him and I'll strangle you to death." He does not even wait for the hobbit to nod, simply turns around and leaves. Bilbo gulps heavily, looking daggers at a snickering Bofur.
Bifur is the ninth.
He does not say anything, for Bilbo would not understand his Khuzdul anyway. Instead he only points the tip of his lance at the hobbit's throat and Bilbo nods hurriedly, his eyes wide.
Fili and Kili are the tenth.
They sit down on either side of him during dinner, both grinning viciously.
"You hurt him", Kili begins. "And we'll shave your feet", Fili continues. "And your private parts", Kili finishes the threat and they exchange a malicious glance when he nods, blushed. Somewhere behind him Bofur is laughing hysterically.
Thorin is the last.
He waits until everyone is asleep before he approaches Bilbo, who is already a nervous wreck. "You hurt him and I'll feed you to Smaug", he growls, his voice low and dark, and the hobbit cannot suppress a shiver as he nods hastily.
oOo
Gandalf approaches Bofur the next morning when Bilbo is busy looking for something. He looks scary when he plants himself in front of the dwarf and his voice is loud and threatening. "You hurt him and I'll make sure you spend the rest of your life as a toad!" he warns and then leaves. Bofur is dumbstruck and all he can hear is Bilbo's gleeful chuckle.