The Mall at the end of the universe
A/N: Ok, this is my second attempt at a futurama fan fic, the first I haven't finished coz I am stuck so if anyone has any ideas please read my other fic (this isn't meant to be shameless self promotion) the long lost brannigan and email me if you have any ideas for future instalments of the story, I will credit everyone if I post their story, maybe it will turn into one of those mass effort style things, anyway here is the story, I know its not great but hopefully you will like it, oh and please forgive me if there are a lot of mistakes but I am currently in France and using a French keyboard which is quite different from an English one. So…enjoy!
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Opening Credits
Everyone is sitting around the meeting room table. Amy is painting her toe nails, Bender is reading a playbot magazine and smoking a cigar, Hermes is frantically going through a 3ft pile of documents and stamping them vigorously, Zoidburg is trying to start a conversation but no one wants to talk to him and Fry is talking to a pissed-off looking Leela.
"But Leela, I just asked what you did with him, not what you did with him after he came back to your apartment and had sex with you."
"Forget it Fry, neither you nor anyone else for that matter has any business discussing my personal life."
"I knew it!" Fry says jumping up from the table. "You did sleep with him!" Fry points an accusing finger at Leela.
"You did? But Leela, you guys only went out on one date! You can't sleep with him after just one dinner, one movie and one expensive gift. You have to milk him for all it's worth! Unless…you guys went to a French restaurant, saw Eyes Wide Shut 2 and he gave you lingerie," Amy looks up from her red toe nails.
"Yeah Leela, no use trying to deny it, we all know what happens after people see movies like Eyes Wide Shut 2," Bender says matter-of-factly not looking up from his magazine.
"Deny what! You guys are the ones putting the words right in my mouth!" Leela says angrily.
"At least it's us putting words in your mouth not that guy putting something else in your mouth, like Bender said, people who don't have sex after seeing Eyes Wide Shut 2 have to be really unlucky," Fry says and Zoidburg begins to cry.
"Fry that's disgusting and plus for your information the movie was Eyes Wide Shut 3," Leela says huffily crossing her arms across her chest.
But before Fry can open his mouth to retort the professor walks into the room.
"Bad news and good news everyone."
"Oooo! Oooo! The bad news first, that way when we hear the good news it seems even gooder!" Fry says
"There's no such word as "gooder" Fry you idiot," Leela says. But Fry ignores her and keeps talking.
"…or is it the good news first so that you know the good news already in case something bad happens just then, like space aliens coming and invading and if you heard the good news first it means that you'd die thinking about good things coz if you heard the bad news first you'd might die thinking bad things…" Fry trails off confused. Leela rolls her eyes.
"The bad news is that I can't find my glasses," the professor scratches his chin.
"Try your head dumbass!" Bender calls from the other end of the table. The professor goes to feel his forehead.
"Why what an astronomical coincidence that that's the last place I remember having them!"
"So what's the good news professor?" Fry asks eagerly.
"The good news is now that I have my glasses back I can read this piece of paper that says what your next delivery will be," the professor beams.
Everyone groans except Zoidburg who jumps up making one of those funny noises he makes and knocks over Amy's bottle of nail polish all over the table as well as Amy.
"Zoidburg you idiot! Those were my favourite pants! They came all the way from Consumerwhore 6!" Amy yells then curses in Chinese.
"But Amy, you have 12 pairs of pants like those," Leela says.
"Yeah but these were my favourite ones, plus now I only have 11 pairs."
"Well lucky for you Amy that your next delivery is to the planet Consumerwhore 6," the professor says clapping his hands together.
"Really! Great! I've been meaning to do some shopping, I still have $2000 left on this month's credit card limit!" Amy exclaims happily.
"You mean you spend more than $2000 a month shopping? Leela asks raising her eyebrows.
"Well duh! Looking this cute doesn't come cheap you know. Some of us are willing to spend money in order to look good, you should really do some more shopping Leela, then maybe you'll look as cute as me!" Proclaims Amy.
Leela scolds at her then looks down at her feet, "well I suppose I could use some new boots, these ones are getting kinda old."
"You stupid humans and your consumer goods! When will you realise that money and possessions aren't everything, look at Zoidburg, he's got nothing, ugly, dirt poor, no chance of finding love but is he crying?" Bender says.
"Yes," says Fry.
"Good point, no one wants to be a loser like Zoidburg. So when are we leaving? I hear Consumerwhore 6 has everything a classic kleptomaniac could want and more!"
"I need to buy some more ink for my stamps, so I'll come too," Hermes says whilst trying to use the last of the ink by forcefully stamping the stamp causing the table to shake.
"And Zoidburg can come too, apparently all doctors for humans now need a stethoscope, I don't know what it's for but hey! Maybe I can buy one of those alien brides too, they're on sale this week, only $19.95 for a bride from Neptune," Zoidburg says.
"Excuse me, but could some one actually tell me what this planet is?" Fry asks.
"It's the mall planet, duh!" Amy says
"The planet used to be a national park until they deforested it, concreted it over and made it the universe's biggest mall," says Leela. "It opened in the year 2675 after they kicked all the hippies off the planet, though apparently there are still some living in the carpark."
"Stupid hippies! They thought that they could relive the craziness of the flower power revival number #14, well I'll tell you something for nothing, nothing beats those years, oh yeah baby…" Bender reminisces.
"So what are we delivering professor?" Leela asks.
"A crate a 25 000 coat hangers."
"Why don't they just make them there rather than importing them from Earth?" Fry asks.
"Because on Earth they can employ Hispanic robots to do it for 10 cents a day."
"Hey Bender aren't you Mexican?"
"Damn straight and proud of it too! Those dirty bastards barely pay my mother and sisters enough money to keep the men drunk! That's why I came to New New York, to make a life for myself," Bender looks away emotionally. "Some day I'll steal you an immigration visa mamma," Bender turns back to the group. "Well what are you jerk wads staring at, get your lazy asses on the ship!"
"Hey, I'm the captain and I'm the one who'll say when we're leaving," Leela gets up from the table. "Ok you lazy bums I wanna see that crate on the ship in no less than 10 seconds, got it?"
Later on board the ship:
"So Fry, have you decided what you want to buy yet?" Leela turns around on her chair to look at Fry.
"I dunno, I wouldn't mind some new cds."
Everyone on the ship turns to look at Fry curiously.
"C-what?" Bender asks.
"Fry, they stopped manufacturing cd's in the year 2107 when everyone had a computer and downloaded music instead. CD prices had gone really high so no one was buying them anymore, the last one ever made was by Pelvis Presley," Leela says in her usual explanatory way.
"Pelvis…Presley?" Fry looks at her curiously.
"Don't you know anything Fry? Pelvis Presley was the king," Amy says matter of factly.
"You mean Elvis Presley, right?"
"Who?"
"Never mind."
"Pelvis Presley is the king of robot rock and roll. He had so many great songs, blue iron shoes, viva Obersei Chromei 9…oh man is he great," Bender says.
"But, but, those were all songs of my time just with different words!"
"Get real Fry! No one could be as good as Pelvis Presley. Everyone knows that he was the king, pretty unfortunate death though…" Bender's voice drifts off.
"Let me guess, he committed suicide…in his bathroom," Fry says.
Bender wipes a tear away, then does a pelvic thrust in honour of the musician, "we salute you oh great and mighty Pelvis!"
"Ok, we're here," Leela says.
We see a futuristic looking planet with masses of intertwining escalators and buildings marked with the items of which they specialise in. There's a big 5 story building made out of children's building blocks and we can hear masses of crying children, this being the toy department. We then cross over to the other side of the planet where we can see a giant pink building with a large purplish cloud hanging over it, there is a big sign saying it is the cosmetics department.
Fry gets up from his chair and looks out the ship's window.
"Woah, there must be at least 2 million other ships looking for a car park here," he exclaims.
"Quit exaggerating Fry the place only has enough space for 500 000 ships," Leela says.
Fry is about to say something in return to Leela's comment but something catches his eye.
"Yo, Leela, isn't that the guy you slept with?"
"For the last time Fry, I didn't sleep with my date last night, so would you just leave it!" Leela retorts angrily.
"I'm not talking about your date last night, I mean that other guy, you know, the dude, who did the stuff, then he said this and you guys had sex," Fry says.
"Fry, what the hell are you talking about?" she asks.
Bender walks over to where Fry is standing, and Fry points at something out the window.
"Hey yeah Leela it is that guy you slept with," Bender says.
"Who! I haven't slept with anyone!"
"Yeah you did, you know, that guy who put is in prison, the one that nearly got us killed by those Amazon women, you know the one that blew up DOOP head quarters?" Bender says.
"Zapp…Brannigan?" Leela asks with a tinge of disrespect in her voice.
"Yeah that's the one, looks like he's going to be here today promoting his new line of clothing," Fry says to Leela.
"Zapp Brannigan…clothing line? What the hell is making?" Leela asks.
"Well the billboard says "Come and meet the man behind the new range of seductive lingerie, Zapp Brannigan will make an in store appearance this weekend to promote his new line of intimates," Bender reads out.
"Oh good lord!" Leela claps her hand to her head.
"OK everyone remember where we parked, burgundy, row Y32, space 7162," says Leela locking the ship.
The group make there way over to and entrance on there way passing an alien family.
"…how much did you spend! What the hell? Where the fuck did I put my keys?" yells an angry looking alien with 7 eyes and purple skin.
"Honey I'm sorry I didn't lock the keys in the car on purpose, it was an accident. Algzorha! Get back here right now young lady! Where is your brother? You what! You lost your brother! How? Where did you last see him? He what! Get here right now!" yells a female version of the angry male alien.
"But mum, I didn't mean to, he slithered away, I was looking at make-up and…"
"Since when has she been wearing make up? Get in the car right now! WHAT THE HELL IS THIS? WHO DINTED MY SHIP! That's it we're leaving!"
"But remember dad, mum locked the keys in the ship and we have to find Blorg first," the young alien girl added innocently. Suddenly the male alien collapses and starts shaking and crying calling out "I never want to come shopping again!"
"Wow, I never realised how stressful going shopping can be," exclaims Fry.
"Yeah, they even have a shrink that wanders around the car parks here for people find it all too much to handle," Leela says.
The group walk through the entrance way and take an escalator about 3 miles long, looking around on either side of them are masses of shops selling everything and anything, we cross over to a knife shop where that robot that always stabs people is searching for a new stabbing knife.
"This one is good, easy on the hand with the gel grip, but I prefer a sharper blade," he says carefully examining the knife.
"Well we have this one just in, from slash&dash, it's still got the same gel grip but with a sharper blade plus promises not to get stuck in the body so you can quickly get away after the crime is done," says a store clerk presenting the robot with another knife.
We cross back to the group where they are listening to a voice over welcoming them to the planet.
Voice over: Welcome to Consumerwhore 6, the planet with all your consumer and compulsive needs. Today Zapp Brannigan will be making a special guest appearance in our lingerie department to promote his new range of intimates "love Zap" today at 2pm" And remember, we like our shoppers to stay happy so for those who just love to shop Consumerwhore 6 has a special service desk where you can mortgage your house in order to keep shopping happily, located in department B27 floor 39, have a nice day, and remember, here at Consumerwhore 6, we're all materialistic and shallow!
A/N So how did you like that? I know it wasn't really good and it's a bit long but I'm bored and I have the time, please review me, give me tips, tell me what you think. The next instalment we'll get to see some Zapp Brannigan (he's my favourite character), also how will Zoidburg go finding his sale bride? What will happen when Fry discovers the universes biggest food court? Will Leela run into Zapp? Will Amy succeed in trying to make Leela look cute (well not quite as cute as herself but…) and how much can Bender steal? Next chapter should be up in a few days hopefully, providing I get some feedback. Also, any suggestions for a better title would be appreciated!
Nat Muffinz nn