The Replacement Hero
"Hey, look, listen! Wake the fuck up!"
As usual, Navi's annoying voice earned her the electric fly swatter treatment.
"Come on Link! It's Friday! Which means you have to save, oh, I don't know, THE ENTIRE FUCKING WORLD! So get yo lazy ass up, son, or imma gonna have to fuck you up MAJOR LEGUE!
Navi wouldn't have gone all ghetto on Link if she didn't know the truth. Or the two major truths that will push this plot along.
A: Link still had the electric fly swatter.
B: Link had… are you ready for this? Wanker's cramp. (Cue dramatic music, along with laughs for people who get the reference, and looks of confusion from those who don't)
Readers: But they might not be confused because they don't get the reference, they could be drunk?
Me: …Honestly, when are all of you going to get a life?
Readers: You write fanfics.
Me: …I think I just got owned.
"Great Fairy! Great Fairy!" Navi cried out!
"What?" Said the Great Fairy irritably, for she was doing her hair in a way that it would cover up her boobs. To disappoint all the porn fans in the gaming community.
"Link hit me with a fly swatter TWICE and it hurtsssssss!" wailed Navi."
"This is NEWS!" gasped the Great Fairy, dropping her hair straightener. "He didn't smack you with the electric one! That's progress!"
Navi attempted to use her only attack against such injustices: Ramming pointlessly against the offender. This usually doesn't work well.
With Link, she would get electric fly swatted.
With the Great Fairy, she ended up lodged between her cleavage.
That image was for the porn obsessed gaming fans. You know, the ones that danced when they saw Samus in a bikini at the end of Metroid. You know who you are.
After the Great Fairy extricated Navi from her ample bosom, she asked "So, why isn't Link ready for his latest 'Save the world' mission yet? It's Friday! So I want you to go ask him why."
Navi went. But she had a plan.
This isn't going to turn out well.
Link was busy in his bed, moaning in pain because he had Wanker's cramp.
Navi decided to use her #1 plan for getting Link out of bed.
"Hey, look, listen!" Cried Navi. "Don't make me go gansta on yo ass!"
Navi forgot Link also had a slingshot. Ouch.
"Link! Imma fuck you up hardcore! This is some serious shit, homeslice!" cried Navi! Then she noticed the note attached to the pellet.
"What da fuck iz dis shit, boy? You write so baad, it's like you have Wanker's Cramp…
And the crushing sense of realization kicked in.
Ordon Springs
A.K.A Fairy HQ
"So what are we going to dooooo?" moaned Tael, who needed a cheese danish very much, and couldn't when THE WORLD NEEDED TO BE SAVED.
Such a minor inconvenience could shut down an entire cheese danish shop. Who would have thought?
"Well, Link has somehow caught the most deadly of all British diseases, when for some reason he isn't British. So what are we supposed to do?"
"But is he British? I man, none of us have heard him speak before."
All the fairies pondered this implication, until their gangsta boss, Navi, broke the silence.
"Hey! Look! Listen all you mothafuckers! We need a hero! Ganondorf in due to capture Zelda in…
Navi attempted to look at the time, until she realized that as part of her gangsta act, she had to be illiterate. Or something.
"In 6 hours?" Suggested Leaf.
"Quiet boy! I'm da boss around here!" barked Navi.
"Well, what makes you 'da boss,' Navi? Grumbled Tatl.
"NOOOOOOOOO!" cried the other fairies, but it was too late.
"Well, said Navi, first I…
Talk to corporate (like a boss)
Approve memos (like a boss)
Lead a workshop (like a boss)
Remember birthdays (like a boss)
Direct workflow (like a boss)
My own bathroom (like a boss)
Micromanage (like a boss)
Promote Synergy (like a boss)
Hit on Debra (like a boss)
Get rejected (like a boss)
Swallow sadness (like a boss)
Send some faxes (like a boss)
Call a sex line (like a boss)
Cry deeply (like a boss)
Demand a refund (like a boss)
Eat a bagel (like a boss)
Harassment lawsuit (like a boss)
No promotion (like a boss)
Fifth of vodka (like a boss)
Shit on Debra's desk (like a boss)
Buy a gun (like a boss)
In my mouth (like a boss)
Oh fuck man I can't fucking do it... shit!
Pussy out (like a boss)
Puke on Debra's desk (like a boss)
Jump out the window (like a boss)
Suck a dude's dick (like a boss)
Score some coke (like a boss)
Crash my car (like a boss)
Suck my own dick (like a boss)
Eat some chicken strips (like a boss)
Chop my balls off (like a boss)
Black out in the sewer (like a boss)
Meet a giant fish (like a boss)
Fuck its brains out (like a boss)
Turn into a jet (like a boss)
Bomb the Russians (like a boss)
Crash into the sun (like a boss)
Now I'm dead (like a boss)
Tael broke the silence.
"Ummmm… fairies can't do some of that crazy ass shit.
And so it was settled.
The fairies agreed that they would have to find a replacement hero.
Like a boss.