A/N: Hello…

This story is set somewhere in the beginning on season 8. I don't like what they did with Sam's flashbacks. I think there are explanations why Sam did not look for Dean, which would make sense, but the authors just tell a story which doesn't fit to the boys…

I apologize for all grammatical, syntax and spelling errors in this text. I hadn't much time to correct them and I am not a native speaker! I hope you understand anything nonetheless and you don't have problems while reading..

Disclaimer: I don't own then, never did and probably never will.

Enjoy!

Maybe some of the things Dean said in their fight were low shots, especially when he talked about Benny. It had been a typical fight about the same old topics since Dean returned from Purgatory and found out that Sam did not only not look for him, but found himself a whole new life. Dean was pissed. Sam should have looked for him, while he was fighting for his life. Sam was supposed to look for him. He had fought for a year and Sam was having fun with a fucking girl! That didn't sit right with Dean.

Still, Dean should have been able to keep his big mouth shut. Some things he said to Sam were low blows and he did not want Sam to run away from him and move on. He wanted Sam to know that he was pissed, he wanted an apology, he wanted to be angry, but he never wanted his brother to leave.

But Sam was gone for hours now. Logically Dean knew that Sam was just in a bar and cooling off and would return some time more or less drunk, but deep down Dean felt like he drove Sam away.

Dean's cell phone was ringing. The Song "Sunshine of Your Love" by Cream was carried through the loud speaker. Dean looked at his display and saw the caller ID "Sam". Should he pick up? After their fight he had no desire to talk to Sam this soon, but he also knew that you never ignore calls – hunter's rule. Other than Sam Dean lived by the rules.

"Dean?" a voice was asking him through the telephone, but it was not Sam's voice.

"Who are you? Why do you have my brother's cell?" Dean asked agitated.

"I'm Josh the barman from the founding fathers bar. Your Sam's brother? He is really wasted and needs someone to pick him up…"

Dean agreed to pick Sam up, but was kind of annoyed and still angry. Now he had to pick a drunken Sam up and deal with the little brat. Other than Sam Dean came always for his brother.

Sam sat on the bar stool trying to stay upright and sitting when he noticed his brother entering the bar and coming towards him. Sam opened his arms wide and screamed happily: "Deeeeeeeeeeeeeean! You're here" Dean rolled his eyes. Sam was really drunk. "Yep, Princess. And you are wasted." Dean replied. Sam looked his brother in the eyes and babbled some unintelligible words and gave Dean a girly hug. Dean was annoyed and amused at Sam. On the one hand he did not want to babysit Sam's drunken ass, on the other hand Sam behaved fucking funny while drunk and he would make good material for YouTube videos.

And Dean was still angry at Sam, but behaved more brotherly now, too.

Sam was vulnerable while drunk and easy to pick on and it was set in stone for Dean that Sam must be protected no matter what stands between them and no matter what else is going on.

"Come on, Sasquatch. We get your drunken ass home, now!" said Dean while trying to get to leave his bar stool.

"Noooooooo!" Sam whined. "One last drink?" Sam showed his performance of the puppy-eyes. Dean laughed at his brother. "Dude, no. You are so shot up to your eyeballs. Even if I said yes, the barman wouldn't give you another shot."

"Why not?" Sam whined. "Alcohol makes me happy and we don't fight."

Dean was growing more annoyed with every passing minute. His madness about their fight was lingering under his skin and if Sam pushed his buttons, Dean would go off like a speed racket.

"We are going home, Sam! Got it?" Dean growled.

"No. You are still mad and we fight all the time. I wanna stay here and hug my tequila and see a world full of rainy rainbows and unicorns. Palaffel.." Sam babbled and was not making complete sense.

"We talk about this when you are sober again." Dean said.

Dean was still feeling a mixture of annoyance, madness and amusement, but realized that a conversation with Sam in this state was senseless. Dean picked up Sam's tab and hauled Sam against his will out of the bar and drove him home.

Getting home was taxing for Dean. Sam singed (tried to sing) a song. If Dean could understand the lyrics and the melody, it would probably be a hilarious girly song that Sam was singing.

At home Sam lied down directly (staying upright was hard with such a high blood alcohol). The second he hit his pillow he fell asleep. It was amazing how fast he could go from hyperactive to asleep. One second he was babbling and singing and the next second he was sleeping.

Dean was happy that Sam was out of commission, because he was getting annoying. At least Sam had not started the angst talk. Sometimes when Sam was drunk he did. He could remember the "Promise you kill me if I go bad side talk" still too well.

Sam was sleeping in his clothes and the big brother in Dean screamed that it must be uncomfortable sleeping in his shoes and his jacket and having all weapons still on him, so Dean decided to undress Sam a little. Even angry at Sam, Dean was still himself and still loved Sam.

Carefully Dean took Sam shoes and his jacked off and then he saw it: On Sam's forearms were scars. Scars, which hadn't have been there a year ago. There were many straight and deep scars, which were sliced with precision. They seemed to be self-inflicted, but Sam would never do that, right? Sam was not this messed up! There were scars and Dean hadn't the slightest idea where they came from. A bad feeling was settling inside of Dean's stomach. He nudged Sam and Sam opened his eyes a little bit.

"Sam, where did you get those scars?" he asked and Sam turned his face away and pretended to sleep. He did not want his new scars to be discovered. He was wasted and drunk and he did not want to talk about it now or ever. "Sam?" Dean asked again: "I don't want to talk about it, okay?" Sam explained and closed his eyes again. "Sam, tell me!" Dean said exhorting. Dean was pushing Sam's buttons and was using his brother's drunken state, because he knew that Sam just talked without thinking when drunk. "I would have looked for you, okay? I just literally could not. Fuck off and let me sleep." Sam huffed.

"Fine" Dean scoffed. "But when you wake up tomorrow you will tell me"

The next morning started unpleasant for Sam. Never would he drink so much tequila ever again. He was so hangover and was really glad that he made it to the toilette before he puked. Dean made his usual comments about a drunken girly Sam and greasy ass sandwiches, but switched the topic. Dean had cooled off since yesterday evening and wasn't this mad anymore, he wanted to know about the scars.

"Explanation-time!" Dean exclaimed, while Sam was shuffling out of the bathroom and sitting down on his bed.

Sam had a questioning look on his face. What should he explain, exactly?

"Memory loss? I know you have many brain cells but you shouldn't kill them off… Remember you should explain the scars on your forearms!"

Sam looked shocked. Dean had seen his scars? He knew? Damn! Dean was not supposed to find out and Sam did not want to talk about it. Why had he been so drunk that he let his guard down and let Dean see?

"Talk to me" Dean demanded and Sam sighed. "You don't know the truth about last year…I might have withheld some details from you about my last year."

"You are well and truly on your own Sam." The words hit Sam like a sledgehammer. Dean and Cas vanished into thin air and there was nobody on this world anymore that Sam had a connection to. The truth hit him and dragged him down. There was no Bobby, no Ellen, no Jo, no Dad, no Mom, no Jess, no Ash, no Cas and most importantly there was no Dean. He was completely alone without any idea how to go on. There was nobody and he felt lost and empty. The truth was hurtful. He did not know where to go next and what to do. There was no roadmap, no book explaining how to get somebody back from wherever they vanished to. There was just Sam and the demon Crowley and Sam's experience. He could not make any deals, because they always ended bad and who would bargain with him anyway? When Dean went to hell he wasn't able to sell his soul either. He could not turn to Crowley because he was a demon and the last time Sam turned to a demon led by the need for revenge he had ended the world and nearly lost his brotherhood over it and went to hell in the aftermath of it. It had never worked for one Winchester to get the other back and the last times one of them was gone, they had had leads, they had known where the other was and still they did not make it to bring the other back, they needed angelic support. He had no idea how to get Dean back from wherever he was, no idea who he could ask and where he should search. It was possible that Dean was dead already. They had promised each other to not try to bring the other back, because it always ended badly. Still, he wanted Dean. Without Dean his life was senseless and he wanted to find him, he just hadn't any idea where to go. Sam decided to fix the Impala and drove off without any aim hopeful to find something, a lead, anything.

"And then you hit the dog and decided that I am dead and not important anymore… Yada Yada Yada… I already heard this story Sam. You just listed reasons why you did not search for me" Dean growled annoyed and was suddenly mad again. Okay, he and Sam had their promise (but they both knew they wouldn't keep it) and maybe Sam was lost and empty, but that did not mean that Sam just could go off to a girl and forget about him, while Dean was fighting to live.

"Shut up. If you want to hear my story then let me talk, okay." Sam was annoyed. Dean was mad at him, fair enough. But when Dean wanted to hear the truth he should let him talk.

"Do you remember your whole 'stone number one speech' and Castiel taking my hallucinations?" Sam asked. Dean gave Sam a look. How could he forget? "Yeah. What has that to do with anything?" Dean did not like where the conversation was going.

"Apparently, the stone number on and the taking away of hallucinations does not work long distance from earth to purgatory..."

Sam was driving the Impala, the only thing he still had from Dean. He was lost and empty and tired and wanted to drive himself of a cliff. There was nobody there who could help him keep fighting and he did not know how to find Dean. He needed Dean back and he wanted to get him or wanted him to return, because without him Sam was nothing, but Sam had to go on and maybe it would be without Dean. Suddenly Sam heard a voice singing: "Yeah I think you're cute but really you should know I just came to say hello
Hello" Sam was startled and had a hard time to keep the Impala on the road. He looked at the co-driver's seat and there he was: Lucifer smiling shiny, bright and devious. "Hello sweetheart, I am back. Just you and me now…" Sam was panicking. "No, no, no, no, no, no, you are not real! No." He could not hallucinate the devil again; he could not stand that and suffer through that again. "Doesn't matter, babe. I am here now and I don't intend to go anywhere." Sam tried to get him away tried to get rid of him. "Sorry bunk buddy, I will stay. Be happy about it. Without me you would have nobody…" Lucifer laughed and started to tell him the nice stories of the past in the cage "Remember when I replaced your bones with spiders…" And Sam felt them as real as they were in the cage.

"It got really bad, Dean, the hallucinations. I couldn't tell reality from illusion and I couldn't eat and I couldn't sleep and there was nobody there for me… this is the real reason why I didn't look for you. I was a hallucinating lunatic mess" Sam explained.

"God, Sammy!" Dean was shocked and had tears in his eyes he was trying to suppress. He had been in Purgatory, had gotten some PTSD and a hard last year, but he had Benny and Castiel in the last year. Sam had relived his hell-time and hallucinations and was completely lost and alone and had nobody. Sam wasn't the bad brother after all, maybe it was Dean. Why didn't he notice that something bad had been going on in Sam's life?

Sam seemed to be able to read Dean's thoughts. "Don't feel guilty, Dean. You had your own package to carry and I did not want you to know. Besides, it is over now, okay? Back to my story… Remember how you told me that pain in hell is different from pain on earth?"

Yes, Dean remembered. He never would forget the conversation he had with his brother; how he needed to convince his brother he was real. Dean couldn't believe that Sam had gone alone through his psychotic break and that he survived it, but he was happy about it.

Dean could count one and one together. He knew what Sam wanted to say with his question and he had seen the scars.

.
"So you decided to slice yourself open to get Lucifer out of your head?" Dean neither sounded angry, nor mad he was just shocked and compassionate for his brother. "The first time it was by accident, but it helped to keep Lucifer at bay. He was still there but not as penetrate…" Dean was shocked that his brother had self-inflicted injuries, but could understand his reasoning. "But your not doing it anymore and you are not seeing Lucifer, are you?" Dean asked cautious. He understood why Sam had hurt himself while he was gone, but it was not the right method to keep Lucifer away as long as Dean was around.

"No and No. The cutting helped, I just carried it to far sometimes. I cut once way to deep, nearly slit my wrist. Some woman found me and took me to the hospital and I had to break out of suicide watch. I never meant to kill myself – although it was tempting – I just wanted to get rid of Lucifer and get you back, so I am not alone anymore…"

Dean knew that Sam was probably still sugar-coating the whole situation, but he let it slide. The new revelations broke his heart. His poor Sam had been all alone with Lucifer and in a hospital probably reminded of the last time in the psych-ward.

"Well. After that I drove off again and Lucifer returned…. He startled me so much that I hit this dog. I took care of the dog, because I was crazy at the time and had something new to focus on, okay? I was a complete and total mess, I was tired, thin and lifeless and was hallucinating Lucifer. But then I met Amy. She took care of me, really good care. She helped me. I started eating and sleeping again. And truth is, away from all the supernatural and with something to ground me I stopped hallucination so bad and so much. I had to let you go and I had to move on, because I was slowly killing myself otherwise. Your time away brought you to a new brother and the desire to hunt, my time away brought me to a woman and the knowledge that hunting and the supernatural destroys me and ever has and took everything I loved away from me, okay?"

Sam was breaking apart. He needed his brother to understand. He needed Dean to understand that he did not forget about Dean or searched for a better life, but that every second without him was painful. Sam couldn't life without Dean, but he had to.

"I get it, okay. I get it, Sam!" Dean was getting really compassionate. He really did get it and he felt for Sam. And he was starting to love the fucking dog and Amy because without them Sam would probably be dead by now. "If you told me the truth from the beginning, I would have never been such an ass. I thought you just went of in the sunset with your girl" Dean exclaimed. Yep, he had forgotten that Winchesters and happy ends don't belong together. Behind every Winchesters happy story is a dark secret. "Why didn't you tell me the truth?"

"You had enough on your plate. I didn't want you to worry and it is over now and I didn't want to talk about it, okay? I just want to shut the memories of the hallucinations away and never remember anything about it ever again… I wanted us just to start together again…"

"Sammy. Something like this happens to you und you tell me, even if it is over and I am just back from Purgatory, got it? We will talk more about your last year later, too..." Sam was not allowed to keep such secrets from him. Dean needed to know when his baby brother had gone through hell. "And I owe you an apology... I said some unfair stuff, because I didn't know the whole truth and I might be a little bit over the edge since returning from Purgatory. You're my brother and I love you, okay? That doesn't change. Benny is really important for me like Amy is for you, okay? He helped me survive. Please accept that and don't go against him. In the end it will always be you and me for me no matter who else is involved. You are still coming first…"

Sam smiled at Dean. Maybe he should have been honest from the beginning and they wouldn't have had all this misunderstandings. Then again, they were Winchesters. Misunderstandings were normal for them.

"You are a real chick, you know Dean?" Sam laughed, lighting up the mood. "We are so messed up"

"Shut up, Sam. I pure my heart out to you and you are joking?" Dean answered raising an eyebrow.

"Honestly, we are messed up… But you do realize that I really want to stop hunting, Dean? After all this years and hell and everything I am tired of it, you used to be too. I know that Purgatory let you see that you want to hunt and I saw that I want to get away from it if I can This doesn't mean that I want to go away from you.."

Dean remembered all the times he was tired of hunting and that he wanted to get away and start a family. He was not tired of hunting anymore, he was enjoying it again. He remembered giving advices to hunters to get out of the business as long as they still could. He and Sam were so far into hunting, that there probably wasn't a way out, but if Sam still wanted to get out and there was a chance, maybe Dean had to let Sam go and hunt alone or join Sam.

"We cross the bridge when we come to it… We have a job do to first…" Dean explained. He didn't want to talk about it, because he had no idea what will happen. He knew he wouldn't be able to force Sam to stay and he wouldn't be able to change his own mind about hunting just like turning off a switch. Maybe they would end up separated. On the one hand there were phones and internet for contact; on the other hand it just was not the same. Maybe, they both would already have a different perspective in some months. They had some time to think about this problem and the most important problems were already talked about.

"Okay. Dean, are we okay?" Sam asked.

"Yes, we are solving our problems. Cool, right?" Dean told him.

"A miracle for a Winchester…" Sam explained.

They had problems (they were Winchesters after all, problems are in their job descriptions) but they were on the same page again, talking and solving problems. They weren't this far away from each other anymore.

"Enough with the angst talk. Time for a break… Do you think this motel has the pay-per-view channel casa erotica?" Dean asked while sitting down next to Sam on Sam's bed. Sam smiled and turned the TV on. "No… but here is Dr. Sexy MD… you are such a big fan of them!"

Dean huffed offended. "I am not a fan."

"Who are you trying to fool?"

Sam and Dean spent the next hours watching TV again and eating and joking and laughing. They were reconnected.

"Dean?"

"Mh?"

"I really missed you"

"I missed you, too"

Family means no one gets left behind or forgotten.

-David Ogden Stiers

I found that the more truthful and vulnerable I was,

the more empowering it was for me.

-Alanis Morisette

The End

I hope you liked it!

Thanks for reading!