Ok, I feel better now
A/N: And here we go: While I write the story comes to life at its own terms. So I don't have any outline set yet. Hope you enjoy it =).
Everything was dark, so dark.
My mind and the outside. I should fight but what for?
For the emptiness of my life? For me?
Why should I take action when there was no sense in it?
I huffed and looked at my reflection in the mirror. My eyes were red and puffy and I felt so drained, so fucking drained.
Outside the night and rain had settled in and I was surrounded by an uncomfortable silence.
My dad Charlie was at work like most nights. So I was all by myself and this didn't mean something good.
Black thoughts overtook my mind and all I could see and feel was misery. I felt so alone.
Almost every day I wished I was somewhere else; somewhere I could feel the sun again and actually be alive.
I listened to the music in the background and it just reflected my mood perfectly. Deep and soothing voices, tears spilled and a deep sense of desperation. Should I change to lighter music? No, it would feel wrong. Music was always an expression of my soul.
Most of the day I listened to my IPod and all kinds of songs. Also it was a coping mechanism for me. I could hide from the world and mean words. They couldn't mean anything to me when I couldn't hear them, right?
My whole life I had been living in this little fuckhole that was Forks. Some days I loved it, some days I just imagined to escape to a much brighter and happier place. To somewhere people where actually enjoying themselves and you could spend your time usefully.
But what I loved the most was the beach at LaPush, a few miles down the road. Just there I felt I could be truly me and let go. I watched the waves and listened to the sound of the ocean filled with the cold wind, whistling in my ear. My eyes found their way to the big cliff very often. I couldn't say how often I imagined jumping off there. Actually not to kill myself but just to be weightless and be one with the elements.
I loved the cliffs in Ireland, though I never had been there but they magically drew me in. But the funny thing was that I was scared of heights. So I went there quite often but never made it to the final edge, feeling too scared.
After a few minutes I went to my desk and took a glass filled with the sand of my beloved beach. Slowly I let it rinse between my fingers and tried to smell some of the salty sea air.
Sometimes I would find a pretty shell and take it with me; letting it drown within the sand never to be seen again.
Just after that, this special song came on and I decided to lie down on my bed. My lips mouthed the lyrics perfectly and I sang along to Nicole Kidman's One Day I Will Fly Away from the movie
Moulin Rouge. I loved it. Maybe because it was such a beautiful tragedy and filled me with sorrow and love all the same.
One day I fly away
Leave all this to yesterday
Why live life from dream to dream
And dread the day when dreaming ends
I even didn't recognize how a tear found its way from my eye but I tasted its saltiness and I couldn't stop. It started again.
Everything came crushing down on me. I would look fucked up by tomorrow. But who was there to care anyways? And so I tried to make myself tired so I could sleep.
Almost every night I had a very hard time to find sleep. I moved from one side to the other and so many thoughts where racing through my mind. Also I got myself some sleeping pills. But there were herbal because I had this fear to become addicted to "real" sleeping pills and then one day, maybe I wouldn't stop to take them all.
Just after a few more songs I felt my eye lids getting heavier and I felt into a restless sleep.
The next morning I was shaken awake by my dad.
"Bells. Bells wake up. I also made breakfast, if cereal counts?"
Sleepily I opened my eyes and found myself in his dark brown ones.
"Thank you dad. I totally forgot to set my alarm. And yes, cereal counts." I gave him a small smile.
He returned my smile and ruffled through my hair. "The best for my little princess."
I had to chuckle, he still called me that after all these years and I loved him for doing that. He might be not home very often but when, he was a good dad, who tried to take care of me the best he could.
A few seconds later I stretched and hazily made my way to the bathroom. I still had enough time to be at school punctually and my body was tired from yesterday's crying session.
My brown hair felt lifeless while I combed it and my face really looked fucked up. Just as I thought.
But I was used to it by now and so I didn't waste any time with covering it. Today I didn't shower because I actually couldn't stand the spray of cold water in the morning and being hit by cold air when stepping out. Forks would wake me up anyways.
After ten minutes I grabbed my bag, walked downstairs and found myself at the table with Charlie reading the latest newspaper. It was our morning routine and neither of us talked very much. We just enjoyed each other's company.
I was not really hungry and just ate a little bit of the froot loops dad had prepared for me. After I finished I got up to go to my old, rusty truck.
"Bye dad, I'm leaving," I said to him while he eyed my half eaten bowl.
He shrugged his shoulders and would probably eat it when I was gone.
"Have a nice day Bells. And remember, no IPod listening while you're driving," he said lifting his right brow and being in cop mode.
I rolled my eyes and nodded. Then I turned around and walked the short way to my beloved car.
The first thing I turned on was my radio. There was a radio station in Port Angeles which actually played pretty cool songs and they didn't talk too much. I really preferred it this way and it took away the heaviness in my heart a little bit.
Soon I started the ignition and my car rumbled to life and I made it to school in no time.
Actually I dreaded school. It was nothing but pain for me. My grades were average just like me and the students were fucked up. The cloudy sky was much lighter than my mood I was in as soon as I saw his car.
He was the main reason I was also afraid to step into this halls of hell. He was the fucking king asshole of this school by being a rebel and making my life miserable.
I parked my car as far away as possible and before my feet could even touch the ground I had my IPod on and listened to it intently.
Why even bother? But I should because it was for dad. He was saving money since my birth for my college education and so I couldn't let him down. I was pretty sure I could do better in school but I had such a lack of motivation, just like every day. Sometimes I high fived myself when I made it out of bed.
Loud rumbling is what I could hear and heavy rain drops started to fall on my face so I actually didn't waste any time getting into school.
Before I could go straight to the class room I met Angela in one of the long and endless corridors. She smiled at me and indicated to take off my ear buds.
"What's up?" I asked, popping the p at the end.
"Mornin' Bella. Be careful when you open your locker. I saw Edward stuffing something in it. And as you know him it won't be roses…" She looked apologetic at me.
I took a deep breath before I thanked her for the warning and still walked my way to Mr. Kruger's History class. Also I had this stupid feeling in my stomach and it was making me nauseous.
Mr. Kruger just gave us an assignment about world war two and advised us to start in class and finish it at home, having it done at the end of the week.
But actually I couldn't concentrate on the questions and words and so my mind was drifting. I bit on my pencil and stared out of the window.
While doing so I mulled over Edward, again. Did I have to go to my locker before school would end? Actually no… But there was this big test in Math and of course all the important stuff was in there. Maybe I could pretend I was sick and then secretly open it and see what he did.
I pretty much wanted to avoid a public humiliation. He actually didn't do these kinds of things very often but when, they just were ugly.
The last five minutes I forced myself to read something from this stupid text but gave up as soon as the bell rang and stuffed it into my folder.
Math was the third class, just right after Geography. I hated Math, I really did but this was just a part of high school's ordeal.
Maybe I hadn't to pretend to be sick because I felt worse with every step I took. Not only had I this dark cloud following me around, no I was tormented by this boy who had nothing better to do than to bring me down.
As I tried to find a song which just felt right someone bumped into me. I looked at his bronze hair and green eyes and felt bile coming up my throat.
Because the music was still filling my ears I just saw his lips moving. I really didn't want to take it off; I just would fell into the gruesome reality.
His face got furious and I knew that he was throwing profanities at me. But who was I to care?
I tried to suppress the tears building in my eyes and went the opposite direction. He tried to hold my arm but I was faster and escaped this vile creature.
My heart pounded as I entered the next classroom and already was asked by the teacher if everything was alright. I grabbed my chance and shook my head and said I didn't feel good and if I could rest of this class in the nurse's office. Because she seemed to be a caring person she sent me away with a hall pass.
Some of the other students had paid attention and looked at me funnily but by most I was being ignored and this was kinda good.
I checked the hall and as I was sure that no one else was around I tried to open my locker.
It was an anxious feeling but anyways I had to get my books and files and whatever this guy had put in it I had to deal with it.
Slowly I opened it and because I was clever and had reflexes like a cat in special situations I didn't get the bucket full of garbage up in my face.
The metal made a loud clunk noise while hitting the floor. He really wanted that I was hit with rotten fish, dirt, slime and things I couldn't even identify.
I was livid and sad. Just so fucking furious. How dare this motherfucker doing this? I felt even weaker and was really, really glad that Angela had told me. Otherwise everyone would laugh about me and I had to drive home and explain why I couldn't take part in the Math test.
What to do now was the question…
Looking around I finally found the janitor's closet and took out some cleaning items. I still had enough time and tried to hurry that no one would see me.
I put on the rubber gloves and put everything back into the bucket. Then I threw it into the nearest bin and cleaned the ground for solid two minutes. After everything was done I put it back into the closet and walked to the bathroom.
Splashing cold water in my face was now the best thing of this day. I felt refreshed and not so dirty anymore, though I didn't feel that nasty stuff on my skin.
After I had cleaned myself I wandered the halls and finally got into the nurse's office. I told her that I didn't feel good and needed to rest for the next 30 minutes. She just prepared everything and I lay down.
I tried to switch off my mind and not thinking about the horrible things Edward had done to me or still would. Why I even was there anymore was still a mystery to me. But I guessed I didn't want my dad to be left alone and feeling guilty that he couldn't help me.
It wasn't his fault I felt like this most of the time. It was just a part of me. A disgusting sickness and I knew it but still I couldn't change a thing about it.
And when there was a little bit of lightness or change of heart this douchebag came and destroyed everything.
I remembered vividly how he spilled juice all over my new dress in freshman year and tripped me. This was actually quite harmless and I got over it. In sophomore year he hid my books, changed my locker combination, and made jokes about me, in junior year he tried to slice the tires of my truck but was interrupted by a teacher and actually got detention. This had been the very first and last time. I didn't tell my dad because that would have been too much trouble and I wanted to avoid it at all costs.
Now we were in senior year and I was really looking for a closure and university. Maybe I also could get myself to make an effort but my energy level was so low all the time.
Thirty minutes passed and I made my way to the dreaded Math test and got it over with. I was surprised it didn't even feel so bad. Maybe it was because I had gotten help from one of my fellow students.
She was, next to a few people, the only one I really liked. Her name was Alice and she had a great personality. The only disturbing thing was that she shared the same genes like Edward due to the fact that they were siblings.
But we always had met outside, never at her or my home. I liked this and actually had begun to understand Math a little bit better because she could explain it to me so easily.
It had been our teacher who had brought us together and I had been grateful otherwise I would have scored not very high in this test.
After that I met her outside the class.
"So Bella, was it very difficult?" she asked with hopeful eyes.
I gave her a shy smile. "No and that thanks to you Alice. Maybe I could invite you for a milkshake after school?"
She literally beamed with energy and gave me a surprising hug. "Of course Bella, we could meet by six at the diner? Same booth as always," she winked and said goodbye because she really had to hurry for Gym.
Still surprised I stood in the corridor and asked myself why she was so nice to me. Didn't she know that her brother despised me? But most of the time she didn't hang with him or his crowd of people. It seemed that their parents did something right with her.
Next class I had the free choice to study in the library and so I dragged myself into this dusty old room. It was filled with shelves of books and it seemed that I was the only one within this space of words.
Slowly I sat down on one of the large tables and pulled out a book I just had started to read. Actually my favorite books were written by Jane Austen but now I wanted to try something new. This book had been sent by my mom.
She and dad had a divorce when I was really young and because she wanted to discover the world and really didn't feel ready to become a mom, my parents decided that dad would take care of me.
Sometimes I had been mad at her but we build up a good relationship in some degree. At least every week we tried to call each other or write emails. She also would always visit on my birthday and I stayed at Florida for a few weeks during the summer holiday each year. She tried to be a good mother the best she could think of.
Mom said that this book was part of a trilogy and if I would miss it then there would be something seriously wrong. As I continued to read I heard some strange noises.
I looked around and saw that two people had entered the room and closed the door.
"Uh Edward, you are so kinky. I love this, where do you wanna do it?" a girl tried to say with a sexy voice.
My skin started to crawl and I couldn't believe that this asshat was going to fuck some girl in the holy halls of the library.
"Wait Lauren, just wanna check if someone is in here," he said and started to move.
My heart skipped a beat and I hastily tried to find a place to hide because I really didn't want to face him.
Because the room was quite big I had a head start of a few seconds and found myself behind the only sofa. It was big and red and a very good hiding spot.
Though I was quite clumsy I made no real noise and just prayed that these two would finally disappear. I couldn't be the only one who wanted to read here, right?
But I knew the truth just as Edward did. Most students went to the cafeteria or outside. Meeting with friends or doing homework and not trying to hide and read books.
I really didn't know what to do. If they would discover me now I probably would be shoved into the nearest wall or something like that.
Now I had to deal with overhearing the two most disgusting people of the school making out. Edward was nasty, indeed.
"You little slut. You don't wear any underwear. Did you expect me?" His voice was raw and deep and she just giggled in response.
"What about the couch Edward? I guess that would be so more comfy," Lauren shrieked in her high voice.
He just mumbled something and I heard their footsteps on their way of my doom. If it wouldn't be so fucked up I actually would laugh. Really here I sat trapped behind a couch and had to endure t h i s.
"Just lay down little slut and we see what I can do for you," Edward told her in a demanding voice.
I actually had to shiver because that voice fit perfectly to his demeanor. I always imagined him being a control freak and not afraid of harsh words. And Lauren really thought that slut was a term of endearment?
My hands tried to cover my ears as I heard them moaning. I was disgusted to say the least. Just my fucking perfect day.
I really hoped they wouldn't go last base and I had to witness everything.
"Oh Edward, you are soooo good. I wanna have your big cock in my wet cunt."
I internally cringed. Oh my god that was so horrible. Really, was that their way of sexy talk? I mean, common…
Edward didn't reply but I heard his heavy breathing and ripping of a paper. Of course he would have condoms with him. I would never look at this sofa again.
"You like it when my cock fills your pussy, don't you? I will ram it into you all the way in," he groaned and it started.
This sofa seemed not to be one of the newest models because I heard the elastic springs. How they squeaked with every movement.
As I covered my ears I tried to dream myself far, far away and so I walked down the sandy beach. My feet were wet and cold from the ocean and I heard seagulls fighting for fish over the depths of dark blue.
But of course I couldn't shield everything and so I listened to Lauren's and Edward's enjoyable orgasm.
"That's it Lauren. Just leave, I have to take care of something," the asshole said in an ordering voice and it sounded if Lauren had blown him a kiss and continued to giggle as she left.
He had to take care of something? He couldn't have seen me, please, he couldn't.
I closed my eyes as I heard him speak.
"I know that someone is here. Come out, you can't hide anymore," he ordered again.
I felt like throwing up. What would he do when he saw that it was me? Would it be possible for him to hurt me? Maybe it was just a matter of time because he loathed me with so much passion.
Knowing it wouldn't make much sense to hide anymore I slowly got up and tried to look anywhere but him.
"Of all fucking people it's fucking you who is hiding in here? Of course my damn luck," he huffed in annoyance.
That wasn't so bad, was it? So why should I care, it wasn't my fault they decided to switch body fluids in here. I just would walk head high out.
As I still avoided his gaze and tried to get past him he grabbed my arm and I winced.
He drew me really close to his body and I could feel his breath on my face. He smelled like cigarettes and something else I couldn't identify.
"Let me go," I almost screamed.
"Look the fuck at me bitch!" he shouted back. "What happened here stays in here. Do you understand?"
I looked up and saw his green eyes staring into me, scanning me and having this slight threat in them.
My arm still hurt but it seemed that he wouldn't let go until he had his way.
"Yes… Yes, I understand," I said gulping my tears away. I just wanted to run and never see him again.
He still didn't ease his grip and moved his face even nearer.
"I mean it b i t ch. You are such a worthless piece of shit and it disgusts me to actually touch you. So don't fucking dare to disturb me again," he said it with malice dripping off each word.
Now I couldn't hold back my tears anymore. What had I ever done to this prick? Why did he pick me from all these people to be bullied? And now he also hurt me in a physical way.
I looked down and just gave up. He could do whatever he wanted to do, I wouldn't fight anymore. Just finish me off and be done with it.
"Was that all?" I asked with a monotone voice.
Instead of answering he loosened his grip and stomped out of the room. I just stood there and tried not to get a breakdown. No, he didn't deserve the power he had over me. He didn't deserve neither a single tear nor a sob.
I would stand brave and tall. Unintentionally I stroked over the area he had hold on. It still hurt a little bit and was red. He really had power in both ways and it was all too much to handle for me.