Here's a story. For you. To read. A general LOTR parody.

Note: I own nothing, not even the man next door.

LORD OF THE WHAT?!

The Fellowship of the String

Chapter One

One string to rule them all

One string to find them

One string to bring them all

And in the darkness bind them

Literally.

Dildo Sackins was a dirty old hobbit, who would turn one-hundred and eleven years old within the week. During that week, he decided to make a decision. His decision was that he would have a smashing good party, and leave secretly in the middle of it, leave the Shmire and go stay with the elves. This was quite the elaborate plan, one that Dildo was pretty happy with.

But he was not happy now. For many various reasons.

One, the clown that was supposed to be at the party cancelled at the last minute. So Dildo was stuck hiring some crackpot wizerd called Ganflad to do fireworks.

Second, he had invited only half the Shmire, and from the talk in the town, it seemed that the whole population would attend, (more presents!) including the dreaded Bagville-Sackinsses. WHich brings us to the third point.

Since Dildo was leaving, there was talk that he was selling his home, the finest hobbit-hole in all of Hobbitville. The Bagville-Sackinsses thought he owed them something, or perhaps they just wanted a share in his riches, for Dildo was suspected of owning quite some wealth. However, he did not intend to leave anything to his dreaded relatives, but to his nephew Odorf.

This was the fourth thing. He would gladly have taken Odorf with him, but the young lad was still attached to the Shmire, and it would hurt Dildo to say goodbye.

He was interrupted from these thoughts, hwich he had been thinking while brushing his foot hair, by a knock on the door. 'THERES NOBODY HOME!' he cried.

'OH REALLY?! WELL, I HAVE A BONE TO PICK WITH YOU PEE WEE!!'

'Ganflad,' Dildo muttered. 'I told you I"m not paying you in advance.'

'All right, but can I sit on your porch and smoke a pipe while making rude gestures at hobbit children?'

'It's all right with me,' Dildo.

The night of the party....

Dildo kindly greeted all his guests with a fake smile, as they filed in to the partying-area. Odorf and his bodyguard Bam Gamgee showed up, and were greeted with a genuine smile instead. They were followed by Jolly Brandybuck and Trippin Took, who sat with them at a table and served ale.

Then, they snuck off to the fireworks wagon, bringing into a tent with them the largest of GAndflad's magic tricks.

'It's a giant JOINT!' Trippin cried, and lit it.

'NO IT'S NOT YOU FOOL! It's a FIREWORK.'

'...damn. So JOlly, what would happen if I lit it?'

'That would be a mistake, my friend.'

"Jolly?'

'Yes, Tirp?'

'I think I just made a mistake.-'

BOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!

::screams of a schoolgirl::

Jolly and trip stood up, admiring their work as the firework took off, and were promtly grabbed by the ears by Ganflad. 'They don't pay me enough for this job. Honestly, I'm not a nanny.'

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Odorf was trying to convince Bam to go dance with Rosie Cashmere. He grabbed the fat hobbit by the arm, and shoved him on the the dancefloor, Bam instantly being thrown into a spirited dance by Rosie. Odorf chuckled, in that weird chuckle of his, sounding suspiciously like Elijah Wood.

For several hours, there was much dancing and festivity, which promptly put itself on hold when Dildo got up to make a speech. 'Good evening, douchebags! I hope you're enjoying the free booze-'

::cheers::

Dildo smiled, putting a hand in his pocket, and behind his back. He held his lucky string. HE went on, 'My dears, it's been a wonderful, horrible, long, short, tall, fat, 111 years. But ...that's about to change. Because I'm getting a bit bored, feeling thin, like jelly smeared over too much bagel. And now, for something completely different."

With a squeeze of the string, he vanished into thin air. Everybody screamed, and a buzz of talk began. Dildo scurried off, laughing to himself about his little joke. HE ran into his hobbit hole, nad began frantically packing. He turned to the fireplace to find Ganflad staring at him, and he jumped. 'OH GAnflad, I didn't see you. I suppose you'll be wanting to know how I pulled that little joke off, eh?'

'No, i just want to get paid for doing the fireworks. Don't get cheap on me, Dildo.'

Dildo sighed. 'Give me a moment. I'll write the check.' As he did that task, Ganflad helped himself to some tea and a ham sandwich. bEtween bites he said, 'So , have you said goodbye to Odorf?'

'Of course, I have. I"m leaving evrything to him.'

'Including your string?'

'What-yes, of course. ANd yet, perhaps that would be a less wise choice, ya know what I'm sayin'?'

Ganflad raised an eyebrow. 'Oh?'

'Well, it's very precious to me. It came to me.'

'Maybe you should give it up. It's only a string.'

'NO! You thief. It's mine...my own....my .....sexxyyy.....'

Ganflad choked on his sandwich. 'Excuse me?!"