Inner Demons
By Montez
Disclaimer: okay Winchester's and Caleb still not mine, Kirpke's and Ridley's respectively.
A/N: Again Ridley's wonderful story 'Still Unbroken' has inspired me. This time it's the scene at the end of the story with Caleb and Dean standing on the dunes, looking at Caleb's childhood home on the beach. I was curious as to what would happen once Caleb went inside. This is my attempt to fill that gap. I don't know if Ridley is going to address this in a future story, but this just came to me one night and literally wouldn't let me sleep until I had the whole thing plotted out in my head-hope it reads as well on paper as it sounded in my head (and no I don't hear voices, wait…who was that?). Hope you enjoy--Montez
Dean silently watched his best friend as the older man slowly started to make his way across the uneven sand, the sound of the waves crashing on the shore nearly deafening. The last three days had been hard on them all, but more so for Caleb. After being hit by a speeding car in Texas the older hunter had lost his memory of who he was and who his family was. It had unnerved Dean, walking into that hospital room and not seeing the familiar spark in his friend's eyes. The look the dark-haired man had given the road-weary, obviously exhausted and inwardly scared Winchester as he entered the room, to Dean, was like looking into the eyes of a stranger and that, more than his worry for Caleb's physical injuries, had rattled the Guardian to be to his core.
But this, this impromptu road trip to South Carolina, terrified the younger hunter. Dean knew of Caleb's 'memories' of the day his parents died. He knew of Caleb's intense dislike for bodies of water larger than a bathtub, and adding that with the worry of his friends newly restored memory. Dean was afraid he would somehow 'lose' his friend again and this time he may not get him back. Lucifer had messed with the older hunter's memory of that horrific day over thirty years ago, not with the facts of the day, but the perception of the events. Then Castiel had taken Caleb back to watch it all over again from 'outside' the closet and had been able to trigger a return of the hunter's memory. But now Caleb felt the need to face the fear of his past, so the Devil would no longer have something to hold over Reaves and Dean wasn't going to let his friend, his brother, face those inner demons alone, so he silently followed.
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Caleb had stood for a moment after Dean's offer to come with him to the beach house, closing his eyes, trying to block out the images that were already assaulting his mind, as well as trying to block out the relentless noise of the waves crashing on the shore. Finally opening them again he slowly started across the sand, hating the sinking motion it made with each footfall, almost as if it was continuously trying to trap him in its grainy grip. The faded yellow paint, weathered by the wind, sand and salty air, was a sharp contrast to the bright yellow from his memories. The sun-bleached blue shutters banged against the window seals as the constant winds from the sea blew.
Finally reaching the deck that was attached to the structure, Caleb could feel his heart rate increase, trying desperately to keep his breathing under control so as not to alert his best friend to the distress he was feeling. The hunter had faced so many things in his life since his six-year old self was carried from this place in the arms of a police officer who had tried to shield him from the gore that had been inside. The things that he had seen and done since would have terrified normal men, sent them screaming, but Caleb had faced them without blinking; the supernatural was easy compared to this. Not many people knew that a small, yellow beach house with blue shutters was Caleb's nightmare, the one thing that made him want to turn and run as fast as he could and never look back.
However, as discovered on the flight from California, Evil knew what terrified Caleb and it had used it against him, nearly causing him to walk away from the people he loved, he cared about, and who loved him. Lucifer had used his silent fear, his buried trauma; the Devil had found his weakness and manipulated it. After waking up in the bar in Louisville, after Castiel had finally shown himself to Caleb and showed the younger man what Lucifer had done, the dark-haired hunter had gotten his memory back, gotten his family back, but also realized that he had to face this fear and conquer it in order to protect those he cared about and to keep Lucifer from gaining an upper hand over him.
Gripping the wind-blistered railing Caleb climbed the four stairs to the deck, his boots sounding hollow against the wood, Dean's steps behind him, almost an echo. Covering the few feet he stopped at what had been the screen door, now only a frame as the screen had been battered away by the elements. Pulling the frame open he reached with a shaking hand for the knob, expecting it to be locked, or for the door to be swollen into the frame and difficult to open, he was surprised that the knob turned and the door swung easily open with only a quiet squeak.
To an outsider it would appear strange that what was once such a beautiful beach house would remain vacant and seemingly untouched by people for over thirty years, but Caleb knew different. He had learned years ago that the property had reverted to his grandmother after his parents deaths, thus becoming his after her death. His grandmother had been from New Orleans and he had learned that his mother's side of the family had its own 'otherworldly' connections. It was not something his grandmother had openly taught the young child she had taken in, but Caleb would watch and listen and knew his grandmother would occasionally perform spells for people, protection spells mostly, so he understood how the property would remain untouched after all these years. Undoubtedly his grandmother had been more powerful than he would have given her credit for the protection to have lasted so many years after her own death, thus the house remained nearly unchanged since the day the police had sealed it as a crime scene.
It was almost like stepping back thirty years for Caleb, though he hadn't been inside the structure since he was six, it was as if he had never left. Though the colors were muted by age, as he passed through the doorway the slide-show of how the interior looked when he was a child fell back into place. The small entry way contained the bench and hooks that were used by the family, shoes would be placed neatly in there spots while beach hats and towels were placed on hooks. Caleb looked at the now empty space and could see his mother's pale pink beach hat she would wear each time they would walk along the beach. He could remember her carrying the large canvas bag that contained her painting supplies; she would take the small boy for walks along the beach to find just the perfect spots to do her seascapes, allowing her son to play for hours in the sand and surf.
Taking a controlled deep-breath the older hunter moved a few feet down the hallway, to his right the kitchen opened up, a fine coating of sand covered every surface. Images of his mother cooking dinner while a young Caleb sat at the bar in the middle of the room, drawing and coloring, flashed through his memory. His mother had always encouraged his artistic side, even as a small boy, he never lacked for paper and crayons. He stood staring as he recalled the many times his father would come home just as his mother would finish with dinner, walking into the room Isaac would always make a point of giving his wife a kiss upon his arrival home, then he would turn and lift his dark-haired son into the air, giggles erupting from the child as his father would huge him tight and comment on whatever piece of artwork his son would be working on, the refrigerator always covered in child-like drawings.
"You okay?" the soft whisper of Dean caused Caleb to shake his head. Apparently he had stood there longer than he realized and his best friend was becoming concerned. Dean had remained silent, but could clearly read the emotions from the older man, just from his posture and forced rhythmic breathing.
Clearing his throat Caleb whispered, "Yeah" as he turned and continued down the hallway. They passed what Dean assumed was the living room, sheets covering larger pieces of furniture, Caleb only giving it a quick glance as he walked by.
The next doorway held a partially closed door; Caleb paused, slowly pushing it open, this was his father's office. Again the older man's memories filled the room with phantom versions of himself, his father and his mother.
Isaac and Caleb had just finished their house of cards as his mother walked into the room "What do you think mommy?" his small self asked his mother as she sat on the floor next to her husband and son.
"I think it's missing a family to live inside." Amelia answered, watching her son reach for the unused cards.
Shifting through them the six-year old pulled out the King of Hearts and handed it to his father, "Daddy," then he found the Queen of Hearts and handed to his mother, "Mommy". Continuing on he found the Jack of Spades, laying it on the floor in front of himself, "And me." the small boy smiled at his parents as he watched his father kiss his mother, then look back at him.
"You're forgetting one…" Isaac took the cards from Caleb's small hands and sorted through them, handing his son the Two of Spades.
"What's this?" Caleb turned the card over in his hands.
"It's the Deuce card, the wild card, because mommy doesn't know if she is having a baby boy or a baby girl." Isaac smiled at his son as the boy took a moment to understand what his father had said.
"I'm getting a baby brother?" the small boys voice going up higher as he seemed to get excited, he had been wanting a baby brother 'forever' in Caleb's terms.
"Or a baby sister." His mother corrected as she pulled him into her lap, kissing the top of his forehead. The memory faded as the image of the six-year old ran his hand over the Two of Spades, it was the last happy memory Caleb had of his parents.
"Deuce" Caleb barely whispered as he felt his 'brother' place a hand on his shoulder. Glancing up he caught sight of concerned moss-green eyes looking at him, giving a shadowed version of his cocky grin, one that didn't reach his eyes, Caleb pulled the door completely closed as he turned as faced the door at the end of the hallway.
Passing another closed door, the older man knew was once his room, he continued on to the final doorway, his parent's bedroom. Faded tape hung loosely down the frame, remnants of the yellow crime scene tape he was sure the police had sealed the room with once his parent's bodies had been removed. "You don't have to do this; you don't have anything to prove." Dean again pleaded. Caleb knew the younger man was worried; Dean had voiced his concern many times on the drive from Kentucky.
"Yes I do, I have to prove to myself that this place doesn't have a hold on me…" Turning he looked into the face of his friend, reading the fear, even without using his psychic abilities. "This has been my nightmare for over thirty years Deuce and now Lucifer knows it. I have to face this…please, wait for me out here." Caleb watched panic flash in Dean's eyes. "Please."
Every fiber of Dean's being told him 'no', told him to just drag his friend from this place, but the pleading he saw in Caleb's eyes, the absolute fear he saw on the man's face, it terrified Dean. He had just gotten his friend, his brother, back after three days of hell, or as close as the Guardian had been to it since his return from the pit, and he didn't want to go through that again. However, at the same time he saw that Caleb needed to do this, if only for himself, to prove to himself that he could let go of the past. That Caleb could beat the Devil at his own game and take away what the Prince of Darkness thought he had to hold over the Knight. Slowly Dean nodded, watching trepidation cross the older hunters face, Dean watched Caleb turn, facing the door. Taking a deep breath, Caleb Reaves, the Knight of the Brotherhood, turned the knob and pushed open the faded white door.
The room had remained closed up for over three decades; the first odor released was the stale, stuffy air that had not been circulated in all that time. However, as Caleb took that first tentative step into the darkened room, a metallic stench assaulted his senses. He wasn't completely aware if it was just his mind conjuring up the smell or if the room still held the over-powering odor, the odor of blood.
Forcing himself to take another step, his vision started to adjust to the lack of light, only a hint filtered through the closed shutters and opened door, but to Caleb's mind it was as if the room was illuminated by spotlights. Vivid memories of his own, as well as, the ones shown to him by Lucifer and Castiel filled in any blanks his own mind had forgotten. His own version of events had been somewhat filtered through the slates of the closet door that the six-year old had watched the horrific events of that day through. It was from that perspective that he had carried the perception that his father had killed his mother, then himself. However, the version from 'outside' the closet that Castiel had shown him gave more insight to what happened that day.
Stepping even further now, Caleb came to stand at the edge of the dresser he had watched his father start pulling items from as he pleaded with his wife to pack some things for herself and Caleb. Looking closely at the spot on the floor he could make out the long dried pools that had drained from his parents bodies, ones he knew now came from not only his father's self-inflicted gunshot wound, but from his mother's 'demon-possessed' self-inflicted stab-wound to her heart.
The dark-haired hunter felt his heart rate increase along with his breathing as all the scenes fell together, giving him the true version of what had happened that day. Staring at the floor, then toward the closet door where a six-year old Caleb had remained curled up in a small huddle in the back of the closet for hours before anyone had come to the house, the older man felt his legs finally do what they had wanted to do since he had stepped foot in the sand, they gave out.
The echo of the impact sounded softly in the room as Caleb's knees hit the floor, his hand shooting out in front of him to stop his forward decent to the floor, to the darkened stain that was there. For a moment his vision narrowed as he tried desperately to control his breathing, his focus was so much on trying not to pass out that he never heard Dean enter the room until a strong grip on his arm pulled him upright, leaning him awkwardly against the dresser.
"Damien!…hey man, look at me!" Dean's panicked voice finally filtered through as he felt the younger man take a hold of his face, forcing their eyes to meet. "Caleb!"
The use of his name by his best friend is what grounded him; it was what allowed him to focus on the concerned, fear-filled eyes that were watching him, "Deuce?"
"Come on man, this is enough, I'm getting you out of here. You didn't need to do this, this was a mistake." Dean was scared and it came out sounding angry as he attempted to get Caleb to his feet.
Caleb's senses came back to him as he felt Dean try to pull him up, allowing the motion he leaned heavily on the dresser once upright. "No…" The older man shook off his friends grip, "Damn it, I have to do this."
"DO WHAT?!" Dean pulled himself to his full height, though it was still a couple inches below Caleb's it was to give the older man the indication that the younger man wasn't joking, nor was he backing down. "Look, you came here, what more do you need to do?" Dean's voice softened as he still could see pain in Caleb's gaze, even in the dim light. "Son of a bitch…" Dean turned his head, rubbing his face, "I just got you back man. What ever it was that Lucifer showed you, it caused you to forget who you were…to forget who I was…do you understand that?" That was Dean's fear and now he had laid it out there for Caleb to see. Hurt was clearly heard in the younger hunter's voice. "I can't…I won't let that happen again…" Clearing his throat, Dean grabbed his friend's upper arm, pulling him toward the door, "It's time to go."
Grabbing Dean's wrist Caleb stopped him, "I'm not going anywhere…" Caleb's tone told Dean that he wasn't talking about whether he was leaving the room or not. It was telling Dean that his friend wasn't planning on 'leaving' him again. "I've got one more thing I need to do." Taking a deep breath, the older hunter pulled away from Dean and as the young man watched, Caleb stepped around the spot on the floor and stopped at the closed closet door.
Again, memories filled his mind as he could remember playing in the closet. Anytime his mother would be in her room, Caleb would come and stow away in the small space, with his mother's 'treasures'. The treasures consisted of her wooden jewelry box that his father had made her that looked like a treasure chest. Amelia had told Caleb that his father had given it to her the day he had brought her to the beach house; it had contained the key to the door. Isaac had found the perfect house to keep his family safe, or so he had thought all those years ago, and Amelia had always dreamed of living on the beach. However, by the time Caleb was old enough to move about and follow his mother around, the box had started to contain other gifts that Isaac would give his wife, nothing ever flashy or expensive, usually small pieces of jewelry the man would make for her from shells or sea glass he would find along the beach. It had also contained a few beaded necklaces that Amelia had owned before marrying.
Caleb would sit in the closet and place all the items in front of him, then giggle when he would hear his mother 'worry' about her missing treasure and worried that some 'pirates' had invaded the house while they were away and taken their bounty and buried it on the beach. She would then open the closet door and be 'relieved' that her protector, her hero Caleb had kept her treasures safe from the marauding pirates. They would then return the items to the safety of the box and back to its place on the dresser until the next time the pirates invaded. Caleb recalled his mother telling him stories about pirates and she would make Caleb the hero in every story. That's probably why, as a teenager, Caleb had secretly enjoyed the stories about the Dragons and Prince Samuel that Pastor Jim would tell, making Caleb one of the hero's. He was Belac the red dragon who protected Athewm, the green dragon and the Prince. It also reinforced the idea that Caleb would do anything to protect those he cared about, he loved, since a part of him had felt that he had failed all those years ago in protecting his mother.
Pulling the closet door open Caleb knelt down and retrieved a flashlight from his pocket. Turning it on the brightness filled the closet as he took in the pile of cloths and blankets that still held the impression of where his six-year old self had curled up, crying uncontrollably after what he had witnessed happen to his parents. He could barely remember voices entering the room and opening the door as his eyes had remained focused on the doorway of the small space. It was a calming voice that tried to get him to respond as an unfamiliar face floated in and out of focus, he recalled the voice changing as it was replaced by a woman's quiet voice. He didn't recall what she said, but could remember his body starting to shake as she slowly approached him, pulling him up into her arms. Caleb recalled wrapping his arms around the stranger's neck and burying his face against her shoulder, the whole time she whispered in a calming tone. Once she stood the officer had quickly gotten the child out of the house as Caleb recalled the crashing sound of the waves in the distance, his attention drawn to the flashing lights that lit up the distance where his parents would park their cars.
Caleb had found out years later, when he had used some of Mac's contacts, that it had been his father's friend Kenneth's wife, the one the Yellow-Eyed Demon had possessed in the version of events that Castiel had shown him, that had called the police to check on her husband and his friend, when her husband hadn't returned home the night after he was suppose to met with Isaac about a job and she had been unable to get a hold of Isaac. The police had went to see if Isaac had met with his friend when they discovered the back door wide open and when no one responded to their calling, the officers cautiously entered the house only to come face to face with the carnage of the master bedroom. In the chaos of the initial calls for assistance to the crime scene, it had taken them nearly a half an hour before they had found Caleb huddled in the closet and that had only been when an officer had found the small child's bedroom, but had found no evidence of the child. It was after a search of the house that the small boy was found in the closet, the officers on the scene realizing that the tiny boy had witnessed what had happened to his parents.
Shaking off the memories Caleb searched the closet until he found what he was looking for, his mother's treasure box, still stuffed in the corner where he had left it upon hearing his father's voice telling his mother that they needed to leave. Feeling Dean step closer behind him, Caleb moved further into the closet and grabbed the small wooden box. Sitting down, Caleb pulled the box into his lap as he opened the lid. The array of shell necklaces and bracelets showed in the light beam of the flashlight, the sea glass giving a hint of sparkle. Picking a few pieces up the older man allowed the feel of the items in his hand to bring a few tears that would never fall. Some items he could recall his mother wearing, other's just seemed to always be in the box, waiting for him to play with. Reaching around those items Caleb pulled out the strands of beads that had always been there, it was then that something in the bottom of the box caught his eye. Moving the remaining pieces of jewelry aside Caleb felt his breath catch in his throat. For the first time he noticed his hand shake as his fingers came in contact with the red and silver object in the bottom of the velvet lined box. It was a dragon pennant; the size of a quarter, the dragon was red inside a silver circle. No chain was attached to the charm as Caleb held it between his fingers, moving the flashlight to get a better look at the item he had no memory of.
His mind seemed to be trying to process what he was seeing, somehow he started to associate the life he had with his parents in the beach house and the life he had now. Was it somehow meant to be, Caleb was never a believer in coincidence, he was always one to believe things happened for a reason, even if he didn't know the reason at the time, he believed it would eventually come to light. But sitting in the closet that he had hidden in as a child, an adult Caleb held an unexpected link between his past and his present, in the form of a small red dragon pennant. Closing his hand around the object he placed all the other pieces of jewelry back into the box and sat it back in the corner of the closet.
Standing he placed the dragon charm in his pocket, as he did he felt a weight lift from his soul, a weight he had carried since he was six-years old. He now knew that his father had not killed his mother as he had believed most of his life, Castiel had shown him that part, it had been the same Yellow-Eyed Demon that had killed the Winchester's mother, that killed his. Though he still didn't understand why his father had ended his own life, unless the man felt in some way he was protecting Caleb, as by the conversation the hunter had heard between the YED and his father in the restaurant it seemed that Isaac had somehow been able to protect or shield Caleb, but with the new pregnancy the small family had been 'rediscovered' and the YED was trying to stake his claim to the Reaves/Seaver's family again.
Caleb had come to terms years ago about the link between his family and the YED; he had vowed that he would not repeat the tragic past the men of his family had seemed damned to. However, maybe it was the sacrifice of Isaac all those years ago that had broken that cycle for Caleb. Maybe that is why the YED had never appeared to Caleb or tried to tempt him as he had done with Sam and the other children it had infected. But even if that was the case, the fear of what he could have become is what had driven Caleb to work, train and fight to be the best hunter he could be, to put his faith in the family that had taken him in, in the God that Pastor Jim had so vehemently believed in even after all the older man had seen and experienced.
Mac had taken him in, loved him as if he was his own flesh and blood. Jim had accepted him and was the constant voice of reason when the boy would worry about his lineage. John had trained him, trusted him with his own children even though Winchester had heard the rumors of Caleb's family connection to the YED, the same demon that had destroyed his life. Then there was Dean, Caleb's Deuce, the little brother he had been robbed of on the fateful day. From the day the teen had meet the mute five-year old, the small child had trusted the older boy, unconditionally. The small boy had trusted Caleb to protect him, to protect Sammy and in turn Caleb had found a kindred spirit, one touched by the same horror that had touched his own life. It was that bond that forged the friendship that had turned to a brotherhood that nothing could break, not even Lucifer's attempt to wipe his family's memory from his mind.
Stepping from the closet Caleb's eyes met his brother's, the concern clear. Crossing the few feet that separated them Caleb reached a hand up and placed on Dean's shoulder. "I'm ready now." The calmness of his voice, providing a glimpse of the peace that now filled his soul, giving a hint of a smile Caleb turned and headed for the door, knowing Dean would be right behind him. Once the shadows of the two hunters passed through the master bedroom door, the unobstructed light filtered in as Caleb left the door open. The light fell on the open door of the closet as the older man had finally released that small, scared child from the closet that had held him for over thirty years.
Dean watched as his friend confidently walked back out the bedroom door, down the hallway and out the back door without breaking stride and without the slump in his shoulders that the man had carried as they had entered the house. Once exiting the backdoor Caleb crossed the deck and stopped at the top of the stairs and turned to Dean. "Wait for me, I'll be right back." Without waiting for a reply Caleb descended the steps and started walking toward the water.
Dean tensed, making quick work of the four steps, "Damien?"
Caleb turned and smiled, this time it seemed to reach his eyes, "I'm fine, just give me a minute." A slight nod was all the older man got in return, telling him that Dean would hold his position near the deck as Caleb turned back around jogging the rest of the way to where the sand changed from the dry, blowing particles to where the water line would reach with each incoming wave. Stopping at the edge of that small dividing line Caleb watched the waves come in, small ones just rolling up the beach, occasionally a larger one would make it nearly as far up as where the older man was standing. Closing his eyes the psychic took a deep breath, for the first time in his adult life the salt smell of the air not making him sick to his stomach. This had been a part of his life, he had loved the beach, just as his mother did, he could remember hours spent playing in the surf, finding shells, catching small crabs that would be washed ashore.
Opening his eyes again, he looked down at the line in the sand and took a step over it. Looking up he saw one of the larger waves that had nearly reached him coming in, standing he waited as the wash of water came in, covering his boots, drenching his jeans nearly to his knees. Watching the water retreat he couldn't help but laugh to himself, how had he let something he had loved as a child create such fear in him as an adult. Reaching into his pocket he pulled out the red dragon pennant he had found, still marveling at the unusual link his two lives seemed to have. Standing there looking at it again, he recalled a story his mother told once of how not all dragons were bad and that some where great protectors of wondrous treasures, she had always told him he protected her treasures from the 'pirates' in her stories.
Looking at the object one last time, Caleb closed his fist around it, pulling his arm back he threw the charm into the ocean as another wave came in, recovering his boots and jeans. "You can't have me and you'll never get them!" Caleb yelled, "So fuck you Lucifer!" His voiced fading over the sound of the ocean waves he turned his back to the water and saw his best friend standing between the deck and where Caleb was. The older hunter smiled as he knew it was taking all of Dean's restraint to not follow him. It was time he put the younger man's mind at ease. They had a job to do, the Apocalypse was upon them, Lucifer kept trying to get through their defenses in his desperate attempt to get to Sam and it appeared the only angel they had on their side was Castiel, who had now provided Caleb with the same protection from detection that the Winchester's sported. So for now they were 'hidden' from the view of demons and angels, giving them a chance to gather their forces and obtain needed information that was necessary to stop the end of the world.
However, there was one very important thing Caleb needed to do, other that put Dean's mind at ease. Stopping at his best friend, "Let's go home, I need to see my dad."
Dean clamped a hand on Caleb shoulder as the older man unexpectedly pulled the younger one into a hug, pulling back Caleb laughed at Dean's confused expression, which quickly changed to one of relief as the younger man echoed the sentiments "Let's go home." Slowly both men made their way across the beach; back to the where Sammy was now sitting on the hood of the Impala. The younger man reached for the back door, figuring Dean would want Caleb upfront with him. Caleb stepped around to the passenger side as Dean approached the drivers door, "Stomp your damn feet, you better not get sand in my baby." Dean smiled at his friend over the roof of the car as Caleb made a show of stomping his feet. The younger man got in behind the wheel, watching his friend open the door Dean thought, Caleb could get a truck load of sand in the car as long he was safely inside.
The three men closed the doors as the black vehicle rumbled to life, backing from the spot that faced the ocean, Dean headed out of the parking lot, back toward Kentucky, back toward home.
A/N: Again a thanks to Ridley for her awesome story "Still Unbroken". I also used the concept of Caleb remembering when he had gotten the deuce card from Williamson Scott's story "Stranded" which gives Caleb's back story. Well I hope you enjoyed this, I'm thinking of writing something about when Caleb got back to the farm and meeting up with Mac again after his amnesia episode, we'll see what happens. Till next time.---Montez