Ye Olde Parody of a Legolas Romance
By: DDR Freak
[A/N- I don't own-- You know I'm really tired of this. If any of you people think that I am actually Tolkien (he's dead, you know), or anybody like that, you need to get your head checked.]
And so the Story begins. Depicted within these ancient scrolls are the years when Mary-Sues thrived in even the most protected of places. Lothlorien, Rivendell, Greenwood the Great, all of them fell before the might of the Mary-Sues. But, despite all, hope remained. But, here, within the grasps of the Story, the Fangirl's word was Law. This is the stuff that nightmares are made of-the stuff that makes even the hardened warriors of the Fellowship shiver on their beds muttering 'Can't sleep, Mary-sues will eat me.' Especially Legolas. (Poor, poor elf.) So let us journey into the heart of these Stories, to its Beginning and End. But, before we do, bear in mind that if ever another like this is written, aside from parody or the such, Tolkien shall come like a mother bear and kill us all. (I'm surprised he hasn't already.) And, without further delay, I bring you--
The Pet Cemetery
[We are sorry for the fault in the title. Those responsible have been sacked.]
The Star of Middle-Earth
'Twas the night before Christmas, when a duck hit the sled. Santa fell out, and fell on his head. [We're sorry for the fault in the story. Those who just sacked those who were just sacked have been sacked.] Once upon a time, in the mallorn woods of Lothlorien, there was an elf more beautiful than any other was. That includes Luthien Tinuviel, whom is conveniently forgotten in this story. Her name was Itelandogineandijalvldnflajelkrmddfmea, but she was called Leia. Leia was the pride and joy of Galadriel, for, although her real parents had orphaned Leia, she was found within Galadriel's realm, and thus she was adopted. Leia grew to be great not only in mind, but in physical beauty and strength. Her eyes were like fire, and her hair sparkled with the brilliance of 123436120347451932467.983493 stars. (You know, a buncha stars are REALLY bright. It really hurts to look at her, because you get a big light right in the face.) Her voice was like mithril bells chiming in a misty morning when the sun had barely risen over the beautiful forest of Lorien on a midsummer morning's eve. (Whoosh! Run-on sentence! Must-catch- breath!) When she sang, all the animals were enthralled by her voice, but that was only because the Story told them to be. (Those baby rabbits got way more cuddles than what was good for them.) She was related to Elrond, who was her brother-in-law. The only elven royal family whom she was not related to (ignoring all those little ones) was the royal family of Mirkwood, otherwise known as Greenwood the Great. But, the author didn't know that. It's Mirkwood. Joy to the world. Anyway, back to the story. Leia had decided to ride out on the little-known brother of Shadowfax, Dbaeoiaebrodfadsfhoelnfdgfaovjladfoiefadsjghabuholenlrhadsofielfduh, but Leia called him Bob. Leia rode Bob far and wide, and in the space of three minutes they reached Mirkwood. Incredible. Inside the forest she rode decently undisturbed, until she came to a place near where Legolas was hunting. Then, she fell off Bob (which is impossible for an elf, and because, since Dbaeoiaebrodfadsfhoelnfdgfaojladfoiefadsjghabuholenlrhadsofielfduh is the brother of Shadowfax, we assume that he has the same abilities as he. Shadowfax won't let you fall off unless you jump. So, Dbaeoiaebrod- whatever wouldn't let you fall, either) and landed on the ground. She was promptly attacked by orcs. Amazing. (That's also impossible, as it is EXTRAORDINARILY unlikely that any orc would get past the guards, and even if a few did, Legolas would've noticed.) Sadly, Legolas came to the rescue.
Legolas came through the brush, in all his incredibly cute graceful elvishness, and shot all the orcs like a good little plot device. Of course, his little show only advanced the plot that was barely there in the first place. "Are you hurt, my lady?" he asked, using those wonderful elven manners. (Ok, so technically the manners aren't necessarily elvish.) "Good sir, where is this? It does not look like Imladris," Leia rhymed, not answering his question in the least. Now, you didn't have to be a genius to figure out that this was Mirkwood. Really. Mirkwood is a big, dark forest with enormous hairy spiders. It's really, really hard to miss. But, of course, our local Mary-Sue was an intellectual dwarf. (A/N- There is no offense to the dwarves intended by this comment.) Legolas, the poor elf, was instantly smitten. It pains all decent Legolas fans and Tolkien admirers to nearly the breaking point. The poor, poor elf didn't stand a chance. Once the Sue started her half-elvish princess routine, she had him wound around her pinky finger. It just works that way. It really sucks, but it works that way. So, Legolas begged her to come with him to his father's palace. She, of course, agreed. Legolas picked her up (even though she was a lot heavier than she looked), and ran off in his wonderfully sexy elvishness to his father's place.
The next chapter will be up approximately whenever I feel like it. Tune in next time for The Star of Middle-Earth, and Ye Olde Parody of a Legolas Romance!
By: DDR Freak
[A/N- I don't own-- You know I'm really tired of this. If any of you people think that I am actually Tolkien (he's dead, you know), or anybody like that, you need to get your head checked.]
And so the Story begins. Depicted within these ancient scrolls are the years when Mary-Sues thrived in even the most protected of places. Lothlorien, Rivendell, Greenwood the Great, all of them fell before the might of the Mary-Sues. But, despite all, hope remained. But, here, within the grasps of the Story, the Fangirl's word was Law. This is the stuff that nightmares are made of-the stuff that makes even the hardened warriors of the Fellowship shiver on their beds muttering 'Can't sleep, Mary-sues will eat me.' Especially Legolas. (Poor, poor elf.) So let us journey into the heart of these Stories, to its Beginning and End. But, before we do, bear in mind that if ever another like this is written, aside from parody or the such, Tolkien shall come like a mother bear and kill us all. (I'm surprised he hasn't already.) And, without further delay, I bring you--
The Pet Cemetery
[We are sorry for the fault in the title. Those responsible have been sacked.]
The Star of Middle-Earth
'Twas the night before Christmas, when a duck hit the sled. Santa fell out, and fell on his head. [We're sorry for the fault in the story. Those who just sacked those who were just sacked have been sacked.] Once upon a time, in the mallorn woods of Lothlorien, there was an elf more beautiful than any other was. That includes Luthien Tinuviel, whom is conveniently forgotten in this story. Her name was Itelandogineandijalvldnflajelkrmddfmea, but she was called Leia. Leia was the pride and joy of Galadriel, for, although her real parents had orphaned Leia, she was found within Galadriel's realm, and thus she was adopted. Leia grew to be great not only in mind, but in physical beauty and strength. Her eyes were like fire, and her hair sparkled with the brilliance of 123436120347451932467.983493 stars. (You know, a buncha stars are REALLY bright. It really hurts to look at her, because you get a big light right in the face.) Her voice was like mithril bells chiming in a misty morning when the sun had barely risen over the beautiful forest of Lorien on a midsummer morning's eve. (Whoosh! Run-on sentence! Must-catch- breath!) When she sang, all the animals were enthralled by her voice, but that was only because the Story told them to be. (Those baby rabbits got way more cuddles than what was good for them.) She was related to Elrond, who was her brother-in-law. The only elven royal family whom she was not related to (ignoring all those little ones) was the royal family of Mirkwood, otherwise known as Greenwood the Great. But, the author didn't know that. It's Mirkwood. Joy to the world. Anyway, back to the story. Leia had decided to ride out on the little-known brother of Shadowfax, Dbaeoiaebrodfadsfhoelnfdgfaovjladfoiefadsjghabuholenlrhadsofielfduh, but Leia called him Bob. Leia rode Bob far and wide, and in the space of three minutes they reached Mirkwood. Incredible. Inside the forest she rode decently undisturbed, until she came to a place near where Legolas was hunting. Then, she fell off Bob (which is impossible for an elf, and because, since Dbaeoiaebrodfadsfhoelnfdgfaojladfoiefadsjghabuholenlrhadsofielfduh is the brother of Shadowfax, we assume that he has the same abilities as he. Shadowfax won't let you fall off unless you jump. So, Dbaeoiaebrod- whatever wouldn't let you fall, either) and landed on the ground. She was promptly attacked by orcs. Amazing. (That's also impossible, as it is EXTRAORDINARILY unlikely that any orc would get past the guards, and even if a few did, Legolas would've noticed.) Sadly, Legolas came to the rescue.
Legolas came through the brush, in all his incredibly cute graceful elvishness, and shot all the orcs like a good little plot device. Of course, his little show only advanced the plot that was barely there in the first place. "Are you hurt, my lady?" he asked, using those wonderful elven manners. (Ok, so technically the manners aren't necessarily elvish.) "Good sir, where is this? It does not look like Imladris," Leia rhymed, not answering his question in the least. Now, you didn't have to be a genius to figure out that this was Mirkwood. Really. Mirkwood is a big, dark forest with enormous hairy spiders. It's really, really hard to miss. But, of course, our local Mary-Sue was an intellectual dwarf. (A/N- There is no offense to the dwarves intended by this comment.) Legolas, the poor elf, was instantly smitten. It pains all decent Legolas fans and Tolkien admirers to nearly the breaking point. The poor, poor elf didn't stand a chance. Once the Sue started her half-elvish princess routine, she had him wound around her pinky finger. It just works that way. It really sucks, but it works that way. So, Legolas begged her to come with him to his father's palace. She, of course, agreed. Legolas picked her up (even though she was a lot heavier than she looked), and ran off in his wonderfully sexy elvishness to his father's place.
The next chapter will be up approximately whenever I feel like it. Tune in next time for The Star of Middle-Earth, and Ye Olde Parody of a Legolas Romance!