Final Fantasy VII and the Mary-Sue Machine

By, Guardian Kiune and CraicRocker

"At last! My beautiful creation is complete! Isn't that so fucking kawaii?!" The lonely teen-age girl said to no one.

"With my mary-sue fanfiction machine complete, I can glomp all the super kawaii bishounen guys I want in every movie game and book and story ever!!!"

At this two students stopped in front of the tower and shuddered.

"Did you just get a chill?" She asked her friend who had noticeably stopped in his tracks.

" You mean that eerie sensation that some horrible, sinister creation was just born into the world?"

"….yeah that. It's creepy enough the college puts the science department in a fucking tower." She said looking up into the strangely darkening sky. "Anyway, lets just go, the roof is the best place to smoke up on campus, if only we can find the keys." They strode into the building as thunder growled menacingly in the distance.

With the loud metal clank of a tack hammer, she had finally tacked the name plate of this wicked device to its side. She stepped back admiring her work when her phone echoes with Vincent Valentine's theme music.

"Like, hello? …OMFGZ really!? A sale at Hot Topic! I'm sooo there!" Thankfully she runs out the door and out of this fic forever…hopefully. The door slams behind her bringing the "mary-sue" portion of the machine's sign down to the floor with a metal clatter.

Meanwhile, somewhere on a gloomy staircase inside the tower…

"Look, don't blame me for your smoker's cough, I was the one who suggested the elevator."

Hack…wheeze…"Fuck" cough, hack "off."

At the top of the stairs, they notice that the laboratory door is unlocked.

"Hm, maybe one of the professors left it open…come on, let's find the keys to the roof before they get back."

While her friend rummages aimlessly through stacks of forgotten homework, she notices an awkward, hulking contraption in one corner of the lab, with a jumble of wires hooking it to a large screen. The whole corner is filled with ominous shadows.

"Fanfiction machine?" Upon closer inspection she found a dial, labeled in some teenage girl's super-flowery handwriting, "Harry Potter." She turned the dial, scanning past various fandoms: "Pirates of the Caribbean…Pokemon… ooh, Final Fantasy VII!"

From across the lab, now up to his waist in paper, he heard his friend's last words:

"I wonder what this big red button does."