Title: Pain
Author: Tracy Winston
Spoilers/Timeframe: Art Attack
Summary: Logan thinks after Art Attack
Feedback: Yes, please do! I'm here at LogansDarkAngel@aol.com
Disclaimer: I do not own the characters and such of Dark Angel; they all belong to James Cameron, FOX, and all those rich people that could sue me if I didn't say this. :)
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All my life as a child, I was teased and picked on by kids at school, and put down by my family, especially my uncle. Things just got too tough. I almost thought of giving in, but then turned to my writing, and how Mom always thought it could bring out the good in anyone. Even those that society looked down upon, they were all capable of feeling *something*, therefore, they could feel emotion. "It may take some time to get to them," she said, "but if you work at it, you can do anything, Logan."
Mom meant everything to me. She was my driving force when I wanted to quit and my guide when I was lost. It tore me apart when she passed on, and took me years to learn how to deal with the pain. From then on, I forced myself to turn a blind eye and deaf ear to anything and everything that could harm my harsh exterior. I always thought that one day I would find the person that I could feel comfortable enough with to bring my barriers down, to let them see behind the mask. I had once thought I had that with Daphne, and was for certain I had it with Val, but was proven wrong in both cases as they left me in even worse condition, off to lick my wounds. Only in a time where my barriers were there toughest did that one person come along. Right away I felt a connection with Max, the strong-willed, independent type. Even though she had a harsher upbringing that I ever did, that anyone ever should, I felt we were similar in some respects, which probably made for why we work so good together. On my way out to say that girl that one tragic day, I had come to the decision that that would be the day. The day that I finally let the barriers down and allow someone to get to know the real me.
How was I to know that that would be the last day I felt anything at all?
Sure, I only lost feeling in my lower half, but that was enough for me to feel at a loss. "I found her!" I said to the Lord, myself, and anyone who'd listen, "But why can't you get me out of this chair? Away from this disability!?"
Of course, the only one that was doing the disabling was me. I'd had to learn how to adjust to the chair, but life would go on. I could still work, and I now had more reason to see Max. Oh, the evil side of my brain had had a party that night. A reason to get closer to mysterious yet magically beautiful woman that came into my window and into my life that one fateful night.
Over the next few months, though, I came to see her more that just a shadowy person, but as a caring, strong, beautiful.. and.. and.. well, Max. Everything to the nth degree. She made me want to get up in the morning, to get on with life, no matter how dismal things seemed. She made me want to leap to my feet, swoop her into my arms and swing us both around the room til either we threw up or she smacked me. Probably the second one, knowing us. But either way, I'd be ecstatic. Max is a wonderful person, and makes me
want to change the world, to send away all the evil and enforce the good, just as long as she's content and at my side. All I had to do was ensure that she'd stay around. As I sat and seriously thought about that, the car I had been in had jolted to a stop, and then the rest went by so quickly.
The day I was shot.
I'd love to say that since then we've gotten so much closer, but with how we both protect ourselves, it makes for interesting situations. Most recently being last night's wedding. No matter how happy I was supposed to be for my cousin, I couldn't help but marvel at how beautiful Max looked in that dress, how I wanted to get up, pull her to me and kiss her in front of all that we near. Despite all the emotions running through me and the thoughts shooting around in my brain, I didn't get the courage to. The fear that she might flinch back, that she'd be insulted then run away to never return would be too much. Too much pain. So I stay at a semi-reasonable friendship stage with her. So that I can hide from the pain. Pain which I had the
courage
to stand up against and do want it is that I really want. To love, to walk, to get my life back. Just like Mom would want me to.
Looking down at her locket in my hand, I can't help but have a pang of emotion pull at my heart. Things like those take time; don't rush it. Take it one step at a time, and things will all work out. Sighing to myself, I decide that I should just go change, take a shower and have breakfast. Maybe have a nap before I get up the urge to call Max and see if she has to time to run by for a game of chess or something. Turning to go to my room, I bang my left shin into the table and let out a yelp. 'Dammit, that hurt!' I pause. 'Wait a minute, I'm paralyzed. How can that hurt?' As a smile starts to peak at my lips, I swing back around and do it again, releasing a louder yelp as it shoots a tingling sensation along the nerves of my right leg. 'I felt it! I can feel my leg!' I smile, situating my legs in my chair, and wheel off to my phone.
The pain is back, and I've never been happier.
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Yeah, I know that I should be working on "Entrapment," but after seeing last night's ep, I just *had* to write! But part three of "Entrapment" will be out soon, most likely over the weekend, so stay tuned and please review!! Thanks! :)