Notes: Have you ever noticed how everyone seems to get obsessed with Heero?
Trowa worships him, Zechs is obsessed with fighting him, Relena is just,
well, obsessed, and everyone else admires him and his suicidal tendencies.
(or maybe it's the spandex they're seeing. Who knows?) The only one who
doesn't grovel at his sneaker clad feet is Duo, or so it seems. Anyway,
that is what this extremely silly and pointless fic is about. The boys
ain't mine, though I wish they were. Enjoy!
Everybody Wants Heero
Heero sat quietly at his desk in the Preventers office, typing up a report on his latest assignment. Just as he was about to finish, the door to his office opened and Relena walked in.
"Heero! I wanted to see you, Heero!" she gushed in her usual fashion.
Without even looking up from his laptop, he replied, "Now you've seen me. You can leave now."
"Do you want to go out to lunch, Heero?" she continued, blithely ignoring his lack of interest in her.
"No."
"Well, then. Do you want to have sex?"
That got his attention. His head jerked up and he stared at her in surprise. "What?"
She unzipped her dress and let it slip from her body, revealing the slinky pink lingerie she was wearing. "We can do it on your desk, if you want to."
"Uh….."
Relena sat on the corner of his desk, leaning seductively towards him. Heero did the only sensible thing he could think of to do at the moment. He ran for his life.
He ran past Duo's office, momentarily wishing the obnoxious American was there to get rid of Relena for him, but he was taking the day off to use up his vacation time. His second choice was Trowa's office, where he immediately ran.
Slamming the door, he leaned against it, panting.
Trowa glanced at him from where he was doing paperwork. "Relena?"
"Hai."
"What did she do this time?"
"Offered to have sex on my desk."
"Ah. How crude." Heero nodded vigorously, then froze after hearing Trowa's next words. "The proper place to do it in the workplace is the boss's desk. So, Heero, why don't we go make Lady Une angry?"
"T-Trowa?"
"Yes?"
"Was that just an offer for sex?"
"Yes."
"Aren't you with Quatre?" Heero couldn't believe he was hearing this. He had been under the impression that Trowa and Quatre were very happy together.
"Well, I suppose. But you should know Heero, nobody is as good as you. I've wanted you ever since your self destruct attempt all that time ago." Trowa stood up and approached Heero. "So? Are you interested?"
"No!" Heero gasped and ran out of Trowa's office as well.
"Look, if you want a threesome, I'm sure Quatre would agree!" Trowa shouted after him.
"Heero, what was Trowa just shouting? Did he say my name?" Quatre asked suddenly, startling Heero. He hadn't realized he was passing the blond at the moment.
"He just said that you would probably agree to a threesome with he, and I," Heero explained calmly.
"Oh. Well, were you interested in having one? Because I would very much enjoy that. You're very sexy, Heero…."
"Eeep!" Heero squeaked, and resumed his nice jog around the building, hoping to find at least one sane person. "Oh Wufei! Thank Shinigami!" he cried in relief, collapsing on the ground at the Chinese boys feet.
"Yuy. I was just looking for you."
"Do I have a mission? Far, far away from here?" he asked hopefully.
"No. You see, I have just come to terms with my sexuality. I do not like onnas, because I am gay. And for my first yaoi experiment, I was hoping I could recruit you."
"ARGH!" Heero screamed and dashed into Sally's room.
Sally was sitting on her desk, completely naked. "You're some kid, Heero Yuy. You stop bombs, save the Earth, and now you come to my office just as I was about to call you. How bout we see if you're as good a fuck as you are a pilot."
"Has the world gone crazy?!" Needless to say, he didn't take Sally up on her offer. He decided the entire office had gone crazy and the safest plan of action would be to run for it. Which he did. He ran down the stairs, out the door and into his car.
"Wait! Heero! Come screw us!" his admirers shouted as they flooded out of the building after him.
"I don't think so," he muttered to himself as he floored the gas, on his way to the only safe place he could think of. Minutes later he was pounding on a familiar door. "Duo! Let me in!"
Duo's slightly slurred voice called back, "Come in."
Not needing another invitation, Heero flew in the door, locking it shut behind him and barricading it. Then he turned around to face his best friend, and wished he hadn't. Since he hadn't gone into work that day, Duo had never gotten dressed. He sat on the couch, in front of the TV, with a bottle of beer and a bowl of ice cream.
Lazily he turned to face Heero. "Hey pal. Aren't you supposed to be at work right about now?"
"I had to leave. They were all hitting on me," he explained.
Duo raised an eyebrow. "Really? Who?"
Heero counted on his fingers. "Relena, Trowa, Quatre, Wufei, and Sally."
"Well, they all do admire you."
Suddenly Heero's cell phone rang. Nervously he answered it. "Hello?"
"Heero? It's Zechs."
"What do you want?"
"Perhaps to fight again. Perhaps to ask you something."
"Ask me what?"
"What are you wearing?"
"HUH?"
"I'm not wearing anything. I'm just lying here on my bed, hoping you will come and take me."
Heero abruptly hung up and threw his phone out the window. Then he turned back to Duo. "Add Zechs to the list."
"He always has had an obsession with you."
"Yeah."
"And you don't want to screw any of them?"
"There's only one person I want, and it's not any of them."
Duo scoffed. "Pal, the only other people you know are me, Noin and Lady Une."
"Exactly."
"Dude! You want to do it with Noin?"
"No."
"Lady Une?"
"No."
"Well, it can't be me."
"Yes it is."
A cutely perplexed look crossed Duo's face. "But we're both guys."
"I know."
"I can't have sex with a guy!"
"Why not?"
"Cause. I'm a guy."
"Tell me Duo, what were you planning to do tonight?"
"Um… get smashed and try to get laid."
"Are you certain you'll get laid."
"No."
"Then why don't you just take me up on my offer, and you will get laid for sure."
Duo thought about this for a moment, then shrugged. "Okay!"
Heero smirked evilly. "Excellent…"
"Heero. Heero! Wake up!"
"Huh?" Heero raised his groggy head off the desk where it had fallen when he had dozed off. Way too many late night missions in a row. "What is it Quatre?"
"I was just wondering if you'd like to join Trowa and I for…"
"NOOOOO!"
"A nice dinner," Quatre finished. "I also invited Duo, Wufei, Sally, Relena and Zechs."
"Oh, um…." Still disconcerted by his recent dream, he stalled.
"You coming pal?" Duo asked, poking his head in the doorway.
"Are you?"
"Hell yeah! Quatre's paying! I'm having steak tonight!"
"I'll go."
"Great!" Quatre beamed. "See ya tonight!"
Later that night, after several bottles of champagne had been passed, Heero relaxed. He relaxed so much in fact, that he began telling everyone about his dream. "And the only one that didn't want me, was the one I wanted!"
"We all wanted to have sex with you?" Zechs asked.
"Yeah."
Relena snorted. "Come now Heero. You know that the only one we all want to have sex with is Wufei."
"I know. That's why it was such a scary dream."
Wufei was still sitting in shock. "You- you all want me?"
Relena, Quatre, Trowa, Sally and Zechs all nodded. Wufei grinned. "Oh yeah, I'm the pimp."
"You know it, Big Papa!" Quatre teased.
Heero sighed. "At least Duo doesn't seem to want him…" he thought sadly.
"Hey Heero," Duo suddenly said, whispering in his ear.
"What?"
"Your dream was slightly inaccurate. You see, they all want Wufei and not you, and I do want you."
"You. do. want. me," Heero echoed vacantly.
"Uh huh," Duo purred, kissing his neck. "What say we get out of here?"
Heero sprinted for the car faster than anyone could see him move, pulling Duo along with him.
Everybody Wants Heero
Heero sat quietly at his desk in the Preventers office, typing up a report on his latest assignment. Just as he was about to finish, the door to his office opened and Relena walked in.
"Heero! I wanted to see you, Heero!" she gushed in her usual fashion.
Without even looking up from his laptop, he replied, "Now you've seen me. You can leave now."
"Do you want to go out to lunch, Heero?" she continued, blithely ignoring his lack of interest in her.
"No."
"Well, then. Do you want to have sex?"
That got his attention. His head jerked up and he stared at her in surprise. "What?"
She unzipped her dress and let it slip from her body, revealing the slinky pink lingerie she was wearing. "We can do it on your desk, if you want to."
"Uh….."
Relena sat on the corner of his desk, leaning seductively towards him. Heero did the only sensible thing he could think of to do at the moment. He ran for his life.
He ran past Duo's office, momentarily wishing the obnoxious American was there to get rid of Relena for him, but he was taking the day off to use up his vacation time. His second choice was Trowa's office, where he immediately ran.
Slamming the door, he leaned against it, panting.
Trowa glanced at him from where he was doing paperwork. "Relena?"
"Hai."
"What did she do this time?"
"Offered to have sex on my desk."
"Ah. How crude." Heero nodded vigorously, then froze after hearing Trowa's next words. "The proper place to do it in the workplace is the boss's desk. So, Heero, why don't we go make Lady Une angry?"
"T-Trowa?"
"Yes?"
"Was that just an offer for sex?"
"Yes."
"Aren't you with Quatre?" Heero couldn't believe he was hearing this. He had been under the impression that Trowa and Quatre were very happy together.
"Well, I suppose. But you should know Heero, nobody is as good as you. I've wanted you ever since your self destruct attempt all that time ago." Trowa stood up and approached Heero. "So? Are you interested?"
"No!" Heero gasped and ran out of Trowa's office as well.
"Look, if you want a threesome, I'm sure Quatre would agree!" Trowa shouted after him.
"Heero, what was Trowa just shouting? Did he say my name?" Quatre asked suddenly, startling Heero. He hadn't realized he was passing the blond at the moment.
"He just said that you would probably agree to a threesome with he, and I," Heero explained calmly.
"Oh. Well, were you interested in having one? Because I would very much enjoy that. You're very sexy, Heero…."
"Eeep!" Heero squeaked, and resumed his nice jog around the building, hoping to find at least one sane person. "Oh Wufei! Thank Shinigami!" he cried in relief, collapsing on the ground at the Chinese boys feet.
"Yuy. I was just looking for you."
"Do I have a mission? Far, far away from here?" he asked hopefully.
"No. You see, I have just come to terms with my sexuality. I do not like onnas, because I am gay. And for my first yaoi experiment, I was hoping I could recruit you."
"ARGH!" Heero screamed and dashed into Sally's room.
Sally was sitting on her desk, completely naked. "You're some kid, Heero Yuy. You stop bombs, save the Earth, and now you come to my office just as I was about to call you. How bout we see if you're as good a fuck as you are a pilot."
"Has the world gone crazy?!" Needless to say, he didn't take Sally up on her offer. He decided the entire office had gone crazy and the safest plan of action would be to run for it. Which he did. He ran down the stairs, out the door and into his car.
"Wait! Heero! Come screw us!" his admirers shouted as they flooded out of the building after him.
"I don't think so," he muttered to himself as he floored the gas, on his way to the only safe place he could think of. Minutes later he was pounding on a familiar door. "Duo! Let me in!"
Duo's slightly slurred voice called back, "Come in."
Not needing another invitation, Heero flew in the door, locking it shut behind him and barricading it. Then he turned around to face his best friend, and wished he hadn't. Since he hadn't gone into work that day, Duo had never gotten dressed. He sat on the couch, in front of the TV, with a bottle of beer and a bowl of ice cream.
Lazily he turned to face Heero. "Hey pal. Aren't you supposed to be at work right about now?"
"I had to leave. They were all hitting on me," he explained.
Duo raised an eyebrow. "Really? Who?"
Heero counted on his fingers. "Relena, Trowa, Quatre, Wufei, and Sally."
"Well, they all do admire you."
Suddenly Heero's cell phone rang. Nervously he answered it. "Hello?"
"Heero? It's Zechs."
"What do you want?"
"Perhaps to fight again. Perhaps to ask you something."
"Ask me what?"
"What are you wearing?"
"HUH?"
"I'm not wearing anything. I'm just lying here on my bed, hoping you will come and take me."
Heero abruptly hung up and threw his phone out the window. Then he turned back to Duo. "Add Zechs to the list."
"He always has had an obsession with you."
"Yeah."
"And you don't want to screw any of them?"
"There's only one person I want, and it's not any of them."
Duo scoffed. "Pal, the only other people you know are me, Noin and Lady Une."
"Exactly."
"Dude! You want to do it with Noin?"
"No."
"Lady Une?"
"No."
"Well, it can't be me."
"Yes it is."
A cutely perplexed look crossed Duo's face. "But we're both guys."
"I know."
"I can't have sex with a guy!"
"Why not?"
"Cause. I'm a guy."
"Tell me Duo, what were you planning to do tonight?"
"Um… get smashed and try to get laid."
"Are you certain you'll get laid."
"No."
"Then why don't you just take me up on my offer, and you will get laid for sure."
Duo thought about this for a moment, then shrugged. "Okay!"
Heero smirked evilly. "Excellent…"
"Heero. Heero! Wake up!"
"Huh?" Heero raised his groggy head off the desk where it had fallen when he had dozed off. Way too many late night missions in a row. "What is it Quatre?"
"I was just wondering if you'd like to join Trowa and I for…"
"NOOOOO!"
"A nice dinner," Quatre finished. "I also invited Duo, Wufei, Sally, Relena and Zechs."
"Oh, um…." Still disconcerted by his recent dream, he stalled.
"You coming pal?" Duo asked, poking his head in the doorway.
"Are you?"
"Hell yeah! Quatre's paying! I'm having steak tonight!"
"I'll go."
"Great!" Quatre beamed. "See ya tonight!"
Later that night, after several bottles of champagne had been passed, Heero relaxed. He relaxed so much in fact, that he began telling everyone about his dream. "And the only one that didn't want me, was the one I wanted!"
"We all wanted to have sex with you?" Zechs asked.
"Yeah."
Relena snorted. "Come now Heero. You know that the only one we all want to have sex with is Wufei."
"I know. That's why it was such a scary dream."
Wufei was still sitting in shock. "You- you all want me?"
Relena, Quatre, Trowa, Sally and Zechs all nodded. Wufei grinned. "Oh yeah, I'm the pimp."
"You know it, Big Papa!" Quatre teased.
Heero sighed. "At least Duo doesn't seem to want him…" he thought sadly.
"Hey Heero," Duo suddenly said, whispering in his ear.
"What?"
"Your dream was slightly inaccurate. You see, they all want Wufei and not you, and I do want you."
"You. do. want. me," Heero echoed vacantly.
"Uh huh," Duo purred, kissing his neck. "What say we get out of here?"
Heero sprinted for the car faster than anyone could see him move, pulling Duo along with him.