I haven't updated in a while. Gah. My bad. Exams are coming up and I need to crack down. So here's a one shot to help :) I'm slowly working on my big piece Moments, Perfection, and Redemption. It's going to be huge. So, that may be coming out in the next few weeks. I'm not sure yet.

Disclaimer: I own a decent singing voice, not Degrassi, or Here We Go Again by Demi Lovato.

Enjoy!

I throw all of your stuff away, then I clear you out of my head.
 I tear you out of my heart, and ignore all of your messages.

Throwing his things in a trash bag, I stormed around the room in a flash. I took a few deep breaths and started thinking of happier things. Not my family falling apart, not my boyfriend and I fighting constantly. Just, something, that could take me away from all of this. Because the cutting never sufficed anymore, all it did was put more scars on my body, and did not relieve the pain in my heart.

I deleted his number from my phone. I threw our pictures under my bed. I needed it out of sight. Out of sight, out of mind. I was strong enough to do this. I would not go crack and go back to him begging on my knees. I was too stubborn for that. Four times we've been together now, and four times we've broken up. This was the last time I did this to myself. No more running back to him.

I tell everyone we are through, because I'm so much better without you,
 But it's just another pretty lie, cause I break down,
 Every time you come around...

I changed my relationship status. Within five minutes, the post was flooded with people asking "What happened?" and "Why?" with fake sympathetic slanted faces of a keystroke, and messages from people I barely talked to saying that they hoped I was okay, and friends I barely knew saying they would yell and scream at him. I didn't need their sympathy, or empathy, or whatever they wanted to give me. Advice, wishful thinking, blessings, I didn't need it! I'm fine alone. I can do this on my own.

The next few days were horrible. Eli avoided me. I wasn't sure if the distance was going to help, or if it was just going to make it harder. I wondered what hurt me more; the physical hurt of the razor, or the emotional hurt of me breaking my own heart. I just couldn't handle the stress anymore. Maybe we were both better off? I wasn't sure. But after everything Eli and I had been through, I really thought we'd make it. Sure we fought, but we always made up. But now, I wasn't sure if this was something we could fix or not like usual, with the "I'm sorry," and a passionate kiss or two. I didn't know what the future held for us, and I wasn't sure if that was a good thing or not to be this naïve.

Walking through the halls, I caught a glimpse of black raven hair. I turned to his direction, only to notice he was already looking at me. His gaze set a fire in its wake, as my cheeks burned, and my eyes started to water. I broke the intense stare, and walked away. The final bell rang, and walking home, I let it all come out, and for the first time in a long time, I cried.

So how do you get here, under my skin?
 I swore that I'd never, let you back in.
 Should have known better, than trying to let you go…

I was frustrated with myself because I let him get to me, and that's exactly what I was trying to prevent from happening. I wanted to be that girl who seemed totally together on the outside; the perfect life, with an even more perfect smile that just radiated happiness. But I let my emotions emerge out of my skin, and it shows in my eyes, and in my laugh, that in fact everything is not okay. Everything was wrong, everything.

You never know what you want.
 And you never say what you mean.
 But I start to go insane, every time that you look at me.

He was so indecisive, and every word had a double meaning. If you didn't listen really close, you never understood what he meant. He was really good at saying something simple and every day, but if you were like me and were able to see behind it, you could tell that there was something off about that simple and every day saying. Like, when he said, "Let's go get coffee," it really meant, "I didn't go to bed last night because of my insomnia." I knew him better than he thought I knew him.

Every time he looked at me, my cheeks flared up in a blush and right when our eyes clashed, he would look away, but I saw him smirking a little, and sometimes even blushing. It was obvious we weren't over each other, but were we willing to fix it all?

You only hear half of what I say.
 And you're always showing up too late.
 And I know that I should say goodbye, but it's no use.
 Can't be with, or without you...

Every word I said, it seemed he was in another world. Sometimes I had to snap my fingers just to get him to pay attention to me. It was as if he was visiting his own personal planet; where black dahlias bloomed all over, and every petal was inscripted with his deep, emotional writing; and clocks that were always set to midnight, showing how long his insomnia-filled nights were; and sometimes it rained, where his tears have fallen in his life, and lightening flashes, where he has his anger bursts; there was a lake so deep, and it showed how much sorrow he was drowning in; how much he had experienced in such a short life; and the sun always shone behind a single cloud, because that one cloud constantly brought him down; and there was a single mirror in the middle of his world, where he would sit and look at himself, wondering what he had become.

I sometimes wondered if I was better off without him and honestly, I wasn't sure of the answer to that, because without him, the razor would have killed me a long time ago. He was the reason that I stopped cutting for a while. I remember he would kiss the scars on my wrist and whisper that he loved me which each kiss. He was my saving grace, Eli. He was everything I could have ever wanted, or ever dreamed of having. But we were so different. I know the old saying goes "Opposites attract," but we took it to a whole new level. Our differences, although tell us apart, balance us out and somehow, we fit together, no matter how different. It's like, two puzzle pieces from two different puzzles that somehow miraculously fit together like they were meant to fit.

More than I'd like to admit, I found myself thinking of Eli a lot more than I had planned throughout this whole break up. We fought before, but it started getting pretty bad lately, and I just couldn't take it anymore. I regretted doing it, but I felt like I needed to be on my own for a while, and breaking up with Eli seemed to be my only escape at the time being; now I see, he is my escape. I went to him when my parents were fighting, and when my mother announced that she was getting married to a family friend. When I wanted to give him my virginity all those months ago, and he told me he had all the time in the world, because he'd wait for me forever, and it was then that I realized, that he was all I needed to make it through. I would be okay, as long as I had him, and it came to me: I love him. It wasn't just puppy love, this time. It was mature, passionate, amazing, long lasting, and real. I actually had something real in my life now. Not the fake smiles I put on for everyone else. I had the real smiles I put on for him, and the real laughs I laughed for him, and the total realness is overwhelming…and so seemingly…tangible.

I woke up one morning to a rose on my front porch. Only one person came to mind. That day, I realized I made a terrible mistake. All day, I thought of all the different apologies I could say, and none at all seemed good enough, but I was hoping he would understand what I was trying to say.

I ran to his house, my breaths coming in puffs in the cool air. Knocking on his door, I suddenly became afraid. The door opened, and it was Eli.

All of a sudden, the words just completely evaporated from me, and I felt panicked. So I did something so impulsive, that I even surprised myself:

I kissed him.

Frantic, wild, clashing lips, once full of tension, but now more with love. He opened his arms and curled his arms around me, right where I belonged. I was hoping he got what I was trying to do, but more, what I was feeling. Hot, wet kisses were the firing cannons. We were arguing with our lips, and tongues, battling to see who would win in our battle of domination. I completely lost myself in Eli, grasping his raven locks between my fingers, pulling softly, as he fanned his long fingers over the small of my back, keeping me plush against his masculine body. I jumped on him, and he caught me. I wrapped my legs around his waist and he pushed me against the wall, now having the ability to hold me against the wall and touch everything his fingers could grasp at that given moment. He was gentle with his touches, and although quick, the fire left in its wake was left burning eternally. I was yearning for his touch while he was gone, and now that he was here, I couldn't get enough of him. This was Eli; My Eli, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Hard as I try, I know I can't quit.
 Something about you, is so addictive.
 We're falling together, you'd think that by now, I'd know.
Cause here we go, go, go again…

Collapsing onto his bed, cuddling, I smiled to myself, as I knew that this was where I needed to be. No matter what I went through, Eli would always be there, and I was thankful for that. We may fight, but we sure as hell have good make-ups. We weren't going to let people get in the way this time as we did all the times before. We were doing this for each other, and to please no one else. Their opinions won't matter. Nothing will matter, except for us, because that's all we need to worry about: ourselves, each other, and our life together, and how we're going to get where we're going to end up. Whether it be in the same bed in Toronto, or the same bed in Tokyo, no matter how many fights we get into, and how many times we break up, wherever he goes, I go.

Again, again, and again, and again,
 And again, and again, and again, and again
 And again….

This was really crappy. To me at least. Bleh. The idea sounded so much better in my head. Review? Make me happy?