Prankcalling The Hokage 101
Summary: 22. I am not allowed to prank call the Hokage with Haruno Sakura's cell phone, even if she deserves it. Also, Akatsuki members are not to become intoxicated. Based off of The True Grammar Nazi's former story 114 Things Deidara Is Not To Do.
Deidara snuck around Konohagakure as midnight approached. Getting past the gate guards had been so easy. They had fallen asleep at their booth.
The blond Akatsuki member desired revenge for the death of his former partner Akasuna no Sasori. He had decided to perform an unpleasant prank on his master's murderer Haruno Sakura in retribution. He spotted Sasori's killer talking on a cell phone. She stood outside of a tan row-house with red trim.
"Tsunade-taichou is out of it thanks to seeing the ghost of Kakuzu in her office. Shizune and I now have to hide her sake again and go find wards to keep spirits out of there."
The Godaime Hokage was nuts thanks to seeing Kakuzu's ghost, was she? The longhaired miser probably knew the blond woman when he was alive from money opportunities before her Hokage appointment. His greed must have made his soul restless. A spark ignited in Deidara's mind.
"Of course she knows who he was! He was apparently a big person in the financial market. Another thing annoying Tsunade-taichou is prank phone calls. You wouldn't believe how many people try it, Ino. Anymore, and she'll be in an asylum."
Of course! He would kill her right now if it wouldn't draw too much attention. But, stealing Sakura's cell phone and prank calling Tsunade to no end would be a great substitute. Those things were new technology. Deidara had not been able to buy one. He couldn't wait to try one out.
There were so many possibilities for non-lethal revenge. The Hokage would think her own apprentice had done the deed. Sakura's reputation would crumble to dust. She would wish that she was dead after the beating her mentor would give her.
Once Sakura had fallen asleep, the terrorist bomber fashioned a medium-sized bird with his clay to retrieve the cell phone. It flew into the pinknette's open bedroom window. It snatched the dark gray device decorated with red cherry blossom decals up without a sound. The cell phone came with a black plug-in charger attached.
Deidara emitted a maniacal laugh. His objective had come so easy! He flew back to the Akatsuki Headquarters in Amegakure. Revenge was going to be sweet.
"Haruno Sakura, you will wish that you never killed Sasori-danna, un."
Tsunade slumped over her wooden desk. The day had been stressful. Why couldn't a genin team catch the daimyo's wife's cat without causing major property damage? It seemed the village brewed with disaster everytime a team was assigned the Tora mission.
Why did Kakuzu have to haunt her after his demise? She had paid him back for certain financial deals just after assuming the Hokage position. She had not known of the Akatsuki's existence as an organization at the time. His constant comparisons of her to her grandfather the Shodaime Hokage were giving her a headache.
Most of all, why couldn't she just go home to the Hokage's mansion for the night? It was after midnight. The only people awake were insomniacs, ninja on the night rotation, and civilian employees on the graveyard shift. Her paperwork would still be there in the morning.
That was why the blonde started chugging her favorite sake. She hoped it would send her to sleep. Even her former student Shizune had gone home. The black-haired woman couldn't prevent her blonde mentor from drinking now.
Tsunade slipped into the world of dreams. She dreamed of beating up a certain pervert. It was about time that Jiraiya received some comeuppance for his peeping. Didn't he realize how uncomfortable many women felt about that? She punched the white-haired man right where it hurt the most.
An annoying beep cut through her fantasy. The busty blonde was jostled awake. She stared at the source of the beeping. She scowled.
Tsunade hated the Konohagakure office phone with a passion. It had been a fixture since the last part of the Sandaime Hokage's first reign. People used it when they lived too far away for messenger birds to be practical.
Most of the calls she received were regarding important subjects like arranging protection for a certain field of rare herbs every year or notification that ninja from another village were passing through her country to arrive at their final destination.
But, a growing number of people now used it to perform pranks. They would not answer her, or if they did, they asked her nonsensical or embarrassing questions. Prank calls had become more popular when cell phones were invented a couple of years ago.
She answered the damn thing that has been many a person's way to annoy the Hokage. She could not afford to ignore it in case it was someone important.
"Hello? Godaime Hokage of Konohagakure's speaking?"
No answer. Tsunade hung up after two minutes.
She dozed off at her desk. The beeping pierced through her dreams just ten minutes later. She tried answering it to avail.
The phone kept her from a restful sleep. No one answered when the phone beeped. A migraine tore at her skull.
After twenty silent calls, she realized that someone was prank calling her. She wondered what bored youth had so much time on their hands. Whoever they were needed to learn proper respect for their elders. After ten more prank calls, she tracked down the phone number. Tsunade frowned.
'Sakura, you will regret this once the sun rises!'
In the morning, Sakura woke in her plush bed with pale pink sheets. Her mentor Tsunade quaked above her. She screamed. The blonde punched her abdomen while yelling something the pink-haired girl could not comprehend. The teenage kunoichi could do little but cry for help. She barely sensed ANBU and medical ninja bursting into her house. She passed out.
At the Akatsuki Headquarters, Deidara laughed his butt off. After stealing Sakura's phone, he crept into the Hokage's office to install a camera so he could watch the events from afar. Kakuzu's wayward spirit directed him in the installation in exchange for some money. He had done the same at Sakura's house for good measure.
Zetsu joined him on a black couch in the Akatsuki Headquarters' living room. The dually-colored man and the young shinobi enjoyed every moment of the busty woman's rage on the Akatsuki's television set. They kicked their feet up on the black coffee table.
"We should have done this years ago," Zetsu observed.
He crunched on some popcorn. It was not traditional food or even the plant ninja's favorite food, but he seemed to find the puffed up snack enjoyable.
"I know," Deidara agreed.
"It's too bad that it took Sasori-danna's death to make it happen, un."
The blond teenage body stared at the cannibal's food of choice. When had the green-haired man started to chow on junk food?
"Hey Zetsu, is that popcorn good?"
The plant man nodded.
"Yes. Just because I usually eat human flesh doesn't mean it's the only thing I like. I'll eat any kind of rare meat. I like popcorn because it's crunchy. I also don't want to anger Pain-sama when he and the others return. Human body parts make a mess."
Oh, right. No other members were around. Zetsu would have otherwise gotten in trouble for eating in the living room instead of the dining room or his bedroom.
Pain and Konan were celebrating their anniversary at a resort town. Itachi and his lover Mitsuki left on a presumed romantic trip. Deidara did not care to know the details.
Tobi was gathering Akatsuki intelligence in Zetsu's place. The mask-wearing ninja claimed that the green-haired man deserved a break for his hard work. Deidara did not think Tobi would have much success. He bumbled all of the time. How could he be Uchiha Madara as listed in the Akatsuki Employee Handbook?
Kisame had traveled to a bar on the edge of Outside Countries. He claimed that a friend of his from after his defection from Kirigakure was going to meet up with him there. He thought his friend had been killed after he stopped sending correspondence around two years ago. He was checking to see if it was the real deal. The sharkman would kill whoever contacted him if he found an impostor.
Zetsu held out his large bowl of popcorn to Deidara. The popcorn was covered in butter and salt. There was no meat on it, however. Thank goodness.
"Here. Have some. It's really good."
The blond teenager nodded. He grabbed a large handful. His hand mouths tried nibbling at his snack.
"No! Leave it alone, un," the former Iwagakure shinobi scolded.
His hand mouths' tongues shrank back. He crunched some popcorn in his mouth.
Deidara observed Tsunade on the television. She was attempting to yank the Hokage office telephone out of its socket. She had finally snapped. Pure gold.
So, why were the blond bomber and Zetsu the only observers? The Akatsuki had plenty of subordinates living at Headquarters. They deserved to witness this. Who cared about the Akatsuki's usual eleven o'clock curfew? Pain and Konan would not be back for a few more days at least.
"Zetsu, I think we should gather the subordinates so they can witness this. Be quick to inform anyone with a grudge against Konohagakure, un."
The dually-skinned ninja nodded. He phased under the living room floor.
The living room grew crowded in fifteen minutes' time. The subordinates piled on red beanbags scattered across the room and on the black carpeted floor. Kakuzu's eldest former underling Fujimoto Norio walked into the cozy room with a large tray of drinks and snacks. He smiled at the screen.
"Now that's what I call a good revenge. Our friends are missing out. Who wants some soda, senbei, jerky, alcohol, and potato chips?"
Most Akatsuki employees stayed in the living room that night. They were happy that one of their own pulled a major prank on one of the major villages. They partied like there was no tomorrow.
Every absent Akatsuki member arrived back at home in four days' time. They stumbled into Headquarters' lobby after eleven PM. Shadows stretched over most of Headquarters. The lights had been shut off everywhere but the living room and kitchen in accordance with Akatsuki curfew regulations.
However, there were several problems. Kisame had brought his presumed dead friend home with him. No one was wearing the Akatsuki uniform. Everyone, guest included, stank of alcohol. It was a miracle they found their way home.
Deidara sighed at the scene. He had just gotten a taste of good vodka. He could not drink legally as he was nineteen years old. The Hidden Countries' legal drinking age was twenty. The Akatsuki mostly obeyed laws when they did not conflict with the organization's goals.
The others had to arrive back home right as tonight's living room party was getting good. He had gotten to witness Tsunade being remanded by a pair of ninja in white medical ninja scrubs in her office when he last viewed the television. The gathered Akatsuki employees needed someone to tend to them by the looks of their stumbling around the dining room.
"Zetsu!" he called out in the direction of the living room.
"We need to begin shutting down the party, un! Leader-sama and the others are back. They look like they had too many."
The plant man rose through the floor. His amber eyes widened at his colleagues' behavior. He palmed his face.
"Damn. A lot of people in the living room are drunk as well. I'll deal with them first. Make sure that Pain-sama and the others don't hurt themselves until I return."
The green-haired man melted into the carpeted lobby floor. Deidara sighed. He hoped keeping his senior comrades under control would be easy.
Konan pointed her middle finger at Kisame. She bellowed at the sharkman.
"Bastard. You stole our drinks!"
The blue-skinned man shook his head. He grinned at the blue-haired woman.
"No, I didn't. We were having such a good time at your anniversary party that the bartender decided to cut you off. I loved your recollection of the time we shared the bed together."
Pain stood next to his blue-haired partner. He giggled without a care in the world.
"That was funny," the Akatsuki leader agreed.
"I remember when Hidan and Deidara terrorized Headquarters while dressed up as mummies. They killed one of my subordinates while shutting off our electricity, but it was so hilarious how they cowed us for hours."
Deidara observed Kisame's friend. He a fellow blue-skinned man dressed in roughed up white clothes with mainly black trim. His pupiless red eyes glanced around his surroundings warily. He floated a few feet off the ground in a way similar to the blond's former mentor the Sandaime Tsuchikage.
Uchiha Itachi had a smile on his face. His pale face was flushed. He held his wife Uchiha Mitsuki tightly around her thin waist. He gently twirled her around. His black kimono with a dark red obi swished as he moved.
Mitsuki mirrored her husband's smile. Her icy blue eyes had slipped into a half-lidded position. She started leading the black-haired teenager into a dance. Her attire consisted of a blue kimono dress, a white longsleeved undershirt, and a pink obi. Frost appeared around her general vicinity.
Deidara tore his blue eyes away from the scene. He resisted the urge to vomit. Seeing Itachi all lovey-dovey was gross!
Zetsu phased up through the floor. His Venus fly trap threatened to close up from embarrassment.
"I took care of the intoxicated subordinates. Everyone else is cleaning up the living room. Who do you think needs escorting to their room first, Deidara?"
The longhaired blond glanced at the gathered drunk Akatsuki members. Mitsuki and Itachi were very focused on each other, but did not exhibit rowdy intoxicated behavior. Konan however had grown belligerent. She threw a chair at Tobi.
The black-haired masked ninja dodged the object by just an inch. He moved to a corner.
"I can't believe I let Rin die," he sobbed.
Pain giggled to himself. He gestured in Zetsu's direction.
"This is one of the silliest plants I've ever seen."
The dually-colored shinobi quirked an eyebrow at the orange-haired man.
"Pain-sama, are you alright? It's us, Zetsu."
The Akatsuki leader laughed. He fell on his back.
"Look, Konan-chan! The plant is talking."
Kisame's friend withdrew into himself. A few tears slid down his face. He spoke in a language Deidara did not understand. His tone sounded regretful.
The longhaired blond pointed at Konan and Pain.
"They should go first, un. Leader-sama can't stand up, and Konan is fighting with everyone in her sight."
Zetsu stared at the Akatsuki leader and his wife. He nodded.
The plant man withdrew some herbs from inside his black Akatsuki cloak with red clouds. He walked outside to the kitchen to fetch something.
He came back a few minutes later with a flask full of wine. He offered it to Konan.
The blue-haired kunoichi tore it right out of the Akatsuki spy's hands. She chugged it down. Her steps grew more unsteady.
The woman's amber eyes fluttered shut. She collapsed into Zetsu's arms. The plant ninja inclined his head in Pain's direction.
"Carry Pain-sama to his room, Deidara. He will pass out before long. Make one of your clay clones to supervise the others."
Deidara stared at the green-haired shinobi like he had grown a second head. He fashioned a clay clone of himself with a sigh.
"Keep an eye on these idiots. Don't let them hurt themselves or others, un," he ordered.
The clay clone nodded. The blond ninja gathered Pain into his arms. The spiky-haired man passed out a moment afterwards. The teenager headed for his leader's bedroom.
Pain's room was mostly done up in shades of dark blue and violet. Shadows encompassed the walls. Their lights had been left off during their absence. A large bed with blue and yellow sheets was pressed against the left wall. It lied low to the ground.
Zetsu laid Konan on the right side of the bed. The blue-haired kunoichi and her partner shared a bed since they were married. Zetsu removed her black high-heeled sandals, but left her white blouse and long blue skirt with red trim at the sides alone.
Deidara understood. Anything else would be heavily inappropriate.
He laid Pain down on the opposite side. The unconscious Akatsuki leader wore a dark violet suit with a white dress shirt and black leather shoes. Deidara slipped the leather shoes off. He quirked an eyebrow at Zetsu.
"Shouldn't we lay out some water and aspirin for them so they don't want to kill everyone when they wake up?"
The plant man nodded. He vanished through the ground.
Deidara slipped the two high-ranked Akatsuki members under the covers. He switched Pain's bedside light to adjustable mode. He may have not been old enough to drink legally, but knew what happened when people woke up the morning after they drank too many. It was not pleasant.
The blond and Zetsu headed back out to the dining room once everything was finished. It was a good thing they did so.
Kisame had removed his black dress pants despite the clay clone's best efforts. He was still wearing his buttoned up dark blue shirt, however. Deidara doubted it would stay like that for long.
Mitsuki held her belly while looking a little green in the face. Itachi was attempting to lead her out of the room. Kisame's friend had collapsed to the ground in a dizzy heap.
Tobi curled up into a ball that rocked back and forth. He sobbed uncontrollably.
"If only I had been stronger… If only Kakashi and I got to her sooner…"
Zetsu made a beeline for the distressed mask-wearing ninja. He scooped Tobi into his arms. He held out the spiky-haired man to Deidara.
"He's your partner. Take care of him."
The longhaired blond nodded. He held his partner close to his chest. He left the dining room just as Mitsuki vomited on Zetsu, Itachi, and Kisame's friend.
Tobi's bedroom was located near Pain and Konan's. The walls had been painted a dark shade of blue with orange trim on the corners. His Western-style bed was draped by a black comforter with swirl patterns in different colors.
Deidara laid the black-haired shinobi on the bed. Tobi did not make a sound. His chest rose and fell more evenly. Deidara removed his black ninja shoes as he had done for Pain. He left the man's black polo shirt and matching pants alone.
The blond stared at his partner's swirly orange mask. It was well-known that unmasking Tobi was a strictly forbidden activity. But, he had gotten very drunk. He could vomit first thing in the morning. Having all of that caught inside of his mask wouldn't be healthy.
Deidara threw caution to the wind. He carefully lifted the drowsy shinobi's mask from his face. He was shocked at what he saw.
Tobi's face looked so young. His eyes were closed. Half of his pale face was covered by stretched out scars that had to come from a life-threatening experience.
This was the famed Madara? Deidara did not dare accuse him of faking. He could be using a jutsu to appear more youthful. Who knew what the Shodaime Hokage did to him in their famed fight?
Deidara laid out some aspirin and a glass of water for Tobi. He maneuvered the Akatsuki founder under the comforter. He dimmed the light as he exited the room. He made his way back to the dining room.
The marble floor was covered in vomit. His clay clone was trying to mop it up. Zetsu rose through the floor at the same time. Only Kisame and his friend remained.
Zetsu glared at Kisame. He shook his head.
"You idiot. Did you forget that Mitsuki is underage, and has several medical conditions that make drinking alcohol inadvisable?"
The sharkman paled. He held one hand behind his head.
"I suppose it slipped my mind? I thought slipping alcohol into everyone's beverages would liven up the party."
The plant man growled. He snarled at the unsteady blue-skinned man.
"Not in this case. Mitsuki will be in a world of hurt in the morning. She will be staying in the medical bay for a while. Consider yourself responsible for any medical bills that result from your hare-brained scheme."
He tossed Kisame over his back. The tall shinobi protested.
Zetsu turned to Deidara.
"Carry Kisame's friend. He will stay with Kisame for the night."
Kisame sputtered.
"Whoa! Vlad and I don't swing that way."
Deidara quirked an eyebrow.
"His name's Vlad? That sounds different from our local names, un."
The sharkman struggled in Zetsu's grasp.
"It sounds different because he's foreign. His full name's Plasmius Vlad. He and I got acquainted on a mission to the Outside Countries I took soon after my defection. Careful with him. He loses control of his powers once he's drunk enough."
Zetsu held the blue-haired man still. He phased through the floor.
Deidara approached Plasmius Vlad with caution. Kisame befriended interesting people. Why couldn't he tell the blond what sort of abilities ran out of control once his friend had too much alcohol in his system?
The blue-skinned man just blinked his eyes as the former Iwagakure ninja approached him. Deidara attempted to pick him up. He quickly ran into a problem.
Vlad literally phased through his grasp! He was not able to touch the older man in any way. His body gave off shocking electricity. It was causing the blue-skinned man distress if his scrunched up eyes were any indication. A black backpack slipped off his back when he became untouchable a second time.
Deidara approached the backpack. He opened it in case there was anything of use to him inside. He found a collection of small booklets in many different languages, including the tongue used in the Hidden Countries. The short blond snatched that copy up.
The booklet was called An Abbreviated Guide to Half-Ghost Biology by Plasmius Vlad. The booklet thankfully had a section called 'Alcohol and Its Effects on a Half-Ghost' listed in the table of contents. Deidara's jaw dropped as he read the entry.
Half-ghosts have low tolerances to alcohol as befitting their vulnerabilities to poisons in general. The same high metabolism that burns through their calories faster absorbs harmful substances such as alcohol at an accelerated rate. The effect is worse on a smaller or underage half-ghost.
Half-ghosts should ideally abstain from alcohol. If social conventions prohibit a total abstinence approach, a half-ghost should limit themselves to around two or three drinks at the most. If a half-ghost is intoxicated, the effects can be dangerous for their own health and for others.
Most half-ghosts wish to keep their natures secret from the wider world. Alcohol would interfere with that by loosening the half-dead person's inhibitions. They may speak of subjects they would normally guard with their lives.
Their ghost powers may grow uncontrollable. An intoxicated half-ghost could randomly fire attacks against their friends without ill intent or phase through floors to an unknown destination. A half-ghost should ideally have a designated friend with them aware about their powers that can smooth over problems should they arise.
If a half-ghost's powers render them intangible (that is, able to phase through any matter) during their period of intoxication, they should be handled using items rendered resistant to ghost powers. Examples include ectoplasmic-resistant ropes and nets, items meant to specifically hold ghosts captive, or specially treated gloves. Their friend should weaken their ghost powers with an appropriate short-term nullifier so no harm is done.
The medical consequences of a half-ghost drinking too much alcohol are severe. The most common dangers are alcohol poisoning, liver disease, heart disease, short-term memory loss, and an increased risk of infection. If a half-ghost has ingested a dangerous amount of alcohol, their stomach may need to be purged of the substance. Water should immediately be available the day after a half-ghost becomes intoxicated.
Deidara's tan face lost all color. That was not good. Was that why Mitsuki had emanated ice earlier?
He peered further into Vlad's bag for any of the mentioned items. He spotted a pair of black gloves with stylized green ghost images on them. The ghost images were surrounded by green circles that had a diagonal line through them.
This has to be it.
The tan blond slipped on the gloves. Vlad no longer phased through his hands. The elder half-ghost shivered in his grasp.
Deidara headed for Kisame's room. The walls were painted a deep ocean blue. The sharkman laid in a wide bed that lied low to the ground. He was covered by a blue blanket patterned with starfish, dolphins, and turtles. Deidara chuckled at the sight.
Zetsu stood next to Kisame's bed. He approached Deidara slowly with a clear bottle of small pink pills in his hand.
"Kisame told us to give these to Vlad before he went to sleep. The pills apparently calm his friend's powers for a few hours so there are no accidents."
The short blond nodded. He tipped Vlad's head up. The blue-skinned man swallowed the pills with some water. His pupiless red eyes slid shut.
Deidara laid the older half-ghost on the bed beside Kisame. He slipped off Vlad's boots. He covered the black-haired man with the blanket.
The blond left the room once glasses of water and aspirin were laid at Kisame's bedside. It was irritating that the Akatsuki house party was over, but he supposed that all fun eventually came to an end. He walked to his room.
Deidara's room was sky blue with yellow trim. A lot of the room sported scorch marks. His blue eyes widened as he saw a bottle of vodka on his desk.
'Deidara, I know you wanted to try alcohol very badly before our colleagues came home. Here is the vodka you had a sip of. Drink it when you know no one will need you the next day. From, Zetsu.'
The tan blond smirked. He placed the vodka in his miniature refrigerator. He cleaned up for bed before deciding to tune into the Hokage Office one last time before he went to sleep.
A pale kunoichi in a violet outfit that looked similar to him was gazing directly at the camera. Her hair and eyes were paler than the Akatsuki bomber, but were the same basic color. Her pale pupiless blue eyes widened in shock.
"Hey! Someone is spying on us with a rigged security camera. I wonder who planted it. Neko, call the ANBU's cyber division!"
Deidara frowned. It looked like his game was up. It was fun while it lasted.
At least no one but Zetsu knew what he had done. A good thing since this was on his forbidden list. The thing was probably longer than his arm by now.
'The Godaime is going to realize eventually what you've done, Deidara.'
Deidara gulped. That sounded like Vlad's voice. He was not as asleep as the young blond had thought. Apparently he was telepathic and could read others' minds even while drunk. Scary.
Deidara wandered around Headquarters the next morning. The corridors were quiet. Akatsuki employees trickled by clutching their heads and randomly muttering colorful words. The lights were kept dim.
Loud yelling drew him towards Kisame's room. It sounded like Vlad. It seemed he could speak the native tongue now that he was sober.
"Kisame, you fool! I did not want alcohol. You know what happens when I become intoxicated. Why did you spike my drink?"
Kisame's voice sounded nervous.
"I forgot, okay? You looked upset at Pain and Konan's party, so I thought you needed a little fun. I've been concerned about you."
Vlad growled.
"A little fun?! You are lucky I'm not vomiting all over you. Speaking of vomiting, I knew that face as soon as I saw her. You gave the child I once desired as my child and apprentice dangerous amounts of alcohol. How do you explain that?"
The blue-haired sharkman made a choking sound. Deidara vacated the hallway. He was not going to watch the fallout of the former Kirigakure ninja's actions. He should probably find some breakfast.
He saw a few Akatsuki medical ninja running past him. One of them was a pale-skinned teenage boy with short blue hair. The other was a young woman with her dark brown hair in a braid and pale lavender eyes lacking pupils. Their eyebrows were furrowed in worry.
Deidara knew who they were. The blue-haired boy was Tamura Kazuki. He was one of Konan's medical ninja students that used the medical bay as a teaching hospital. The medical ninja frowned.
"Kisame dropped the ball this time! Mitsuki-san is pregnant. She's not old enough to drink legally. She has several medical conditions that make drinking alcohol a bad idea like her liver damage. Kisame knew!"
The young woman was Hyūga Harumi. She was a medical ninja subordinate of Itachi. She held a finger to her lips.
"Shh! You know that Mitsuki-sama's pregnancy is not supposed to become public knowledge. It's for her safety! At least Kisame-san will not be getting off the hook. Let's go and help flush her system out. Itachi-sama is very worried about her."
The pair disappeared down the hallway. Deidara paused for a moment.
He himself had a few lovers in Amegakure that were pregnant with his kids right now. He had kept his dalliances a secret in case his enemies tried looking for them. He educated himself about parenting and the pregnancy process through books once his first child was conceived.
Pregnant girls were supposed to abstain from or severely limit their consumption of alcohol. Excessive drinking in pregnancy led to birth defects.
In other words, Kisame was going to land in big trouble for spiking Mitsuki's beverage. Deidara did not like her or Itachi, but there were some things a person never did to another. He headed for the kitchen.
The lights in the kitchen were slightly dimmed. Whoever prepared breakfast this morning had made up a bowl full of assorted fruit, a large heap of scrambled eggs, various fruit juices, a massive bowl of rice, and a tall stack of toast on the counter. Akatsuki employees with bloodshot eyes fought over the food. Norio snatched a banana right out of a bespectacled brunette woman's hands.
Deidara pushed his way through the throng. He grabbed a metal tray, a plate, a plastic cup, and utensils for his food. He piled on as much fruit, scrambled eggs, toast, and rice onto his tray as it could manage. He filled his cup with apple juice. He guessed he might end up busy today with the majority of the Akatsuki's subordinates and main members out of it. He scrambled to the dining room.
The former Iwagakure ninja ate his meal silently. He had a feeling that no one was up for a conversation. Konan entered some time later with a tray of food. She squinted her amber eyes.
"I shouldn't have drunk so much last night."
Deidara nodded at the Akatsuki leader's wife. He kept his voice low in case loud noises set her off.
"No, you shouldn't have, un. You nearly conked Tobi with a chair."
The blue-haired woman stared at him for a moment. Her face paled.
"Oh no. Madara will not forget that. Can you tell me what happened when I got home last night, Deidara?"
The longhaired blond obliged.
"Headquarters was a having a wild party when you guys returned. I was about to grab more food for the party when I saw you guys in the dining room. It was after curfew, un."
It was better to admit to breaking small rules than copping to a nearly suicidal infiltration. The tanned blond continued his account of what happened.
"You were a very violent drunk. You accused Kisame of stealing your alcohol beverages. I had Zetsu shut our party down. It was not a pretty sight, un. Pain-sama was a giggly drunk that found humor in everything. Kisame's friend came home with him. He was a pain in the ass to put to bed, un."
Konan shook her head. She stared at the teenager.
"Oh my gosh. I'm sorry you had to deal with that, Deidara. I will make sure Kisame is punished for bringing his friend here."
The blond's blue eyes hardened.
"You'll be punishing him for more than that, I'm afraid."
He took in a deep breath. Mitsuki was Konan's underling. He needed to inform the blue-haired woman about Mitsuki's unintentional alcohol ingestion.
"Kisame confessed to spiking the drinks of a few people. That includes his friend, Itachi, and Mitsuki, un. Mitsuki vomited in the dining room late last night. The alcohol left her in a bad way. She's now in the medical bay."
Konan's eyes narrowed into slits.
"How did you find out?"
The blond bomber cringed.
"Zetsu took her there last night, and I found two medical ninja discussing her situation while walking to breakfast, un. The two medics were Kazuki and Harumi. They were trying to remain quiet about it. They said that Mitsuki was being flushed out, un."
The blue-haired kunoichi closed her eyes.
"Thank you, Deidara. I will inform Pain about what Kisame has done once he's coherent. Why don't you check on Tobi once you're done eating?"
Deidara nodded. Checking on his partner was the right thing to do. Tobi had not run down from his room calling out the blond's name like he normally did in the morning. He probably drank too much.
"I'll peek on him. I think he'll need some breakfast, un."
The short shinobi bade Konan farewell after finishing his meal. He walked down to Tobi's room with a tray of food hugged to his chest. He knocked on the door.
"Hey, Tobi? It's your partner Deidara. I brought you some breakfast."
The only response to his call was a retching sound. It came from Tobi's bathroom. Deidara entered inside.
Tobi's swirl-patterned comforters were wadded up on the foot of his bed. The glass beside his bed held no water inside. All of the aspirin had vanished. The spiky-haired shinobi continued retching in the bathroom.
Deidara grabbed some mint leaves from the Akatsuki's first aid kit along with cinnamon, honeysuckle, and a loquat. His partner needed his stomach calmed down. If he kept down the herbs, maybe he could eat a few bites of scrambled eggs and some tiny slices of banana at least?
The blond tiptoed into the bathroom. Tobi leaned over a wastebasket next to a toilet. His mask thankfully was not present on his face.
"This is the last time I will drink alcohol," the black-haired ninja growled between periods of emptying his stomach contents.
The time period between each set of vomiting grew. Deidara had his hand mouths chew up some of the herbs. He approached Tobi from behind.
"Tobi, it's Deidara. Would you like some herbs from our first aid kit, un?"
The black-haired man froze. He turned away from the waste basket. He scooped the herb pulp from his partner's hand into his mouth. His pale face regained some color. He grimaced.
"Thank you, Deidara."
Tobi's voice sounder deeper than usual. His partner attributed it to him not putting on his typical childish antics.
Deidara led the black-haired ninja to his bed. The blond laid a wastebasket beside the bed just in case. The two ninja sat on the bed in silence for a while.
Tobi cautiously bit into the scrambled eggs after fifteen minutes. He did not seem to care that they, the toast, and the rice had gone cold. He cleared his throat.
"I feel a little better now. I'm guessing Deidara that this is the first time you have seen me without my mask."
The longhaired blond rapidly bobbed his head. He waited for his partner's explanation.
"I look younger than I actually am because of some modifications done on my body. See these white splotches on my arms? Zetsu and I have been good friends for a long time. He donated some of his cells to me when I received life-threatening injuries from when I first left Konohagakure. The Shodaime Hokage left his mark."
Deidara glanced at the older man's body. There was a lot of white splotching on his right arm. The first leader of Konohagakure had gotten the black-haired man good.
"Will you be staying in here today, un?"
Tobi shut his black eyes. He nodded.
"Yes. I am not feeling well after drinking too much last night. Just come in to bring me lunch and dinner."
The spiky-haired ninja laid back down once he ate some of the scrambled eggs, one piece of toast, and one half of a banana. Deidara placed the rest in the hung-over man's miniature fridge. He walked out of the room.
The next few days trickled by at a snail's pace. Kisame and Vlad had joined Mitsuki and Itachi in the medical bay after their confrontation. It had taken a lot out of them.
Vlad insisted on staying in a hospital room adjacent to Mitsuki and Itachi. Injuries to Kisame's throat had rendered him mute. The other three were adamant that he stay away from them. The blue-skinned man honked like a goose whenever he attempted to speak. His neck now sported a white brace.
Konohagakure's ANBU cyber division managed to trace back the cameras to where they were showing footage, complete with sound. Deidara ended up in an interesting conversation with the kunoichi that looked a lot like him and an ANBU wearing a cat mask in his bedroom.
"Now look, I didn't kill anyone when I visited Konohagakure, un. All I did was steal a cell phone. Your Hokage should have realized her student didn't do it when she found her asleep in her bed in the morning."
The blond crossed his legs across his bed. It sported sunny yellow blankets. The cat-masked ANBU sighed on the television screen.
"And we're very grateful you didn't kill anyone. But, we would like the cell phone back. The sooner that Tsunade-sama can resume her duties, the better."
The former Iwagakure ninja held out the cell phone. It was still in good condition. He had not used it since what had now been dubbed the Drunk Wedding Anniversary Incident. He pouted.
"But, using the cell phone is fun! Do you know how rare these things are, un? I even took a few embarrassing photos of other Akatsuki employees on it."
The images were small, but Deidara had captured the aftermath of the Drunk Wedding Anniversary Incident for all time. He showed the cat-masked ANBU a photo of Itachi bracing against a wall in his hospital room. His black eyes appeared dazed.
The cat-masked ANBU shook her head. She held her hand to the mouth drawn on her mask.
"That is very amusing. But, you need to send it back before Hokage-sama and Sakura-san go on a murder rampage."
Deidara lowered his head.
"Fine," he agreed.
"What should I write for the return address, un?"
The kunoichi that looked like him tapped her fingers on a wooden desk.
"The Hokage's office in Konohagakure, in the country of Hi no Kuni. I have a question to ask. Why do Akatsuki members always wear that garish cloak?"
The blond teenage boy chuckled.
"It's part of our uniform. Bad things happen to those that don't have permission to take it off. We have a reputation to maintain."
The shinobi then remembered who his kunoichi look-a-like was. She was Yamanaka Ino, one of three ninja whose teacher Hidan had killed. He smirked.
"Hey, you're one of the ninja that encountered Hidan and Kakuzu last, right un?"
Ino gasped. Deidara allowed his lips to grow into a true smile.
"The Akatsuki have great intelligence gatherers. Can you pass on a thank you to your smart teammate from the Nara clan for getting rid of them? Hidan was a menace here at home, un. He forced the Akatsuki to make some rules for members that should not have been needed."
He leaned down towards his bedroom drawer. He retrieved a wad of bills from it.
"When the Akatsuki kill someone that wasn't well-liked, they often receive donations from family members and so-called friends. How about we reverse that dynamic, and have me give money to Nara Shikamaru eliminating that pest, un?"
Ino giggled.
"You know, I like that offer. Bring it with Sakura's cell phone, and call it a deal. I'll sucker punch Shikamaru into accepting it somehow."
The former Iwagakure ninja nodded in agreement. Pain's voice suddenly called out in his head.
"All Akatsuki members, associates, and subordinates are to gather for a meeting. It will be held in my office. We will use an expansion seal to accommodate everyone. Arrive within fifteen minutes."
Deidara turned to his two Konohagakure kunoichi acquaintances on the television screen. He sighed.
"The Akatsuki leader just sent everyone a message through a communication jutsu. I have to leave now, un. There's going to be an Akatsuki meeting very soon. I'll be turning this off until later. It was nice chatting with you girls."
The cat-masked ANBU and Ino gave out polite farewells. He turned off his television. He slipped on his black ninja shoes. He walked out the door.
Pain's office was filled to the brim with Akatsuki employees of every rank. They sat in plain wooden chairs. Many still looked a little off from the events of a few days ago. This was the largest Akatsuki meeting Deidara could recall in recent memory.
Pain leaned forward at his desk. He brought his hands together. He sighed.
"We are gathered here today for several reasons. The majority of us broke organization rules when everyone became intoxicated at mine and Konan's wedding anniversary party. A house party was held simultaneously at Headquarters that ended in many of participants breaking regulations. As all of us have broken rules of some kind, there will only be punishment for major offenders."
Kisame paled where he sat. He was not wearing the Akatsuki cloak to better accommodate his neck brace. Itachi, Mitsuki, Vlad, and Itachi's various underlings glared at him.
Pain joined those glaring at the blue-haired sharkman.
"Hoshigaki Kisame, you brought an outside friend of yours into Headquarters. While he is now considered an associate, that charge still stands. You also spiked the drinks of a number of people, including your outside friend, your partner, and your partner's wife. They became intoxicated because of your actions. There is also the matter of you violating public decency by removing your pants in a public part of Headquarters."
Kisame's underlings cringed around him. A pink-haired kunoichi next to him turned her nose up at him. She was Kina Koyone, a high-ranked subordinate of the sharkman's. Deidara assumed that she disapproved of his behavior. She held her hand to her stomach.
Pain continued with his pronouncement.
"Uchiha Itachi and Uchiha Mitsuki's compromised health were placed in jeopardy thanks to you spiking their beverages. You will face fifty lashes for bringing an outsider here. Amegakure's stores will be notified that you are not allowed to purchase alcohol for three months. You will pay for Itachi, Mitsuki, and Plasmius Vlad's medical bills. Your travels to Amegakure will become restricted for a month after you leave the medical bay. Do you understand?"
Kisame's small black eyes narrowed. He tried speaking. All that came out of his mouth was a cracked honk. Zetsu raised an eyebrow at him. Pain shook his head at the sharkman.
"I mean it. Your punishment is set. You're lucky that no one is advocating for your removal or for a prison stay."
The orange-haired man turned in the direction of Konan. He cringed at his wife.
"Konan, our organization knows you would have never done so when sober, but you did nearly hit Madara with a chair when we returned from our wedding anniversary party. You will handle kitchen duty for a week, okay?"
The blue-haired woman nodded. Mitsuki, Kazuki, and other underlings of Konan sighed in relief. Pain continued on.
"Fujimoto Norio, you provided alcohol to minors during the Akatsuki Headquarters' house party. Local stores have been notified not to sell you alcoholic beverages for a month. You will be restricted to Headquarters for a week."
The graying man bowed his head in shame. Other former subordinates of Kakuzu closed around him. A few of them whispered consolations.
Pain continued handing out punishments. A pair of lovers employed by the Akatsuki had performed activities of a sexual nature in the living room. They were banned from love-making in Headquarters for two weeks.
Several Akatsuki employees had disgraced Headquarters' walls with profane graffiti. Much of the graffiti insulted Konohagakure in some form. One of the less offensive messages was 'Konoha sucks for life!'.
Many subordinates had performed questionable activities at the party. Deidara listened to see if his name would be called out. He had been careful since Pain, Konan, Kisame, Itachi, Mitsuki, and Madara arrived home intoxicated. He only drank small sips of the vodka Zetsu gave him. He hoped no one ratted out on him.
Pain finally glanced at the blond bomber once he was finished reading off other offences.
"I would lastly like to thank Deidara and Zetsu for dealing with all of us when we were not in our right minds. I'm sorry if we caused you two any trouble. You will be rewarded for your outstanding behavior."
The longhaired ninja sighed in relief inwardly. His visit to Konohagakure and prank calling plot had not been found out. He wondered how he would be rewarded.
"Both of you will receive one month vacations. You are free to do as you like for the most part, but I do not want to hear of a massive amount of cannibalized bodies being found or large numbers of cities being bombed. Our enemies would take notice fast."
Pain smiled slightly at Deidara.
"And, no trips to the major hidden villages, especially for revenge plots. Deidara, several people told me about your recent visit to Konohagakure while mine and Konan's wedding anniversary party was going on. I know she deserves it, but harming the Godaime Hokage's student in any way attracts negative attention to the Akatsuki. For what it's worth, I thought your revenge on Haruno Sakura was very creative. It upped the organization's morale."
The blond teenager lowered his head. His underlings cheered his name. Kisame playfully slapped him on the back. Tobi scrutinized him in a way that seemed approving. Itachi and Konan shook their heads.
Pain let out a slight chuckle.
"For everyone in the dark, Deidara apparently stole Haruno Sakura's cell phone during a late night visit to Konohagakure. He then rigged security cameras so he and those at home could watch the fallout. He prank called the Godaime Hokage into insanity. The Godaime blamed her student, who ended up hospitalized from her teacher's reaction. Those at Headquarters have been watching it unfold for the last few days."
Deidara swore that Tobi was chuckling. Mitsuki tilted her head, as if she felt conflicted on the topic. Harumi, one of Kisame's subordinates, and one of Itachi's underlings giggled.
"Deidara will not be punished this time, for his actions have benefited us. But, he will be in the future. It is on his forbidden list, after all."
The blond heaved a sigh. At least he was not getting punished. He would see about mailing Sakura's cell phone back to her village once the Akatsuki meeting was over with. If a few embarrassing photos of the Akatsuki were sent back with it, then too bad.
A/N: It's been years since I posted it, but I revamped it. Welcome to Prankcalling The Hokage 101, one of my oldest stories on this site. Let me go over the main points, and changes I made to the story from the original version.
First of all, I excised Azula from Avatar: The Last Air Bender from things. She was only there for a line or two, there would be the huge question of how she traveled into the Hidden Countries, and I wanted this compliant with Whirlpools of Lightning. So, she had to go.
I decided to go with better description, plot, and dialogue to make the story a better read. That upped the original word count by a lot. Sorry about that.
As the years have gone on, it has become obvious that the Hidden Countries have a technological level that while not primitive is dated. Some people get jumpy when things look too modern in a Naruto fanfiction setting. Those iPhones from The Last: Naruto the Movie could not have come out of thin air. I decided to bridge the gap. Remember that they're new tech here.
Tsunade was too sleep-deprived to realize that Sakura's cell phone had been stolen. I imagine that she gave Sakura a deep apology after she learned of the truth of the incident and paid at least a large chunk of her medical bills.
Zetsu mainly eats human flesh, but he could eat other things as well. His least favorite food is listed as petroleum jelly instead of all other foods. That tells me that he eats regular food at least once in a while.
I was feeling a little iffy on including non-Asian food, but some non-native things are eaten in the regular series by different characters. Hinata loves cinnamon buns, Kankuro likes burgers, Chōji goes crazy for potato chips, and Hanabi loves bananas and milk. If they can eat Western food, so can the Akatsuki.
Oh yeah, the Akatsuki broke a lot of rules here. Can you blame Pain for just dealing with the worst offenders? He's probably decided to abstain from alcohol after this.
I did not mean for Mitsuki to become a big part of things, but I realized that she would be pregnant around the time this occurs. While some countries have a more laid-back approach to drinking while pregnant, that would not apply to Mitsuki because of her myriad of medical conditions. I hope that her situation did not take away from the story's overall tone.
In my set of stories, Hidan, Deidara, Kisame, and Itachi all have kids. Deidara has some because he forgot to use protection. This is why despite not liking Mitsuki or Itachi he does not approve of Kisame's actions. Koyone is pregnant with Kisame's kid at this time, and is not happy with his antics.
Vlad has spent much time after his accident studying his half-ghost biology. Maybe he knew somewhere in his heart that another half-ghost lurked out there or would end up created. There are several half-ghosts in the Whirlpools of Lightning timeline in fact, although they number less than a hundred.
Deidara having his hand mouths chew up herbs is actually a reference to my Warriors series fanfiction Ghouls of the Clans. He is one of several others there reincarnated there as a medicine cat. His hand mouths follow him in his rebirth; they help him become a more efficient medicine cat by completing poultices faster. He hides them under long golden tabby fur from the other cats.
So how did you like it?