Author's Note: This is a very deconstructed songfic to Paramore's Decoy.
1 - The First Kiss
Close your eyes and make believe
This is where you want to be
I can tell. He thinks this is all real. He wants it to be real. I remember his words from before. I doubted them. I thought they were lies. I thought he was only trying to save himself. But I can see it in his eyes. And I know. I know, deep in my heart. He wants this.
I feel wretched.
2 - Smiling
Forgetting all the memories
Try to forget love cause love's forgotten me
He has to stop. But I can't tell him to. If I do, we'll both lose. And we've come so far that we just can't. We will win and we will go home.
I feel guilty about what I'm doing to him. I'm leading him on, letting him believe in us. I don't want to hurt him. He is too nice, too pure, too good. He helped me. He saved my life. This is how I repay him. By letting him love me when I know I can't love him back.
No, I saved his life. We're even.
He saved me and my sister and my mother. He gave me hope.
This is how I repay him.
3 - Choke
Well hey, hey baby, it's never too late
Pretty soon you won't remember a thing
I feel tears escape my eyes as they force him away from me. I tell myself it's not him. They replaced him. More tears fall when he starts screaming horrible words at me. My heart breaks as his words from that night come back to me.
"I don't want them to change me."
I am too late. He's forgotten everything. This is not the man I have been waiting for. This is not the man I have been crying for. This is not the man I broke down for. I am too late. He has forgotten everything.
4 - Need to Forget
And I'll be distant, as stars reminiscing
Your heart's been wasted on me
I throw myself into the war to forget him. I always knew it would be better for him if he didn't love me. But he did. And he was changed. He wanted one simple thing and because of me, he lost it.
I always knew I was a waste of his time. I always knew he shouldn't have loved me.
He doesn't anymore. And it breaks my heart all over again.
5 - It Was All For The Games
You've never been so used as I'm using you, abusing you
My little decoy
Don't look so blue, you should've seen right through
I'm using you, my little decoy
He's in pain. It's all my fault. I used him. He didn't know. He knows now.
I tell myself that it was for both of us. We wouldn't have survived if I didn't do what I did. But I know. I know that I could have told him what was going on. But I didn't.
Did I want him to believe me? Did I want him to fall in love with me?
Did I want him?
He's in pain. He won't talk to me. I should apologize. But I know. I know I won't.
6 - Dead and Gone
Live your life inside a dream
I'm not moving. There is no point. She's gone. He's gone. I don't know where he is. They're dead, they're all dead.
I close my eyes and dream. They are there in my dreams. But not how I remembered them. They stare at me, they blame me. I don't blame them. This dream…is a nightmare. I want to scream them to stop. I know I deserve it, so I don't. I killed them. I killed him. I killed her. I wish they had killed me.
7 - You're Back.
Time is changing everything
He's back. He's bringing me back. I want to come back. I don't want to forget. But I want to come back.
He makes me happy. He's here again. And again. And again.
It takes months before I remember how I used to see him and I realize that I never stopped seeing him that way.
He is, and always will be, my hope that no matter how bad things are, there will always be something good.
8 - Engagement
Forgetting all the memories
And I'm forced into you just cause you're into me
I wish I could forget but I can't. They force us together, knowing it's the only way they can keep control. He deserves better. I will not find anyone better. I wish I could be happy about this. I'm not. Of course I'm not.
Choice was the last thing I had. I had the freedom to choose who I would end up with. I had the freedom to choose if I wanted to end up with anybody. I've lost that now.
I wish I could forget. But he doesn't want to.
I could live a thousand lifetimes. I'll never deserve him.
9 - The Reaping
Well hey, hey baby, it's never too late
When I'm gone you won't remember a thing
She never noticed me. I always noticed her. She is strong and fierce and independent. My heart is beating a mile a minute, knowing that finally, we'll have a winner. She will win. She's a survivor. She will come back.
They call my name and I hide a smile. I won't be going home, but she will. I will do everything in my power to make sure she lives. Maybe she'll notice me then.
I hope she doesn't forget me when I'm gone.
10 - Goner
But I can't stay and you know I won't wait
I was gone from the very first day
I look out the window. This is boring. I don't want to be here. I want to be at home, baking cookies with my dad. I want to watch him bake a cake.
The teacher speaks and I have to pay attention. She asks a question. None of us are brave enough to answer, except the little spitfire my father pointed out to me. She looks very pretty in her red dress with her hair in braids.
I watched her walk towards the front of the class, her determined little face set in a small smile. The teacher stood her up on a stool. She opened her mouth to sing.
And I was gone.