(A/N) Okay, I have no idea where this strange idea came from D:
Another weird Kokonoe X Ragna fic, but a comedy this time! I must admit, I am conflicted over whether or not this should be an M or a T... I'll say a T+ :P
For those of you who have read my previous Kokonoe fics, this can be seen in some way as a follow-up. Don't worry if you haven't read them though: All you need to know is that in this fic, Kokonoe and Ragna are in a relationship :D
Anyway, onwards!
WARNING: Awkward dialogue, a naughty word or two, a generally dirty story idea, terrible attempts at comedy, a LOT of sexual connotations, a drunk person and OOC Characters as per usual!
Sitting Pretty
Ragna didn't really know how it had happened, but somehow he'd just managed to sit on something rather sensitive. True, in the end the circumstances leading up to the event mattered little. What did matter was that he was currently in more pain than an old aged leper after being dipped by the ankles into a salty fat fryer.
The twins, the meat and two-veg, the likely lads...
He could hold back the rather girlish squeal he was producing rather easily, but what he couldn't cease were the tears of agony that streamed down his eyes like cascading waterfalls on a lovely morning.
Hopping off the chair he was seated on whilst noting the irony of such a comfy and loyal piece of furniture wounding him in such a manner, he hobbled a metre forward and swung a booted foot at the coffee table of the living room to try and rid himself of the infuriating pain.
If the coffee table could think, it probably would've been rather insulted by this act.
Not just insulted: Damn well enraged!
What did it do? It'd been sitting there quietly, acting as a surface for all sorts of items and luxuries.
It worked its back off for the entire household, and what does it get?
A kick in the leg.
Not just any old leg, his favourite leg.
The round ones, the knackers, the Crown Jewels...
Flopping back down onto the sofa a bit more carefully this time, Ragna gasped for breath as the immediate shock of the injury finally died down. In its wake rose an incessant soreness that dug at him irritably, like the deafening noise of total silence.
Closing his eyes to rest, he awkwardly gave the twins some room by opening his legs hesitantly like a shy prostitute's first day at the brothel. Wiping the tears from his flushed face, he sighed deeply.
How the hell did he manage to sit on his spuds?
He'd never managed to accomplish such a remarkable feat in his lifetime. Yet all of a sudden on a dreary weekend in the autumn, he'd somehow landed right on the poor things and press all of his considerable weight down on them.
They were probably just as bruised as his ego.
Suddenly he felt a lot more nervous about the vulnerability of the boys downstairs, having never really thought about such things before. Surveying the room, he couldn't help but look at everyday items without wincing
Now he understood why Bang was afraid of nutcrackers.
The aching pain started to increase upon these pained thoughts, producing an audible grunt of discomfort from Ragna. He had no other options: He had to get up and find something to soothe them. Shakily pulling himself to his feet on wobbly legs, he slowly hobbled over to the kitchen whilst cupping his wounded chums with his hands to protect them from any unannounced ambushers.
Cautiously allowing one hand to stray from its position and leaving himself exposed to enemy attack, Ragna tugged the plastic handle of the fridge and heaved it open to search for something to help with the agony.
That's a lot of damn milk...
Doing a quick spot check, he concluded on two different options. In one hand he had a large bottle of semi-skimmed milk from the local corner shop, and in the other a firmly sealed can of tuna.
Both belonged to his dearest Kokonoe, and he was certain she wouldn't be very pleased by his use of them. She'd be peeved off enough by him if he ingested them, but how would she react if she walked in to find him pressing a gallon of milk against his cajones?
Of course, Kokonoe.
She'd be back from work soon.
Filled with a new sense of panic, Ragna tossed the tuna into the refrigerator roughly and closed it with his elbow. Doing his best impression of a run, which seemed to resemble a man running with his shoelaces tied together, Ragna set himself down on the comfy sofa once more and placed the bottle right where it needed to be.
Relief.
Sheer ecstasy.
He'd once been one to believe that a nice and loud sneeze was the most pleasurable experience one could have in their life. But now that he'd felt the rapid ridding of an ache upon contact with a freezing bottle of milk imported from god knows where, Ragna had started having second thoughts.
Secretly traumatised by today's events, Ragna lay in silence for a while as the ice cool milk slowly degenerated into a dull, warm liquid.
The soreness came back then.
Oh for Christ's sake.
Gritting his teeth in a mixture of pain and annoyance, his face seemed to resemble that of a man with severe constipation issues. An irritated groan that came a few moments later just went to emphasise that assessment.
He started wondering about the physics behind what had transpired during that fateful moment. If he sat on the innocent duo, what would've happened when he pressed his weight against them? Would they have squished into some sort of oval shape before bouncing back to normal? Would they simply burst into mushy goo at the pressure pushed against them?
He shuddered at the thought, suddenly feeling grateful that he could at least feel something down there.
He also shuddered once again when he heard the distinctive sound of keys jangling in a rusty lock.
Kokonoe had returned.
With nowhere to put the now lukewarm gallon, Ragna thought quickly and slipped it under the coffee table. If the coffee table could feel excited, it would've likely been hiding it under a facade of annoyance and disgust.
"Hmph!" It would probably whine. "It's not like I wanted your attention or anything!"
She struggled with the lock for quite some time before she managed to nudge it open, looking rather surprised when it suddenly gave way and snapped forward. Surveying the room from the porch, she stealthily stepped in with a foreign looking smile.
"Hellooooo Ragna." She purred, stepping inside clumsily before pushing the door close with her back, maintaining eye-contact with the man in question. "I was thinking about you at work today..."
A quick study of her fluttering eyelids, reddened cheeks and slow speech indicated that something was wrong. Ragna had two explanations for her behaviour: She was either drunk, or she was horny. And since she only ever drank when she was horny, it was a safe bet that she was all of the above.
Over their time together, Ragna had noticed that she seemed to go through various phases of heightened arousal. It probably had something to do with her feline lineage, but if one thing was for certain it was that this vicious cycle of hers had claimed many a night for the two.
What would've been a peaceful bastion of silence and slumber in the bedroom would quickly become a lustful session of relentless, ecstatic, constant lovemaking.
Not that he was complaining.
Not at all! He was always up for the occasion where the two lovers could pleasure one another. He enjoyed seeing his dearest smile, her face filled with joy and love. The problem was that with the lads out of commission, he doubted he could take a rough, harsh, lusty exchange with the currently sex crazed Kokonoe.
She slowly stumbled towards him on wobbly legs, her face keeping a confident and content expression as Ragna struggled to come up with a reply.
"W-Were you now? Why was that?" He stuttered, only realising his mistake when the last word came out of his mouth. Kokonoe turned around and sat on the arm of the sofa, her back facing the panicked Ragna. It would've been rather elegant if she didn't hiccup as she got comfortable.
"Mmm..." She giggled, slowly looking back at him whilst struggling to keep her balance. "Your favourite kitty-cat missed you."
Before he could even register it, Kokonoe delicately fell back and landed onto his lap with a light thud, her legs in the air and her feet now bare. She reeled her arms back innocently, looking up at the dumbfounded Ragna. "Mew mew~"
She probably thought the flashing of his teeth was an approving smile, but in actuality it was a grimace of pain from her sudden landing. He had autonomously snapped his arms out to catch her as she landed, and she seemed rather amused by his heroic action.
"I kneeeeew you'd save me, Ragna." She cheered, childishly rocking left and right where she lay. She brought her lightly clenched fist to bear, and pawed at his chest like a cheeky pet kitten. "You wouldn't leave your kitty-cat on her own."
Kokonoe tended to do this whenever she was in the mood, although never to such a degree. She was usually quite embarrassed when she pretended to be more catlike, stressing that she was only doing it "For him". But now she really looked into it, right down to the gentle purrs she produced as she lay patiently for him to reply.
"O-Of course I wouldn't..." He started slowly, trying to think of the right words that wouldn't set her off. Eventually he decided that he simply had no choice, and needed to feed the fire a bit. "How could I ever forget you, Kokonoe?"
"Mew~" She repeated, prodding his nose gently with a slender digit. He had hoped that saying something like that would calm her down, but instead she hauled herself up to a sitting position, her lips inches away from his.
"Kitty-cat doesn't believe you." She pouted, making no attempt to conceal her tongue as it ran along her hungry lips. "I bet you forgot all about me."
"No!" He blurted out, somehow taking the unbelievably obvious bait. "I-I can prove it to you!"
Even pissed off her head, Kokonoe had Ragna wrapped around her finger. Taking up her hands and placing them on his vacant shoulders, she swivelled on his lap until she straddled him powerfully. "Well then." She smiled, closing her eyes. "Show your kitty-cat how much you love her."
To be honest, Ragna was just as thirsty for some loving as Kokonoe was. Her soft and wet lips glistened in the lamp light of the room, trembling gently from a combination of eagerness and nervousness. But he couldn't let it distract him from the sad truth of it all, even if this little situation had managed to smother the soreness he felt in his loins.
"Come on." His mind egged on, like a cheeky father trying to teach their son about how to approach a date. "Just a little one, she wants it and so do you."
He had just begun considering that view when the evermore impatient Kokonoe decided to answer his quandary for him, pressing her lips against him with surprising gentleness considering how intoxicated and driven she was. He could taste her usually sweetness, as well as the more unique flavour of apple that seemed to have dived in to the mix. He didn't notice any strong alcoholic taste, so he assumed that she had been at the Vodka.
She could rarely take a single shot of that stuff.
Kokonoe suddenly pulled back, much to Ragna's disappointment. She then proceeded to peck his nose gently, barely containing a giggle. "Kitty-cat loves you lots!"
Despite her speaking through a drunken haze, Ragna new she meant it from the bottom of her heart. She usually looked uncomfortable when it came to expressing her love for someone, and the bottle seemed to be her only method to get past her shyness.
"A-And Ragna loves kitty-cat lots too..." He smiled, rubbing her back lovingly. "And he'll never stop loving her."
The naturally flushed cheeks of the drunken woman intensified slightly at this comment, her stare finally faltering as she looked down in embarrassment. "Don't say it like that, dummy."
Lazily she rested her head on his shoulder, appearing to have become a tad bit drowsy. Ragna would've preferred to lay her in bed so she could sleep comfortably, but he wasn't exactly in a situation where he could call the shots. They were silent for a few minutes, save for the sniffles and purrs of the lady on Ragna's lap.
"Hey, Ragna." She whispered, a cheeky tone hiding under her drunken voice. Her right hand retreated from his shoulder and slowly slid down his chest.
Is she about to...?
"Mmmm..." She moaned erotically as she reached further and further downwards. Ragna stuttered for a response to deter her advance, but she took his awkward stammering for a signal to keep it up.
She always loved it when he was the weaker one.
Her hand teasingly rubbed against the lads downstairs, who pleaded in agony for him to stop her. He grunted painfully, yet once again she thought this was an approving reaction.
"Does Ragna want to play with his favourite kitty-cat...?" She smiled, rising from his shoulder and leaning closer for another kiss. "Meow...?"
"W-Wait!" He finally blurted out, grabbing her arms and pushing her back gently. She looked confused at his action, yet politely stopped her hand in place over his love spuds.
"What's wrong?" She asked, concerned for him and a tad bit annoyed by the postponing of their lovemaking. Ragna smiled guiltily, closing his eyes to avoid her deep amber irises.
"I'm sorry Kokonoe, but I'm... I'm really tired today, so I don't think I can... Y-You know..." He laughed forcefully, trying to look like he was calm. It failed completely, but she didn't seem to really notice.
She flicked his nose playfully, "Dummy."
Continuing her teasing movements, she spoke slowly and reassuringly. "Your kitty-cat will do all the work for you. Just sit back, relax, and leave everything to me."
She shuffled back and began to lower her head towards his...
Sweet Jesus, no!
He pushed her back forcefully, producing a frightened yelp as she reeled. He growled angrily, partially out of annoyance and partially out of fear. "No, Stop!"
Kokonoe looked heartbroken to say the least, her eyes glistening as they started to water. Rather than her usual pout, she revealed a large frown of disappointment and sadness at his actions. "W-What? Why?"
Ragna stopped for a moment, realising that she still had a firm grip on him. If the boys could speak, they'd probably be begging for him to get them out of her grasp as soon as possible, because if he said something wrong she might get angry, and then?
He'd never wanted to sing Soprano.
"Oh, I get it." She growled, her sadness being replaced by anger. Her grip tightened slightly, much to his discomfort. "It makes sense now."
Ragna pouted in worry, trying to reach out for her with his right hand. As he neared her face she leant back, dodging his caress.
"Stop it." She frowned, almost snarling at him. "Stop pretending."
Pretending?
"Y-You don't love me at all, do you?" She yelled in sudden rage, the effect of the vodka shifting from heightened lust to furious rage. Ragna gasped audibly at this claim, truly shocked by her view.
And then she started crying.
Her watery eyes finally began to release the torrent of tears they'd been desperately holding back. She brought her hands back and rubbed at her cheeks, trying her best to catch the falling droplets. "I bet you h-hate me."
"Shut up."
Ragna wasn't exactly well known for his formality, but he certainly tried his best around people like Kokonoe. His sudden rudeness just went to show how serious this situation was to him, as his arms shot out and pulled her close in an embrace. "You can be a real idiot sometimes, Kokonoe."
She didn't reply, yet she continued sniffling sadly over his shoulder. Her arms sat at her sides, but he could tell that she was tempted to hug him back. She spoke unconvincingly, already doubting her previous assumption "N-No wonder you hate me..."
"Enough with the crap, damn it!" He yelled, tightening his arms around her. His voice cracked as he spoke, his own resolve crumbling for reasons he didn't understand. His sore groin still pleaded for him to rid their pain, but he ignored them completely.
Kokonoe murmured something, yet it was muffled beyond hearing by his shoulder. Her body still trembling, Ragna slowly began to rock back and forth in a way he hoped would comfort her.
Left... Right...
Left... Right...
Her sobs slowly became gentle sniffles as her despair diminished in his arms. She must've been astonished by how quickly and ferociously Ragna had reacted to her fears, his zeal equal to that of a proud warrior charging into battle on horseback.
"I'll never stop loving you Kokonoe." He said warmly, hiding an urge to cry with a chuckle. "Don't forget that."
He continued rocking back and forth to slowly whisk her away into a calm sleep. He doubted it was a very comfortable position, but he knew that she needed him by her side right now. "Uh-huh..." She mumbled softly, her closed eyes begging her to fall asleep.
"K-Kitty-cat will never stop loving Ragna too... Mew..." She whispered drowsily, before finally surrendering to the allure of rest.
As she calmly and quietly slept atop of him, Ragna couldn't help but smile. She rarely confessed such embarrassing things to him, and hearing her speaking in all honest truth that she indeed loved him with her life?
It was the greastest feeling he could ever have.
While the round ones still ached, he decided that he should get some kip as well. Planting an admiring kiss on the forehead of the girl and stroking her wiggling cat ears, he let his head rest against hers and closed his eyes.
X
Kokonoe was quite a heavy sleeper, so Ragna wasn't surprised when he awoke before her the next day. She still lay against him, her expression serene as she snuggled up for warmth. Sparing a glance at a clock on the coffee table, he noticed that it was time for breakfast.
He'd make her something nice.
She deserved that much at least.
The pain in his spuds had seemed to have died down over the night, much to his relief. To be honest, he actually felt a little frisky following the actions of Kokonoe. Perhaps, if she was up for it, they could...?
Shaking his head, he gently prodded her shoulder whilst resisting the urge to kiss her vacant lips. She slowly rose from her slumber, moaning gently as she tried to open her eyes.
"Ugh... What...?" She yawned, confused as to her whereabouts. She squinted painfully, no doubt recovering from the effect of the vodka the night before. She pressed against his chest in confusion, as if feeling around to try and work out where she was. "R-Ragna?"
Teasingly he pushed his lips against hers, gently massaging them before pulling away. She gasped in surprise at this sudden gesture, as Ragna chuckled cheekily. "Yep."
Kokonoe made no effort to move from her position, nor did Ragna. He could see her hiding a smile at his action, and felt like asking her something. "So then Kokonoe, about yesterday..."
She flinched at the mention of the night before, suddenly recalling what she had done. "Y-Yeah...?"
Feeling a bit braver than usual now that he wasn't so pained, he let his hands slither down to her thighs. "You still up for it?"
"A-Ah..." She moaned, embarrassed by his touch. Headstrong against his advances, she grabbed his arms and pulled him away. "I've got work, piss off."
Yep, she's back.
Smiling at the return of his usual lover, he willingly let her go. She reluctantly clambered off of him and got to work with her usual morning routine, slipping away to get ready. Ragna calmly stumbled into the kitchen and fished into the fridge to retrieve what she liked for breakfast.
The milk...
Tip-toeing back to the coffee table, he plucked the bottle from the floor and smuggled it back to where it belonged. He doubted she had noticed it, but his nerves and anxiety still shouted at him as he placed it back home. As he began preparing a small lunch for her, Kokonoe shot into the room and ran for the door.
"Not having breakfast?" Ragna frowned, covering a sloppy yet lovingly made sandwich in foil and tossing it into a lunchbox.
"I'm late." She replied bluntly. To be truthful she wasn't late at all. However, she had the unhealthy habit of arriving at work hours before her required time. It wasn't very good for her health, and he often berated her about working for such long hours.
Whistling like a dog owner, Ragna gestured for her to come over for her packed lunch. Offering her the box, she grudgingly took possession of it with a whispered "Thanks."
"Oh, and Ragna?" She said absentmindedly as she took account of her possessions. Before Ragna could react, she hopped onto her tip-toes and planted a gentle kiss on his lips. She tried to make it more passionate than their last one, but she couldn't keep her footing and had to retreat just when it was getting interesting.
Turning and walking towards the door with a smirk, she left the confused Ragna to try and work out what she was trying to tell him. He didn't seem to understand, even after the time she gave him.
What an idiot.
Her favourite idiot.
"M-Maybe when I get home, we could...?" She faltered in embarrassment as he started understanding what she meant. As he nodded with a grin, she exited with a giggle and closed the door.
As Ragna stood alone, he casually continued to make himself his own breakfast.
Because with all of that settled, he was certainly sitting pretty.
X
(A/N): Wut?
Anyway, hope you enjoyed. I had to take a few breaks when I was writing drunken Kokonoe: I got overdosed in adorableness! xD