This is my first true attempt at a clop-fic and is mainly to help me get through my writers block, but if it does well, I most certainly will work harder on it. Please comment and let me know what you think. The title comes from this quote:

"I'm a terrible lover. I've actually given a woman an anti-climax." (Scott Roeben)

ANTI-CLIMAX
BY THE YOUNG AND FREE DRAGON

How'd you get so big?
How'd you get so strong?
How'd you get so hard?
How'd you get so long?

-Ruiner by Nine Inch Nails

Prologue

Spike awoke from his normal slumber with unease is in his stomach. Something didn't feel right. Perhaps the gems he scarfed down were unsettling his stomach? After all, they sometimes... His thoughts were interrupted by a faint giggling. He was full alert now as he sat up out of bed. The unease grew as he heard the giggling again. Was there an intruder? He got up and noticed that Twilight was not in bed. It was far too late for her to be studying still. Suddenly he heard a moan and his stomach clenched tightly as he dashed for the stairs.
The moan was very familiar. It had to be Twilight. She must be in pain! Some sick twisted creature must have hurt her and was giggling at her pain. He rushed through the house, looking high and low, expecting to see a grisly scene that would haunt him forever. But the moaning and giggling only continued and he found no signs of a struggle. He picked up a fireplace poker to arm himself as he finally found the source; the library itself. Another moan came from inside, much louder and longer, and Spike pushed the door open as he heard it.

"Twilight, I'm here to-..." His voice cut off as his face drained of color.

Another loud moan escaped Twilight's lips as her quill moved erratically, trying to write down what she felt. She was lying on her back, and sitting on her plot was her Owl assistant, who was nibbling on her clitoris with his skilled beak. Spike pulled his head back in and closed the door to no more than a crack.

"What... the... hay..." Spike murmured to himself.

He didn't know much about sex, but he did know that Twilight didn't allow anyone to touch her there, much less put their mouth there... And from the sounds she was making, it seemed a mixture of pain and something else, and her face suggested pleasure of some sort. He looked down and noticed his cock was peering out of his scales. He quickly covered it, but the noises coming from inside the library quickly drew it out too far to be hidden by his small claws. He could only retreat to his room. He felt his stomach twisting and his mouth watering as he did, for reasons unknown to him.

He jumped into bed and covered himself and threw his pillow over his head so he could not hear the sounds coming from downstairs. He no more understood what was going on, than he understood why it was that his stomach was twisting into knots, and his cock had erected itself to full salute. He grit his teeth and tried to listen to the ringing in his ears, or the thudding of his pulse, rather than what went on down below.

[][][]

Spike awoke many hours later to a tent just below his stomach. He stared at it for a moment before beginning to shift over on his side. He planned to go back to sleep because he was too tired to get up and force himself to pee, just to rid himself of the morning wood. But as he turned over, he jumped as he saw Twilight standing inches away, her quill moving furiously over a piece of parchment, and her lips moving silently as she mouthed the words she had written.

She didn't seem to have noticed his shifting, and Spike was curious to know what she was writing. But, he'd never been good at reading lips, and he certainly could see through the paper in the dim light, much less read backwards.

"Twilight," Spike said, "What are you doing?"

The unicorn jumped, frowning at the paper, and scratching out an error she'd made when being frightened. She then looked at him and smiled sheepishly, obviously not meaning to be caught.

"Spike, you startled me," she said.

"I could say the same to you," he said. "What are you taking notes on?"

"Oh... just the... breathing patterns of a sleeping dragon."

"You filled up five pages about me breathing?" He asked curiously, noticing the stack of papers beside her, covered in words.

"I went into great detail."
"I see, where's... Owlowiscious?" Spike asked, his stomach tightening as he spoke of his fellow worker.

"He's... uh... getting me some supplies for my next research experiment."

"Which would be?"

"Spike, could you please fix breakfast?" she said, diverting the conversation.

"It's a little early," he said.

"Please?"
"Alright." He sighed. "But, can you give me a minute alone?"

"Um... sure." She said, levitating her papers and leaving, closing the door behind her.

Spike got out of bed and headed for the bathroom, focusing as much as he could on only waterfalls.

[][][]

Spike glanced around quickly as he heard Twilight open the door to be greeted by Pinkie Pie. The party pony could not have come at a better time. She had distracted Twilight, and the notes from earlier had been left in the open. Now that Twilight was no longer guarding them, Spike slipped up to them quietly, and began reading over them quickly. He was careful not to move them so they didn't look like they had been disturbed, but as he read their contents he had to resist the urge to tear them apart.
Spike found the papers to be containing carefully written notes on his erections. He blushed as read over her thoughts on it. She had written just about everything. Its length, diameter, color, what it resembled even the number and length of veins she saw on it. And suddenly, it became more personal. Twilight seemed to be thinking about how it would feel clutched in her hooves, and the sounds she could make him make.

He blushed deeper feeling his erection return, his brain calling its name. He would admit that there appeared to be several cases when he had had an erection in the night (and on one occasion; a wet dream, which was referenced to other notes), but he was also quite flattered, and of course, turned on. He felt his curiosity overtaking him. He looked down at his shaft, studying it. It seemed so much different in the light of Twilight's scientific and personal mind. She mentioned so many things about it that he didn't understand, but intended to find out. But for now, he wrapped his claws around it and stroked up it very slowly, moving his claws in a specific sort of way Twilight had mentioned.

A tingling wave passed through his organ and he quickly retracted his hand as his member throbbed. It felt good, and he wanted to continued, but he would have to later. He took the notes and decided to hide them somewhere Twilight wouldn't think to look. He could claim he didn't know a thing about them. He got down a book he had never seen her touch; "Sexual Maturity of a Young Pony" and placed the notes inside. He then pretended to be reading and searching for what she had asked him to find as she returned. But horror suddenly overtook him as he turned away as fast as he could, realizing he was still quite erect. But there was no way he could hide this from Twilight, and there was a thought in his head, wondering if she was impressed by what she saw.