Disclaimer: My Little Pony and all it's affiliated characters belong solely to Hasbro. I only own what is mine.

Confound these ponies!

Chapter 1: We come in fucking peace

"You're not in Kansas anymore." -Colonel Miles Quarich

Unknown Location

It is generally agreed by the majority of lifeforms that pain is one of the worse feelings imaginable. By textbook definition, pain is an unpleasant feeling often caused by intense or damaging stimuli, such as stubbing a toe, burning a finger, pouring alcohol onto a wound, taking an arrow in the knee or having a particularly large wooden stick forcefully inserted into your rectum.

In short, pain sucks.

Luckily for Charles Hammond, the 24-year old human male had yet to experience the two latter (yet); not that it helped his case any further for that matter.

With extraordinary willpower, Charles slowly rose onto his legs despite the atrocious pain he was feeling in every fibre of his body. He managed to stay upright for approximately 4.73214 seconds (rounded up) before falling again. He instinctively supported himself on his hands against the hard floor, sending another surge of pain through his body. Charles felt as if he was a nun that had challenged a russian to a drinking contest, the nauseating feeling of being punch drunk spinning his head around. He brought a hand to his face, feeling up a part of his front that was suffering from a dully throbbing ache comparable to a cymbal monkey on crack smashing your head.

Right, he thought. Collect your thoughts. Party at Stanley's. You got drunk. VERY drunk. He struggled to remember the details for a short while before the memories smacked him in the face again. Something about tinfoil hats and conspiracies. Uh... Shit, I hope I don't get humiliated at work tomorrow. Then what? Tripping on the carpet... Smacking my head... Uh... That's right! I smacked my head against the bed frame!

Satisfied for now, the man tried to stand up again, this time successfully keeping himself upright without falling. His dizziness started to disappear, his vision cleared...

Only to discover he wasn't near any bed at the moment. Hell, there wasn't anything in the room he was present in that reminded him of anything familiar. The area was almost pitch black, stone adorning the walls, ceiling and floor, with a dim light emerging from the top of a staircase at one corner. Shaking his head, Charles waited for his eyes to adapt to the darkness before taking a look around him slowly. Last he remembered, Stanley never mentioned he had a cellar...

But then again Stanley never mentioned why he would sell small plastic bags with white stuff in it to the neighborhood children. Or where he went out at night and why he always brought a bat with him "just in case".

Now obviously you, the reader, must have already figured out what was going on with Stanley by now, and I bet you wonder what kind of dumb fuck Charles was for not noticing the obvious flaws with his esteemed colleague. The funny thing is that Charles was actually an intelligent human being; instead, he instead suffered from a rather severe case of naiveté. In short, he was pretty gullible around his friends. That trait was mostly put in parallel with his girlfriend, who quite frankly, if we put it politely, didn't cerebrate an excrement for the poor man, often unlawfully fornicating with other male companions (among others Stanley) behind the unfortunate Mr Hammond's posterior.

What a whore.

But let us not get sidetracked here.

Charles, figuring he didn't really want to waste the rest of his lifetime rotting away in a damp, cold cellar, began climbing up the stairs, his head still hurting from the close encounter of the stupid kind with the bed, and from general confusion. It was pretty obvious he wasn't in prison or that he was kidnapped, but he also knew that he wasn't left at Stanley's or in his own home. A uncomfortable void formed in his gut. What if he had been robbed? Silently cursing for not thinking about that alternative earlier, he stopped in mid-stride and proceeded to desperately search through his pockets, but let out a sigh of relief when he noticed nothing was missing.

Tentatively, he continued his walk up the stone staircase until he finally reached an opening. The air was freaking freezing, so he pulled his coat tighter around him. He froze in mid-stride again, not bothering then to further consider the fucking pun I made. LAUGH, YOU FUCKERS.

Wait, why the hell would I be freezing my genitalia off INSIDE a building?

Charles legendarily slow environmental awareness finally decided to accept the change of scenery, kicking itself for not doing it's job properly and forcing the man to obviously have a look around.

He thought his eyeballs would pop out with a wet splat when he discovered he was in a dark, gloomy castle in the most sordid state of disrepair, with several giant statues of equines seemingly glaring at the poor human for trespassing in the area. As to reinforce the fact, a full moon shone brightly through a hole in the roof, eerily casting it's light onto the already sinister décor.

Charles stood there for a long time, his stunned mind not really comprehending what he was seeing: of all the places he had imagined to wake up in, an ancient, temple-like ruin was not one of them. Somehow, he decided that putting the blame one Stanley was the most appropriate thought right now.

Unbeknownst to everyone, this seemingly insignificant human being, an atom in the sea of stars, a literal fly's shit stain on the face of the omniscient Multiverse, had accomplished something not even the now extinct hyper-advanced race of sentient Mecha-Cthulhu could; safe travel through the very fabric of time and space, literally flipping the bird towards trillions of years of combined scientific prowess; making gods cry out in surprise and chaos deamons cackle maniacally; pissing on the uncountable graves of the victims of conflicts in the name of Faith. And yet, despite knowing that somewhere in the deepest part of his mind he had accomplished something of great importance, this insignificant meat-bag remained as humble as ever, finally daring to speak a word about his titanic accomplishments.

"...The fuck is this shit?"

And somewhere in the Great Beyond, the ghost of Carl Sagan started sobbing uncontrollably.

Ponyville

A few miles away from the turgid piece of decrepit ass shit forest I shall not mention by name because it would ruin the elementz öf surpeihz, a certain pale, light grayish mulberry unicorn piqued her head up from her book in interest.

Twilight Sparkle had studied the equivalent of several libraries on the subject of magic, and knew how to recognize most common and many uncommon traces of the stuff I the environment. So when a gigantic wave of never before felt magic burst out of the CENSORED Forest like a gigantic, almost palpable bubble, she couldn't help but feel both intrigued and slightly worried. Such power reminded her way too much of Nightmare Moon or Discord, but no matter how hard she probed into the source, Twilight never managed to find any malicious intent behind it.

The sound of knocking reached her ears, and she quickly put back her volume into it's corresponding shelf before greeting whoever was intending on visiting. The sight of Rarity greeted her at the door.

"Twilight my dear," the white unicorn began, looking a bit anxious. "Good to see you again."

"Hello Rarity," Twilight responded. "You look a bit fazed." She let her friend step in to her home. The fashionista thanked her curtly, then went down directly to the matters at hand.

"I presume you felt that strange, powerful surge coming from the Everfree Forest, right?" (A/N: FUCK!)

"Yes indeed," her friend responded motioning for her to sit down at the couch. Twilight couldn't help but become worried at Rarity's look. "You seem worried. Anything you want to talk about?" The white unicorn lowered her head in shame.

"Oh Twilight. I do not need to remind you of my terrible behavior when Discord tricked me. I felt like a fool afterwards." Twilight gave her a weak smile.

"I understand. You want some sort of guarantee that it won't happen again. If you want, I could write to Celestia and explain the situation. I'm sure she'll understand."

Rarity's mood shot up to the skies and she flashed Twilight a brilliant smile. "Thank you, my dear. You truly are a good friend."

The purple unicorn called her assistant. "Spike! Could you come down here please?"

There was a cry of surprise from upstairs, then a baby dragon went tumbling down the steps short thereafter. The two mares giggled at Spike's antics before he lifted himself from the floor, still slightly dizzy.

"Ow Twilight, you scared me! I was taking such a nice nap..."

"Poor Spikey-wikey," Rarity added, batting her eyelashes. The little dragon perked up directly at her voice, his stomach fluttering. "You're not hurt, are you?"

"N-no! I'm fine! Eh... Did you need something?"

Twilight rolled her eyes at her adoptive little brother's antics. "Could you please send a letter to princess Celestia? It's quite urgent."

True to his word, Spike produced a parchment and quill from a nearby drawer. Twilight inhaled and began her letter.

"Dear princess Celestia..."

Author's notes:

To my old readers: Wazzup biotches! Long time no see eh? I've finally decided myself to write something, but I guess you didn't really expect it to be a MLP fic. Some of you will probably wonder what on Earth I've been smoking, but hey, I actually enjoyed the show. Well, overall I wanted to try new stuff (among others, a ruder sense of humor. Cock jokes never get old, right?). As you can probably see, I've tried to improve my writing a notch, I've gone through more extensive correcting and I've got a more effective work planning going up! Let's see if I can keep up the routine this time, shall we?

P.S: If you feel trolled, I am eternally sorry.

To new readers: Hello to you and welcome to my first MLP fanfic! Most of the reviewers on my older stories know that I was forced to put my first stories on hiatus because of a complete imagination dry-up, so here I am after several months again writing this fic! I've only so far wrote videogame fics for Halo and Mass Effect, so it will be interesting to see where this will go!

Hope you enjoy!