Love or Something Like It
Disclaimer: I don't own Queer as Folk and I'm not profiting from this little fic. I just wanted to play with the characters for a while. Also I do realize that this name borders on copyright infringement but that's too bad because it doesn't since I'm not being paid. Haha.
Sometimes you have moments where you question everything, anything. Maybe its lyrics of a song or some stupid movie you catch flipping channels or rent on a rainy day. Whatever it is that makes those lightning bolt questions crack through your mind had to have some kind of impact on you, right?
I sat there on the couch in Brian's loft blasting the sounds of Punk music through my headphones that seemed to convey all my emotions of anger and confusion that seem to plague my post teenage brain as much as they did back in my days at St. James Academy. In any case, not only is it one band but most of them that sooth and sing to the depths of my pained angst filled soul.
So I have my music here to open my feelings about whatever. Anger, sadness, pain, whatever I'm feeling somehow seems to come out in the music. For every emotion there seems to be song. It even brings some understanding to my fucked up relationship with Brian. Some of it reminds me of feeling I've felt when with Brian. I've convinced myself its love. or something like it.
Or something like it. See, things aren't really as bad with Brian as everyone makes them out to be. I mean, sure you see him and the way he acts in public and god you have to wonder why I stick around. But it's all an act. He has this persona about him that he has to present when he's out and about. Brian Kinney doesn't give a shit. Brian Kinney with no regrets and no apologies. Brian Kinney, the ultimate catch, you're lucky to have me. And so on and so on. Now, he'd probably kill me if he knew I was saying this, but Brian Kinney isn't everything the legend says.
If you want me to wait I will wait for you
If you tell me stay I will stay right through If you don't want to say anything at all I'm happy wondering.
Since I was a young man I never was a fun man I never had a plan and no security But ever since I met you I never could forget you I only wanna get you right here next to me Cuz everybody needs someone that they can trust and You're somebody that I found just in time.
So maybe I am happy wondering. Maybe the problem isn't him its me? I mean, I'm lucky to have him right? See, he's exactly that and more. He's someone I can trust, someone who will tell me exactly how it is, regardless of whether or not it hurts my feelings. Sometimes the truth hurts you know. I mean, I've never had a reason not to trust him and he's been there for me when I needed him. I mean he took me in when no one else wanted me. He's gone out of his way for me. He's sacrificed his job for me.
He doesn't know that I know, but I am completely aware of how short of a thread Brian's job was hanging by after I got bashed. I knew that him being there, involved with me was a dangerous thing for his position. Fortunately he kept his job. Had he lost it. well I don't even want to think about that out come. Kind of like how he doesn't want to think about the outcome had he not been there when I needed him.
I know he loves me. I know he won't admit it. Maybe he will in time. Just like everyone else, Brian Kinney needs to be able to adjust to things he isn't exactly used to. I think as a lover I need to be more understanding because for all I know he's never loved anyone the way I love him. Maybe I'm the first? Maybe I'm not. Either way. he needs to have his time. Maybe he just hasn't realized it yet. Or come to terms with it. Maybe he has yet to realize that that feeling deep inside his soul, that warmth in his heart is love. Love, or something like it.
Now my life is changing
Its always rearranging Its always getting stranger then I thought It ever could Ever since I met you I wanna be around you I wanna get it down to the point That I need you
It's true. I need him. Maybe I won't let him know that with words but I think he can see it in my actions. I'd be completely lost without him. I'm head over heels. Whether or not he ever returns that affection or if he continues to ignore it as usual and wince when someone calls me his "boyfriend", I will always feel the same. Even if immediately after writing this sentence I am whisked away by a night in shining armor promising to be everything Brian never was. I will always be in love with him. I will always have those undeniable feelings for him. He was my first love. He may be my last love. But I will have no other love like Brian Kinney in my years left on this earth, in America, in Pennsylvania and in the Pitts. I will always be in love with Brian Kinney. I want to go to the rooftop and shout it out to all the breeders in this glorious city, shout it at the top of my lungs, hear it ring out through the night in my pitches and my tones:
"I am in love with Brian Kinney!"
I am in love. or something like it.
* Lyrics belong to Good Charlotte
Disclaimer: I don't own Queer as Folk and I'm not profiting from this little fic. I just wanted to play with the characters for a while. Also I do realize that this name borders on copyright infringement but that's too bad because it doesn't since I'm not being paid. Haha.
Sometimes you have moments where you question everything, anything. Maybe its lyrics of a song or some stupid movie you catch flipping channels or rent on a rainy day. Whatever it is that makes those lightning bolt questions crack through your mind had to have some kind of impact on you, right?
I sat there on the couch in Brian's loft blasting the sounds of Punk music through my headphones that seemed to convey all my emotions of anger and confusion that seem to plague my post teenage brain as much as they did back in my days at St. James Academy. In any case, not only is it one band but most of them that sooth and sing to the depths of my pained angst filled soul.
So I have my music here to open my feelings about whatever. Anger, sadness, pain, whatever I'm feeling somehow seems to come out in the music. For every emotion there seems to be song. It even brings some understanding to my fucked up relationship with Brian. Some of it reminds me of feeling I've felt when with Brian. I've convinced myself its love. or something like it.
Or something like it. See, things aren't really as bad with Brian as everyone makes them out to be. I mean, sure you see him and the way he acts in public and god you have to wonder why I stick around. But it's all an act. He has this persona about him that he has to present when he's out and about. Brian Kinney doesn't give a shit. Brian Kinney with no regrets and no apologies. Brian Kinney, the ultimate catch, you're lucky to have me. And so on and so on. Now, he'd probably kill me if he knew I was saying this, but Brian Kinney isn't everything the legend says.
If you want me to wait I will wait for you
If you tell me stay I will stay right through If you don't want to say anything at all I'm happy wondering.
Since I was a young man I never was a fun man I never had a plan and no security But ever since I met you I never could forget you I only wanna get you right here next to me Cuz everybody needs someone that they can trust and You're somebody that I found just in time.
So maybe I am happy wondering. Maybe the problem isn't him its me? I mean, I'm lucky to have him right? See, he's exactly that and more. He's someone I can trust, someone who will tell me exactly how it is, regardless of whether or not it hurts my feelings. Sometimes the truth hurts you know. I mean, I've never had a reason not to trust him and he's been there for me when I needed him. I mean he took me in when no one else wanted me. He's gone out of his way for me. He's sacrificed his job for me.
He doesn't know that I know, but I am completely aware of how short of a thread Brian's job was hanging by after I got bashed. I knew that him being there, involved with me was a dangerous thing for his position. Fortunately he kept his job. Had he lost it. well I don't even want to think about that out come. Kind of like how he doesn't want to think about the outcome had he not been there when I needed him.
I know he loves me. I know he won't admit it. Maybe he will in time. Just like everyone else, Brian Kinney needs to be able to adjust to things he isn't exactly used to. I think as a lover I need to be more understanding because for all I know he's never loved anyone the way I love him. Maybe I'm the first? Maybe I'm not. Either way. he needs to have his time. Maybe he just hasn't realized it yet. Or come to terms with it. Maybe he has yet to realize that that feeling deep inside his soul, that warmth in his heart is love. Love, or something like it.
Now my life is changing
Its always rearranging Its always getting stranger then I thought It ever could Ever since I met you I wanna be around you I wanna get it down to the point That I need you
It's true. I need him. Maybe I won't let him know that with words but I think he can see it in my actions. I'd be completely lost without him. I'm head over heels. Whether or not he ever returns that affection or if he continues to ignore it as usual and wince when someone calls me his "boyfriend", I will always feel the same. Even if immediately after writing this sentence I am whisked away by a night in shining armor promising to be everything Brian never was. I will always be in love with him. I will always have those undeniable feelings for him. He was my first love. He may be my last love. But I will have no other love like Brian Kinney in my years left on this earth, in America, in Pennsylvania and in the Pitts. I will always be in love with Brian Kinney. I want to go to the rooftop and shout it out to all the breeders in this glorious city, shout it at the top of my lungs, hear it ring out through the night in my pitches and my tones:
"I am in love with Brian Kinney!"
I am in love. or something like it.
* Lyrics belong to Good Charlotte