A/N: No idea why I wrote this. Distraction, I guess. Anyway. This is set the night Hanssen left Holby, and it's sort of him looking back and forward on the situation and those who have created it.
And the song is "The Parting Glass" as many of you may know it, but in Scotland, where I'm from, we usually call it "Good Night and Joy Be With You All." It's an old Irish/Scottish folk song I grew up with, and I was reminded of it when it came on my phone sung by Ed Sheeran.
Sarah x
Of all the money e'er I had,
I spent it in good company.
And all the harm that e'er I've done,
Alas, it was to none but me.
And all I've done for want of wit
To mem'ry now I can't recall
So fill to me the parting glass
Good night and joy be with you all.
Just as he turns away, walking away from all he has built, he remembers the good he's done. He's brought order to a chaotic mess, fixed a broken hospital and could do nothing but try and repair the mess this most recent fiasco has created upon his most cherished dwelling.
All the money spent and saved, all the jobs created and lost, all the careers that flourished and died, are his doing. He is proud of the way he has turned this place around. He arrived at a time of massive grief and upheaval, battled to make wards efficient and staff accept changes that had to be made.
After everything, after all the ordeals, he is the one who pays in the end. He is the one who stands before the Board to explain how messes are to be cleared and how wrongs are to be righted. He is the one who takes the strain on his shoulders, never knowing if he will actually stand under the weight as it grows heavier every time.
He can't even remember when he last thought of himself; he always thinks of work first. Others' careers come before his. He ensures wards run smoothly and surgery is completed before he will rest. All he remembers is that he managed to clean up the many disasters Michael Spence has left in his wake, and that he has lost his best friend and mentee. But most importantly, he remembers that this political warzone - created by the scheming over-efficiency of Serena Campbell and the ever-disastrous disobedience of Michael Spence - is one he can no longer fight in.
He's been put through more than the others understand. They know nothing of the injury he sustained confronting a distraught son in the back of a van. They know nothing of the heartache he suffered as he lost Sahira Shah. They know nothing the courage and consequences of his speaking up on camera.
So this is where he must leave, and this is where he must hand the reigns to someone else so he can deal with more pressing matters. This is where he bids them goodbye and good luck.
Oh, all the comrades e'er I had,
They're sorry for my going away,
And all the sweethearts e'er I had,
They'd wish me one more day to stay,
But since it falls unto my lot,
That I should rise and you should not,
I gently rise and softly call,
Good night and joy be with you all.
He has his allies and those who know the truth, and he does not doubt, as he turns the engine over for a moment, that he will be missed. They may say he is harsh, but there will always be someone more brutal. They will find that his leadership, though he admits it may occasionally be flawed, is always powered by the right reasons and honourable principles. They will find that he isn't as awful as they once perceived him to be.
In particular, he sees Jac Naylor, Ric Griffin, Michael Spence, Elliot Hope and Serena Campbell - the consultants of the hospital - running into problems with yet another change in leadership and direction. They will be wishing that he'd stayed just a day longer, thinking he would have sorted everything out. But they are wrong. Contrary to popular belief, he is not infallible.
They will come to realise he is more understanding than they ever gave him credit for. Whoever succeeds him will have to convince the whole hospital of their capability because, even if not so much recently, they all came to believe in him. He just hopes that his job will not fall into the hands of some money-obsessed or power-hungry idiot. Or Serena Campbell. That would not be a wise decision if the Board were to appoint her as CEO.
They may be wishing for him to come back, but he has things he must face and paths he must follow, and they can't follow him there. Most of them will not understand when he returns - he fully intends to return - and he doesn't expect them to.
All he knows is that there are places and times for certain matters to be addressed, and this is not the time to face the situation he is leaving in that building behind him. He leaves behind him the shattered remains of his reputation for the mistake of saying what he believes where others will not. For apologising against the better judgement of others. For taking responsibility regardless of the report that absolved Michael Spence, Ric Griffin, Serena Campbell, Chrissie Williams, Eddi McKee, George Binns and himself of any wrongdoing - as individuals, anyway.
For now he must leave them to fight for themselves, to try and bring themselves out of this mess. He has done only one thing intentionally before he leaves. He has assigned Serena Campbell to AAU, where she will be uncomfortable but may hopefully learn the lessons both she and Michael Spence need to be taught. And he must wish them luck with that; they'll need it if they intend on refraining from killing each other.
A man may drink and not be drunk,
A man may fight and not be slain,
A man may court a pretty girl,
And perhaps be welcomed back again.
But since it has so ordered been
By a time to rise and a time to fall
Come fill to me the parting glass,
Good night and joy be with you all.
He drives off out of the car park, and thinks of the lack of clarity. He is not wrong but he is not right. Right and wrong are not clear-cut anymore. He had been wrong to allow Serena Campbell's makeshift scheme and George Binns' ambition to take over Keller and AAU, but he had been right to apologise for the consequence. Of that he is infinitely sure. He is not wrong or right. He is imperfect, and he knows that very well.
He has fought and he has survived, for now. He has stood up and made himself be counted, to let the world hear how he disagrees with the direction medicine is turning.
He is leaving for his own reasons, and not because he doesn't want to face those above him. If anything, had he not been called away, he would have stood and taken whatever they chose to throw at him. But he hopes he will be taken back graciously into the hospital when he returns. Maybe, depending on who is appointed his job, they will be wishing for him to return. Part of him hopes that is the case; at least then everything he has done will mean something is everyone else sees his struggle between what is right and what is easy.
The fact of the matter, at the moment, is that he has somewhere else he needs to be and other people who need him. At the same time, he has fallen from that high horse he's been sat on and yet risen above the follow-the-politicians mindset within his workplace. If anything, the rise has caused the fall and the fall has caused the rise; a circle has no beginning or end, as he has recently come to realise.
He sits at the traffic lights at the roundabout, and silently wishes them - even the ones who helped land him in this mess - all the luck and happiness they can find. They'll need luck, and they'll need the happiness to keep them sane. His task of running a hospital fairly is not as easy as many seem to think, and the day they see that will be the day they understand the impossibility of his situation.
Good night and joy be with you all.
So it is with a smile that he drives away and bids them, "Good night and joy be with you all."
Hope this is OK!
Please leave a review and tell me what you think!
Sarah x