A/N
So, this is probably the worst thing ever written, even for me.
My friend (Hetalia-Freaks-INC) and I have been planning to give each other history lessons, via deviantART, for a while, since, I'm from the states and she's from Canada. Well, uhm, we were going to make an actual historical thing, and ended up with this. I'm sorry, I really am. There'll be more of these. Like, we'll make another one tonight. xD

I apologize if this is confusing for a great deal of the first part. Like I said, this was over deviantART chat, and we were replying to each other's posts, and sometimes they were in a jumbled order. If it's really that big of a hassle, I'll edit it around. Also, I'm keeping the usernames in for now. When I'm less exhausted from gym, I'll take them out. (Edit: FIX'D. You're welcome. :3)

HETALIA CRACK EPISODE ONE
Starring: Hetalia-Freaks-INC as America, Prussia, Russia, and Belarus
And me as England, Canada, and Poland
Episode one Part one: Anyone there?

in England's house a telephone rings

England: "Bollocks...Who is calling me at bloody eight in the morning?!"
England: "Ello, what do you want?"
America :"Iggy! Iggy!"
America: "There's some weird guy in my house!"
England: -slides palm across face- "America, do you even know what time it is? ...Wait, what?" It's too early for this...
England: "Who's in your house? DON'T YOU LOCK YOUR BLOODY DOORS?!"
America:"I don't know who it is! And a hero doesn't need to lock his doors!"
England: "'Hero' or not, don't you know what your crime rate is? It's bloody terrible, you know, and getting worse with your declining economy... -sighs- Regardless, what does the man look like? If you haven't been mugged yet, I can guess he's not there to harm you."
America: "..he kind of looks like me..." 030
England: "America... I think you're just looking in a mirror."
Canada: "I-I'M CA-NA-DA. YOUR BROTHER, REMEMBER?!"
America: "It's not a mirror! I SWEAR! I do it once and you hold it against me forever"
America:"....who?"
Prussia: "Mathew you weren't at your house and I wanted pancakes! I knew you'd be here! I'm just that awesome"
England: "Maybe I wouldn't, if it hadn't been an incident just a few years ago!"
Canada: "G-Gilbert! H-How did you know I was going to be here? I just d-decided to visit yesterday."
America: "aww Iggy come on. It was ONCE!"
Prussia: "cause I'm awesome that's how"
England: "Alright, alri- Wait...Is that Prussia in the background? -mutters to self- Bloody hell, so much for sleeping."
Canada: "R-Right... I guess I-I'll make pancakes, then.. Alfred, can I u-use your kitchen?"
America: "Yeah it is? wonder why he's here..."
Prussia: "YES! Mathew those things are SO FUCKING AWESOME!"
England: "It's people like Gilbert that are the reason you should lock your doors, Alfred."
Canada: "-waits- Oh, of course. America won't a-answer me. I'll just use it..."
England's doorbell rings
England: -sighs- "Why England? Why must everyone annoy the bloody hell out of England? I swear if it's that damn frog, he's getting shot."
Poland: "LIKE, ENGLAND~! I know you're like, totally a boring old man, but I was like in London, and we should like, totally---"
England: "NOT. TODAY." -slams door-
America: "But why? Prussia is my friend, why would I want him to not be able to get in my house"
Prussia: "I can't wait go cook them now! Ore-sama is hungry"
someone knocks on America's door
America: "Oh a visitor~"
England: "Because Prussia is a bloody bad influ-- Oh, whatever I don't care anymore..."
Canada: "A-Alright... -walks off to the kitchen-"
Kumajiro: "Who...?"
Russia: "Hello America~ I was looking for my wives I thought they might be here, oh there they are"
Canada: "The guy that FEEDS you..."
Prussia: "Oh shit! Mathew hurry, Ore-sama needs to eat and run!"
America: "Wives?"
Canada: "W-Wha-- -hides behind corner- G-GILBERT, I CAN'T MAKE THEM THAT FAST!"
Russia: "Yes my wives~"
Prussia: "Matti grab whatever you got done and RUN!"
Russia: "Aww don't run from your husband Gilbo~"
Canada: -looks around frantically & grabs the pitcher of pancake mix-
England: "IS THAT RUSSIA?! CORRECTION, ALFRED, THAT IS WHY YOU LOCK YOUR DOORS."
Prussia: "OH GOD! DON'T COME NEAR ME! I DON'T WANT TO BE KIDNAPPED!"
Russia: "Kidnap you? I just want to take my wives home"
Prussia: "OH GOD MATTI HELP ORE-SAMA!"
Russia: "Awww~ come here Gilbo~" Russia runs over to Prussia and grabs him
Canada: "Oh h-he won't care.." -throws pancake mix- "G-GILBERT!" -clings to Prussia's back-
England: "Alfred... What the bloody hell is going on?!"
America: "Uhh Russia is here and he has Prussia and the guy I told you about is clinging to his back"
Prussia: "OH GOD! ALFRED DON'T JUST STANED THERE! HELP ORE-SAMA!"
Russia: "Oh look~ I have both of my wives~ let's go home da~"
England: "Why today...? Alfred, don't get involved. I'm coming over there. Bloody hell..." -pulls on coat-
Canada: "S-Shit.. R-RUN GILBERT!"
Prussia: "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! HELP ALFRED HELP!"
Russia: grabs Canada and Prussia and heads for the door
Canada: "A-Alfred! D-DO SOMETHING!"
America: "Oh wait Russia stay awhile Iggy's coming over and you left some vodka in my fringed"
Russia: "Oh vodka you say? Maybe I'll stay a little bit longer da~"
Prussia: "Thank god! I get to live a little bit longer!"
America: "Oh I'll go get it"
Poland: "Oh, like, hey England. I knew you'd like, come back out. So there's like, this fashion show going on right now, and like, Liet couldn't like, make it---"
England: "Not now, Feliks. I've got to go help Alfred with this bloody mess he got himself into."
Canada: "G-Gilbert, when he's not looking, g-get us o-out of here..."
someone else knocks on America's door
America: "Who could that be?"
Belarus: "NII-CHAN I KNOW YOUR IN THERE LET ME IN!"
Russia: "Comrade America hide me and my wives da"
America: "uh...okay?"
Prussia: "oh god not her to!"
Poland: "Oooh, I haven't like seen Alfred in like, foreverrrr~ Can I come?!"
England: "Russia's there."
Poland: "Oh! Li-like, I totally remembered I had like, something to do."
Canada: "G-Gilbert-t-t...LET'S GO. NOW."
Russia: Death grips Prussia and Canada to his chest
Russia: "Wives I don't know if we're going to make it"
America: "Belarus Russia's not here he's at.....France's house, go there"
Belarus: "France's house? HOW DO I KNOW YOUR NOT LYING!"
America: "Do heroes lie?"
Canada: "A-Alfred... You're an idiot."
England: -evil grin- "No, wait, Feliks. I think Russia actually just left! -thoughts- Maybe Russia will go after this bugger."
Poland: "Oh~! Like, okay!"
Belarus: "...If your lying I'll raid your house when you least expect it!"
America: "heroes don't lie!"
Russia: "I hope she leaves" still death griping Prussia and Canada to his chest
Poland & England almost arrive at Alfred's place....using magical time traveling skills that nations seem to have
Poland: "And Lith was like, 'Feliks, why are you wearing a skirt?' and I was like, 'Uhm, because it's hot.'"
England: "-nods- Right. Uh-uh. -freezes- SHIT. IT'S BELARUS. -throws self into a bush-"
Belarus: "Fine!" she leaves
Canada: "I c-can't...breath..."
Prussia: "..well one of our troubles is gone"
Russia: "Da~ she is gone Gilbo~"
England: -armycrawls towards Alfred's- "Hah! Nobody's as good at this as England!"
Poland: "W-What? L-Like, Belarus?!" -throws hands over eyes-
Belarus: "ENGLAND I SEE YOU THERE! AND POLAND! WHY ARE YOU HERE WHERE IS MY NII-CHAN?!?"
Russia: "quick my wives let's leave out the back window"
Prussia: "...I'd rather live Russia"
Canada: "C-Can you...let go...a little?"
England: "-Pulls out Britannia wand- NO, YOU DON'T!"
Poland: "L-Like, Russia was at America's, b-but, England said he like, left."
Belarus: "...AMERICA YOU LIED!"
Canada: "-coughs from lack of oxygen- ALFRED, Y-YOU IDIOT."
Belarus: she bangs on the door "AMERICA WHERE IS MY NII-CHAN! LET ME SEE HIM! STOP HIDING HIM!"
Russia: he loosens his grip so Canada can breath but can't get away
England: "-makes a puff of smoke appear- ...BOLLOCKS, WHY CAN'T I EVER DO THIS RIGHT?!"
Canada: -gasps-
Prussia: "Alfred make sure Ore-sama is safe sacrifice your self for us"
Canada: "Alfred, w-why don't you have a security s-system like everyone e-else?!"
America: "why would a hero need something like that ..whoever you are"
Canada: "I'm C-Canada... Your brother. Oh...w-whatever."
England: "-ignoring- I DID THE ENCHANTMENT CORRECTLY! WHY WON'T IT BLOODY WORK?!"
America: "...right right"
Prussia: "Hurry up Alfred go sacrifice your self for Ore-sama"
Canada: "-mumbles- I think I-I might agree w-with you this t-time..."
America: "what was that?"
Canada: "Now he hears me. N-Nothing, Alfred."
Belarus: "NII-CHAN! NII-CHAN!"
Prussia: "Oh god I don't want to die here not without my pancakes!"
Russia: "Maybe if we're quite she'll go away?"
England: "-poofs in- YES! I BLOODY DID IT!"
Canada: "G-Gilbert, pancakes are t-the least of our w-worries. I'll m-make you some l-later..."
America: "SORRY BELARUS BUT HE'S NOT HERE"
America: "...IGGY WHAT ARE YOU WEARING?"
Prussia: "...pffttt AHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
Russia: "Oh hello comrade England~"
England: "-looks down and turns red- B-Bloody hell..."
Canada: "Oh g-god..."
Poland: "ENGLAND, LIKE, ARE YOU INVISIBLE NOW?!"
England: "-uses magical appearing tray to cover ass-"
America: "...here cover up with this" he hands him his jacket
Prussia: "pfffttt England your magic fails"
England: "T-Thank you... -quickly puts it on & wraps himself in it-"
England: "S-Shut up!"
Russia: "Comrade England what happened to your clothes?"
England: "Oh h-hello Russia... I um... Can we just drop this?"
Canada: "Am I-I the only one w-who's eyes are b-bleeding?"
America: "no problem Iggy it's what heroes do"
Russia: "Don't let Belarus know I'm here"
Russia: "I need to keep me and my wives safe"
Poland: "-on cellphone- LIET!? LIKE, ENGLAND IS INVISIBLE! Oh my god, I have like, such a great story to tell you. Like, to the MAX. -walks off-"
England: "R-Right.."
Prussia: "I am not your wife!"
America: "Iggy I'll go get you some clothes"
Russia: "And the vodka you promised me"
Canada: "N-NO! N-Not right! A-Arthur, aren't you here to help us?!"
Belarus: "NII-CHAN! NII-CHAN! I KNOW YOUR IN THERE!"
England: "...Who are you? & Thank you, A-Alfred." -thoughts- Vodka? Oh, I'll need a drink as well.
Prussia: "FOR I LOVE OF GOD SOMEONE GET ME AWAY FROM THIS GUY!"
Canada: "-jumps- W-Why won't she j-just go a-away? I'd rather be kidnapped by Russia
America: he brings back a shirt that on the Front it says "Alfred F. Jones" and on the back it says "THE F STANDS FOR FUCK YEAH AMERICA!"
Belarus: "NII-CHAN! AMERICA! LET ME IN! OR WHEN I FIND I WAY IN I'LL RIP YOUR EYES OUT!"
England: "...Really? That's all you have? It'll have t' do, I suppose. & Of course he didn't bring any pants. At least the shirt is big enough."
England: -jumps slightly- "WOULD SOMEBODY DO SOMETHING ABOUT HER?!"
America: Ignores her
Prussia: is still being held hostage?
England: -slips on shirt & re-wraps himself in America's jacket-
Russia: "what can I do?"
Canada: "G-Gilbert...do you h-have any sort of plan? B-Because you usually d-do..."
Prussia: "Right cause Ore-sama is awesome o-of course I have a plan"
Canada: -sighs in relief-
Prussia: "Well first we...uh..we see what we have in the house. Yeah! Alfred what do you have in your house that could hold off a mob?"
England: -casually sneaks away from door & towards Alfred-
Russia: holds them close to his chest
Canada: "S-Shit...N-Not again..."
Belarus: "NII-CHAN! AMERICA I SWEAR I'LL RIP YOUR EYES OUT LET ME IN!!"
England: "Unfortunately, I highly doubt that America would have anything to ward off a mob. He doesn't even lock his doors afterall." -keeps sneaking closer-
Belarus: "..he doesn't? hahahahahahahaha Nii-chan I'll get to become one with you yet"
America: "IGGY! WHY DID YOU TELL HER THAT?!?"
England: "Alfred...TELL ME YOU LOCKED YOUR DOOR NOW."
England: "WHAT KIND OF A BLOODY IDIOT ARE YOU?! BELARUS WAS BOUND TO FIND OUT SOONER OR LATER!"
America: "QUICK!" He runs to the door and locks it like a hero
England: "-runs to the back door to lock it-"
Belarus: "DAMN YOU AMERICA! I'LL FIND A WAY IN SOON!"
America: Locks all the windows on the first floor
England: -runs back to original spot- "Really, America, what the bloody hell were you thinking?!"
Prussia: "okay...now that's solved...for now"
Canada: "I h-highly doubt that..."
America: locks all the windows on the second floor
England: "Well at least he's being efficient now..."
America: and the third floor
America: and lastly the fourth floor
England: "-facepalms- Really, who needs four floors when they live alone?"
America: runs down and back over to England "Iggy your house is huge! And you live alone to"
England: "W-Well...I used to raise you! I n-needed a bigger house!"
Prussia: "...you two should get a room already, or HELP US DAMN IT!"
Canada: "YOU U-USED TO RAISE ME TOO, YOU KNOW!"
England: "-glances- Oh, right, right."
Russia: "Why would my wives need help when the threat is gone?"
Prussia: "Pffttt gone?!? Only one is gone!"
Canada: " -whispers- G-Gilbert, don't m-make him mad..."
England: "-just realizing Gilbert's comment- G-Get a room?! What the bloody hell are you insinuating?!"
Prussia: "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! SOMEONE HELP!"
Russia: "Help you with what Glibo?"
Russia: "I should be the one to help my wives I am your husband after all"
England: -mumbling quietly to self- "G-Get a room? As if I would even think of doing anything with Alfred. The hell did he get such an idea from."
America: "...oh that's a good idea! we could all hide upstairs"
England: "-flustered- O-Of course! Because that was what Gilbert was referring to!"
Prussia: "Sure, sure it was, you go and believe that"
Russia: "....hmm maybe I should go hide in a different room with my wives"
Prussia: "OH HELL NO! ORE-SAMA DOESN'T WANT TO!"
Canada: "-to self- I h-have a feeling that anything I-I say will be ignored..."
Russia: "Now why would I ignore my wives?"
Canada: -is speechless after being talked to directly by someone other than Prussia asking for pancakes-
England: -just happens to scoot closer to America-
Russia: get's up and brings his 'wives' to a different room to 'hide'
Canada: "D-Dammit..."
Prussia: "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD ENGLAND! STOP FLIRTING WITH AMERICA AND HELP US!"
England: "I'M NOT FLIRTING WITH ALFRED!"
Prussia: "YES YOU ARE! NOW HELP US!"
Canada: "Y-yeah, Arthur! D-Do something!"
England: "...Why should I help you, Gilbert? And...I'm sorry, but who are you?"
Russia: "What do you need help with wives?"
Russia: "He's Canada"
England: "....Canada? Canada...? -random epiphany- OH, CANADA! When did you get here? & How did you get past Belarus?!"
Prussia: "HE'S BEEN HERE THE WHOLE TIME"
Canada: "-sighs- I g-give up..."
England: "-looks at America- Has he really? No, couldn't be. I would have noticed if he was."
Prussia: "NOW FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HELP"

To be continued in Episode one Part two: HIDE AND SEEK

If you didn't know, England appeared randomly in his sexy waiter uniform~ ;D
& I kept him in America's jacket for no reason, because THAT'S ATTRACTIVE.

There may or may not be a "commentary" of this, with or random OoC thoughs o' fail.
I have to see if she still has it.

Review~?