A/N: This is an episode tag to 1.17 Loa Aloha. There is a possibility on another chapter from Steve's POV with more of an ending. Or if you are all horrendous whump/tragedy/hurt without the comfort addicts you can leave it as it is. As it is, I am tagging it hurt/comfort with this chapter being all hurt and the comfort to come if you want it. Love you guys
Disclaimer: I do not own Hawaii Five-O. I am not making any money off this fic. All rights go to whoever it is that does own Hawaii Five-O.
I was drunk. I knew I was drunk. Everything was swimming in front of my eyes, blurring from the alcohol and tears running down my cheeks. I heard myself give off a keening cry. The pain in my heart felt like I was dying. At this moment I knew I had never truly been heart broken. Right now, I knew my heart was breaking, shattering into a million little pieces on the floor.
I crouched on the floor, my hands over my head protectively and rocked back and forth. The pain would not go away. It followed me everywhere. What had I done? I had let my guard down, let someone through and now look what had happened. I was huddling on the floor pathetically like a little child.
The thought energised me a little and I uncurled. Anger. Yes. I was an idiot. How could I have ever let someone get so close? I thought I had learned my lesson but apparently not. All good things must come to an end and if you let them get to you, parts of you would end with them. And sometimes it was all you could do not to bring someone else down with you.
I fumbled for the bottle on the floor beside me and frowned upon finding it was empty. A faint voice whispered in the back of my mind that alcohol was a depressant. Cruel irony really. You drink alcohol because you're depressed and it makes you more depressed. Huh. I let out a short laugh. Only until you passed out, then you felt nothing. Blissful oblivion, until the nightmares started or morning came, whichever was first.
I tried to pull myself to my feet, I was sure there was scotch or something like that in a cupboard in the kitchen. My feet seemed to move without bidding and I lurched forward into the wall. Hugging it, I made my way into the kitchen and pulled open the cupboard door. Yep, there it was. Conveniently placed at eye level. Perfect.
I slumped back down to the floor my back against the couch and took a swig. Not long now and I would be snoring with the fishes. Or possibly singing with angels. Either way, I didn't care. I just wanted it to end.
There was no-one to pull me back this time. I went to Rachael first before remembering that she had a new husband and that I would only bring her down with me. And if she went down…I couldn't do that to Gracie. Ever. So I pulled up my big boy undies and faked a sad half smile, said goodbye and drove to the liquor store.
I had told McGarrett that he had come by each night with beer after the divorce but he wasn't bringing beer because he thought I would need a drink. He brought beer because he knew I already had a drink and he needed to make sure that beer was all I had. Now he was gone. I drove him away. What had I done to make him trust me so little? I didn't know but I did know that when he walked away he walked away with a part of my heart that I would never get back.
The pain was swamping me down again and I took another drink. The world swam alarmingly, or what would have been alarmingly for a person not trying to drink till they pass out, before me. I knew the little signs. An almost hysterical laugh passed my throat. No-one to pull me back from the edge this time, only thing stopping me from jumping right off the ledge with my gun in hand was Grace. Same as when Rachael and I split. Even then I had Matt to help keep me away.
What was I going to do without him? Another swallow, then another, each one burning a trail down my throat before settling in my stomach. The edges of my vision greyed and I blinked. Almost there. Gripping the bottle tightly I lifted it up to my lips and chugged down some more. The burn made me cough this time and my eyes slid shut. Mindlessly reaching up I took another swallow, draining the last of the Scotch out of the bottle before it fell limply out of my hands. All was black now. Nothingness.
Finally the pain was, for the moment, gone. I was hanging from the edge by the tips of my fingers and I could feel myself slipping. Only thing was, I couldn't bring myself to care.