A/N: Hey guys! I wrote this songfic based off of Half a Heart by One Direction. I adore the song and I thought it really fit the Doctor and River. Enjoy! :)
Both husband and wife had been to the library. In both time streams it had happened; she was dead and he wasn't doing much better. It was like he was missing half of himself.
The Doctor couldn't put his finger on it for so long; he knew what was missing, of course- it was her- but he hadn't been able to identify the feeling that came with it. Grief and agony, yes, but there was something else, something that came with it. Then one day it came to him, out of nowhere, and it couldn't really be explained.
Being in a universe without River was like waking up to only half a blue sky. How that was possible, the Doctor had no idea, but that's what it was. His mind was only kind of there, but not quite. He could never really concentrate on anything. On multiple occasions he had walked around with only one shoe, a result of his mind being everything other than reality. It had gotten him many bewildered glances from passerby.
And now he knew why all that was: he had only half a heart without his River.
He was half a man, at best. Without her to stop him from making stupid decisions, he got himself into trouble all the time. Not only was he half a man, he had half an arrow in his chest. He was in love her and he always would he. Nothing would change that. But there was an emptiness, a sort of angry hole, about him, about everything, that came with her being gone. He missed her and everything they had done together more than anything.
He had forgotten every time they had argued. None of what was said really mattered anymore, not now that they had both been split in two by her death. Oh, how he wished he could have just one more hour with her. The Doctor couldn't even begin to think of how much they could do together in an hour. If he had that small, precious amount of time, he would take her for lunch. A café by the river, their favorite restaurant back when… well, when she was alive. They could talk through everything that had happened. The thought of that broke his heart, because he knew it would never happen.
Being without her was like waking up to only half a blue sky. Some days the other half was filled with rain and others it was a black hole, unable to be filled at all. On those days he was only half in reality, the other half of him drifting aimlessly through the black hole, trapped. On the days when half the sky was raining, he'd walk a block before realizing that his sock was wet because he only had one shoe on. Then he'd have to trek all the way back to the TARDIS in the rain to change his socks. He was half the man he was when he was with her. Half the man at best. People he met on the street thought he was rude and heartless because he didn't pay anyone any attention. He would bump into people and keep walking because he never realized he had done it at all. He could snap at the most insignificant comment from someone and start to yell at them. Then he would hurry away in embarrassment and shame after a hasty apology.
This all was happening because of one loss. He had lost tons of people before. He had lost his entire planet, but this was different. The other losses only made his heart heavy, enlarging it until he almost couldn't breathe. The loss of River left him with half of his hearts. A Time Lord isn't a Time Lord with only one heart.
He had tried, so hard, to get her out of his head. He'd accepted that she was gone; he knew she wasn't coming back. But it was all in vain. He had gotten lost without her, and his frighteningly poor sense of direction wasn't allowing him to be found again.
Since then, the place where he was lost only had half a blue sky. He was not quite in reality and halfway into this dimension of lost souls. In that dimension, it was possible to live with only half a heart. More accurately, it was being done. It was being done by the Doctor. And everyone knows that a man with half a heart can't really be a man. Half a man, at best, but nothing more. He missed everything they did together, and this is where it was leading him. To being half a heart.
He was only half a heart without her. And, though he knew she would kill him for even thinking it, he preferred it that way.
A/N (again): I'm not really sure what I think of this, so please let me know your opinion. That way I can keep it in mind while writing my next story. Thanks in advance! : )