Sister's Heartbeat

(Rated T)

Note: This fanfic is a bit disturbing at times. That's what I'm trying to go for. It is a one-shot and my inspiration came from the book What Happened When Sister Went Crazy. I hope it is obvious that it is Hanabi's perspective, dealing with her psycho sister. This is a fic between the relationship of sisters. There are only hints of incest, but no incest. It is just something between Hinata and Hanabi. I hope I've portrayed Hanabi well enough. Not Hinata. She's different in this fic. I try to also make her sound grown-up in this fic. In my opinion, she's like a mother around Hanabi at times, especially when they are older.

Say you were crazy. In the worst case scenario, you knew people would find out and you wonder what they would respond towards that. Of course, someone would have to tell them for you, explaining the fact that you're too psycho to say anything properly to anyone. As in, you were put in mental rehabilitation. Let's pretend your own beloved parents send you to a therapist in hopes of you becoming normal again. Shouldn't they love you the way you are? Psycho or sane? Wouldn't that cause you to go crazy?

Everything in life is inevitable. You have a somewhat stable family with no breakdown problems with anything whatsoever and all of a sudden the most sane person in the family loses it.

You think nothing bad can happen to you, but then WHAM! It hits you smack-dab across the face, leaving a bruise that may possibly never recede.

It started normally until Sister began sneaking out. Sometimes she didn't come back until noon, smelling of nothing but alcohol. Then she'd go on and on every night to me until her chats lulled me to sleep. I'd wake up on the carpet of her room and she'd still be awake. Then she'd glance at me with a soft smile as a morning greeting--her smile. To any person, it would appear night never came for her. But all that faded when you spot the dark rings circling her eyelids.

But as time went on, it got worse. She was always missing during daily training and every time someone asked, she'd have the most genius excuse for her absence. After that she would constantly flicker her gaze towards me and wink. I didn't like it one bit.

Neither did Father nor Brother by the look of it.

The chats with me would get increasingly outrageous. She'd start with mentioning how she was going to marry the most beautiful, funniest blonde boy in the world, always hugging the pillow to her torso, wrapping her legs tight around the cushion, as if picturing it were his body that she clutched near.

Then it went from a blonde to our cousin, and she would hold the pillow tighter. It got worse when she swore she was going to marry that pink-haired medic someday, and be the wife of the best Sanin in history. The pillow was as compressed as it could possibly get. It was like she was using it as a punching bag. The stronger you get the farther, harder, and faster you punch it. Only this time it wasn't strength depended on it. It was her sanity, lowering and lowering progressively more.

And every time she would mention these insane beliefs, I would say nothing but listen, curious of what my big sister would say next with these unpredictable statements. I should've at least told her this isn't right. I should have at least slowed her drinking from destroying her mind completely.

Finally, she broke down when we got a call that she was on a rampage, threatening the Sand Kazekage with crazy promises and claims. She threatened to kill him for haunting her every night, sneaking in her bedroom and licking her neck and whispering into her ear as she slept. Lately, Sister's never went into dreams. No one ever came near our house that wasn't a Hyuga without permission. Ever. We had to show up before the Sand Village leader could do something drastic in order to protect himself and the village.

We showed up in a matter of hours.

When we took her to the doctor's, he informed us that she is having a psychological breakdown. We were put in a state of shock that would scar us for the rest of our lives. She was in perfect health, so why did this happen to her? So, what else could a family in need do? We put her in a clinic.

Although she screamed and told us she hated us for putting her into "crazy town," we knew we had no other choice. It's too dangerous for her to be roaming the streets. The Kazekage claimed she used frightening techniques on him. She may end hurting someone or, if not, herself. I'm not even going to go to the She-may-think-she-can-fly-and-jump-off-the-roof statement. I think it's a lot worse than that in the shinobi world. A lot worse.

"Hanabi," My head snaps up to the sound of my given name. I peel my arms from my legs and crawl in the dusty darkness of her closet. I peer out the shimmer crack of light left in the door and see Brother standing in Sister's room, glancing around the area for me.

He faces my direction and I jump when I caught the bulging veins around his eyes. "I know you're in there." Brother notified me. "Come out."

With a moment's hesitation, I nod unconsciously and slide the doors open, standing up and stumbling when I realized how stiff my knees were. I doe-eyed Neji, waiting for news on her status. The therapists believed they were getting to her, but they're also afraid it's a fifty-fifty outcome. It may only make it worse by the classified techniques they're using on her. I wish they would just tell us what's going on with my sister, so if we were sure this was right and be with her like a real family. After all, when have we ever been? Her condition is what's starting to make our family connection shudder and reel us back in.

Brother only stared at me, and turned, as if his back will keep me from knowing the truth. Tears clouded my vision, and I gasped myself to emotionless, asking with my teeth and eyes clenched tight, refusing to look into his gaze of pity and heartbreak, "So what do we do now?"

"Hiashi ordered us to check up on her." Neji said in an surprisingly and a frustratingly calm voice.

I forced my eyes open, only to realize there were more tears begging to spill, but I fought them back. "What…what about Father?"

"He has errands to run." He answered, escaping my gaze by leaving the room. There was a lie and angst in his voice that proved his resent and disbelief. I scoffed to myself, keeping quiet so Brother could not hear. Father only wants to avoid the crazy gaze of the daughter he failed to raise and share his love with. Although I enjoyed being my father's favorite, I felt isolated from my sister, almost as if we weren't family, only strangers who shared a home. I believe this is how I'll make up for my ignorance. While our father runs and attempts to escape the guilt of letting his eldest daughter lose it, I'll make up for my sins.

When I left the household with Neji, two people showed up at our sidewalk. Surprise, surprise--it was the infamous pink-haired girl she spoke of, and another blonde girl at her side. Both were beautiful, and I began to wonder…was this blonde the person she talked about at first? Or is there another blonde? A boy? Or was I mistaken? No wait, I recall her saying blonde boy.

"Neji," The lovely, pale blonde asked, approaching my cousin with the other following like a dog. They completely ignored my presence when they pleaded for an answer, "How is she?"

I knew they were talking about her. People have asked many times of her sudden disappearance. Usually they asked me, where I would suddenly gain a blush and answer, "She's sick."

"How sick?" they would eventually say and I would change the subject.

But eventually, someone learned the truth and word got out. Now associates of Sister come to Neji for info, instead of me, the girl who kept the evil gossip to herself to protect her sister.

After the rumors started, I was so angry. Eventually the anger turned into sadness, which led to depression. Lately, I've been crying myself to sleep over my suffering sister. Whenever we'd visit, she'd say the most unbelievable things, like how the Kazekage came again last night and raped her, or the pink-haired woman proposed. Once she abruptly dove to me and slammed me into the ground. Bruises showed on my ribs as she begins to scream and panic, claiming the side of the room has been blown up in attempt of assassination. Then the screaming grew when she pointed at nothing but stillness and told the "demon" to get away. In her mind, there would be a zombie-like figure, with patches of skin peeled of its body, it's eyes glowing in complete white, and a line of daggers as teeth. Drool would dribble from its mouth and it would grin insanely at Sister, and all she tried to do was protect me in fear.

Eventually the doctors had to kick me out in order to calm her down, forcing her struggling self to the bed, hands of so many holding her down as she fought to escape, screaming my name and warning them the "thing" is going to kill them. She almost escaped the grasp once, pulling an arm free and beginning to stand, directed towards me, being pushed out at the door, but they just pinned her down again, giving her an injection.

My sister was screaming and crying and eventually trying cut herself free from their clutches. Her face was so scratched up from her own nails after that. The medics had to clip them off.

The entire occurrence was the most horrific thing I've ever witnessed.

Now I'm worried. What if she breaks again? I was so scared about the results of therapy today that I hid in her closet, in hopes of a miracle while I inhaled her scent. Now it's worse, so what could happen next?

Responding the girl's question, Neji slowly shook his head, slipping his hand into mine to walk away while the two girls mourn. On the walk there, I would struggle to suppress myself from sinking into the thought of the weighing pain that just seems so unreal. Sighing, I yank my hand from Neji's, making a forceful, childish grunt, and he ignores my thrust and just continues to walk, letting the hand fall completely to his side.

When we arrive, I stare at the many people sitting at a corner, most of which were ninja with devastating results of a gruesome battle. Others were just fumbling with their…hands. Something struck me. What if there always was a problem with Sister? Like there was a minimum, jittery side to her since she always flustered? I'll be sure to tell the medics.

Right before we walk into Sister's room, a doctor shows up and asks if she could pull Brother aside to update my sister's status. Neji tells me to go on inside and see Hinata. What? No! I don't want to visit a psychopath alone! Sure, she's my big sister, but she's lost her mind! And it's a lot worse than before! He can't just abandon me.

But Brother won't allow argument and turns his back to me once more to walk down the hospital's halls and speak privately. Maybe I should just wait until he's done, but then Brother would give me the Death Stare if he sees me still here. Which is more frightening? My crazy sister or my cousin's glare?

Sighing in defeat, I wrapped my moist hand around the door, swallowing with hesitation. I mutter words under my breath, practicing a conversation with Sister. With satisfaction in the beginning chat with her, I nod reassuringly to myself. "Everything's going to be fine. You're her sister, goddammit."

As if the handle was in blaze, I yanked the door open with such momentum in the force, the metal door slid open, bounced off, and nearly slammed back into my face. I hastily stuck my foot between that of the door and the frame. Much slower, I slink the door, peering through its crack and spot my sister not on the floor, not hanging off the chandelier or doorframe, not destroying everything in sight, but standing by the window, staring out into its view. Just like she did as a girl. What a beautiful view. What a beautiful girl.

Tears wouldn't stop until she faced me, and I gasped, the crying completely escaping my state of mind. Her hands were folded behind her back, her loose hospital slacks and t-shirt blowing in the refreshing breeze of the open window. She merely glanced over her shoulder with a soft, kind smile that I used to see from her all the time when she was sane. It was a smile that kept the monsters and nightmares away, because it made me realize I wasn't alone.

How I've always longed to witness that smile one last time, and I did, right after the therapy that was supposedly corrupting her already troubled mind. But what really shocked me was her hair! It's gone! Her lovely, silky indigo hair has been sloppily sliced off to her neck, and it made it appear like she hasn't brushed for days. I stared at the scissors with shiny blue strands at her bedside.

"Hello, sweetheart." Sister smiled, making me gasp at the first time she's spoken in clear speech for the first time. This is strange… The doctors said she'd be even more of a crackpot than before… Why…? Wait! Does this mean…they were wrong?! Could it be the treatment worked and Hinata's back to her old self?!

"Thank you for coming to visit me, Tenten!" She broke my sudden, excited thought and giggled politely. Tenten?!

No… No,NO! She had me and then she thought I'm that one girl Tenten? I look nothing like her! She's taller, she's an hourglass with her body, her hairstyle, eyes, height, age, everything! How can she mistake me for her?

My big sister approached me and started to caress my cheek, bending over to my height. How in the world can she mistake me for Tenten, who is taller than Sister herself?

Sister's smile was friendly, and it made me practically lose my balance at the sudden slap of memory. It didn't just make me stumble; it nearly knocked me off my feet to the churning feeling in my chest. My eyelids fell gradually and I sucked in a breath to keep myself from vomiting. For now, I'll just picture dear Sister rubbing my cheek, saying my own name instead. It won't last…

"Did you do something new with your lovely hair?" She asked. My lovely hair. "Do you like mine? I trimmed it up a bit." My eyes squeezed tighter. Trimmed a bit. "I'll be in trouble when the doctors find out. So what gave you the intentions to visit me, Ten-"

"I'm not Tenten!" I suddenly found myself shouting in fury, a fury that I did not recognize. It almost feels as if my whole life I've been living in a small whisper of a mist, and now a single raise of the voice--that I've been raised NOT to do--cleared it all up, and I could see everything. I could see my sister stumbled back, her eyes widened and her arm held away, as if I have just nipped at it myself. But most of all, I see me. I am subtle, secure, and beautiful. What I also see is angst, unfaithfulness, and greed. Greed in the love of my peers, the love of my father, and now the love of my sister, which I have so cruelly pushed away and stole from in my gruesome, perfect past.

She never got that life which I enjoyed. From which I felt guilt I tried to ignore, trying to tell my inner demons that she is lucky to not be enduring these tiring training sessions. But every time her back was turned, I would smirk, and I would cheer. For I knew that I had won, that I have earned the right place as Hyuga Head. We just have to wear her down enough to cause her to withdraw as heiress, and the job's all yours, I would think to myself. And sometimes, these words would be whispered into my ear, by my own father.

Always whenever Sister left for a mission we would constantly dwell on how her self-esteem would finally collapse from her and she would give up on the Hyuga Clan, and I would have no choice but to take her place as Hyuga Head. What a child I was back then… And I still am.

I incessantly believed Sister was the one younger at heart, and I was the mature one by how innocent she seemed. But now, standing here in front of this insane woman, I realize that she has been the big sister all along. I was spoiled and selfish, pampered and egocentric, and continuously jeering to myself that I was the gifted one, and that I was the prodigy. I know now that I was all wrong.

Who was the only one that ran to my bed when I screamed in the middle of the night? Who was the girl that cradled me in her chest and hummed a lullaby through my tears and whimpers? Which girl never brought up the shameful cries that a strict father would not tolerate? Who the hell was the only one who heard me screaming in the first place?! Who felt awful when she believed she was behind schedule and she failed to make me food later than usual, or couldn't find the paper toweling fast enough as I threw up and blamed herself because didn't give me medicine earlier even though it was impossible to realize that I would be sick?

As a child, whenever Sister faulted, my father would somehow find out and immediately I would jab in her direction and notify it is her who made the mistake out of my cowardly fear of discipline. She would never argue or retort, and I used that as an advantage as I grew. When I ended up in the place of trouble, I would claim it was Sister's doing, and she would take it. Take the scolding, take the punishments, everything that should belong to me. Never once did she complain or whine or try to take revenge on me. But she did glance over her shoulder, and there was an icy stare that proved her disappointment in me, or how she was scared for what I'll become when she's not around for me to accuse. As if someday, the father who believes I'm perfect will realize I'm a fraud.

Sister was always angelic, and she would never show it among all the drama and misery in this world. She would endure it without a shed of tears, and that made her beautiful, like a flower in the snow.

Forever I feared she would one day give me away, and for that I mistrusted her, like she has already betrayed me. But she never showed sign of resent or telling me to take place in her punishment.

All of that was Sister, and none of that was me.

She is the true heir and genius of our family, and I was just as blind as everybody else to not see it. And now it is too late for redemption between us, because she has lost that honor and it is now clear that her insanity was all my fault. The things I weighed on her shoulders, that made her question herself and wonder what's the point…it's. All. My. Fault.

And now, nothing can take away the guilt, and nothing can stop the tears pooling from my eyes.

"I-it's m-me…" I blubber, "Y-y-your sis-sister…" I do not deserve that name in her, "Ha-Ha-Hanabi…"

There was a sharp gasp that cause me to snap my eyes open, but the vision was blurred by the remaining tears. I move the heel of my palm to rub away the water, but I feel Sister thrown at me and her arms tight across my torso, and even air became unreachable as she cheered, "Oh, my dear Hanabi! Forgive me, my sweetheart! You are just so magnificently beautiful that I failed to recognize you!"

I fear I may weep more. There is an unsteady breathing coming off her chest, and I know she is making all this up, to hide her embarrassment. She would've done the same thing if I said I was Sakura, claiming that my beauty was so radiant that it was impossible to tell my identity.

Her palm slipped into mine, and the dry skin in hers made me shudder. They once were so soft… "Come, my sister. Take a seat." I am taken to a stool at her bedside. She sits in front of me and I place myself on the creaky chair, torn up and scalped by Sister's protests and anger. And misery. Misery that is all my fault. Oh dear, I'm feeling the tear jerks that will once again stream out. But I must pull myself together for Sister's sake.

I yank a huge smile across my face, so fake and so miserable, that it pains my cheeks. Surely Sister will not fall for it. With absolute no glimpse of hope, my pale eyes flicker to her, but instead of the hurt, disappointed expression I constantly received when she was sane, it was a large smile return. My stomach seriously spoils to its core. She truly is crazy, isn't she?

"Little sister," Sister outstretched her hand and touched my cheek, her thumb tracing my cheekbone, "When did you get so lovely? Did you finally become a princess?" That hurt. That hurt so bad that I was growing teary-eyed again, blurring my vision of Sister's smiling eyes. When Sister was nine, and I was four, we used to always play. Our most favorite game was when I played as a princess, and she would be my prince, and I was so much of a feminist then, that I believed that while Sister was Head of our clan, I would instead be the princess of the Leaf.

Sister leaned forward to whisper in my ear, "But I'm afraid I won't be your perfect prince. The thing hasn't been slain quite yet," I gasped. That monster she keeps on claiming to see? Is she going to panic again? I can't let that happen. "In fact it's in this room right now, so I'm just going to--"

I slapped her.

Sister pulled her hand away, holding her cheek in shock towards my brash action. Truth be told, I was surprised myself, but she deserved it. All this has to stop. I've been quiet for too long. I've been weak for too long, not doing anything about this condition. The doctors aren't her family, I am. And if no one else is going to do something, I will.

"Stop it, Sister!" Please, "Just stop! This is getting out of hand!" I'm sorry if I'm scaring you, "I know you better than this! And I know if you really want something done, you'll try!" I just can't let you go through this. "And I without a doubt know that you're not trying!" I just… "So start trying!" Start trying and come home, "Because…home isn't the same without you…," And because… "I miss you." I love you…my dear sister.

Sister was still foreseeing this image and words over and over, I can tell. I can tell by the way that she folded her hands on her lap and hung her head, brushing her bangs over her face. That's Sister for you. That's the way she is.

. . .

The way she was…! But now she's thinking again. Thinking like she used to! What if… What if she's slowly coming back to us?! I'm counting the moments, praying for this all to be true.

"You…," Sister's soft voice came, and I held my breath, "You want me to change? Hmm…,"

"N-n-not change…," I do not know why I'm crying, but I just am. The look she just gave me--innocent and unwilling--is the way she always looked whenever I advised her. Her fingers rubbed away the unending tears, "J-just come back to us…,"

Sister nibbled her lips. "Little Sister," she said, wiping away my tears. She stood and kissed my forehead, and there was this moment in time where everything just halted where all the concerns of mine and hers faded into oblivion. Her lips are soft but dry, loving but hesitant. Just like…Hinata.

She bent to look me in my wet, pale eyes as I hiccuped. All this crying. Sister's face is serious and demanding. "You want me to go back to normal? Be Hinata again?"

"Y-yes," I sniffled, "M-more than anything…,"

With a nod, Hinata smiled softly and kissed away the rest of my salty tears. "Then it shall be, my sweet baby sister."

And just like that, I knew. I knew everything will be alright from this moment on. As she smiles at me, I foresee everything. That monster will forever disappear, neither of us will cry every night. The screaming will stop, and I shall quit longing to drag her out of this clinic by force, because I know one day, the treatments will stop successfully, and she'll walk out of here herself with my hand in hers. On the day this will all end, I'll run into her room and I'll hug her, as I smell the scent of hers, of her blue t-shirt and jeans, finally out of the gown that smelt like death. She'll sit on the bed with sheets folded at the end in the cleaned out room, and she'll lean against the bed frame as I snuggle on her lap, holding my head against her shoulder like a child. She'll run her fingers through my hair and she will sing a lullaby, and I'll rub her tummy as she does to me, and she'll soothe me to sleep. I'll lay there with my ear against her chest count the heartbeats that will never end, still beating like a hummingbirds wings.

One… Two… Three…