Cantata One- Someone turn me around/Can I start this again?
Moira's busy doing paperwork, but she's always busy with that. Her pen flies down the pages, filling in every blank with perfection and ease. Years upon years of practice it seems. A broken clock sits behind her; symbolism so forced that it has to be on purpose. Surrounding the clock are pictures of other patients, all of which have moved on. I knew most of them. They rest upon a wall painted egg-shell white which gives the whole room a clean, sterile feeling. We don't call it Heaven's Waiting Room just for shits and giggles, although Erik might.
"No matter how long you stare at the wall, you'll never be able to bore a hole in it," she says without even looking up.
"I like to think that if I concentrate enough, anything is possible."
"Ever the optimist."
"You say that like it's a bad thing."
"It's not. I just find it amusing."
"At least someone does."
"Charles, I've already told you that I find your eternal optimism to be extremely spectacualr, forward-thinking, charming, groovy, and all those other words you use all the time," Erik said over his copy of The School of Licentiousness.
"My friend," Moira added.
"Erik, I was trying to have a perfectly nice conversation with Moira. No need to verbally cock-block it."
"Have I ever mentioned that I love the way you say cock? Your accent really makes it sound so upstanding and fancy," he responded, a stupid grin on his face.
"Shut it Jaws."
"Can you two take all that sexual tension and deal with it elsewhere?"
"I highly doubt there can be sexual tension when I've been inside of him."
"I've been inside you as well."
"Yes, but the less said about that, the better."
"I actually prefer it when I top."
"Of course you do."
"Seriously, go away. I have too much work that needs to get done."
"You don't love us anymore Moira? That hurts me," he said, hand upon his wounded heart.
"Erik, if you'd like for your eye to remain pencil-less, I'd suggest you go to other side of the room. Now."
"Moving, moving."
"Good riddance I'd say."
"You too Charles," she hissed, glare strongly pointed in my direction.
"Fine, I'm going. However, I would like it be known that you started the conversation, not me."
She threw a paper ball at my head in response.
"I can't believe she assaulted me," I mumbled. I sat down next to Erik, and his arm wrapped itself around my shoulders.
"I highly doubt that throwing tiny balls of paper could be considered assault."
"I know," I sighed, easing into his embrace.
"Just ignore her. She's stressed. Lots of people dying apparently. Anyways, let's talk about more important matter. I heard from a little bird who may or may not be named Moira, that you were a porn star in your last life. So, how big was it?"
"Why is that your first question?"
"Why are you surprised?"
"Good point. I think it was like eleven inches or something."
"I'm sorry, I thought you said eleven inches."
"I did."
"Jesus! Who in their right mind would even attempt to have sex with that thing?"
"People who love big cocks."
"I'm guessing these people loved them more than the ability to sit properly."
"They could sit properly after a couple of hours."
"Sure they could. What were the names of these brave people by the way?"
"Flannery O'Boner, Donna Twatt, Judy Boom, and Anais Nin."
"I hope to God your name was Strokespeare or some stupid shit like that."
"It was actually Henry Drillher."
"Cute."
"Yeah. I think I was the only one who put some thought into their name though. All the thinking went into the movie titles."
"Which were?"
"The Temp's Piss, The Bound and the Furry, Nineteen Haughty Whores, My Bare Lady, The Divine Sodomy, The Scarlett Leather, and The Great Gagsby."
"So many genres, and so many books I will never read again. Wait, who watched all of this anyways?"
"Mostly anyone who almost failed English as a senior. One of those 'get back at my old teacher by rubbing one out to literary porn' type deals."
"See, you get jobs like porn star or pirate. All I ever get is shit like McDonald's cashier or Hitler's dog walker."
"I still can't believe that last one actually happened."
"Tell me about it."
"Well, I'm sure you'll get something get one day. Besides, being a porn star wasn't that amazing."
"Bullshit."
"Ok, it was pretty awesome. Still, have hope! It'll be better next time."
"You say that every time."
"Which makes it even more true. Relatively speaking, it has to get better at one point."
"And we're back to your adorable optimism."
"At least you call it adorable."
"Most thing associated with you are."
"I'm a grown man Erik."
"Doesn't mean you can't be adorable."
"Your double negative offends me."
"Your face offends me."
"How juvenile of you."
"Yeah, but you love it."
"Strangely, I do. I can't explain it, but I do."
"One of the greatest mysteries in the world."
"Although, it might have something to do with that single manly tear that slides down your face when you cry."
"I'm pretty sure tears aren't the basis of your attraction to me."
"I don't know. They are very powerful. Even Raven thinks so. 'Gets all the bitches with his manly tears', she told me the other day."
"What does she know, she's like seven."
"She's physically twelve Erik. She's much older mentally."
"Yeah, well, a five year old shouldn't be saying the word bitches."
"You know she hates it when you get her age wrong."
"She isn't here to witness me calling her two is she?"
"Not entirely."
"Then no harm, no foul."
"You have no manners."
"Yeah, yeah. Now stop talking and put that mouth to better use."
"I'm not blowing you right now."
"I was talking about kissing you pervert."
"Sure you were," I smirk as our heads came closer.
Moira looked out from her desk, thought a moment, and semi-yelled, "Use more tongue."
Erik flipped her off, and I laughed into his mouth.
"A homeless man set me on fire."
"What were you doing?"
"Nothing! I was leaving Pizza Hut, then BAM! Set on fire by a homeless man."
"You deserve it for eating at Pizza Hut of all places."
"That's not funny Moira. Pizza Hut is a fine eating establishment."
"If you say so."
"Why does it feel like you don't believe me?"
"Because I don't."
"You're really mean when you get behind on work."
"If you'd stop talking to me, I'd get my work done much faster, and I'll be that much nicer."
I took the "hint" and walked over to back of the room. Erik was already there, reading a book that had a fancy name but was probably just porn.
"She put you in timeout too," I asked.
"I didn't get put in timeout. I merely sat back here so that she could get her work done."
"Way to warp the situation around."
"Don't you have homework to do? Speaking of which, I heard you graduate to adding double digits! Congratulation."
I gave him my best glare, but it was shot down quickly by his even better glare.
"How on earth do you manage to do that?"
"Years of practice. You get to be a master of facial expressions the longer you're in here."
"I don't plan on being trapped here as long as you."
"Don't say trapped, and I didn't plan on being here as long as I have. It just sorta happened."
"Yeah, but you're not even trying to fulfill your purpose anymore."
"Please stop with that purpose crap. It's almost too much when Charles goes on about it."
"Do you have any better idea on how to get out of here then?"
"No, but his theory is just asinine. If we're supposed to complete some greater purpose that we missed in our original life, then why do we forget everything from here each time we revive?"
"He didn't say it was a law, just a theory. Besides, it's best to go with his thoughts then nothing at all."
"Sure, why not."
"God, why is everyone pissed today? I haven't done anything to anybody."
"You interrupted my reading. That's something."
"I'm so sorry for that heinous act I inflicted upon your person," I deadpanned.
"I like how you took my sarcasm and combined it with Charles' way with words. Eight points."
"Gee, thanks. I'll stop interrupting you now by the way."
"That is for the best."
I gave him one last look, stuck out my tongue slightly, and walked over to the bathroom. It was down the hall that led out of the waiting room. It was the only other unlocked door besides the 'shitty job dispensing bastard' that was further down. Its doorknob was the shape of an apple, and the word 'Eden' was carved into the top of it. Subtlety was not strong in this place. Anyways, the bathroom door had none of that crap, and simply had the word 'Bathroom' written on it with a sharpie. The inside, however, filled to the brim with decorations. It was like those fancy bathrooms in restaurants and shit. You know, the ones with the couches, TVs, and towel people. Oddly enough, we didn't have a breath mint bowl or a towel person.
I walked over to the stall, and shut the door. It was my stall, because of all the graffiti in it. I thought someone would get angry with me, but nothing so far. The sharpie I "borrowed" from Moira's desk gets taken out of my pocket, and I get to work. I'm not the best artist, so I'm stuck with stick figures. Pornographic stick figures mind you, but stick figures none the less. Next to all the pictures of StickFigureErik, I write little things like, 'Always open for business, swallows like a champ, and is use to having shit come out of his mouth. Call Erik now!' I'd be dead(er) if he ever found this shit, but it's just too much fun to do. Besides, I could always get Charles to defend my honor. He has a thing for that type of stuff.
Anyways, the fun that comes from defacing Erik's honor quickly become boring, so I stop and go to the mirror. I poke my face and watch the skin move with my finger. My hair hangs limply from my head. I push it back to try and make myself look older. I only succeed in making myself looking stupider. Sighing, I say, "I should have waited until I was older to shoot myself in the face."
"Did you finally finish?"
"Yes Erik, I finally finished. What do you want?"
"I need to complain to someone."
"What a twist."
"Sarcasm is really annoying when you're not the one doing it. Anyways, who do I talk to about changing the jobs get? They're absolutely shitty. It's getting ridiculous."
"It's not that bad Erik."
"I was a fucking garbage man last time!"
"There's nothing wrong with being a garbage man."
"There is when Charles gets to be a conquistador. I mean, come on! He's fucking English for fuck's sake!"
"He wasn't in that life, but I see your point. I'll try to put in a form so you can be something important. Have any suggestions?"
"Porn star, but one with a bigger dick than Charles."
"Really? That's what you want to be? I'm going to make sure you're something that involves shoveling shit just for that."
"I was joking. You know what those are right?"
"Contrary to popular belief, I do know what a joke is."
"I'm usually the one who has to say that."
"We're more alike than you'd care to admit."
"Lying is such a cruel thing to do to a person Moira. It can really hurt people."
"I just got what you said you about sarcasm."
"Joy. So, are you going to help me or not?"
"Sure, why not," she sighed.
"Good. I'm guessing this is the point where you tell me to go my corner, because mommy is very busy at the moment?"
"Actually, I'm done for right now."
"I never thought I'd see the day when I'd hear those words."
"Consider yourself lucky then. I'm headed off for some coffee by the way. Want some?"
"We have coffee?"
"In the break room."
"We have a break room?"
"Just follow me," she said as she led me down the hallway and opened a previously locked door.
"How'd you do that?"
"Magic. How you want your coffee?"
"Black is fine."
"Same as me," she snarked.
"We aren't the same person," I tried to snarl. She just rolled her eyes and brought the cups to one of the cheap tables in the room.
"It's been a long day," she said to herself while stretching in her chair.
"If you say so. Wait, how do you measure time anyways?"
"Well, I don't. As you know, time is just as dead as we are. Still, I can get tired just as you can get angry or happy. It really makes no sense, but trying to apply logic to any of this really only leads to madness."
"Anyone ever gone mad up here?"
"Surprisingly no. Most people get kinda bummed the first few times, but everyone eventually settles into a groove. Most of the time, the waiting between the lives is just as uneventful as their original life. It's interesting to watch everyone slowly come to the same realization though."
"When was it for me and Charles?"
"Charles around the twentieth time, and you the fourteenth one."
"I knew I'd beat him in something."
"You really are obsessed with your fake competition with him, aren't you?"
"There's no competition. I just get mad that he gets all the happy lives, and I'm stuck with the crap ones. Being better than him at stupid shit just makes me feel better."
"Makes sense. You know he'd give one of his awesome lives in a second right?"
"Of course."
"Good. Just wanted to make sure."
"I'm not as big a dick as I come off. Don't tell Raven though. I like to see her frustrated."
"I promise to keep my mouth shut."
"Thanks. Anyways, what is this room, and why can't I get in it?"
"It's the employee's break room. You're not allowed in it, because you're not an employee. You're merely a patient."
"It's pretty sick you call all us rebirths patients."
"It's pretty sad that you call yourself a rebirth. How bland can you make a name?"
"Charles came up with it, not me. I suggested 'God's bitches', but it was outvoted."
"I can't believe I'm saying this, but I like your name better. It's a better description of how most people feel up here."
"Exactly. You don't finally die, then get told you got to do it all over again, but in a different body. Add to that the fact that we don't remember anything every new life, and you're going to have some bummed people."
"I don't come up with the rules, I merely enforce them."
"I know, but it's still fucking stupid."
"It's all for a reason."
"Which none of us know."
"We eventually learn it."
"I'm pretty sure that neither Charles nor I will ever learn it."
"Yeah, you two have been here the longest out of everyone. I thought you'd be gone long ago, but here you are. Drinking coffee. In a place you really shouldn't be in."
"I honestly don't know why I'm barred from being in here. It's not like it's that special or anything. The bathroom is more upscale than here."
"It's not the luxury part of it. It's something else, but the less you know about it, the better."
"Everything's a mystery here. Why can't I ever just known the facts?"
"It'd be too boring if you knew everything."
"I guess you're right."
"I know I am. Oh, how's your coffee?"
"Bitter."
"You wanted it black."
"Yeah, but I thought you could make a decent cup of coffee. I didn't think I could be so wrong."
"Ugh. I liked you better when that hydrogen tank blew you up," she said as she stood up and ushered us both out of the room.