Baby was softly purring when Dean got a weird feeling. The kind of feeling that gives you goosebumps. A cold sweat made it's way down Dean's spine. He looked over his shoulder. Nothing—but he couldn't shake the feeling that someone was watching him. Sam, by his side, moved a little bit, resting his head on the cold window, offering a nice view on the gross cut a vampire made on his neck earlier that day. Dean had really thought he could have lost his brother in that moment, once again. He had prayed, though, to Cas but that damn angel ignored his call, once again. That was one thing Dean didn't understand about Cas: his mood swings. They did share a more profound bond after all. Cas had understood Dean in ways the man didn't think were possible. He wasn't disgusted by the blood dripping on his face after he had kill some monster. He wasn't afraid of his darkest side; hell he took care of it. One moment, Cas would be all worrying and the other, it would be like he couldn't care less. He wouldn't answer his calls. He would only criticize his choices, his actions. He would be absent yet always present— because he was, in Dean's mind. And Dean hated that. He didn't understand what was happening to him. Why he wanted Cas' consent, approval on everything, no, not wanted—needed. He needed that spark of pride that lit up Cas' eyes when Dean had made a good move. He needed that reassuring presence, the feeling he wasn't completely lost or alone. He needed to know someone would always listen to him. And Cas gave that to him, once. Now Cas was missing and Dean was feeling a little less like himself everyday.
" Damn it Cas, where are you when I need you? "
And now that feeling wasn't going away, it was getting worse. His hands were getting wet and he loss concentration. He looked at Sam, heavily asleep and decided to pull over to take a little nap. He was tired, and all these questions on his mind were taking a lot of his energy. He looked over in his mirror to make sure no one followed them
"Son of a bitch" he grunted when a face appeared over his right shoulder.
" Dean, we need to talk."
" I have nothing to say to you, Cas."
" Dean, are you... Are you angry? Why are you angry?" he sounded lost, as if he had absolutely no clue about what was happening.
" Oh I don't know Cas, maybe because I nearly lost my brother to some stupid sons of bitches ? Oh, how about because you totally ignored my calls for the past few days? We were counting on you, Cas, we needed you. I needed you."
Dean felt his eyes tearing. In a sudden outburst of angst he got out of the Impala and slammed the door. He walked a little bit, taking deep breaths, his hands running through his hair.
" Dean, I'm sorry," Cas put a hand on his shoulder, hoping to calm Dean, a little bit. " Sam is okay now, I healed him. I'm sorry I couldn't come earlier"
" Couldn't or wouldn't?" Dean hissed.
"Couldn't." A flash of pain and betrayal passed in Cas' eyes. " You know I always come when you call"
"Then what's up with you lately, buddy, uh? I need you to talk to me, now."
" Dean, I, I don't know wha-"
"No Cas, I need answers ok? We can't, hell, I can't live with those moods swings. I need to know if we can count on you or not."
Cas let out a huge sigh. He swore these humans would be the death of him. How was he supposed to explain everything to Dean? He didn't have the most extraordinary social skills and humans interpreted things so weirdly sometimes...
" Do you think you're the only one who has problems, Dean?" He attacked, not knowing where he was going with that. "Haven't you thought that maybe it hasn't been all easy for me either? Angels are fighting one another in Heaven, Dean. My brothers and sisters, I can't let hurt each other like that."
Dean felt a bit guilty. He knew things weren't perfect in Heaven either.
" And I have all of these things inside my mind, all these thoughts that I can't explain. And these feelings inside of me that I can't handle." Cas looked like he was suffering, on the verge of tears.
" Talk to me, pal. I can, I don't know, maybe I can help"
"You can't Dean" Cas growled. " You can't because it's all your fault."
Dean's eyes went wide open. What was Cas saying? How could it be his fault if they haven't talked in days? He walked slowly backwards to Baby.
" Cas, buddy, it can't be my fault, how could it be? We haven't talked much lately..."
" Exactly, Dean. Because I couldn't handle being near you. They don't teach that in Heaven, they don't explain what those chills mean when you're near someone. They don't explain the craving of someone's presence. And the thoughts, that's so much worse."
Cas gripped his hair tightly and walked towards Dean, who hit the car with his back. He wasn't sure he understood what Cas was saying, it couldn't be true...
" I want you to be happy Dean, I need to know, constantly, if you're okay. But these feelings are forbidden in Heaven, and it's getting more and more complicated to hide them. My garrison is having doubts and I can't deal with that. "
" Cas, I, I'm not sure, right now, what you're saying."
" I can't stop thinking about you Dean, I just can't. and I don't understand. And no one, no one can explain to me— all my friends, my family are angels, who sure have never felt nor think such things. You don't understand Dean, how hard it is, how painful it is..."
Dean understood though. That's probably why he couldn't resist the urge of kissing him. All the anger and the pain in these last words were hurting him a lot, Dean didn't want to hear more of them. At first, Cas blocked. Dean didn't back up. He kissed him, again, but this time Cas responded. His lips were as soft as they looked. At one point, Cas smacked his hands next to Dean's head, on Baby's window, his body closer to Dean than he could've ever wished to be. When Cas pulled back, his cheeks were rosy and his lips were swollen. His eyes were bluer than they had ever be.
" Dean, I don't understand what just happened."
" Me neither Cas. I guess we'll have to discover it together." Dean answered, leaning in for another kiss, a smile on his lips.