Shy Ronnie 2

When the gunfire subsided, Liara sighed and straightened up, looking her partner (and lover) full in the face.

"Alright," she said. "We've done the work, we know the system, we have the firepower…and we have each other." She grabbed his hand. "You ready?"

Commander Ronald Shepard (or Ronnie, as he preferred to be called) looked around uncertainly. He smiled nervously, revealing a mouth full of braces.

"Let's do this!"

Of course the Shadow Broker knew that someone would come for him. Someone always came for him—but nobody had ever gotten this close. Needless to say, he was shocked speechless when Liara T'Soni, accompanied by likely the most well-endowed Spectre in the entire galaxy, burst through the door to his office, brandishing weapons. Liara was carrying a M-77 Revenant machine gun. In contrast, Shepard was carrying the most puny gun the yahg had ever seen.

"Hands in the air," snapped Liara, "It's a stick-up, stick-up—"

Somehow, in the confusion of it all, the Shadow Broker had missed the presence of the music. His hanar assistant, Turtle (the name had been a drunken April Fools' joke, but it'd stuck) was shaking; he didn't have any hands to raise. In short, he was screwed.

"—No funny business or you get lit up, lit up—"

"What is this?" demanded the Shadow Broker.

"You test I, you gon' die, and at your funeral your mama's gonna cry!"

"I don't have a mother," complained the Shadow Broker. "And your grammar sucks, Doctor."

Liara jerked her machine gun. "So, customers kiss the floor, floor, and clerks open file drawers slow, slow; if you don't wanna end up dead, you'll do everything Shy Ronnie says." She turned to the Commander, who up to this point had been half-heartedly putting hand gestures to everything the asari had been saying. "Tell 'em, Ronnie!"

Ronnie produced a mic and started mumbling incomprehensible garbage into it. In the midst of it all, Shadow Broker was able to pick up the words "dick" and "Korean hooker". (Although that also may have been "Shadow Broker".)

"No one in the back can hear you," Liara snapped irritably. "Shy Ronnie, use your outside voice! We don't have time for this, let's go.

"So stay on the ground, it's a stick-up, stick-up, your database and files we'll pick up, pick up. Unload the files, move your assholes—we're getting data, tell them Shy Ronnie!"

Again with the mumbling. At this point Turtle had collapsed into a heap of jelly (no pun intended) on the floor, quaking with both parts laughter and fear. The Shadow Broker couldn't help but find it all a little ridiculous, but he was worried about what Liara might do with that machine gun.

"Please," Liara said. "Please, use your words!

"Just imagine that everyone's naked!"

The image of a naked yahg sprang to the forefront of Shy Ronnie's mind.

"Uh-oh," Liara groaned. "Boner alert!" Then, to him: "You really pictured them naked…why did I think you could do this?"

One of the batarians got to his feet and started running.

"Ronnie, hostage on the move!" shouted Liara. Ronnie brandished his gun and aimed. Just as the Shadow Broker was convinced the clerk was dead, the gun went off and the projectile landed squarely in Ronnie's leg. "He shot himself," she remarked. "Why is your gun so small?"

"Come out, and put your hands up!" someone shouted from outside. The Shadow Broker breathed a sigh of relief. His security forces had arrived.

"The mercs are on their way," Liara concurred. "Good luck, Shy Ronnie," she snarked, taking the box of datapads from a terrified clerk. "Bye-bye."

There was a beat of silence. Ronnie uncertainly put the mic to his lips again.

"Ronnie, motherfucker and I'm back from the dead
Brain bored with the murder so I shot my own leg
Don't get the name twisted, 'cause I'm crazy as shit—
I hung a giant-ass noose off my giant ass-dick!"

"Forgot this data!" Liara was back; Ronnie fell silent. She scanned the room. "And also this guy. Come on, we're gonna have sex. Toodaloo!"

She grabbed Feron's arm and ran out of the room.

"And you can hang from it
'Cause you don't wanna see my real gun
Shoots to the sky but your face sound real fun
Ronnie!"

"Did you just proposition me?" spluttered the Shadow Broker.

And that was how the Shadow Broker's empire collapsed.

With a giant-ass noose on a giant-ass dick.