Title: Slowly Falling Awake
Author: OpheliacAngel
Pairing: Dean/Gabriel
Genre: Romance/Family
Rating: Teen
Summary: Gabriel doesn't like to think about it, of course, that's practically impossible when Dean's around because he was the one he sacrificed everything for. No spoilers, unless you haven't seen 'Hammer of the Gods'. I guess I would say no specific season or episode, it wouldn't be anyway since it's pretty much completely AU.
A/N: I've been really sick and really busy for a while now, but I've come to learn that Dabriel is the cure to every and any illness, so I've been writing them at every possible up out of nowhere just like most of my Dabriel fics do. I'm really obsessed with Gabriel and I adore getting inside his head, as much as I do Dean's, and I've been thinking a lot about the family Gabriel had to leave behind lately, thinking about it so much that this happened as a result. Hope anyone who reads likes.
Song Featured: 10 Years' song of the same name. It's hidden at the end of the song 'The Autumn Effect'.
~I'll take the quiet view of life
And leave you to your sorted strife
I'll take the quiet view…~
The days where he misses his brothers and heaven are the absolute hardest.
When he thinks of the bond he, Mike and Luci shared. All the fun they used to have, the goals they set for themselves and destinies they were all too thrilled and dying in anticipation to live up to. The days where they would soar throughout the sky on their majestically powerful wings, not a care in the world, times where Gabriel would sink effortlessly into happiness and peace of mind.
Too bad it couldn't stay like that for long, had to lead to differences of opinion and arguments.
And then father created humans, beautiful though tragically flawed beings. It was pretty ridiculous to Gabriel, the youngest of the three brothers, at first, incomprehensible that father would make creatures such as this, ones that had nothing much to them and ones that made too many mistakes to count. They were laughable at first, utterly enjoyable to watch when bored and a source of amusement when in the need to get out of one of his rare lows back then. The notion he had was that father was going to take them back, realize a failed attempt at that particular experiment and either pity them or just deem them useless.
What baffled and shocked nearly all was that father loved them, adored them, obsessed over his own unique and unbeatable talent to create a being this perfect, or that's what he deemed them anyway.
Perfect
Lucifer hated it, hated it so much that he grew to hate not only the creation but their very creator whom he had always loved, lived up to and respected beyond belief. It was a connection that Gabriel had always wanted but one he was never able to create. Both his brothers were perfect in his father's eyes and he was just average, someone who would live up to his talents and destiny when expected and someone who no terrific surprises would spur from.
Gabriel thinks he proved all those losers pretty wrong.
Back to an earlier past, everyone pretty much knows what happened as a result of the Morningstar's hate, of his dedication to achieve vengeance and spur on his wrath. He and his father had a falling out, then he and Michael, and after that there was the battle and chaos and banishment Lucifer was forced to endure from their very own father and even after that, Gabriel doesn't know what came next because he left and he promised himself never to go back, never to regret it, never to reveal who he really was to anyone because he was an outsider from that moment on. Had always been an outsider actually.
But just because he never broke these promises doesn't mean that he didn't ever frantically want to.
Gabriel didn't like the humans too much either, but he also couldn't hate them. They were curious and stupid creatures yes, and he could not see his father's undying love for them yet he could see something in them, a change that was happening in their minds at every possible moment. They were becoming smarter and more skilled, they were starting to form complex thoughts and grasping in the all-consuming darkness for the emotion of love.
Maybe that was why he pretty much stayed on the sidelines throughout all of this.
Then, growing tired and restless from the constant fighting of the only family he ever had, he abandoned them in a sense, though he wouldn't admit it back then, and never looked back. He wasn't too sure that he could allow himself to cut off his connection with heaven completely, though he learned quickly that it was a must.
If he wanted to create a new life for himself, a brand new identity, he would have to suck it up and sever all angelic ties. No matter how much he loathed himself for doing this very thing.
Fitting into Loki's guise was more than just fun, it was exhilarating. Not to mention that the trickster was very similar to him in a lot of ways, such as his knack for causing mischief and his hatred for humans who did stupid and terrible things. Being Loki was better than being himself though. He got away with more, could actually enact deliciously laughable revenge on these evildoers, let them believe that karma was biting them in the ass while he admired the enjoyable view of their unsympathetic turned suffering minds and their screams of agony, which he was all too pleased to listen to even though tuning them out remained a viable option.
As Gabriel he was more powerful, obviously, but as Loki he was powerful enough, and he could truthfully use that power to his own advantage. He was in direct contact with humans all the time, he could control them, get them to do things that they would never dream of doing.
It was fun, for a long time, and then he got bored, as always, and decided to try something new. What that was he never found out, never found out until he saw him.
Dean Winchester.
It wasn't just the way he looked, though let him tell you with the widest smirk on his face imaginable that it was at least half of the reason. Those luscious lips pulled back into a pout, that strong impulse to just keep going on and on and on in dizzying circles with his brother even when the going got more than just tough. With everything that was thrown their way, hell and loss and pain he just kept on coping, kept on telling the world to come after him with all it had.
That got Gabriel's gears spinning in his vessel's head again, made him think of heaven and his brothers and all the little things he had left behind along with them. He tried to avoid it, suppress it but it was no good. With even a mere thought of Dean longing just invaded him and had no hope of escaping.
Gabriel started to think of humans again, on how he once looked upon them, with distaste but general amusement and curiosity, and how far they've come since those faraway days. Dean was the prime example of this, on what made humans unique and good, love and the urge to protect and the importance of family, something which Gabriel had long forgotten.
It was Dean's relationship with his brother that drew him in, it was the small family that he maintained that caused him to have a closer look.
It was Dean who brought him back to life.
And it truly wasn't just the way he looked, but it was who he was, what his values were, the reasons behind why he kept trudging on through the muck of life.
Dean was beautiful, in more ways than just a few, and that startling truth had made him come to the light...
~OA~~
He feels Dean jerk awake beside him, his body shaking on the bed, the flimsy mattress, overheated form jolting away from the pillows then falling still as he catches sight of him awake. Gabriel doesn't look over, just continues to stare at the wall and hope that Dean doesn't say anything. It's been a bit too much for him lately, the whole 'becoming human' thing and he can't face Dean's apparent disappointment and concern on a sleepless, haunting night such as this.
"Gabe?"
"Go back to sleep, Dean."
Gabriel watches Dean for only a moment out of the corner of his eye, notices his eyes are wide and worried and Gabriel really doesn't want to do this right now, not when he needs to think and remember and adjust and not when Dean should be sleeping, far away from nightmares that continue to plague him to this day. Nightmares Gabriel couldn't take away even if he tried.
He didn't even realize before that his hands were and still are continuing to filter through Dean's short hair, rubbing through the spikes in the same gentle motion affectionately. It's second nature to crave to feel Dean at every possible moment, to calm him down and provide comfort where it's needed whilst in the throes of one of his nightmares.
Dean doesn't attempt to pull away, doesn't make it clear in any way, shape or form that he doesn't crave Gabriel doing this as well.
"Are you…"
"Shhh", he leans over to kiss the human's sweaty forehead, his thoughts still a million miles away from him yet he will always come back down, even if only a tiny bit, for Dean when he needs him. "Go back to sleep. I'm fine."
Dean pauses before sinking back into the pillows, curling himself around Gabriel and on instinct, not able to prevent the warm smile that slips across his face, Gabriel copies the motion so they are holding one another, entwined together, seeming to be one perfect entity.
"Wake me up at dawn", he yawns widely and closes his eyes, allowing the archangel turned human to return back to his overcrowded mind and murky thoughts.
He murmurs, "Love you too, Deano."
~OA~~
Gabriel doesn't wake Dean up at dawn. Whether it's because the human's currently engaged in the deepest sleep he's had in weeks, or because he wants to be alone for just a little while longer Gabriel doesn't know, doesn't care. He'll take all the extra time he needs.
He slips out of bed carefully, the sounds of Dean lightly snoring still comforting him, providing him with that safe environment that Dean always provides, as he slips on a shirt and makes his way out of the bedroom, making sure to shut the door behind him before he heads downstairs to make himself a cup of coffee. He loves coffee now, loves how it takes his slowly dissipating headaches away and gives him energy to do the little things and sometimes more.
He's getting better and he knows Dean will be proud of him for that. Is already proud.
Dean probably wanted to go for a walk but that could wait until later. Gabriel figures he can even call Sam over during the afternoon for him to join the two. It would be a nice little change for the both of them.
Gabriel can hardly believe himself thinking that, let alone labeling it as second nature. Falling has indeed made him sappier but he's still proud to have been able to retain the vast majority of his charm and talent for tricks. It's the whole adjustment thing that's killing him, being forced to get used to both the big and little things, and believe him, the little things can be even worse than the big.
Like when Dean found an abandoned house on the beach and claimed it as his own, taking the newly turned Gabriel along with him, who couldn't do much at the time but cower in a ball in the backseat of the Impala claiming that the sun hurt his eyes and his head was exploding. He had to figure lots of stuff out too, because Dean couldn't help him on everything. Those sharp pangs in his stomach that he later found out meant he was hungry, the way his eyes teared up and his throat went dry and he burst into tears, as Sam termed it anyway, at random moments that couldn't be controlled in the slightest.
He felt so bad for Dean, knowing he felt as if he were at a loss, scolding Gabriel when he stayed too long out in the sun and his back was so red and it burned for days on end unrelentingly, comforting him when he couldn't cope with taking showers or eating three meals a day or going for walks or just missing candy and practically it was everything for him, all at once, all too much.
What's worse is that that was only four weeks ago.
Dean isn't known for pushing, he's basically figured out that it was the wrong move by the end of the first week after falling, in a fit of rage told Gabriel to suck up his emotions and be the equivalent of what a man was supposed to be. Well, you can pretty much tell Gabriel didn't take that too well, ended up hitting Dean harder than he wanted to and his cheek had been bruised for days.
An angry red scar to remind him that Dean is fragile and he still needs to keep control of himself.
So yeah, he's lost control and he's become infinitely more emotional and even more aggressive in a way, seeking violence and anger as a way to get his mind off of being human, the tragedy that had befallen him as a consequence of ripping his grace out.
Dean's put up with much more of that and he hasn't judged him in the slightest, not one single time after that one. He's pretty much left him alone to his coping and his thoughts and sometimes Gabriel hates that because he feels guilty, a distinctly human emotion that he loathes.
The weather's really changeable where he is, Gabriel's trying to decide whether he likes this or not. Then again, he has to pick a team on a lot of things.
He hates the cold weather and he hates the hot weather, the cool weather and the warm weather, hates the weather that isn't cold or hot but just mild and supposedly bearable. He hates everything, being forced to ask Dean what clothes he's supposed to wear based on the temperature outside, Dean fretting over him when he allows it, asking him every five minutes whether he's too hot or too cold when Gabriel has a hard enough time distinguishing between the two because sometimes he's so cold it burns and other times he's so hot it freezes his bones.
Gabriel thinks he may just hate humanity in general, but by the third week he begins to realize that this isn't entirely true. He loves being human with Dean, despite his inability to remove his nightmares like he once was, loves to not have to just watch Dean when he eats or sleeps, but instead engage in the activity as well.
He'll put up with the sleepless nights while he's still adjusting because it gives him time to think and allows him to revel upon Dean's gorgeous form and disheveled hair, a time where Dean sheds his pride and masculinity in order to share his bed with his boyfriend and sleep when he can, in order to give Gabriel someone to sleep next to and someone to comfort him.
When Gabriel thinks of this his heart swells with love. But then when Gabriel thinks of being human he starts to hate everything in sight again.
It is getting more bearable though, it is getting to the point where he enjoys Dean's company more than he usually would.
As long as he can control his fists, that is.
~OA~~
After his third cup of coffee he slips out of the beach house and heads down to the water, the wind picking up as he walks, nearly knocking him over at first though he still presses on through the bitter cold, too determined to brush his unruly and overgrown hair off his forehead and wrap his arms around himself.
Dean will kill him if he finds out he's come outside, both without him and with nothing to wear except for a measly shirt and pants.
Gabriel doesn't care though, sometimes all he wants to do is feel the weather how it's supposed to be felt. The sun burning his back, making it peel and burn and causing him to thrash and squirm when Dean tries to rub that weird cold stuff all over it. The cold seeming to freeze his insides enough so that it blocks out Luci and Mike and father and heaven. All of it. Blocks out the strong feeling that he is letting Dean down, preventing him from hunting and fulfilling his own needs and living his own life.
The sand is cold beneath his toes for a change, the wind so fierce that it whips across his feet and into his face, his mouth spitting out sand, body soon drenched in it and the unrelenting cold.
He looks out across the ocean, wondering how it can still be beautiful even in winter, when the water is choppy and dull and hypothermic. He doesn't dip his toes in the dark blue water at the shore even though he wants to, doesn't want Dean to have to deal with the consequences like he's always forced to, simply stands there and remarks upon the beauty of this place, the beauty that Dean gave to him…
"Hey! What are you doing out here?" Dean's hand is on his shoulder before he even turns around to face him, not wearing much himself besides a shirt and sweat pants. He seems impatient, slightly angry and Gabriel wishes that Dean didn't have to see him like this today, distant and without basic human thought, primarily missing the need to take care of himself.
"Come back inside, you'll freeze to death." His eyes search his own frantically, dulled hazel melting into dimming amber, hand tightening on his shoulder as if he's afraid his boyfriend will slip right through his fingers.
Gabriel steps away from the ocean and closer to the human he adores to reassure him. Dean's eyes contract slightly as his worry lessens.
He turns to him fully now, "How do you do it, Dean?"
"Do what?" He steps closer so that they are close enough to kiss, something which Gabriel grows instantly warm at.
"Remember all these things, live with them. I feel like such a fuckup sometimes, like I'm never going to get the hang of it. And seeing you go through the motions so perfectly just makes me hate you sometimes."
Dean just stares at him, his look full of a mix of confusion, shock and understanding, not a hint of judgment anywhere or lingering anger. He wants to urge the other human to go back inside even though he knows Dean won't go without him, wants to remark on how cold he must be even though since he is human Dean can say the same now.
Gabriel will go back inside for him, but only him.
"I'm not perfect you know", Dean laughs for a second, labeling Gabriel's statement as ridiculous and on another day it may have angered him but today, the way Dean says it, just makes him want to hug him and apologize for everything that's happened since that day. He knows it'd be a waste of time in doing so though, because Dean already knows everything he'd ever try to say.
Dean leans closer and kisses him gently then, causing Gabriel's cheeks to redden a little which is just something else he hates about being human yet causes his boyfriend to laugh all the same. He loves Dean's laugh though, how carefree and rare it is, how it's far more beautiful sounding than the human could ever realize. He'd rip his grace out again if he could just hear Dean laugh like that more often.
And then the other human takes him by the hand firmly and leads him back up to their house, through the porch and into the kitchen, setting him down and preparing them both large cups of hot chocolate before sitting down beside him at the breakfast bar, staring outside the small window at the wind picking up and the tall trees swaying with its force.
"It'll get…"
Dean bites his tongue and settles for taking his first sip of cocoa. Gabriel knows Dean doesn't want to finish that sentence because he has said it so many times, meant it so many times but Gabriel could never stand it. Though maybe he can stand it now.
"Better", Gabriel finishes.
Dean looks over at him, wants to kiss him again but Gabriel beats him happily to the chase.
Their lips part for breath, "I know it does. I know that you wouldn't lie to me, Deano. No matter how much it would make you feel better." Dean just looks at him, guilt lining his features but Gabriel can only kiss it away with a chocolatey mouth that still constantly craves candy.
"I got you some lollipops and M&M's", Dean gasps out through pants, Gabriel's body pushed close and only pushing closer to him, his tongue licking the chocolate up greedily that rests on Dean's luscious lips and around his delicious mouth.
"Good", he slips his tongue into Dean's mouth once more, grins widely at Dean's low moan of delight and surprise and happiness all rolled together to form one gooey little center of such a glorious human. "You first, them later."
Dean smiles and kisses deeper.
The thing is, Dean will always be beside him, will always see him for who he is besides a failed human, will never judge him but always love him, will forever lay down his life for him, smile when he needs it most. Some days it'll be enough, other days it won't, but right now… right now it's enough.
Right now, Dean's enough.
FIN