I had one more night before Captain would come home. The children had such a wonderful time with me as I broke all the rules for them. They got to wear the play clothes I made for them, I took them on outings, we sang songs and we actually had fun. After all that the children have been through and after all the terror they pretended to be, they are just sweet souls that want to enjoy life. They reminded me of myself. I already feel that if I leave this duty with only one gift from the children it would be they gave myself back to me.
Their father, on the other hand, made me question everything I thought and felt. As much as I could dislike him for the way he treats his children and for the way he treated me when I first arrived here, there was something that I couldn't help but like about him. Sure, he is a rather handsome man but I guess like the children he could be a really softie at heart. Maybe he just needs to be shown love. That makes me laugh because supposedly he does have this lady friend and I'm sure he gets love from her. Maybe. Oh, I should pray.
"Our Father," I recite as I kneel and make the sign of the cross. "Who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our day bread and forgive us our trespasses; as we forgive those who trespass against us..."
The Captain. Oh my, what am I thinking and doing? Thank the Lord that my sisters at the abbey cannot read my mind! Sister Berthe would not make me kiss the floor; she would have me mop the floor with my tongue if she knew! The children, Maria, think of the children.
"Hail Mary," I begin to recite next. "Full of grace. The Lord is with thee. Blessed art thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death. Amen."
Yes, dear Mother Mary. This prayer has more of a hold on me than ever before. I feel that the Blessed Mother has been with me ever since I've taken on this task of governess. I certainly didn't know how I would be in this role of mother figure to these motherless children. In just this short time, I have come to love and care for these seven little darlings. These past days have proven to me that I am on the right path, God's path. I honestly don't know about life without these children anymore. Yet, I am only here until September and then a new wave of anxiety creeps up in me.
"The Lord is my shepard," I recite. "I shall not be in want. He leadeth me to green pastures; he lay me beside quiet waters. Even as I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me. Thy rod and thy staff; they comfort me."
Psalm 23 never fails to soothe me whenever I feel troubled or in doubt. Even in my darkest hours leading to death, he would be with me. I make the sign of the cross and crawl into bed. I try not to think about the children or their father but of God. He will be the one I return to when my work is done here and I have to remember that He is not a temporary. Just like Captain's trip to Vienna is only temporary; he will be home tomorrow and I wonder if he will be happy to see the children so happy. I will be happy to see everyone happy and then I know I would fulfill God's work. Then, I would anyway even if they weren't happy, I think. Oh, I don't know. I just know that I'm doing the best I can and it's odd that I would be happy to see Captain home again...