Thank You, Heavenly
Theme Song: "Let It Roll" by Divide the Day
SEASON 5
EPISODE 13
Airdate: November 27, 2016
"You're Welcome, Hellish" (100TH EPISODE)
Special Guest Stars: Corey Burton as Intro Voiceover, Russell Wilson as Himself
#TYH513
SCENE 1
(A black screen shows the date "JUNE 24, 2012")
VOICEOVER: It all started four years ago...
The first clip is the first scene of the pilot episode.
BUSTER: Anyone see Wings last night?
WADE: Dude, that show doesn't come on anymore.
BUSTER: Yeah, it does.
SPARKY: On what channel?
BUSTER: Bounce, that new network.
VOICEOVER: And 100 episodes later, the adventures have become bigger, badder, and better.
("Ladies and Gentlemen" by Saliva plays in the background)
A montage of clips are then shown highlighting the past 99 episodes, including: RK, Buster, and Buster's father trying to get back home in "A Thank You, Heavenly Christmas," the boys' plans to get into the Mercedes-Benz Superdome in "Super Bowl Cum-Day," *NSYNC's guest appearance in "The One Where RK Understands POP," the protest in "Never Forget the Dream," RK and Buster gambling in "Viva Las TSE," Jaylynn attacking the fifth graders in "Fourth Grade Friday," the dance finale in "Wade's Birthday, Jaylynn's Bitch-day," both of Cimorelli's guest appearances, Wade and Buster getting attacked by President Obama, Sparky and Jaylynn assaulting Emily and her friends in the lunchroom, both of RK and Wade's time travel adventures, the Body Swap debut, the War Games from "The Field Day from Hell," and many others from seasons three and four.
VOICEOVER: Now it's time for another adventure.
WADE: Sometimes, I wonder what life would be like if we were normal kids.
VOICEOVER: Thank You, Heavenly proudly welcomes you to the 100th episode extravaganza!
The song ends when the intro cuts to the portrait of the guys from "Papa Crazy."
SCENE 2
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Lunchroom
Seattle, Washington
The guys are all eating together.
RK: So I woke up this morning, I was wiping the crust from my eyes, my mojo was working, and KG asks me, "What do you want to eat this morning?" And I'm just sitting there, like, what the hell? How would I know what to eat so fast? Am I supposed to magically know what to eat when I wake up? It's ridiculous. Hey Wade, that's an idea. Think about it.
WADE: RK, I'm not going to spend my time creating a device that allows people to know exactly what they want to eat. Okay, maybe I will. But I need time for that. My schedule's been crazy lately.
BUSTER: With what?
WADE: Well, homework, tinkering with some stuff in the lab, extra credit, tutoring, time with Adriana. Being me isn't as easy as I make it look.
BUSTER: Man, I wish I was good enough to make being me look easy.
RK: To me, your life looks like a freaking cakewalk.
BUSTER: Really? Oh my God, thank you.
At that point, static can be heard from the loudspeakers, causing the kids to cover their ears.
JAYLYNN: Dumbass school with their low-ass funds and shit.
PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: Attention children. Is this thing on, Karen? Oh, great, it is. I won't have to do my Robin Williams impression. Anyway, children, next Friday, we're going to decide the new name for iCarly Elementary School. Now a lot of you have sent in submissions, but only one has been deemed good enough to be the namesake for our learning environment. We hope to see you at the assembly next Friday. Because you all have to go. That is all.
SPARKY: I can't believe they're actually changing the name of this school.
BUSTER: I know. It's like the end of an era.
RK: Well, don't look at me. I mean, for weeks, I've been dropping subliminals about this school and how they run things. But no, old man Jennings was just going crazy once again. He ain't know nothing about school. I mean, for crying out loud, I even protested. But now that you see the way shit goes down, you beg for mercy and ask me to save you. Well, I'm not Jesus. You guys are on your own here.
Beat.
JAYLYNN: What the f*** are you talking about, man?
SPARKY: Yeah, no one even said anything to you.
RK: Well, I'm predicting what you're about to say and I knew you were gonna deny it so don't sweat it. You guys make me sick, the all of ya's.
SCENE 3
Ike's Ice Cream Emporium
Interior Booth
Seattle, Washington
After school, the guys are all eating ice cream sundaes except for Wade, who's writing in his notebook.
BUSTER: You know, it feels like just yesterday that we named that school after iCarly. I mean, after the show ended, it was our idea to get that statue put up.
RK: Wasn't that statue melted down the summer after that?
BUSTER: Hey. We made a difference that year. Now I know how the Native Americans felt when Columbus took their land.
SPARKY: I, um...I wouldn't compare this situation to that one. But you're right. The iCarly name is a part of our school and they can't change it. If we let them get away with this, we're just allowing them to do the same thing later.
JAYLYNN: You know, you guys could just let them change the name. I mean, it doesn't look like the principal can be swayed. His hands are tied.
Beat.
BUSTER: You're a fraud.
JAYLYNN: What?
BUSTER: You fraud! You were always about the revolution and sticking up for justice and stuff, and now you want to stick up for the man? Shameful.
SPARKY: I have to say, Jaylynn, I never imagined you having this attitude.
RK: See, guys? There's a difference between the real and the phonies. The phonies always expose themselves in times like these.
JAYLYNN: I wanna punch you so hard in the face right now.
RK: And I wanna kick your teeth down your throat, but we can't always get what we want.
JAYLYNN: Look, I know what I just said sounded weird, but I don't know if you guys can win this one. I mean, I'd love to beat the system and bust some heads but I think we're just going to have to take the L this time.
RK: How do you even go to sleep at night knowing you're you?
Jaylynn gives RK an angry stare.
BUSTER: Hey Wade, what are you working on?
WADE: Oh, nothing, just some sketches.
BUSTER: Really? For what?
WADE: Nothing, just some personal, um...sketches.
RK: You're pausing, not knowing what to say next, darting your eyes back and forth, keeping your stuff hidden. Aww, you have your own little secret.
JAYLYNN: Which means, as his friends, we have to figure out a way to get it out of him. Right, Wade?
Jaylynn looks at the empty space in the booth, and the camera pulls back to reveal that Wade had already left the booth and on his way towards the door.
WADE: Yeah, I don't think so.
Wade leaves the restaurant. Beat.
JAYLYNN: How was he able to...
SPARKY: I have no idea.
SCENE 4
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
The next morning, Sparky runs his hand through his hair and opens the front door on his way to school. He sees that Buster is already there.
SPARKY: Buster, what are you doing here? Oh yeah, right, it's Carpool Day.
BUSTER: Do you think we can stop at Wade's place? I want to know more about what he was working on yesterday.
SPARKY: Eh, I don't know. Don't you think it's a dick move to go over there and just find out something we probably shouldn't know?
BUSTER: Eh, I guess. But I'm a curious boy. I wanna know stuff. Plus, I'm pretty sure it's harmless. It's probably just some super cool science thing that he wants to hog for himself.
SPARKY: Like what?
BUSTER: A baseball with a bunch of tiny lasers hidden inside. A machine that shoots any image that exists in the world into your brain so you can remember it forever. Or a pizza that magically grows back.
SPARKY: A pizza that grows back?
BUSTER: Yeah, think about it. You finish the last slice of your pepperoni pizza, and just when you think it's gone for good, all the slices come back on your tray. You'll never run out of pizza again!
SPARKY: That does sound pretty cool. Alright, Curious George, let's go see what Wade's up to.
BUSTER: What? Sparky, my name's not George. It's Buster.
Sparky sighs in disappointment.
SCENE 5
The Saltalamacchia Household
Seattle, Washington
Sparky and Buster pull up in front of Wade's house.
SPARKY: Hey, before we go inside, I wanted your opinion on something.
BUSTER: Alright.
SPARKY: You think Jaylynn was right? About what she said?
BUSTER: About me switching my rash cream? Look, I don't know where she gets off, but my skin's just fine right now. There's nothing wrong with taking it slow.
SPARKY: No, not that! I meant, what she said about the school changing its name. Does it really matter?
BUSTER: Of course it does. That name's been a part of our school for years. We can't just let them go ahead and take away that memory. The universe won't be in order.
SPARKY: Okay, so what do we do?
BUSTER: Oh, I don't know. I was just gonna leave it up to the laws and all that other stuff, I have student loans to pay.
Sparky sighs in disappointment again.
SPARKY: Let's just go inside.
The boys walk inside and presumably see Wade watching TV.
SPARKY: What's up, Wade?
WADE 2.0: Who are you guys?
SPARKY: What? I'm Sparky, man. This is Buster. The guys?
WADE 2.0: I'm sorry, I really don't know who you two are. I have it within my rights to call the police for trespassing.
SPARKY: Trespassing? Dude, what the hell's going on here? It's us!
BUSTER: Sparky, I can only think of two options: Wade's either touched, or he has a bad case of amnesia. All we need is a baseball bat, we can get that memory going again.
At that point, another Wade walks downstairs.
WADE: What are you guys doing here?
SPARKY: We're here to...wait, what? Why is there...
BUSTER: Oh my God, Wade has an imposter! DON'T WORRY, WADE, I'LL SAVE YOU!
WADE: STOP. Don't touch him. You guys don't have to worry, this Wade here is my clone.
SPARKY: Really? You cloned yourself?!
WADE: Affirmative. This charming, handsome kid you see right here is an exact copy of me.
BUSTER: But that doesn't make any sense. If he's your clone, then how come he didn't know who we were?
WADE: I knew you were going to ask that and the answer is, I don't know. I'm still working the kinks out so he forgets sometimes. Now, Wade 2.0, these are my friends Sparky and Buster. They're not our enemies, so you do not have to fear them.
WADE 2.0: Understood, Master Wade. I will continue to make strides in assisting you and assisting your lovely friends. I apologize for threatening you two earlier.
BUSTER: He's so sweet. Are you gonna keep him?!
SPARKY: I don't get it, Wade. You've already made so many inventions. Why would you need a clone?
WADE: Well, like I said, my schedule's been crazy lately. I need someone else to carry the load, and if not me, then who else?
BUSTER: Someone else?
Beat.
WADE: Right. Look, can you guys just keep this a secret for now? I didn't want anyone to find out until the clone was perfect but now you know.
SPARKY: Don't worry, Wade. You can count on us.
BUSTER: WADE CLONED HIMSELF!
Sparky and Wade look at Buster with confusion.
BUSTER: I'm sorry, I had to get that out of my system. By the way, if I snitch, are you going to beat me?
SCENE 6
iCarly Elementary School
Exterior Entrance
Seattle, Washington
Sparky pulls up in front of the school with Buster and Wade.
SPARKY: Well, another ordinary day at school.
BUSTER: Guys, I know this is going to be a shocker and I'm going to need you not to scream when I say this, but Wade made a clone. It's at his house right now!
WADE: You're not a very bright kid, are you?
BUSTER: Please, like you weren't already aware of this.
The boys walk in when they see RK and Jaylynn at the lockers.
BUSTER: Sparky, I can't go to school today. I'm scared.
SPARKY: Of what?
BUSTER: Secrets, man! People like to know stuff!
WADE: You see, now, I'm really regretting telling you.
SPARKY: Look, Buster, it's no big deal. RK and Jaylynn probably don't even remember what happened yesterday. Trust me, everything is going to be okay as long as you stay calm.
BUSTER: Alright, Sparky. If you say so, I can do it. Let's get this money.
Buster skips towards RK and Jaylynn.
WADE: You know, you really are the best thing that's ever happened to him.
SPARKY: Really? Oh my God, thank you.
Sparky and Wade follow Buster.
RK: So yeah, I'm thinking about changing my cereal. I just don't see eye to eye with Apple Jacks anymore.
JAYLYNN: You lost already eating cereal from Kellogg's. Hey guys.
SPARKY: What's going down?
WADE: Morning.
BUSTER: Shama lama mocka knocka!
RK: What?
BUSTER: I mean, I'm not a rat if that's what you're thinking. Or a weasel or a tattletale or a dime dropper so don't treat me like that!
RK: Um, okay? So anyway, guys, my inside sources tell me that there are three potential choices for the new name of the school: Peter Stuyvesant Elementary, Bill Gates Elementary, and Jimi Hendrix Elementary.
SPARKY: Personally, I like Hendrix.
RK: Yeah, I think that's the best choice myself. Of course, I'm just glad they ignored my submission for Monty Python Elementary.
JAYLYNN: Why did you send that one in?
RK: Jaylynn, it's Monty Python. Get with the program.
WADE: I'm pretty sure they'll end up going with Bill Gates.
BUSTER: I don't know, I think they might go with the Quaker guy. He sounds important.
JAYLYNN: Peter Stuyvesant's not the Quaker guy.
BUSTER: So who is the Quaker guy?
WADE: HE'S NOBODY, IT'S JUST A DRAWING!
Beat.
BUSTER: You know, you guys are really starting to piss me off. I don't find any of this funny.
RK: Hey, you guys ever wondered what the secret Air Heads flavor is?
BUSTER: Are you kidding me? Are you seriously doing this right now?
RK: What?
BUSTER: I'm on edge right now and you're saying things that I don't support. Stop that.
WADE: The secret flavor is coconut.
JAYLYNN: Way to ruin it for us, Wade.
RK: Yeah, I was just bringing it up! I didn't want someone else to figure it out!
WADE: If you wanted to keep it a mystery...
BUSTER: What mystery? Why does everything have to be a mystery? I'M SICK AND TIRED OF THE MYSTERY!
Buster runs off crying.
JAYLYNN: I'm gonna be honest, this is one of the weirdest f***ing conversations we've ever had.
SCENE 7
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Lunchroom
Seattle, Washington
Sparky and Buster are eating soup together.
SPARKY: Buster, what was that whole running away thing about?
BUSTER: What? Look, Sparky, they put Goldfish crackers in the tomato soup. It's like, they know what kids like me like to eat.
Buster then winks at the camera and stares at it for several seconds while Sparky's eyes widen.
SPARKY: Buster, I think this is the first time in my entire life that I've ever been scared of you.
RK, Wade, and Jaylynn approach the table.
RK: Hey guys, did you know Wade cloned himself?!
JAYLYNN: Yeah. I'm starting to think that this guy could come up with the cure for cancer in his sleep.
SPARKY: You told them?
WADE: Yeah. I'm not about to witness the deterioration of Buster's mental state...whatever's left of it, anyway.
BUSTER: Wait, what happened? Miley Stewart is Hannah Montana?
SPARKY: Wade told RK and Jaylynn about the clone.
BUSTER: Oh, thank God. Wade, I was about to piss my pants by keeping this secret. Now I know how those Penn State coaches felt.
Beat.
JAYLYNN: Wait, we're allowed to say that on live TV?
BUSTER: Why not?
RK: Wait a minute. How dare you tell them about the clone before you tell me? You betrayed my trust!
WADE: They walked in and saw it with their own eyes, dingus. I had no choice but to tell them.
RK: Oh. We're still boys, right?
WADE: RK, you...yeah. Look, I don't want you guys to feel like you have to keep this a secret from anybody, but for the protection of my work, I would appreciate it if this stays within the group.
BUSTER: So what am I supposed to tell you guys about Wade cloning himself? OH NO, I SPILLED THE BEANS!
Beat.
WADE: Sparky, can you please take over? I'm done talking.
SPARKY: Sure. Look, all we need to do is just keep it to ourselves. The clone's not perfect yet, and if everyone else finds out, then they're going to want their own clone too.
RK: You know, that gives me an idea. We should all have our own clones.
WADE: And that's when I tell you exactly why that idea is going to backfire.
RK: Look, Wade, you made that clone so you could get help with your schedule. If we have one, it can help us with our lives too.
JAYLYNN: It's not a bad idea. I mean, I would love having another clone to help me with my Jaylynn stuff.
BUSTER: You know, Jaylynn, I've been meaning to ask you for a long time, but...what exactly is Jaylynn stuff?
JAYLYNN: Whatever you think it is.
BUSTER: So you're really choking yourself in the bathtub?
JAYLYNN: Why the f*** would you think that?
BUSTER: You said it's whatever I think it is. If that's the case, then you're a freak and you're hiding something.
WADE: You guys are weird. Look, RK, I'm not going to waste my time cloning all of us. I have enough problems trying to perfect my own clone.
RK: You know, the sooner you get that stick out of your ass, the sooner we can get this party started. Look, why don't you just whip up a couple clones and see how they work? If they suck, you can always kill them and never mention it again.
Beat.
WADE: I don't know what it is that makes you so persuasive. Alright, I'll give it a shot.
SCENE 8
The Saltalamacchia Household
Interior Basement
Seattle, Washington
Wade is about to operate his cloning machine, with the guys all inside one pod. An empty pod is on the other side of the machine.
WADE: Are you guys ready yet?
Camera cuts to Sparky, Buster, RK, and Jaylynn all talking to each other inside the pod.
WADE: Oh, that's right, they can't hear me. Oh, well.
Wade moves the lever on his machine and a burst of electricity comes through the empty pod. At that point, clones of Sparky, Buster, RK, and Jaylynn walk out of their pod as the original versions do the same.
BUSTER: Oh my God, it's like I'm looking in a mirror. Except it's really not!
SPARKY: Wade, I think you've outdone yourself. This is incredible. What do they do exactly?
WADE: Ask away. I programmed them to be exact copies of you.
WADE 2.0: That was a fantastic idea, Wade Classic.
WADE: Thank you, Wade 2.0. I thought so too.
SPARKY: So, second Sparky, what do you like to do?
SPARKY 2.0: Everything you do, original Sparky. I'm here to help in any way I can. Maybe one day, I can be a leader like you.
SPARKY: *chuckles* Pffft, you don't mean that.
RK: I don't really buy that this is my clone. The sideburns are totally imbalanced, that's for one. Plus, I've actually lost a few pounds so I guess that will be downloadable content if you know what I mean.
RK 2.0: You don't have any sideburns.
RK: That was a test! Welcome to RK's world, brother boy. You'll either feel like a king or feel like white trash. I'm not either of those things, but I have my moments.
JAYLYNN: Hey clone, could you make me a sammitch?
JAYLYNN 2.0: When we get home. And it's called a sandwich.
JAYLYNN: People in the south say that.
JAYLYNN 2.0: They do?
JAYLYNN: I don't know, I just want my frigging sammitch.
BUSTER: Hey, so if you hurt yourself, will I feel it too?
BUSTER 2.0: I don't know. Let me see.
Buster's clone punches himself in the eye.
BUSTER 2.0: Did you feel it?
BUSTER: No.
BUSTER 2.0: Okay, it's not a lost cause. Let me stab myself in the chest with this pen.
Buster takes the pen away from his clone.
BUSTER: Hey, watch it! You're going to hurt yourself, little fella.
BUSTER 2.0: Of course. If I die, you might die. It all adds up!
Buster looks confused momentarily and turns to RK.
BUSTER: You know, I'm starting to think that this clone's kinda stupid.
RK: Really?
BUSTER: Yeah. I don't know why, but he seems a little slow.
RK: I'm just glad you're finally aware.
SCENE 9
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Lunchroom
Seattle, Washington
The kids are eating lunch together more than a few days later.
SPARKY: Wade, I'm telling you, that clone is a godsend. He cleaned the living room floor last night, tucked me in, and even made breakfast for me and Bitch Clock. Well, actually, these days, all Bitch Clock has for breakfast is a dog dish with tequila in it but I'm glad he cared enough to do it.
WADE: Well, I'm happy your clone is working out for you, Sparky. I can't understand why mine isn't up to my standards yet. I mean, they're not ridiculously high. Just moderately high.
JAYLYNN: I don't like my clone. She's always being snarky and coming up with weird catchphrases.
RK: Like what?
JAYLYNN: Like, last night, I was eating a cheeseburger because she didn't want to make me a sammitch, and the bitch goes, "Where's the beef?" And then she starts laughing like that's funny.
RK: Dude, "Where's the beef?" is a classic expression.
JAYLYNN: Well, I wouldn't know. I need to tell her to get on my level when it comes to catchphrases.
BUSTER: Hey, do you think my stupid clone would mind going to the dentist in my place this weekend?
SPARKY: Well, you're the one with the check-up. I don't think that's gonna work out.
BUSTER: Oh, I hate the dentist. I would do anything to get out of it.
RK 2.0: Wade, if RK can have me go to school in his place, why can't Buster do the same with his own clone?
WADE: Because, RK, that involves...wait a minute, aren't you RK?
RK 2.0: No, I'm his clone. I go to school for him now.
JAYLYNN: That son of a bitch.
SPARKY: Classic RK, always trying to find a way to get around things.
BUSTER: You have to admit, that was pretty genius.
Ashley walks up to Buster.
ASHLEY: Hi Buster.
BUSTER: Hey. I can finally tell you what happened to me last night.
WADE: Buster, don't.
RK 2.0: Come on, man, not like this.
BUSTER: What are you guys talking about? Anyway, Ashley, I...
Sparky proceeds to cover Buster's mouth.
SPARKY: Buster forgot that he's actually not supposed to talk. He needs to save his voice.
ASHLEY: For what?
SPARKY: Oh, well, on Friday, he's giving a speech at the library to a bunch of inner-city kids. Yeah, um...he's trying to get them to stay off drugs and become dancers.
ASHLEY: I know you're lying to me, Sparky.
SPARKY: HALLEY, ASHLEY'S TRYING TO KISS ME!
ASHLEY: What? No, I'm not!
Halley walks up to Ashley and stares at her.
HALLEY: Ashley, come with me to the bathroom.
ASHLEY: Halley, I didn't do anything.
HALLEY: Yeah, about that, I have reasons not to believe you. Let's go.
Halley pulls Ashley out of the lunchroom.
SPARKY: That was a close call. Buster, what were you thinking blabbing to Ashley about the clones?
BUSTER: Okay, first of all, no one's going to buy that I'm getting kids to stay off drugs. It's not 1988.
RK 2.0: He has a point.
JAYLYNN: Jesus, you talk just as much as the real RK.
BUSTER: And second of all, I was just going to tell Ashley about me finding the lucky socks she gave me for my birthday last year.
WADE: What makes them so lucky?
BUSTER: Well, I only wore them twice, but the first time I wore them, I got a B on my history test. And the second time I wore them, I found an expired coupon for deodorant on the street. I'm telling you, I have the juice when I wear those socks.
SPARKY: Oh. Well, now I feel like an ass. I just got Ashley in trouble for no reason.
JAYLYNN: You should probably let Halley know nothing happened.
SPARKY: Yeah. Because if I don't, she's most likely going to be on the next episode of Snapped.
Sparky leaves the lunchroom.
RK 2.0: Oh yeah, Jaylynn, RK told me to tell you that you're a dipshit.
JAYLYNN: Well, you can tell RK to blow it out his ass.
BUSTER: Wait, how are you guys talking to RK if he's not here?
RK's clone, Wade, and Jaylynn all sigh at the same time.
SCENE 10
The Saltalamacchia Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Wade is given an unknown pink solution by his clone while doing his homework.
WADE: Wade 2.0, why did you give me this?
WADE 2.0: You wanted me to inspect this sample, your superior.
WADE: Yeah, but I wanted you to wait until it was clear and then call me down. I didn't want to touch it until it was ready.
WADE 2.0: Oh. Well, what do I do now?
WADE: Go back and inspect it until it becomes clear, then you can let me know. You understand?
WADE 2.0: Yes, your superior, I understand.
Wade's clone goes back to the basement and RK enters at that point.
RK: I'm the real RK just so you know.
WADE: RK, what am I going to do about my clone? He's still making mistakes and I don't think he takes direction well.
RK: Well, you are kind of a ball buster. Maybe he's scared of you.
WADE: No, I told him to be honest if something was bothering him. I just need to make a few adjustments so he can be perfect.
RK: Wade, nobody in this world can be perfect. It's what makes life so beautiful and disgusting at the same time.
WADE: I guess you're right. How's your clone doing?
RK: Oh, he's perfection, bro. Top notch quality. I asked him to stick a pencil in his ear, and he did! What an idiot!
WADE: Why would you ask him to stick a pencil in his ear?
RK: Because I can. Wade, that clone does whatever I want it to. And to think, all these years I could have used someone that looks just like me and acts just like me to be me. God, I love technology.
WADE: So are you going to use your clone for your dates with Anna?
RK: No way. That sumbitch has to pay his dues, no free rides.
SCENE 11
The Newman Condominium
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Sparky and Buster are watching TV that night.
VOICEOVER: Yo, if you want some KFC, then let me excite ya, with this brand new deal that's gonna delight ya! Chicken, biscuits, and cake for five dollars! So if you're down with that, just holla holla holla!
COLONEL SANDERS: Who are you? And what's this hippity hop garbage you're talking about?
VOICEOVER: It's brand new, man, you smell me?
Sparky changes the channel.
BUSTER: Why did you change it?
SPARKY: I didn't like where that commercial was going.
Buster's clone comes in with several different shirts.
BUSTER 2.0: Hey Buster, check it out. I ironed all your shirts and cut holes in them!
BUSTER: What?! Why would you do that?
BUSTER 2.0: Your style's a little plain. You need to jazz it up a little bit.
BUSTER: You idiot, I bought these shirts at the grocery store for a bargain! Did you at least remember to fill up my car with gas?
BUSTER 2.0: I sure did. It's now resting comfortably in the middle of the street.
BUSTER: WHAT?!
BUSTER 2.0: Relax. It's not like anybody's going to crash into it.
Buster gets a telephone call at that point.
BUSTER: Hello? Yeah, this is the Newman condo. I'm Buster. I'm not the Newman condo itself, I'm Buster. What?! Car accident?! Fines?! Come to the precinct now for questioning?! Stop repeating everything you say like a parrot?!
Buster ends the call.
SPARKY: What happened?
BUSTER: Well, thanks to Peter Griffin's long lost son over here, I have to go to the police station to talk about the car crash that took place tonight. Apparently, when he left the car in the middle of the street, someone else crashed into it and it caused a pile-up. You have your car, right?
SPARKY: No. My clone and I walked over here.
BUSTER: Crap. Well, let's just take the bus. We need to sit in the back because I know some old lady is going to take my seat in the front and I have no patience right now.
SPARKY: You guys stay here. We'll be back soon.
BUSTER 2.0: Is there anything I can do to help?
BUSTER: You've done enough damage, you stupid dumb dumb dodo. Seriously, my life was way better without a clone.
Sparky and Buster leave while Buster's clone slowly walks to the kitchen. Sparky's clone is working on origami.
SPARKY 2.0: My origami is really coming along. Check out the swan I made. No, wait, it's a turtle with a gross-looking neck. Well, there's always next time. What is it with you?
BUSTER 2.0: Buster yelled at me. He thinks I'm a dumbass all because I tried to help him.
SPARKY 2.0: Well, Buster's not exactly Einstein if you catch my drift. You shouldn't have to take anything from him.
BUSTER 2.0: I'm not a dumbass. I'm a smartass.
SPARKY 2.0: Okay, that's a way to go. You should get your revenge.
BUSTER 2.0: Yeah, but how?
Buster's clone gets a phone call at that point.
BUSTER 2.0: Hello. Are you the ice cream man?
WADE 2.0: I'm Wade's clone, Buster.
BUSTER 2.0: What did you do with the ice cream man?
WADE 2.0: Don't piss me off tonight. Look, grab Sparky's clone and tell him to meet the rest of us in front of the abandoned warehouse on Pickett Street. I think it's time the guys realized we're not their slaves.
BUSTER 2.0: Cool! I was just talking about getting revenge earlier! What a cowinky dinkery doo dah dillie pillie!
Buster's clone hangs up and starts reading the newspaper.
SPARKY 2.0: What did Wade's clone want?
BUSTER 2.0: Huh? Oh, I don't know. Something about shoo fly pie.
A time lapse shows that Sparky #2 and Buster #2 are still doing the same thing 45 minutes later. Buster's clone then gets a phone call.
BUSTER 2.0: Hey Wade. What's up?
WADE 2.0: Where are you guys?! We've been here at the warehouse for twenty minutes!
BUSTER 2.0: What? But you said you were bringing over the shoo fly pie.
WADE 2.0: I NEVER SAID THAT, YOU MORON!
Beat.
BUSTER 2.0: Dad wanted us to do that together, and you chose to leave me out. Those were OUR memories!
Wade's clone sighs.
WADE 2.0: I don't know why Wade made you so stupid.
SCENE 12
The MacDougal Household
Interior Bedroom
Seattle, Washington
Sparky wakes up and yawns, then scratches himself.
SPARKY: Huh. That's weird. I thought my clone was making breakfast again. Where's the scent of applewood-smoked bacon?
Sparky hears muffled screaming at that point. It appears to be coming from the closet.
SPARKY: Bitch Clock, is that you?
Sparky walks closer and closer to the closet until he opens it and sees a bound and gagged Bitch Clock, with a note near him.
SPARKY: Bitch Clock, what the hell?! Your BDSM night isn't until next Thursday.
Sparky removes the tape from Bitch Clock's mouth and takes out the sock inside his mouth.
BITCH CLOCK: Dude, it's not me that did this! It's your clone! He went psycho, kicked the crap out of me, and left me in here!
SPARKY: That doesn't sound like Sparkly.
BITCH CLOCK: Sparkly?
SPARKY: Yeah, that's my pet name for him. What are we gonna do?!
BITCH CLOCK: Read the note. Maybe the little bastard left a clue where you can find him.
SPARKY: A note?
Sparky picks up the note.
SPARKY: "Dear Sparky, you're next." Okay, now I'm worried.
Sparky slowly turns around after sensing something behind him and screams when he gets sealed inside a mysterious object.
SCENE 13
The Saltalamacchia Household
Interior Basement
Seattle, Washington
Sparky wakes up and sees that he has been tied to a wooden chair, alongside everyone else in TSE as they sit in a circle.
SPARKY: No. No, what's going on? What happened, Wade?!
WADE: The clones went rogue, Sparky. They turned against us!
Beat.
SPARKY: Of f***ing course.
"Let It Roll" plays as the kids continue to try and break free to no avail.
SCENE 14
The Saltalamacchia Household
Interior Basement
Seattle, Washington
The kids are still struggling to get rid of the rope tying them to their respective chairs.
JAYLYNN: It's so weird. I remember my clone spraying me with something that knocked me out cold. All this time, I just thought she was a smartass. But I tell ya, that bitch got some demons.
RK: After everything I did to take care of my clone. Raising him, taking care of him, feeding him. He repays me with a frying pan to the head.
BUSTER: I can't believe this. I've known that clone my whole life.
WADE: Buster, it's only been two weeks.
SPARKY: Wade, how did this even happen?
WADE: I sensed that my clone was bothered by something, so I asked him about it. Before he could answer me, he ambushed me and we were fighting. I almost had him, but he was too strong and he left me incapacitated. I guess this is his way of not wanting to be controlled anymore.
WADE 2.0: Wow, Sherlock, you figured out the mystery with flying colors. You want a cookie while you're at it, genius?
The clones all surround the guys at that point.
SPARKY: Alright, guys, you had your fun. Now let us go or we're going to the cops with this!
SPARKY 2.0: And tell them what? That your clones attacked you, brought you here, and tied you to chairs in a basement?
Beat.
SPARKY: Wow, you just made me feel like an idiot in less than ten seconds.
RK: Guys, I don't get it. Why? What's the point of this?
RK 2.0: The point is, you guys are phonies and we're gonna make sure everybody knows it.
RK: Are you serious? I'm as real as real can be! I'm the White Mamba for crying out loud!
RK 2.0: That was always a stupid nickname.
RK: Not like you have one, you little piece of shit.
WADE: You guys can't keep us here. The first chance I get, I'm going to make sure I disintegrate every last trace of you all.
BUSTER 2.0: I don't think that's happening.
Buster's clone holds up a remote control.
BUSTER: What does this have to do with watching TV?
BUSTER 2.0: It's the disintegration remote, you stupid dumb dumb dodo. Watch what happens when I be a smartass and smash this crap!
Buster's clone cracks the remote in half and stomps on the pieces.
WADE: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! DO YOU REALIZE WHAT YOU'VE DONE?!
WADE 2.0: Oh, shut up, Wade. Please do everyone a favor and for once, just shut the hell up.
WADE: Excuse me?
WADE 2.0: You're excused, you incompetent disgrace for a scientist. Look, Wade, you need to realize that for years, you've tried passing yourself off as this amazing smart guy who knows everything but in reality, you're just using science to hide the fact that you're a fraud. You hate the fact that you're nowhere near as intelligent as you think you are, so you surround yourself with complete idiots because you know you have nothing important to say and nothing creative to contribute.
RK: Hey, you better lay off of him before I...
RK 2.0: Oh, oh, before what? Before you threaten him with something that you know you're not going to follow through on? You make me sick.
RK: Oh, go ahead and suck on something. How do I make you sick?
RK 2.0: You think you're this one of a kind, cool guy who deserves everything when the truth is, you're nothing more than an everyday idiot. You have no real interests, no ideas, and no talents. You're a lazy, whiny, arrogant little crap who isn't even worth his own birth certificate. I'm scared for you because when you grow up, you're probably going to get yourself killed and it won't be anyone's fault but your own. By the way, you need to cut it out with your stupid-ass references. Nobody cares that you watch TV, RK!
BUSTER: Why don't you guys just leave us alone?
BUSTER 2.0: Why? Are your feelings getting hurt? Do you wanna cry? DO YOU WANT TO FEEL HOW I FELT?!
BUSTER: No.
BUSTER 2.0: Well, you should, because if you ask me, you're the real loser out of everyone in this room. You have the nerve to call me stupid when you probably need your friends around to help you read. All you are is a pathetic, scared little bitch who no girl will ever want their hands on. I'm surprised you even know how to go to school in the morning. You know what you are, Buster? An immature, spineless, brainless sack of nothing!
Beat.
JAYLYNN: It better not be my turn because...
JAYLYNN 2.0: It is, you dickhead.
JAYLYNN: Okay, we're off to a good start.
JAYLYNN 2.0: Did you ever think that the reason you've had trouble making friends your entire life is because you're an absolutely disgusting person to be around? The truth is, you're a waste of everyone's time and yet you think people are out to get you. They're not, Jaylynn. They just hate being around you because you have nothing to offer them. What's your life really about anyway? What purpose do you even have hanging out with these guys? There are 100 million other girls with no family and daddy issues, Jaylynn. You just happened to get lucky.
SPARKY: You know, you assholes are just trying to get under our skin because you don't want to do what we tell you anymore. It's not going to work because...
SPARKY 2.0: Save it for once, Sparky. No one gives a damn what you have to say anymore. Here you go again riding on your high horse with your rah rah speeches like they're supposed to mean something. They don't. You're a crappy leader in a group full of idiots, losers, and frauds. The truth is, you're only leader because you're the only one who doesn't have a real personality! Nobody has to worry about you being funny or entertaining, because all you are is a nice little naive joke of a human being.
WADE: So you got what you wanted. You went after all of us. Now will you please untie us so we can get on with our lives?
WADE 2.0: No, Wade. Don't you get it? You're not going to win this time. Every week, you guys go on some stupid adventure and you think everything is going to be okay just like all those other times. But it's not. You all need to wake up and admit to yourselves that you're awful people. And you know what? We'll spread the word.
JAYLYNN: What the hell do you mean, spread the word?
SPARKY 2.0: It starts at the school today. It's assembly time, which means that everyone is going to be in the auditorium to see the name change. We're going to raise so much hell, and by the time we're done, all your reputations will be going down the shitter.
BUSTER: Oh no. I know you guys aren't playing around now! Only evil people announce their plans!
RK: You're not going to get away with this.
RK 2.0: "You're not going to get away with the widga kapidga." That's how you sound. Like a little bitch.
RK: YOU'RE LUCKY I'M IN HERE OR IT WOULD BE YOUR HEAD!
WADE 2.0: Come on, guys. It's time to make sure everybody knows the truth about Testicular Sound Express.
The clones begin walking up the stairs.
WADE 2.0: Oh, by the way, we're going to kill you guys at the end of all this. Just a heads up. Bye.
Wade's clone leaves the basement.
SPARKY: I can't believe this. They beat us. We're history.
WADE: You know that's not true, Sparky. We have intestinal fortitude! We're going to get out of this and we're going to destroy those clones once and for all!
SPARKY: I like this attitude. What do you suggest we do?
WADE: Oh, I have no idea. I'm just trying to hide the fact that realistically speaking, we're donezo.
The kids all groan and scream at the same time.
SCENE 15
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Sam Puckett Auditorium
Seattle, Washington
All the kids have gathered in the auditorium for the assembly. Principal MacGregor makes sure his microphone is properly adjusted. Camera cuts to Sanna talking with the Masters of the Universe minus Anja.
SANNA: I wonder what they're gonna change the name to.
ASHLEY: I don't know. I mean, it was our idea, you know? I don't want them to change it.
HALLEY: Well, whatever they change it to, I'm sure we're all going to hate it so I guess it doesn't matter.
The camera cuts to the clones heading into the auditorium and approaching the girls.
GILCANIA: Hey, Ashley, would you call this infected?
Ashley looks at Gilcania's arm.
ASHLEY: I think that's just a chocolate chip.
GILCANIA: Oh, thank you, boo boo.
RK 2.0: Hello, guys.
HALLEY: Oh, hey guys. You ready for the assembly?
SPARKY 2.0: Get her.
Buster, RK, Wade, and Jaylynn's clones grab Halley and pin her down to the floor.
ASHLEY: What are you guys doing?!
BUSTER 2.0: Shut up, Anja!
ASHLEY: I'm Ashley, Buster.
BUSTER 2.0: You can't be Buster, I'm Buster.
WADE 2.0: HELP US FOR GOD'S SAKE!
BUSTER 2.0: Oh yeah.
Sparky 2.0 pulls out a razor and starts shaving Halley's head as she screams.
ASHLEY: Get off of her!
The girls try to help Halley, but the others begin assaulting them while Sparky's clone finishes shaving Halley's head. He then puts the razor in Halley's mouth while it is still on and she begins flopping around while the razor is in her mouth. He then assists the others in beating down the girls.
SCENE 16
The Saltalamacchia Household
Interior Basement
Seattle, Washington
The kids are still sitting in a circle while being tied to the chairs.
RK: I can't believe this. I'm actually going to die before Lucy Hale does.
BUSTER: Hey, what do you have against Lucy Hale?
RK: I don't know. For some reason, I've always hated her face. It annoys me.
JAYLYNN: I can't die yet! There are so many things I never got to do. Get a tattoo, have a hangover, learn to hold my breath underwater. Wade, you have to do something!
WADE: Do what? Jaylynn, my hands are tied. Literally and figuratively.
JAYLYNN: Dude, you're the smartest guy I know. You have to have a plan. Maybe you have some device that can destroy wooden objects or some kind of laser beam in your pockets that can send out a rescue signal.
Beat.
WADE: Kid, what do you think this is, Dexter's Laboratory? Get out of here with that.
BUSTER: Sparky, I'm starting to think that everything those other guys said about us was true. Maybe we really are horrible people.
SPARKY: Buster, none of us are horrible people. We make mistakes every now and then, but we don't try to hurt anybody. I guess it doesn't matter anyway. Those clones are going to ruin our reputations and no one will want anything to do with us ever again.
BUSTER: Well, yeah. Because we'll be buried deep in the ground afterwards.
RK: If we need to point blame towards anyone before we die, I think Wade should take one for the team.
WADE: What?! You arrogant little crap, you have the audacity to say this is my fault?!
RK: I'm not saying it is, bro. But in this case of you creating clones that turned out to be evil, murderous psychopaths who told all of us to go home and get our shinebox...it just might be.
WADE: You know what? I'm starting to think it's you guys' fault!
SPARKY: What? Why?
WADE: I didn't even want you to know about the clone in the first place. Every time I involve you guys with science, it always goes bad! The fact that you would even blame me for this means that you're okay with taking advantage of me and doing reckless shit all the time without consequences!
Beat.
RK: Oh no. The clones were right. We are horrible people!
SPARKY: No, we're not. Wade just lost his temper there.
RK: No, Wade has a point. This always happens. I put the battery in his pack every time and that's why all these things happen. The time machine, the Body Swap, the hamsters, Homework Hal...it's all coming back to make us pay. Wade, I'm sorry for taking advantage of you all these years. I guess I'm not as good a friend as I thought I was.
Beat.
WADE: You're the best friend I've ever had.
RK: But...you just said that...
WADE: Look, maybe sometimes, I feel like I'm not appreciated enough. But I think I just lashed out at you guys because I was angry. I just can't stand the fact that every time I try making something, it goes wrong. I guess I've just gotten tired of it.
SPARKY: Wade, you shouldn't give up just because things aren't going well. You're going to fail sometimes, but we all know you're going to be a great scientist one day.
JAYLYNN: Yeah, man. It's just a part of life to screw up. And we're going to be with you every step of the way. We love you and we would never try taking advantage of you.
WADE: You guys really feel that way?
RK: Of course we do. Look, Wade, I know I make you mad sometimes, but I appreciate you more than anybody in the world. I don't know where I would be without you.
WADE: Thanks RK. I don't think I would be complete without you either.
RK: So I guess this is it. If we're going to die today, we're going to die as a family. An unrelated, bizarre, f'd up family.
BUSTER: NO! WE'RE NOT DYING LIKE THIS!
Beat.
SPARKY: Buster, I think your voice made the floor vibrate.
BUSTER: I've been quiet for way too long. Whenever we've been faced with a challenge, we put up the middle finger and won. Well, it's going to be the same thing today. I'm not letting those imposters take us down. It's time for me to do the most awesome thing I've ever come up with. Everybody stand back.
Buster tries to get up and succeeds. He then takes a deep breath and yells while ramming himself into the wall of the basement. The impact causes the chair to break and the ropes to loosen, freeing Buster.
BUSTER: YES! GOD'S ON OUR SIDE!
SPARKY: Buster, you did it!
BUSTER: Oh no, Sparky. That's only part one of my plan.
Buster runs towards Sparky and unties him. Sparky then unties RK, who unties Wade, while Buster unties Jaylynn.
BUSTER: Now I've done it.
RK: Buster, you brilliant son of a bitch, you!
JAYLYNN: That's my man!
WADE: Buster, your ingenious thinking may have just saved us all. Thank you.
BUSTER: It's the least I can do to make sure we all have kids someday. Now let's go bash some heads!
RK: Wait a minute. Those clones were able to kick our asses one on one. I don't think we can beat them by ourselves.
WADE: By ourselves, probably not. But there's strength in numbers. Let's all get in the pod.
SPARKY: The pod, but...
WADE: I said, let's get in the pod!
Beat.
SPARKY: Okay.
SCENE 17
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Sam Puckett Auditorium
Seattle, Washington
The kids are all seated in the auditorium. The girls return from the nurse and sit next to Halley, who is now bald.
SANNA: Halley, what happened to you?
HALLEY: The guys shaved my head. Didn't you see that?
SANNA: I was on my phone half the time, I'm sorry. Ow! I shouldn't even be talking that much after Buster stomped on my throat.
ASHLEY: Why did they do this? I'm not playing around, the next time I see them, I'm putting my hands on them and I'm going to set them straight.
GILCANIA: Honey, you don't want to do anything that will get you in trouble. Remember? Suspension?
ASHLEY: I don't care, Gilcy. Nobody does shit like that to me and gets away with it. And you guys should know that.
HALLEY: Well, yeah. The only time you swear is when you're really mad.
ASHLEY: I actually swear a lot at home when I talk to my brothers on the phone.
SANNA: It's true. She has a real mouth on her when she's not in school.
PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: Everybody please settle down. Thank you. Now, if you're looking for refreshments, don't bother. They're all gone and you should have saved yourself the frustration by bringing your own. With that being said, we're about to usher in a new era here at iCarly Elementary School. We will be changing the name of our proud building today, and we will carry on the proud legacy of that name from here on out.
Cut to the evil clones shown watching Principal MacGregor from behind the stage curtain.
RK 2.0: This is going to be the best.
SPARKY 2.0: I know, right? We go there, beat the shit out of the principal, moon the kids, and let everybody know how horrible Testicular Sound Express really is.
WADE 2.0: We already know the plan, why are you repeating it?
SPARKY 2.0: Just for clarification.
JAYLYNN 2.0: You guys have your masks, right?
RK 2.0: Got them right here.
JAYLYNN 2.0: Great. Let's give these idiots something to remember.
BUSTER 2.0: I can't wait for the school to see my big white ass!
SPARKY 2.0: Riiiiight.
PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: Many of you have sent in some wonderful suggestions, but at the end of the day, the staff had to make a tough decision. We had to pick a name that was strong, that was scholarly, that sent a powerful message. And without any further ado...
At that point, the masked clones rush to Principal MacGregor and begin assaulting him. They then go after his assistant and other teachers who tried to help. RK's clone takes out a kendostick and begins hitting the principal in the groin with it.
ASHLEY: It's the guys! GET THEM!
Sanna and Gilcania restrain Ashley while the other kids begin recording the assault on their phones.
SPARKY 2.0: You guys like that? Huh? YOU LIKE THAT?! Well, that's just the tip of the iceberg.
RK 2.0: Yeah. The fact of the matter is, there are a lot of horrible things about us you need to know. You've all been played, lied to, and scammed by being our friends for so long.
HALLEY: I can't believe this is happening.
("The Boys Are Back" by Zac Efron and Corbin Bleu playing in the background)
Cut to Wade's car arriving at the school. Following the car is 20 clones of each TSE member. They are all angry and wearing eye black. The kids, wearing commander's hats, then get out of the car.
WADE: Alright, guys, this is it. Let's end this thing once and for all.
SPARKY: YEAH, LET'S GO!
Along with the 100 clones, the kids run into the school screaming, and then stop as they try to locate the auditorium. Once they do, they resume screaming and run into the auditorium. The evil clones become scared and try to run off but they are quickly overwhelmed by the 100 clones and a brawl ensues while the original TSE watches.
SPARKY: I think we made way too many clones.
WADE: Tell me about it.
The clones then start beating down the other kids in the audience, and a schoolwide brawl starts taking place. TSE then runs out of the auditorium to protect themselves, and they then leave the school entirely. Cut back to Principal MacGregor and his assistant behind the curtain.
PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: You know, if the kids are this upset about the name change, I guess we can't go through with it. Sorry Russell. It looks like you won't be doing the giveaway for Seahawks tickets.
Cut to Seattle Seahawks quarterback Russell Wilson standing near Principal MacGregor.
RUSSELL: You have to be kidding me. I could have been at home laid up in my bed with my wife, or having a few brewskis with the guys, and now you're telling me I came here for no reason?! You owe me, Alvin. Big time.
PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: That's not my name.
RUSSELL: I don't give a shit what your name is, YOU STILL OWE ME!
Outside the school, the kids continue to eye the entrance.
SPARKY: So what happens now?
RK: Yeah, do they just keep on fighting?
WADE: Of course not. Check this out.
Wade takes out a remote and presses the big red button, and the clones all disintegrate instantly in the auditorium.
BUSTER: I don't get it. What just happened?
WADE: They're all dead. I disintegrated each and every clone.
JAYLYNN: Wait, but I thought they destroyed the remote.
WADE: They did, but I was able to rebuild it using some parts from my other inventions, like the Saltalamacchia Snow Buster for one.
SPARKY: So why did you make all those clones?
WADE: Well, I didn't want to waste them. I found out after the fact.
RK: You know, this...
WADE: Yeah, I know, it's a very weird situation.
JAYLYNN: So what happens now?
SPARKY: We do what we always do. We move on to the next adventure.
RK: Yeah. Let's just go home and forget this ever happened.
At that point, the girls walk out of the school and confront TSE as they begin walking away.
HALLEY: Hey guys!
TSE turns around and sees the angry girls.
SPARKY: Halley, what the hell happened to your hair?!
HALLEY: Shut up.
ASHLEY: You guys have a lot of explaining to do after what you did!
Beat.
BUSTER: Guys, I'm scared now.
JAYLYNN: Me too.
RK: So what do we do?
SPARKY: Go for a run?
WADE: Yeah, that's an idea, let's just, um, stretch our legs a bit and GET OUT OF HERE!
TSE begins running away while the girls chase after them. The Everybody Hates Chris closing theme music plays in the background as the screen fades to black.
("Another Me" by PeroxWhy?gen plays in the end credits)
©2016 ANDERSON PRODUCTIONS
THE BEST IS YET TO COME