Tonight, Tonight
A Merlin Fanfic by ChronicLegCramp-Since'99
Pairing: Merdred
*Disclaimer: Merlin and all its characters do not belong to me*
It had been a long day for Mordred at school; full of mock exams and careers advisor sessions, mingled in with his weekly counselling and the usual tedium and isolation that was his school life. The school counsellor- who insisted that Mordred call him Gaius- had been especially interested in probing the seventeen year old about the panic attack he'd suffered during first period, doing his mock English speaking exam. He had prepared a speech surrounding global warming, but he was pretty sure he hadn't made it through the opening sentence. It had been a blur until he'd found himself sitting in the nurses office breathing in and out of a paper bag. He was sure he would die of humiliation if he could remember anything from before then.
He wasn't surprised when Gaius asked him if everything was alright at home since the elderly man had suspicions of some kind of domestic abuse going on; funnily enough, his adoptive parents were saints, living day to day by the word of the Lord. Mordred had smiled and mumbled one word answers through the session as he did every week and Gaius had stopped appearing put-out by it. They'd wished each other a good weekend and Mordred had refrained from running for the school gates.
He was sitting at the bus stop now, earphones plugged in his ears and his head down. It was later than usual because of his after school meeting with Gaius and he resigned himself to a long wait, preoccupying himself with his music and fiddling with the hems of the sleeves of his baggy red jumper. A business woman with a huge ladder in her tights sat down next to him as the bus stop gradually grew crowded. The woman had overdone it with her perfume and it assaulted the brunettes nose, causing him to cough discreetly into his fist.
The seconds ticked by and more people squeezed in under the shelter, craning their necks round each other to look down the road in hopes of their bus arriving. At least half of their prayers were answered as a double-decker pulled up and Mordred watched mutely as they surged forwards. A commotion erupted on the floor at his feet, making him jump and he glanced down to see that a little girl had tripped over his bag.
"Sorry," he said quickly, receiving a bordering on hostile glare from the child's mother as he picked up his bag and hugged it to his chest. The girl wasn't even crying. The mother grabbed up her daughter and lunged for the bus, getting on just before the doors closed and Mordred blew out in relief. He only wished the business woman next to him had got on with them, although her perfume probably would've lingered either way.
It wouldn't be long now until his bus came and he zoned into his music, willing time to move faster. A petite blonde girl sat down on his other side, her hair in artificial ringlets that reeked of hairspray; she was in school uniform and her skirt had been hiked up to a vulgar length so that it resembled a belt rather than a skirt. Mordred cringed inwardly as he caught a balding, middle aged man eyeing up her spray-tanned legs and glanced sideways at her. Her make-up made her look older- she was probably fourteen or fifteen.
Her round hazel eyes looked up from her phone and met his stare, plucked eyebrows arching haughtily; the brunette dropped his eyes instantly, feeling his cheeks heat up and he bit his lip in discomfiture. Girls can be scary. He scuffed at his beige converses, not daring to raise his gaze until the rosy pink in his face slowly drained away. Soon another smell was wafting through the air and mixing with the sickly perfume attacking his senses. It was the distinct smell of nicotine and Mordred subconsciously glanced in the direction it was coming from.
A man or a boy- he looked young but seemed more mature than most Mordred's age- was leaning back against the glass panel of the shelter, facing away from the oncoming traffic with his head leant back. There was a cigarette in his hand, which he brought up to his lips and pulled on, a cloud of smoke sifting through the air a moment later. However, that wasn't what had the brunette transfixed, his lips parting ever so slightly; Mordred couldn't steal his eyes away from the boys unblemished, snowy skin and the high pronounced cheekbones that looked razor sharp from this angle. Nor the feathery black hair that was falling into his eyes slightly and was startling against his pale skin.
The brunette watched as the boy inhaled and exhaled another puff of smoke, closing his eyes briefly before they flashed open. Mordred started as intelligent blue eyes pierced into his; the boy looked momentarily surprised to have caught someone staring at him before Mordred snapped his eyes away, biting his lip and sinking low in his seat on the bench, his cheeks glowing with embarrassment. He was suddenly glad to have the business woman there for cover, despite her eau de Overbearing.
It was then that his one-decker bus decided to show up and he got warily to his feet. He peeked sideways to see that the boy he'd been visibly ogling was snubbing out his cigarette with his black boot and rooting around in the pockets of his navy, zip-up, hooded leather jacket. Mordred swallowed and shuffled forward behind the others piling onto the bus, fishing his bus pass out of his bag and slinging the strap over his head and across his back. Getting on, he swiped the card reader and turned to make his way down the bus. He came up short, met with a somewhat predictably packed bus. He felt a presence at his back, raising the hairs on his neck and he hastily moved to the right and grasped a pole above its stop button.
The presence followed and the brunette saw a hand wrap around the pole between his hand and the hand of the man on his left. Mordred felt the blush return to his face as he stared at the hand above his; the bus pulled out and an arm brushed against his. He didn't dare look to confirm who he thought it was, his face on fire from thought alone, so he focused his gaze out of the window to the left of his vision, letting the buildings blur together. He calmed a little as he concentrated on his music and not glancing to the right. So far so good.
The bus jerked as it came to a stop behind a long line of cars waiting at a red light and the stranger's arm knocked into his. The remnants of smoke teased his nose and the colour that had left his face returned full-throttle. He held himself stiffly, his palm clammy on the pole while the other clutched the strap of his bag, which was hanging in front of him. The hand above his twisted and he sensed the stranger adjusting his position, no longer side by side with him. Just as he was about to give into temptation and hazard a look, his phone started ringing in his bag. He jolted and flipped the flap of his bag open to retrieve his phone, pulling his earphones out of his ears and stuffing them into his jeans pocket with his iPod.
"Hello?" he cleared his throat self-consciously and caught the pole with his left hand as the bus lurched forward in motion again.
"Mordred, its Mum,"
"Hi," he lowered his voice, face flaming in mortification. "I'm on my way home."
"How did it go today, darling?"
"Um..." he winced internally, feeling hyper aware of the cramped bus around him. Especially the attractive stranger whose attention he was certain was on him.
"Did you panic?"
"Yes." he admitted, half-heartedly trying to suppress the frown coming to his face. "I don't really remember much..."
"Sweetheart, I'm sorry. Did you talk to Gaius about it?"
"Yes." it wasn't technically a lie- the subject had been broached, even if he'd said the minimum amount possible regarding it. "That's why I'm late. I'm on the bus now,"
"Alright, we'll talk about it when you get home,"
"Mhm," he assented non-committally, secretly planning to shut himself in his room the moment he got back. He shifted awkwardly, turning to the right and glancing towards the front of the bus to see a bus stop coming up ahead. As he was about to turn back, his eyes subconsciously flickered upwards and he found his gaze captured by the black haired boy.
"See you soon, Mordred. I love you," the person in question blinked and then tore his gaze away from the curiosity in the beautiful stranger's eyes.
"Love you too." he murmured quietly into the phone, turning his head away, but he could still see the boy in his peripheral vision and his blush deepened. Mordred clumsily put his phone back in his bag, his heart beating uncommonly fast; the boys eyes were still on him, boring into his face. Before he could get a hold on the pole again, the bus stopped abruptly at a bus stop and the brunette stumbled forwards right into the stranger, his hands grabbing at the boys jacket.
"Easy there," Mordred almost jumped at the smooth voice as it tickled his ear, before the firm hand on his shoulder steadied him. He looked up to see that the stranger's features were tinged with amusement, a crooked smile on his face. The brunette had to struggle to remember how to breathe momentarily and then he quickly regained his hold on the pole and the stranger's hand fell away from his shoulder.
"Thank you," he said, realising that he'd just been staring dumbly at the boy; more people were pressing into the bus and the stranger stepped forward as a result, so that the only obstacle between them was Mordred's bag.
"No problem," the black haired boy winked and the brunette dropped his gaze, fidgeting with his bag strap and trying to pretend that he was unaffected by the stranger in front of him. The bus came to a stand still again at a traffic light and Mordred was both relieved and disappointed to see that the stranger was now staring out of the window. He wanted to hear him talk again but didn't know how to get a response out of him without addressing him directly; he wasn't very good at starting conversations- or talking to people in general- but he felt compelled to speak to this perfect stranger, to get to know him, to find out what his lips felt like-
He blushed furiously, averting his eyes again and chewing on his bottom lip.
"Argh, no," the boy protested suddenly, drawing Mordred out of his reverie. He glanced up hesitantly and followed the boys displeased look to the window to see that it was starting to rain. "Just my luck," he added under his breath, leaning over in an attempt to get a look at the sky.
"...Were you going somewhere nice...?" the brunette plucked up the courage to ask, although painfully timidly.
"I was," the stranger answered straight away, pulling a face before smiling down at him breezily.
"That's a shame," Mordred said, breaking eye-contact and instead looking at the rain splattering the window.
"Nah," he couldn't help sending the boy a sidelong glance to see him shaking his head, a carefree smile playing around his mouth. "Bad idea anyway," the brunette must have shown his confusion because the stranger gave a short laugh.
"It must have been a sign..." Mordred grimaced at his lame joke but the stranger gave him a wry smirk.
"I think you might be right," the boy nodded absently, a contemplative look encompassing his features for a moment as Mordred got lost in his deep blue eyes.
"What stop are you getting off?" the brunette glanced through the window to determine where they were as the bus paused at another bus stop.
"The next one," he answered, feeling a flutter in his stomach as he looked back up at the stranger; he was probably never going to see the black haired boy again.
"Fancy bus-surfing with me?" the boy asked with an openly hopeful look. Mordred opened his mouth in surprise even as a quizzical expression crossed his face.
"What's 'bus surfing'?" he asked shyly, wondering if it was something he should know. Then again, he didn't have any friends and it sounded like something friends might do. Did this incredibly good-looking stranger want to be friends with him?
"Basically its just sitting on buses until they terminate and then jumping on another one and so on, until we get bored or utterly sick of each other." the boy explained easily with a teasing grin at the end. The brunette highly doubted he would ever get bored or sick of talking to this boy. He even wanted to do more than just-
Mordred clamped down on that thought train. They were stuck in traffic currently but they were getting closer and closer to his stop; he needed to decide quickly.
"You want to ride buses with me...?" as soon as the question left his mouth, he chided himself for the stupid wording and the meek quality to his voice.
"Yeah. Come on, why not?" the stranger looked enthusiastic now, a smile of encouragement lighting his face. "Just for a couple hours. Come on, live a little! If it turns out we cant stand each other, we'll just go home." Mordred felt his eyebrows pull together in worry; what if this boy hated him? And he was a stranger- he could be psychotic or a criminal or both. Or he could be the most wonderful person he'd ever met...
A loud ringtone sounded then, startling the brunette out of his head; the boy took his phone out of his jacket pocket and answered.
"No way. I'm sorry, Arthur but its chucking it down," the stranger said after a pause as Mordred listened; he glanced to the window to see that the rain wasn't as heavy as the boy was making it out to be.
"So cancel it," the boy went on, non-deterred and shooting Mordred a cheeky grin. "Fine, then don't. Either way, I'm not coming in this weather- it could be dangerous," the brunette felt himself smile at the boy.
"Lightning could strike and a tree could fall and kill us all,"
He suppressed a laugh that bubbled up to his lips.
"I am not being melodramatic! These things happen...well, have a good night!" the stranger hung up unceremoniously and looked down at Mordred expectantly. "What do you say?" The bus was moving freely now and the brunette glimpsed his stop in the distance.
"What about your friends?" he asked hurriedly, uncertainty returning to his features.
"You heard me- I'm not sitting out in the freezing wet cold all night, drunk or not," he shrugged, tapping his fingers against his phone to an inaudible beat. The bus slowed down as it arrived at the stop and Mordred made a split-second decision.
"Okay,"
"Okay! For a moment there I thought you were going to turn me down," the stranger confided with a sigh of relief; the brunette didn't have time to ponder his choice of words. "Quick- grab that seat," the boy said, ushering him down the bus to a recently vacated seat as a dozen people filed off the bus.
"Here," Mordred murmured, offering the seat to his new acquaintance.
"No, you sit, I'll stand," the boy declined graciously, smiling. The brunette slowly obeyed, feeling his cheeks warm under the boys eyes. "So, what's your name?"
"Mordred." he answered, looking up tentatively and extending his hand.
"Mordred," the boy repeated, trying the name out on his tongue; a small smile came to his lips and the brunette returned it. "I'm Merlin," he introduced himself, taking Mordred's hand, which had retracted slightly. The boy's- Merlin's- hand was smooth and cocooned the brunettes in a way that made his stomach flutter.
"Its nice to meet you," he said politely, noticing that their hands were clasped far too long to be considered normal. Merlin nodded as he finally released his hand.
"What about you?" he asked Mordred suddenly. "Didn't have plans tonight? Its Friday,"
"Oh, no," the brunette responded with a self-deprecating smile, picking at the cuff of his jumper. He didn't elaborate that he had no friends to make plans with, but he was sure Merlin had reached that conclusion on his own. He took his phone out of his bag, it occurring to him that he hadn't spoken to his mother about the change in plans.
"Need to let your parents know?" Mordred looked up as he pressed his phone to his ear, but it was clear the black haired boy wasn't making fun of him. He simply nodded before averting his eyes.
"Mordred, is everything alright?"
"Yes, I just-" he began, lowering his tones.
"You must be soaked, or do you have your umbrella with you?"
"No, I'm fine," he quickly reassured his mother, peeking sideways at Merlin who was watching him. "I rang because I wont be home for a few hours,"
"Whatever do you mean? Has something happened?"
"No, nothings happened," he said, his cheeks blazing for the umpteenth time since he got on the bus.
"Oh...did you make a friend at school today?" the brunette shifted in his chair at his mothers thinly veiled hope.
"Something like that," he answered, smiling to himself as he said it. "I wont be home late, I think,"
"Well, let me know. I'm so glad, darling, albeit a little shocked,"
"So am I," he said, feeling his mothers pride wash over him through the sound of her voice. "Well, I'll see you later,"
"Of course; I love you,"
"Love you too," he ended the call and put his phone away. The sun had almost finished setting outside and it felt strange to Mordred being out at this time, when he was usually already tucked up on the sofa at home, reading or doing homework with a cup of tea close at hand.
"Does she worry, your mum?" Merlin asked, calling back the brunettes attention.
"What makes you think it was my Mum and not my Dad?" he dared to counter with a mildly challenging tone. Merlin's eyes softened marginally, a quirky smile coming to his face.
"Touché," he acknowledged, grinning lightly. "Sometimes I forget people have dads," he went on after a moment, his face sincere now.
"Oh," was all Mordred could think to say, sensing that there was a hidden meaning behind the boys words, which he didn't want to pry into.
"My Dad died when I was younger," Merlin explained, his voice subdued; the brunette was stunned by the boys frankness. Why was Merlin telling him- trusting him with this? They'd barely just met. It astounded Mordred so completely that he didn't think he could talk if he tried. "Sorry, I killed the mood, didn't I?" Mordred was about to shake his head but he caught himself and merely smiled up at the boy sympathetically.
"I..." he started to say, pausing to muster a shred of confidence as Merlin gazed down at him patiently. "I know people say this without truly meaning it, but I do know how you feel." he forced himself to hold the boys gaze, trying to convey the wealth of truth within his eyes.
"I believe you." Merlin murmured, understanding morphing his face and a gentle smile gracing his lips.
"Do you..." Mordred stopped, losing his bottle and dropping his gaze.
"Do I...?" the black haired boy prompted.
"Do you do this a lot?" the brunette finished, seeing no way out of it and going back to fiddling with his jumper sleeve.
"No," Merlin laughed a little, catching Mordred's eyes again as he glanced up with raised eyebrows. "If asking random people on public transport to hang out with me, is what you mean." Mordred couldn't hold back a pleased smile at that, the thought of it making him feel special and unique in this boy's eyes.
"What made you do it today?" the brunette asked just as the woman sitting next to him reached past his head to press the bell. He stood up immediately and came flush with Merlin before they both moved out of the way to let the woman pass, the boys hand resting against his shoulder blade. Mordred slid into the window seat as Merlin sat down beside him, placing his hands loosely on his legs while the brunette settled his bag on his lap.
"In answer to your question, you," Merlin said honestly and Mordred turned his head to meet the boys gaze. "You looked like you needed some cheering up. And well, I couldn't resist."
"So what you told your friend, it was just an excuse?" the brunette questioned quietly, looking away. His heart was beating so fast it was an effort to appear casual.
"Partly. If you'd turned me down, I would've gone home," Merlin said easily; Mordred turned to look out of the window, not knowing what to say. After a moment, the black haired boy broke the silence. "How old are you? You in college?"
"Seventeen," the brunette answered, looking back at him although avoiding eye-contact. "I'm in Sixth Form."
"Ah. I'm in my second year of Uni," Merlin told him, nodding slightly. "I'm turning twenty in a couple of months," he added as an after-thought, smiling at Mordred.
"Its my birthday in two weeks," the brunette admitted with a sheepish smile in return, marvelling at the seductive shape of the boys eyes now that he could see them close up.
"Doing anything special?" Merlin inquired, unzipping his jacket to shrug it off and drape it over his legs. Mordred felt his throat close at the question, thinking ahead to the home-made cake and his parents showering him with gifts. Perhaps it would be different this year; maybe if he managed to gain Merlin's friendship, they could hang out together on his birthday. That was probably wishful thinking though.
"Not really,"
"Why not?" Merlin asked, nudging his shoulder with his. "I got drunk for the first time on my eighteenth,"
"What was it like?" Mordred asked curiously as Merlin's eyes went far away, a lopsided smile on his face.
"Fun while it lasted," he stated dryly before grinning down at the brunette.
"I don't suppose you remember much then," Mordred commented with a hint of a smirk and the black haired boy raised his eyebrows, the corners of his lips twitching.
"I'll have you know, I remember every second," he quipped stoically, but there was humour dancing in his eyes and Mordred allowed himself a soft chuckle. "Seriously though, its your eighteenth! If you don't plan anything, I'll make it my personal mission to show you a good time myself,"
"What makes you think you can show me a good time?" the brunette retorted, his smirk more pronounced now.
"You're not as innocent as you pretend to be," Merlin accused, narrowing his eyes sinisterly before breaking out in another grin. "But just between the two of us, everybody loves me. You should feel honoured being in my presence."
"My apologies. I didn't realise you were societal royalty." Mordred dead-panned, laughter shining in his eyes as he held the black haired boys gaze.
"An easy mistake to make," Merlin jibed with a laboured sigh.
"Very easy." the brunette agreed, nodding as a grin threatened to engulf his features. When Merlin didn't reply, only stared at him with a thoughtful smile on his face, Mordred sensed himself blush, his initial timidness taking over again.
"You're so young," the boy said after a long minute, eyes still fixed on the brunette, who couldn't seem to look away. "Untainted,"
"You're only two years older than me," Mordred pointed out, blushing deeper as an unwanted pout grew on his face.
"Yeah..." Merlin nodded once, looking tired for a second. "What were you listening to earlier?" he asked, changing the subject.
"A band called Ghosts," the brunette responded self-consciously, knowing the boy probably wouldn't have heard of them.
"A rock band?"
"Um, indie rock/pop..." Mordred said, his eyes wandering along the tight muscles of the boys biceps to the point where they disappeared up his sleeve. He snapped his eyes away and stared straight ahead.
"Ah, so you're into that kind of music?" Merlin asked, drumming his hands on his jacket.
"Mostly," Mordred replied, peering through the rain-fogged window. "What about you?"
"I like rock; hard rock, some metal," Merlin answered as the brunette looked at him again. "Hm...have you heard of The Smashing Pumpkins? I think you'd like-"
"Yes," the brunette smiled, eagerly nodding his head. "My father...my real father, he used to listen to them all the time. I don't remember properly but one day I heard one of their songs on the radio and I recognised it and looked up the band. Listening to their music, I just felt this really strong sense of nostalgia and bits of my memory kind of fell into place." Mordred lapsed into silence, staring down at his clasped hands as he thought about his biological parents.
"What about your mum?" he heard Merlin ask carefully, his voice low and soft.
"She died in childbirth." he answered just as softly, lifting his eyes to see the sadness in his new friends face.
"I'm sorry, Mordred." Merlin told him, his tone heartfelt. "I don't know what I'd do without my Mum..."
"The time I've spent with my adoptive parents is more than double the amount of time I had with my real parents and I love them equally. Although..." Mordred paused, willing back the tears pricking at his eyes and swallowing harshly; it felt strange talking to a stranger about this, and yet somehow easier than he thought it would be. A lot easier than talking to Gaius at any rate. Maybe it was because Gaius knew it all already and this boy did not. "I do miss them."
"Yeah." Merlin's voice sounded rougher as he rubbed his arm briskly. "I think about my Dad everyday."
"Maybe..." the brunette cleared his throat, attempting to push away his darker, lonelier thoughts. "Maybe we shouldn't talk about this anymore."
"You're right," Merlin said, blinking through his frown and attempting a genuine smile. "This is no fun, is it?" the brunette looked down, wondering if the boy meant generally and was regretting asking Mordred to bus-surf with him, or if he meant talking about their dead parents.
"What were you and your friends going to do tonight?" he asked calmly, racking his brain for something to keep the boy entertained and here with him.
"Oh, nothing much," Merlin replied dismissively, his expression lightening fractionally. "We were just going to hang out in a park and drink, rather than stay in and drink."
"You live together or...?" the brunette asked, forcing down a pang of jealousy.
"Flat-share," Merlin answered, nodding and smiling again. "There's too many of us to fit in it really- we're always tripping over each other and walking in on...things. Makes the rent a lot easier to pay though."
"How many of you are there?" Mordred prompted in wonder, whilst trying to get his head out of the gutter in response to the 'walking in on things' remark.
"Including me, six. And Elyan's sister stays over a lot because she's Arthur's girlfriend, so seven." the black haired boy grinned down at his partially bewildered expression.
"How big's the flat?" he couldn't not ask, picturing them all crammed into a bedsit.
"There's two bedrooms with double beds and a two-person air-bed in the main room. One bathroom, one closet, a kitchen and a balcony." Merlin laughed at the brunettes incredulous look. "It works pretty well actually; its only when Gwen's round or when Percival and Gwaine decide to be selfish gits that the rest of us have to sleep on the air-bed, having delusions of mutinous proportions." Mordred released a chuckle and Merlin laughed along with him, but the bad feeling in his stomach induced by the image of Merlin surrounded by potentially single people didn't go away; if anything, it increased.
"You must all be close," he murmured, hoping he didn't sound as sullen as he felt.
"They're all like brothers to me- Gwen's like a sister," Merlin told him in an affectionate tone. "Being an only child, it means a lot to me."
"I can imagine," he responded, trying not to sound begrudging; being an only child himself, he could understand all too well how much Merlin's friends must mean to him. The brunette only wished he had been as fortunate as his new friend, even though he knew deep down that he had made no real effort to fit in anywhere or make friends.
Attachment was dangerous and having lost his parents at such an early age, meant that he knew first-hand how fragile and definite life and death were. He always remembered the words Macbeth had spoken after hearing of his wife's suicide- 'Out, out, brief candle! Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player, that struts and frets his hour upon the stage, and then is heard no more.'
Mordred had experienced very little of the beauty in life other than the love between a parent and child, but it was now, sitting here with Merlin who gave smiles so freely and unconditionally, that the brunette began to wonder if he'd been looking at life through the wrong lens. Happiness rarely coincided with realism, he'd always thought, and it never seemed possible to succeed in making death the reason to strive for and achieve happiness- why bother, when you're going to die eventually anyway?
But Merlin appeared so at ease within himself and with Mordred- a near stranger- and there was no naivete in his face whatsoever. He had lost a parent just like Mordred had, but even while being familiar with the precarious tightrope between life and death, he had found happiness all the same.
"You have beautiful eyes," Mordred blinked, eyes gradually focusing on the black haired boy. "That got your attention." the boy smiled crookedly at him as he blushed, realising that he'd been staring at his companion this whole time.
"Sorry," he almost blurted, dropping his gaze and feeling acutely uncomfortable. What had Merlin just said...? His eyes flew upwards just as the boy continued.
"What were you thinking about?" momentarily side-tracked, he shifted his gaze and shrugged delicately.
"I was wondering if I'll have to redo my English speaking exam," he lied seamlessly, but as the words poured from his mouth, anxiety began to coil in his stomach. His teacher had let him off in the past, but this was a mock for the real exam that he would need to pass in order to get a halfway decent overall grade.
"Did you do badly?" Merlin asked, repositioning himself so that his body was angled towards Mordred and his arm was resting on the top of his seat, his hand hanging limply. The brunettes heart started overreacting to the press of Merlin's knee against the side of his left leg and he stared down at his hands, chewing on his lip.
"I did more than badly," Mordred began with a sigh and a pitiful smile. "I didn't do it at all."
"Didn't prepare?" Merlin guessed and the brunette looked up, shaking his head.
"I wrote the speech, but I only got through about the first three words, I think..." he elaborated with another sigh and a self-mocking grimace.
"Stage fright?" Merlin stated more than asked, his voice soft as he rested his temple against his fist.
"Yep." the brunette answered anyway, his eyes lingering on the visible muscles of Merlin's arm before he met his rich blue gaze. "I...I have panic attacks," he confided, feeling pathetic but wanting the black haired boy to know him better regardless.
"That's gotta be rough," Merlin said sincerely, steadily holding Mordred's eyes. "Does your teacher help you with that? Give you pointers or help you practise...?"
"No..." the brunette shook his head and turned his attention to scuffing at the floor with his converses. "She just expects me to get up and do it like everyone else; I think she forgets I'm in her class and then palms me off to the nurse when I start hyperventilating."
"You probably don't like her much then," Merlin commented lightly. "I wouldn't either, she sounds terrible," a smile resurfaced on Mordred's face, his frown dissipating.
"I just hope she lets it slide. Its only a mock," he said, his tone significantly less than hopeful.
"But what will you do when it comes to your real exam?" Merlin asked and Mordred's expression turned glum again as he looked up at him.
"Stay home sick?" he joked half-heartedly and the black haired boy laughed a bit, although his face remained seemingly concerned.
"You should practise," Merlin advised with a reassuring smile. "You know, start with one person, then move onto two or three and keep going up until you're used to it and so comfortable with it that you'll wonder why you ever found it hard."
"I suppose..." Mordred murmured reluctantly, silently wallowing in the fact that his parents were the only people he could practise on. If it could be called practise- speaking in front of his parents didn't seem in the least bit challenging.
"Maybe I could help..." Mordred came out of his thoughts to meet Merlin's friendly gaze, his cheeks flooding with heat at the mere prospect. That would be challenging, although for entirely different reasons.
"...I would like that," the brunette responded finally; the idea of spending more time with the boy spurring him on, even if it was a little scary.
"Great! I look forward to it," Merlin said brightly, bumping Mordred's leg with his knee playfully.
"Me too," Mordred smiled shyly, allowing some of his appreciation to lighten his features. Even though he suspected the boy felt sorry for him, he was all too happy to accept the offer of meeting him again. It was simply something he couldn't pass up.
"Its settled then. I promise you wont regret it- my help is invaluable," Merlin proclaimed with a mischievous grin, which Mordred hesitantly returned, his belly doing somersaults.
"That's quite a statement," he said bashfully, struggling to retain eye-contact as Merlin's eyes held his unflinchingly. "I hope I'm not disappointed..." he bit his tongue as the boy raised his eyebrows at him, something alien to Mordred sparking in his blue gaze.
"Trust me," Merlin murmured lowly, leaning in slightly and captivating the brunette with a devilish quirk of his lips. "I never disappoint." Mordred swallowed harshly, suddenly feeling well out of his comfort zone and trying not to read into the intent clear in the boys eyes. The brunette felt worlds younger under the weight of Merlin's look.
"Then," he cleared his throat again. "I look forward to you proving me wrong," his voice had an odd thick quality to it that deepened his tones slightly; Merlin must have picked up on his inner discomfiture because he pulled back an inch.
"It'll be my pleasure." the black haired boy winked and then released Mordred's gaze, which dropped immediately as he recovered his composure, unnoticeably taking in calming breaths. The atmosphere between them had become so intense that Mordred wasn't sure if he would survive another moment like it. But at the same time, he couldn't help but cling to the thrill that had pulsed through his body when Merlin had leaned down towards him.
By the time the bus reached its destination, it was ten-to-seven and Mordred felt his nerves prick as he pictured his parents finishing their dinner and wondering where he was. Not to mention he was starving, but he tried not to dwell on those thoughts as he followed Merlin out onto the street. The rain had let up for now but there was a mild chill in the air and Merlin slid his arms back into the sleeves of his jacket. They were in the middle of a high-street and the brunettes gaze subconsciously hovered on fast-food joints, moving to and from supermarkets and restaurants before repeating the process as he walked beside Merlin in no particular direction.
He hadn't eaten since breakfast because he'd been too wrapped up in the dismal events of his speaking exam to feel hungry and he hadn't expected to be wondering the streets at this time with the first person he'd taken an interest in, let alone noticed at all. Was this what being a teenager was about? Being spontaneous and meeting different people? He'd always felt older than his years and had resigned himself to the fact that this stage of youth had bypassed him. However, he was more than aware of the crush that was forming for the black haired boy he'd met not two hours ago.
Merlin's hands landed on his shoulders, stopping him in his tracks and turning him to the right.
"I'll treat you," Merlin told him as he took in the chippie before them.
"I have money-" he began, looking up at the boy as anticipation built in his stomach.
"You can treat me next time," Merlin said in compromise, ruffling his hair before heading towards the shop. Mordred smiled widely through a rosy blush as he entered the chip shop after Merlin, the latter's promise of 'next time' resounding off the walls of his mind. The chippie was well-heated and the smells of fried potato and chicken and sausage in batter filled his nose, making his stomach clench painfully. He and Merlin joined the queue, feasting their eyes on the food on display through the glass panels; there were four customers ahead of them, but Mordred was patient and content enough with simply inhaling the mouth-watering smell of food as they waited.
"I haven't had chips since I was little," he murmured, his stomach clenching again as he looked ahead to the steaming paper cone being handed over the counter to the paying customer. As the ironically suited man passed, already pecking at the baking chips in his possession, Mordred glimpsed a sizzling fish-cake nestled amongst them.
"Seriously?" Merlin said, more curious than surprised as Mordred turned back to him.
"The last time was during a trip to the seaside," he said with a slight shrug.
"Hey!"
Mordred felt a tap on his shoulder and he turned around to see that three girls were now bringing up the rear of the queue. They were all looking at him expectantly apart from the mousy haired one in the middle.
"Don't you go to our school?" continued the first one to speak; a girl with light brown eyes and mahogany hair cut in an edgy bob.
"Maybe..." Mordred replied, not recognising a single one of them, although that didn't say very much.
"I'm in your Maths class," the mousy one supplied quietly, peering up from beneath her straight fringe to meet his gaze before looking down again.
"Oh," he shifted awkwardly, an apologetic grimace coming to his face. "I'm sorry- I don't really pay attention in Maths..."
"Its okay," she returned quickly, not looking up and Mordred noticed the soft blush in her cheeks. He turned back to Merlin who was studying the girls with a mildly irritated look on his face.
"So, what do-" Mordred began but the girl with the bob hastily vied for his attention again.
"Everybody hates Maths," Mordred glanced behind him to see a slightly insistent glint in her eyes. "Who would pay attention? Anyway, this is Ellie," she gestured towards the mousy one, who looked highly uncomfortable. "And I'm Tina; that's Sarah," he returned the curt nod of the girl with the wavy blonde hair on the other side of Ellie.
"I'm Mordred,"
"We know," the blonde said with a knowing smirk that made him feel even more self-conscious than he already did.
"Maybe I'll see you at school," he smiled and turned back to Merlin who was now moving up to the counter to order. He swiftly joined him, his stomach starting to eat itself.
"Just chips, good?" the black haired boy clarified, glancing down at him quickly.
"Please," Mordred nodded, waiting as calmly as possible.
"Drink?" Merlin asked.
"Coke, please,"
"Two Cokes," Merlin told the man behind the counter, drumming his hands on the surface. Mordred smiled and opened his mouth to speak as the black haired boy turned to him, leaning his side against the counter. However, he was cut off.
"So, Mordred," he looked over his shoulder again to see the girl who had introduced herself as Tina, giving him a friendly smile. "Got plans for tonight?" he looked briefly between the three of them before answering.
"Not really. Me and Merlin-" he tilted his head tentatively in the boys direction. "-are just getting dinner."
"Cool," the blonde said, Tina assenting vigorously; Ellie was still staring down at her feet. Mordred looked back at Merlin, starting to feel a little confused by their persistent interest. The black haired boy was staring at the girls, a hint of amusement in his expression, although he looked strangely annoyed to Mordred.
"What's-"
"Um, Mordred?" the person in question frowned, still looking at Merlin who promptly glanced away in apparent disinterest. Mordred reluctantly faced the girls, not quite wiping the frown from his face.
"Is there something you wanted?" he asked bluntly, mentally chiding himself for the way it sounded. The girls appeared taken aback. "I don't mean to be rude, its just that you've never spoken to me at school- I don't really understand why you are now..."
"You can say if we're bothering you," Ellie spoke up suddenly, her cheeks reddening further as she met his eyes.
"Mordred." the brunette turned to receive his paper-wrapped chips and a plastic bag carrying their drinks from Merlin before the black haired boy proceeded to snake his arm around his waist and kiss him on the cheek. Mordred was so shocked that he almost dropped everything. Merlin held his wide eyes for a moment, making his heart stutter and race in his chest.
"Oh, you're that way..." he glanced at Tina and then the other two; Ellie looked disappointed, maybe even dejected.
"Sorry to bother you," she stammered before leaving the shop, her friends hurrying after her. Face still hot from the kiss, Mordred looked up at Merlin for an explanation, but he only shook his head and laughed a bit.
"Mordred, you're clueless," he said lightly, before taking his arm back and tossing a chip into his mouth. Mordred silently followed the black haired boy out onto the street, chewing on his lip and trying to figure out what had just happened. What an odd day today was turning out to be...
Walking alongside his new friend, Mordred sighed and turned his attention to the glorious golden chips in his possession; the steam rising from them was visible in the crisp air. The brunette looped the handles of the plastic bag onto his wrist and grasped the base of the paper cone in the same hand so that he could tuck in with the other. He fished out a chip and it burned the tips of his fingers slightly, but he simply blew on it and popped it into his mouth, too hungry to care.
"I put salt and vinegar on them- was that okay?" Merlin asked, coming to a stop at a crossing. "You were tied up, so..."
"Its okay. I'm not fussy," Mordred replied with a small smile before he munched on another chip; he was starting to feel awkward again, the blush in his cheeks refusing to go away. He kept thinking about the way Merlin's lips had felt against his skin, causing him to withdraw into himself more and more as time passed. Part of him knew it had been for the benefit of those girls, but that only made him feel more foolish. He didn't want Merlin to kiss him for the benefit of other people...
"Really? I am," the black haired boy was saying. Mordred glanced sideways at him, trying to read past the casual light in his features. What was Merlin really thinking? Was kissing someone that normal an occurrence for him? Mordred knew he was blowing it all out of proportion- it had only been a peck on the cheek- but it felt serious, important, to him. "I always get on everyone's nerves because I'm the only one who can cook and I only make food I like. And I make it the way I like it,"
"That's kind of selfish..." Mordred pointed out, his voice subdued as he stared down into his chips. It was also selfish the way Merlin was pretending like nothing had just happened. They crossed the road and walked towards the nearest bus stop. Mordred was concentrating solely on his chips, ignoring the focus of Merlin's eyes on him.
"You're right, it is selfish," the black haired boy agreed eventually, regaining the brunettes attention. "But isn't it selfish of them not to make any effort at learning to cook themselves?"
"Well, have you ever asked them to? Honestly?" Mordred countered slowly, still avoiding eye-contact, but loosening up again marginally. He could tell by the look on Merlin's face that the answer was no. "Why would they consider learning themselves if you're always happy to cook for them?" they reached the bus stop as a bus was pulling up and they claimed seats on the bench under the shelter.
"Is it fun being right all the time?" Merlin teased good-naturedly, giving the brunette a quirky smile.
"Nobodies right all the time," Mordred returned with a mild smirk, briefly meeting the black haired boys gaze before looking away.
"Okay, most of the time," Merlin amended, grinning at the look Mordred sent him and bumping his shoulder with his own.
"Being right isn't always a good thing," the brunette replied softly, bumping his shoulder back.
"You know what, Mordred?" Merlin began and the person in question looked up at him, cautiously returning his gaze. Merlin's eyes were sincere. "You're too mature for your own good." and with that, the black haired boy pinched a chip from the younger boy, laughing when Mordred protested audibly and tried to steal a chip in retaliation.
After a while, when their laughter had quietened and they had finished their food, they threw the greasy paper into a nearby bin and settled back down to wait for a bus back. Mordred retrieved the cans of Coke from the plastic bag and handed one to Merlin before snapping his open and taking a long pull. Night had fully fallen and the waxing moon glowed ethereally in the dark sky. The bus stop was lit by florescent light that cast a mild yellowy-green tint to their skin.
He checked the time on his phone and it read seven-thirty. He'd be home in about an hour if the traffic wasn't too thick, but the thought of leaving Merlin's company made his stomach knot horribly. And he wasn't entirely over the whole incident in the chippie either. He took another swig of his drink in an attempt to calm his nerves.
"Why did you-"
"What will you-" Merlin and Mordred both stopped, a sheepish smile coming to the latter's face as the former laughed and rubbed the back of his head.
"You go first," Mordred said quickly, looking down at his palms wrapped around his chilled drink can.
"I was just going to ask what you'll do when you get home...and if you'd stay out a little longer," Merlin said with a brisk shrug, playing with the ring-pull on his can. Mordred blushed, biting his lip unhappily. All he wanted to do was spend the rest of the night with his new friend, but...
"I should probably get home," he murmured, trying not to sulk as he looked up at Merlin. "My parents wouldn't be pleased if I got home any time after nine."
"Are your parents strict?" Merlin asked carefully, sipping his drink.
"Not really, but they worry," Mordred answered truthfully, feeling guilty for the resentment he was feeling about not being able to spend more time with Merlin.
"I guess they wouldn't let you stay over at a friends then?" Mordred raised his eyebrows at the implied suggestion, his blush deepening at the gentle smile on the black haired boys face. "Its just nice talking to someone I don't also live with, you know? I appreciate you putting up with me tonight," he added with a meaningful look that made the brunettes heart swell.
"Its okay. I enjoyed tonight," Mordred told him, smiling through his own gratitude. "And there's still the bus back,"
"Yeah," Merlin locked gazes with him for a long moment, causing Mordred's heart to go into overdrive and the colour to burn brightly in his pale face. Swallowing down his anxiety, Mordred took a steadying breath.
"Why did you kiss me?" he asked, his voice low but stronger and more forthright than he felt. Merlin's forehead creased faintly, but he didn't look away.
"To help you out of that awkward situation," he answered smoothly, his face clear. "Lets face it, you weren't handling it very well,"
"What do you mean?" Mordred frowned in confusion, his drink forgotten in his hands as he continued to gaze up at the boy. Merlin grinned slightly and shook his head at that.
"They were trying to ask you out on behalf of their friend." the black haired boy explained, shaking his head again as Mordred blanched.
"What makes you say that?"
"Common sense," Merlin laughed shortly before he sobered once more; Mordred was at a loss, his emotions and thoughts all jumbled up and incoherent within him. He'd been hoping for a different reason as to why Merlin had kissed him.
"That's all?" he murmured almost inaudibly before he caught Merlin's look and got a hold of himself. "The mousy one- Ellie- liked me? She's never even talked to me before..." he went on non-committally.
"Didn't you see how painfully shy she was?" Merlin stated more than asked, smiling kindly. Mordred nodded a little, still more concerned with the fact that the kiss hadn't meant anything after all. At least, not to Merlin. "I probably shouldn't have done it though. I hope there aren't any bigots or homophobes at your school,"
"I doubt anyone knows who I am, well, apart from my English class." Mordred remarked, not especially bothered. He took a gulp of his coke and stood up as the bus they needed rolled up to the bus stop.
"I didn't misread the signals, did I?" Merlin asked abruptly as they waited for the bus doors to open; Mordred flashed him a quizzical look as he got his bus-pass out of his bag. "You didn't like her, did you?" Mordred didn't answer until they'd swiped in and were making their way down the bus. It wasn't too packed, but there were a number of rowdy groups heading out for the night.
"No," he said as they sidled past people, moving up the aisle to the back of the bus where there were two free seats opposite each other, on the right side. "Not in the way you mean." Mordred sat down in the seat facing the way they were going as Merlin took the other, leaning forward on his elbows.
"No harm done then," the black haired boy smiled, looking to Mordred for confirmation.
"No harm done." the brunette repeated after a pause, but he didn't return the smile and he could tell that Merlin had noticed. The black haired boy sat back in his seat, his piercing eyes remaining on Mordred. Mordred took up tracing the words on his drink can, wishing he could just forget about the whole thing. He could hear his adoptive parents telling him that he was making a mountain out of a molehill, but he couldn't help it.
"Mordred, if you have something to say..." Merlin let the rest of the sentence hang unspoken in the air. The brunette almost felt himself glare, a pout rising to his mouth as he became acutely aware of the people on the bus around them, in all too close hearing range.
"Actions have consequences," he said finally, shifting uncomfortably and glancing around quickly to see if anyone was openly listening; nobody was looking at them but that didn't mean they weren't eavesdropping.
"And what consequences have mine had?" Merlin pressed carefully, leaning forward again and capturing Mordred's gaze. Mordred sighed, forcing himself to relax and smile at the boy.
"It's nothing, Merlin, don't worry about it,"
"I don't believe you," the black haired boy responded quietly, his eyes unwavering. "Is it why you're going home?"
"No," the brunette denied, surprised by Merlin's assumption. "I'd rather stay with you-" he broke off, realising what he'd just said and how it sounded. Of course, it sounded exactly the way he truly meant it. Merlin was staring at him- not that he hadn't already been- but there was a spark of intuition in his eyes that positively frightened him. He lowered his eyes, imagining that the passengers around them were internally laughing at him; the blood in his face was practically boiling with humiliation.
"I'd rather you stayed with me too," Merlin said warmly after what felt like an eternity to Mordred, and his eyes shot up to read the sincerity in the boys firm gaze. "Being around my other friends, its...its exhausting, to be honest," Merlin continued, smiling humorously. "You're a breath of fresh air, Mordred. Really." the brunette stayed silent and still for several seconds, merely staring into the deep depths of the black haired boys eyes. Then he sighed and shook his head, a tiny grin creeping across his face.
"You could have just apologised; flattery will get you nowhere with me," he warned teasingly, drawing a smirk from Merlin. The words were a blatant lie but that was irrelevant right then. All that mattered was salvaging the friendship they had built over the evening before it crumbled around them completely. He could ponder the true meaning behind Merlin's words later on, away from prying eyes and the boys disarming smile.
"I'm sorry if I crossed a line," Merlin murmured, his expression turning serious again.
"It wasn't that," Mordred replied dismissively, looking down at his drink as he talked, ignoring the people around them as best he could. "It was something of nothing-"
"I hurt your feelings," the black haired boy cut in, his voice low and his face full of regret. The brunette began to question whether Merlin was speaking platonically or not; had Merlin guessed at Mordred's attraction to him? Was his crush that obvious?
"...I feel like we're talking about two different things," he responded after a pause, draining his can of drink to quench his parched mouth. The bus came to a halt and the woman sitting in the window seat beside Mordred got up and made to get off; he took her seat and Merlin swiftly moved to the seat he had just been in. The black haired boy angled his body towards him and leaned in slightly to give them some modicum of privacy.
"Just because I kissed you to get rid of those girls, doesn't mean I didn't want to," Merlin told him, gazing intently into his eyes. The air left Mordred's lungs as he processed what the boy had just said, trying and failing to break eye-contact. His face was on fire, but Merlin continued holding his gaze with an unplaceable smile on his face.
"Oh," was all he managed, his throat constricting and his heart hammering against his ribs. Merlin grinned widely at his bafflement and mercifully released his eyes to look past him through the window. Even now that he was no longer under the boys immediate scrutiny, he felt like they were abnormally close, Merlin's knee lightly touching the side of his right leg. And considering what the black haired boy had just admitted, Mordred was overcome with self-awareness, not knowing how to be or what to say. He glanced timidly back up at Merlin as the boy lifted his drink to take a long swig before tucking the can between his leg and the armrest on his other side.
"So you...like- me?" Mordred clarified, his voice just above a whisper and rich with uncertainty. Merlin looked down at him and smiled almost tenderly, but just as he was about to open his mouth, his phone started ringing, making the brunette jump.
"What now," Merlin muttered, flashing Mordred an apologetic smile; Mordred waited as his friend took out his phone and rolled his eyes at the name on the screen before answering. "Gwaine," the boy held his phone close between his ear and the brunettes so that they could both hear the deep voice on the other end.
"What's this I hear about you not coming tonight?"
"Probably what it sounds like," the boy returned easily, as the brunette bit back a grin.
"You've gotta be kidding me- its practically tradition!" Gwaine protested in evident disbelief. Mordred suppressed a chuckle as Merlin grinned at him, shaking his head. "C'mon, Merlin- you cant bail on us now,"
"I'm not coming, Gwaine. I found much better company," the boy said, winking at Mordred and making him blush with pride.
"Better company than us? Now I know you're taking the piss," was the grumbled, partly amused, response. "No- Leon, I've got this," they heard him mutter in the background.
"Why do you care? You'll be off behind a tree with Percival before we've even started drinking," Merlin teased, laughing at Mordred's bemused expression.
"That's beside the point, Merlin," Gwaine retorted, sounding vaguely guilty all of a sudden. "So who is he? This guy whose company you find so riveting?"
"Now that would be telling," Merlin replied cryptically, smirking at the brunette who grinned self-consciously.
"C'mon, is he pretty?" Gwaine persisted, sounding like he was smirking.
"Definitely," Merlin answered without a moments delay, holding Mordred's gaze with a deliberate glint in his keen eyes; Mordred's heart fluttered, his cheeks heating up further as he smiled tentatively.
"What about his body?"
"I'm hanging up now," the black haired boy announced quickly, shooting the brunette a sheepish grin.
"Hey, no wait- he got a nice arse-?"
"Goodbye, Gwaine." Merlin ended the call and put his phone back in his jacket pocket. "Sorry about that, Gwaine's a bit..." he trailed off, looking back at Mordred who was smiling inwardly down at his hands wrapped around his empty can, his face still glowing.
"Indiscreet?" the brunette finished, glancing up with the hint of a smirk.
"Yeah, pretty much," Merlin agreed, shaking his head as an affectionate look crossed his features.
"Sounds like a lot of fun," Mordred commented lightly, softened by the boys love for his friends.
"Oh, he is," Merlin nodded, grinning crookedly and sliding his arm around the brunettes shoulders as if it were the most natural thing in the world; Mordred tensed for a second before hesitantly relaxing into the boys side, his neck cushioned by his arm. "He can be a bit of a handful sometimes but hes always there for me. They all are."
The passengers had thinned out somewhat and Merlin and Mordred were alone on their side at the back of the bus, but the latter was too enraptured in this wonderful new element of his life to notice. "You should go," he murmured gently, smiling up at the black haired boy. Merlin looked a tad dubious at that.
"You think?" Mordred nodded, pushing down the twinge of jealousy sneaking up his spine. "There's really no chance of you staying out just a bit longer...?"
"I don't do this...often," he looked down. "My parents would probably be worried sick if I turned up at ten, let alone any later. I'm sure they're already itching to pick up the phone and check I haven't been abducted." Merlin hummed in understanding, absently lifting his free hand to brush against his brown locks before dropping it again.
"You don't have any siblings then?"
"No, none," Mordred answered, trying not to show how much the boys tender gesture had affected him. "What about you? You mentioned earlier that you're an only child...?"
"Yeah," Merlin said quietly, smiling sadly down at him. "My Mum never married or found anyone after my Dad,"
"May I ask how..." the brunette stopped himself; he didn't want to upset the comfortable atmosphere that had cloaked them.
"How my Dad died?" Merlin finished for him, his voice calm- possibly too calm. He nodded mutely but the boy had already continued. "I didn't know him, growing up- he'd been pressured into leaving my Mum and she hadn't told him about me, thinking it would only make things harder for both of them. But about three years ago, my Mum got a phone call from a hospital outside London, saying my Dad was ill and wanted to see her. She didn't tell me at first- she went alone to see him- but the moment she got back, she told me to pack, said that we were going away for a bit and that there was someone she wanted me to meet.
"I didn't have a clue what was going on and I remember thinking how great it was to skip school. We checked into a hotel and I got to order anything I wanted from room service as a 'treat', but the next day, when she took me to the hospital, a bad feeling started to sink in. When we got to the ward, she pulled me to the side and told me that I was going to meet my Dad and that he was seriously ill. I was...excited- elated- I'd always wondered what he was like, what he was doing, where he'd been- everything. When we entered his room and I saw how ill he was, I...well I knew we didn't have long. He was terminally ill with cancer..." Merlin paused to clear his throat and take a breath; Mordred stayed quiet, his heart aching for his friend.
"We spent barely a week together, five days getting to know each other finally, after all the time we'd lost. He'd looked so proud once he'd gotten over the initial shock of finding out he had a son. He even seemed to perk up with each day that we visited him- I imagined that our being there was somehow making him better- he always looked happy to see us and I was glad that I didn't seem to be a disappointment to him at all. It was more than I could've wished for. But...then he took a turn for the worse. I knew our time was up and I think my Mum did too. We still had each other but that didn't make it any easier..."
As it became clear that Merlin wasn't going to say anymore, Mordred reached out and clutched his free hand, squeezing gently. The boys piercing blue eyes, which had grown ever distant as he'd talked, gradually focused on him, a thankful smile tugging at the corners of his lips.
"I'm sorry, Merlin," the brunette told him, his voice soft and earnest as he read the thinly veiled anguish in the boys eyes.
"Its hard sometimes, being thankful for the days I had with him; days that should've been years..." Merlin whispered haltingly as he gazed down at the brunette.
"Its hard for me too," Mordred murmured, feeling his heart clench violently with the weight of both their loss. "When my Dad died, I wasn't old enough to truly understand it. He was simply gone and I would be living with other people instead. As I got older, I started to imagine that he was alive somewhere- that he had been taken away, stolen from me and was being held captive. When I was eleven, my adoptive parents explained to me what had happened to him; he had been hit by a car and died in the operating theatre. I knew they were telling the truth. I'd known all along, deep down, that he was dead and not imprisoned in some far away place that I could one day rescue him from...
"They told me later on, that the driver had been an emotionally unstable woman in her thirties- she had been speeding, running away from an abusive husband. She swerved after she hit my Dad and crashed her car. I don't know if she ever woke up from her coma...Its difficult coming to terms with not fully being able to blame the person responsible for my Dad's death..." Mordred trailed off, his voice failing him as tears pricked his eyes. He was staring blindly at his hand on Merlin's, the boys arm around his shoulders supportively holding him tightly against him. "...I've never properly spoken to anyone about this before, not even my adoptive parents, or my school counsellor,"
"You don't...hate her- the woman?" the black haired boy asked softly and Mordred looked up to meet his gaze.
"...No." he answered truthfully, releasing a heavy breath. "I did...at first. When I was still young and hadn't yet been told about the woman and her circumstances. I used to think that what she had done was unforgivable; my Dad was dead, gone forever. But when they told me about her, I...I realised that even if she had been a drink-driver or a criminal or worse, it was never going to bring my Dad back. And I couldn't ignore the suffering the woman must have been going through. I think that...if she did wake from her coma, she's probably suffering more now than she ever did before. But that thought doesn't comfort me as I once thought it would." Mordred closed his eyes for a moment and then looked away out of the window. His hand was still on Merlin's and the boy clasped it, returning the pressure.
"Its strange..." Merlin murmured after a long silence in which they both attempted to collect their thoughts. "How similar we are," Mordred glanced back up at him, hoping his expression wasn't as solemn as it had been during their prior conversation.
"We are," he agreed, faintly mirroring the boys curiosity. "Our meeting must have been fated," he tried to joke to repel the black cloud that had descended upon them.
"I'm glad you stayed with me," Merlin said, smiling gratefully down at him.
"Will I see you again, after this?" he asked quietly, gazing up at the boy with more than a hopeful glimmer in his eyes. "Honestly?"
"Yeah, of course," Merlin answered adamantly, giving the brunette a mildly incredulous look. "I promise you, you wont be able to get rid of me- I'm not going to leave you alone and you'll start wishing you'd never met me,"
"I doubt that," Mordred replied, a small grin gracing his face. "Here," he pulled his phone out of his bag and got his number up, passing it to the boy.
"Well that was easy," Merlin commented, taking his phone out of his pocket and keying in the brunettes number.
"Are you calling me easy?" Mordred accused with a straight face and the black haired boy paused from saving his own number in Mordred's phone to look at him worriedly.
"No! I just meant it was easy getting your number- not that I was implying..." Merlin continued hastily back-tracking as the brunette stared him down.
"Merlin!" Mordred chuckled, watching the boy frown in confusion and chagrin. "I was joking," he bit down on the bright grin breaking across his features as the boy sighed in relief before turning faux-resentful.
"I'm happy you find me so entertaining," Merlin quipped with an unbelievable glare.
"You should be. Why else would I subject myself to your company?" Mordred returned wryly, laughing out loud at the look he was rewarded with. He caught a raised eyebrow from a girl on the other side of the bus and stifled his laughter in his fist, his cheeks colouring mildly. Merlin passed him back his phone, shaking his head and smiling widely.
"Well you should feel privileged to have my number," Merlin told him sagely.
"I do," Mordred smiled as he put his phone away, glancing out the window before looking back up at his friend. "Not long now,"
"Yeah," the black haired boy murmured, easing his arm around his shoulders again. "It'll be lonely without you,"
"It wont," the brunette said, calling the boys bluff.
"I'm serious," Merlin insisted, his features softening significantly. "I'm used to your presence now, I don't want you to go,"
"Its only been a few hours," Mordred pointed out, amused by the boys childish manner.
"Exactly! Nowhere near long enough,"
"You should go and meet up with your friends," the brunette suggested again, his heart warmed by the boys blatant flattery.
"But they're boring compared to you," Merlin declared, looking mutinous.
"They are not," Mordred retorted, chuckling lightly.
"You haven't met them," Merlin replied dryly, smirking down at him. "Okay, so they're not boring, but I wish I had more time with you."
"We'll see each other again," he said with a confidence that was wholly new to him.
"I'll hold you to that," the black haired boy said in a warning tone that he rolled his eyes at.
"Its a deal then," he smiled tentatively as they gazed at each other. He leaned his head on the boys arm, feeling the beginning of fatigue setting in and he got lost in the depths of his friends eyes. Friends. Was that the right word?
"You're gorgeous, d'you know that?" Merlin whispered, his free hand coming up to caress Mordred's cheek. The brunette blushed, his heart picking up speed as his mind zeroed in on the smooth texture of the boys palm. The black haired boy slowly leaned in, close enough that the tips of their noses touched and Mordred's lips parted, his breathing coming in and out in quick nervous gusts. When the boys mouth brushed against his, his eyes fell closed, everything slipping away apart from the feeling of Merlin's mouth on his.
The boy lingered for several seconds before gradually pulling back to gauge the brunettes reaction. Definitely not friends. Mordred blinked up at the black haired boy, his thoughts scrambled and his face hot; Merlin's hand was still against his cheek so there was no doubt in his mind that the boy knew how much he was affected by him. Hesitantly, he raised his hand and traced the fine definition of the boys cheekbone with his fingertips; Merlin smiled down at him, his eyes smouldering. Mustering his courage, he leaned up and pressed his lips against the black haired boys, the back of his hand stroking along Merlin's jaw.
Kissing was such a different experience than Mordred had expected it to be. Although, he couldn't remember ever wanting to kiss someone until this evening, meeting Merlin. He weaved his fingers into the boys dark locks, feeling them feather over his knuckles and tickle his skin. When he sensed Merlin's tongue touch lightly against his bottom lip, he started a bit but he quickly relaxed again, reciprocating the increasing pressure of the boys mouth. He let Merlin lead, allowing him to coax his mouth open. The brunette gasped as Merlin's tongue delved inside before retracting again as if testing the boundaries. Mordred timidly copied the action, slipping his tongue through Merlin's lips. Merlin licked up the underside of his invading tongue, causing Mordred to gasp again, his fingers knotting into the boys hair more firmly.
A distinct wolf-whistle alerted the brunette to the raucous group making their way up to the back of the bus, to claim the empty seats surrounding them. They pulled apart, the brunettes gaze met with amused smirks and out-right leers amongst the laughter. He grinned through his mortification and stared down at his bag, away from the knowing looks. Merlin had laughed it off, shifting in his seat and tightening his arm around Mordred's shoulders possessively.
"You okay?" Merlin murmured in Mordred's ear once the group around them had turned their attention away.
"Yes," Mordred answered with a shy nod, smiling up at the boy. Truthfully, he was more than okay; he was ecstatic. When he'd woken up this morning, he'd been preoccupied with dreading his impending English exam and hadn't dreamt of something so incredible as this happening. Up until the moment he'd set eyes on Merlin, his life had been nothing but a dull blur. He went to school, spent most of his free time with his parents or reading or doing homework or any other mundane thing; he'd rarely leave the house apart from trips to the park on sunny days and family holidays.
"No regrets?" Merlin asked, brushing the brunettes hair back from his face.
"None." Mordred answered firmly, momentarily mesmerised by the dazzling smile that the boy responded with.
"Good," Merlin said softly, radiating a happiness that Mordred welcomed heartily.
The next stop brought them to the place that the brunette was supposed to get off the first time around and they warily stepped out onto the street, discarding their drinks cans in a nearby bin before leisurely strolling to the end of the road.
"So...this is it," Merlin began, stuffing his hands into his jacket pockets and looking down at Mordred. "Unless you want me to walk you home...?"
"Oh, no. That's okay," Mordred replied quickly, not wanting to trouble the boy.
"Afraid your parents might catch us in the act?" Merlin smirked lightly, his eyes flashing with mischief.
"No!" the brunette denied, becoming flustered as he fiddled with his bag strap. "Its just not very far and its getting late so I wouldn't want to hold you up,"
"Relax, Mordred- I was kidding," the boy told him in a soothing tone, shaking his head a little. "...Do your parents know?"
"What?" the brunette queried, looking up at Merlin questioningly.
"That you like boys," Merlin elaborated with an open smile.
"Oh," Mordred nodded slightly before shaking his head. "No. I think they're worried I might be asexual since I've never really shown an interest in anyone..." he blushed and looked down as he trailed off. However, he glanced back up as Merlin wordlessly tugged him closer by the strap of his bag and leaned down to capture his lips. He raised his hands to lock behind the boys neck, fervently leaning up into the kiss. His mouth followed Merlin's as the latter pulled back and he opened his eyes, a pout forming.
"You shouldn't keep your parents waiting," Merlin said kindly, fingers still gripping the brunettes bag strap.
"I guess so," Mordred murmured reluctantly and the black haired boy grinned down at him.
"I'll call you," the boy told him. "When are you going to bed?"
"You could call me at ten-thirty...?" he suggested, absently running his fingers through Merlin's hair.
"Okay," the boy agreed, smiling gently before leaning back down for a final kiss. Mordred savoured the sensation as best he could before they broke away. "I'll talk to you later,"
"Alright," Mordred nodded, failing to suppress the lopsided grin that rose to his face as he started to walk away. "Bye," he lifted a hand slightly as Merlin stood with his hands in his pockets, watching him go.
"See you soon, Mordred," the black haired boy called, smiling crookedly and the brunette turned to head home, feeling as if he had just had the best night of his life. Even if it was only two bus rides and a bag of chips. He stopped abruptly, glancing over his shoulder to see that Merlin had turned to the side but was still staring after him. Without thinking, the brunette half-jogged back to the boy and went up on his tip-toes for just one last kiss. He felt laughter vibrate in the back of the boys throat and grinned into the kiss in response.
"I'm really going now," he announced breathlessly, pulling back again but Merlin sought and recaptured his lips. The brunette gasped as the boy wrapped him tightly in his arms, kissing him unabashedly. When Merlin eventually released his mouth, the boy hugged him and he nestled his face in the side of his neck.
"Okay, I'm done," the black haired boy said, humour lacing his tones as he pulled away.
"Okay," Mordred nodded once, smiling dazedly up at Merlin before sighing and heading home for real this time.
"I'll call you!" Merlin hollered after him and he turned back, his feet still moving, to reply, "Ten-thirty!"
He couldn't stop smiling as he faced the way he was going once more, his footsteps light and unhurried. He already missed Merlin and he couldn't wait until the next time he saw him; he'd just have to make do with the phone call for now, but he could be patient and he would. As long as he got to see the mysterious boy again.
Thanks for reading!
The title is inspired by the song of the same name by Smashing Pumpkins :)