as puppets master their strings.
Summary: 'Cause she can't deny it any more. HannahxLucas one shot.
Part I (hannah)
She's a pretty little thing (but not nearly pretty or little enough). Who wants pretty anyway? Pretties so ugh (easy, normal, yesterday). Anyone can be pretty if they know the right (ohso fabulous) hair style or (so totallystunning) makeup.
No, she wants perfection. The perfect eyes (mascara, eyeliner). The perfect skin (foundation, concealer, blush). The perfect lips (plumper, lipstick and gloss). The perfect hair (tints, highlights). The perfect body (a toothbrush, a pen, her three middle fingers eventually).
Sooner or later it becomes her mask but it's a mask she wears willingly. It hides the crumbling and oh so insecure girl behind a layer of makeup. It hides the secret of her (size 0) body which comes at the expense of her lunch (and dignity).
One year later she realizes being perfect isn't all that perfect especially when there's annoying and persistent and bothersome cracks in her mask like puffy eyes and tear tracks. She shouldn't be crying though; she's popular and popular people have no reason to be sad when they have everything. She shouldn't have those ugly little insecurities nibbling in her mind because she's gorgeous and skinny and everythingshe has ever wanted to be.
But being perfect also comes with a cost and the price for mistakes is unthinkable. But she's perfect, and perfect people don't make mistakes so she doesn't have to worry. At least thats what she tells herself time and time again when the doubts sprout in her mind and wrap around her thoughts like poison ivy.
The reason behind the doubts is that stupid, pathetic, tiny crush she has on Lucas. It snuck up on her at first with sweaty palms and blushes until she couldn't ignore it anymore. It's stupid though because she has the perfect boyfriend and she has no reason to be thinking of Lucas in favor of Sean.
"It's so stupid Hannah, I don't understand why we can't walk to class together. We're friends, you enjoy my company and I enjoy yours."
"Because Lucas, we're different! We're not supposed to be friends! I'm popular and well you're-"
"A loser? A dork? A nerd?"
"No, you're nice and if I bought you into my world I'm scared your going to lose that. It's one of the reason why I..."
"Why you what?"
"Nothing, forget it. I'll see you tomorrow. I'm sorry if I upset you."
It's three o'clock on a Tuesday and she's staring at her reflection, her throat burning and eyes watering and watering and watering. She makes the same promise she makes every time she rushes into the bathroom stall and throws up (this will be the last time).
"You know you're better than those popular kids. You're destined for so much more."
"Better, how?"
"Well for starters you can be friends with me."
It's three fifteen on a Tuesday when she wonders why she she isn't happy and glowing like she should be (after all she didn't put all that bronzer on for nothing).
"Thanks for defending me earlier Hannah."
"No worries, just keep out of there way next time."
"Why should I have too? It's everyone's corridor. I have just as much right to be there as they do."
"Is that why I had to come and save you from being beaten up by Noel today?"
"Why do you always defend them when you know I'm right?"
"They're my friends Lucas."
"And so am I or at least I thought I was"
It's three twenty when she wonders if she's actually perfect. I mean she just hurts sofreakingmuch. So how on earth can this be perfection?
"You were frowning Hannah."
"Huh, Lucas?"
"When you were talking to Mona, you were frowning."
"So?"
"I dunno, just seems weird. You shouldn't be so unhappy around your closest friends."
"They're not my closest friends."
"Then why do care so much about what they think?"
"Why do you always ask questions?"
"I guess I'm just trying to understand you, your world."
"Stop trying, stop guessing and just accept it."
It's three thirty on a Tuesday when she begins to feel ugly.It snakes around her throat and crawls around her skin like a swarm of ants that she can't shake off. They slither and burrow their way into her skin and the ugliness spreads around her body like poison.
(hideous, ugly, unattractive, ugly, plain, uglyuglyugly)
She doesn't bother telling herself it'll be the last time as she leans over the sink, her fingers trembling and body shaking.
"You look really pretty tonight Hannah."
"Just tonight?"
"Especially tonight."
"You do as well...Not pretty of course, but good. You look good."
"Thanks."
It's three thirty when something clicks inside her. She grabs a paper-towel and begins to rub her eyes and face and lips until there isn't a trace of makeup left. She's red and raw from all the scrubbing but for the first time in a year she recognizes herself in the reflection. She feels as though she's highlighted every. single. flaw on her face for the world to see but at least this time they'll be seeing her this time and not the candy-glossed-lips-artificially-tanned girl who was fake, fake, fake.
It's three forty when she bursts into the year book lab and flies into Lucas. He doesn't have time to look shocked or to ask questions because her lips have slammed into his and she's letting her mouth say everything she should have said a long time ago.
(Which is something along the lines of I love you.)