Disclaimer: I do NOT own anything Twilight. All rights belong to Stephenie Meyer. No copyright infringement is intended.
A/N: Ok Guys.. I came up with this story driving home from out of town one night. I've always wondered how Edward felt as he left Bella in New Moon and chose to leave his family as well. This is my take on it. I hope you enjoy it... be prepared though, it's pretty heavy. Big thanks to CaughtforCarlisle, for your great brainstorming and encouragement! You're awesome! ;o)
I ran as fast as I could. Ran from my heart; from my life. I had left both there, standing in the woods alone and broken.
I didn't feel the rush or exhilaration I had always felt as the wind whipped through my hair and the forest flew around me. Bella's face plagued my mind, tearing at me. Her fallen expression; chocolate eyes filled with pain and tears.
My eyes were stinging as I pushed myself even harder at the thought, fighting desperately against every fiber of myself that reached back to her. My body and heart waged war with my mind, screaming at me to turn around. The muscles in my arms were burning, aching for her. But I knew I could never return. I had to keep her safe… this was the only way.
So I ran on.
After I had gone about 30 miles I let myself stop. I stood panting from the struggle of keeping myself from turning around. My eyes continued to burn, as my breath hitched and I gasped for unneeded air. I shifted slightly, leaning my shoulder against the large tree at my side. Slowly I sank to rest on the ground, and leaning my head against the trunk I wept.
The venom tears that filled my eyes could not fall, but I wished they would. I wanted to release them, let them drip to the forest floor in hopes that they may carry some of this agony with them into the dirt. I felt broken, ravaged, incomplete, like part of me was missing. I mourned as I realized I would never be whole again, that I would never be with her again. She would move on, live and love without me. The thought was a blade carving through the tattered remains of my heart.
I pounded my fist into the trunk that I leaned on as I let out an agonized scream. I felt the wood crack and splinter from the blow. I struggled to my feet and did it again, this time digging my fingers into the bark, tearing out a hole to mirror the one in my chest. The broken pieces of wood fell to the ground to rest with my shattered self. I spun around then, eager for some release from the pain. I continued to sob in anguish as I wrapped my arms around another tree, uprooting it and throwing it hard into its neighbors.
But none of it did any good and I slid once again to the ground, leaning back against the uprooted tree and it's fallen and broken brothers. I wept harder, running my hands through my hair, tugging at it uselessly as I rested my forehead against my bended knees.
"Bella." I moaned through my sobs. "How am I to live without you?"
"Edward." I heard my name called in a voice soft and soothing.
My head snapped up at the sound.
"Car-lisle." I choked. He stood about ten feet away from me, watching me with wary, worried eyes. Alice had had a vision and Carlisle had come after me. As he took a small step towards me I cried out.
"NO!"
He froze at the outburst, face clouded with hurt and worry. He didn't know what to do.
"Don't…I can't… just… go… leave me be." I sobbed. I knew it would hurt him, and that in turn hurt me more. The pain was overbearing, engulfing me entirely. His face softened, as he tried, for my benefit, to wipe the hurt from his features. Ignoring my plea he came to me.
"Leave me alone… get away from me…" I choked out, trying unsuccessfully to scramble to my feet. I watched through clouded eyes as the pain of my words flashed through his. I whimpered at the sight.
Crouching down, he cupped my face with a shaking hand, softly running this thumb across my cheek. For a solitary moment, I relented, closing my eyes and leaning into his touch. My breath hitched and another hard sob shook through me. I needed him.
"Edward." He murmured softly after a moment, his voice almost pleading.
My eyes snapped open, still blurry with the tears I couldn't shed. His voice violently threw me back; back from that tender moment straight into agony. The gentle touch of his hand, now seemed to burn, making fresh pain crawl through my skin. It spread like poison, encompassing everything.
I quickly moved away from him, scrambling along the side of the fallen tree. Carlisle stayed frozen, looking after me with his hand still outstretched for the face no longer there. The irony his hand be reaching out to nothing… for I was nothing.
My son– He tried again to speak with me, this time through his mind. But I couldn't take it… the endearments, the love… I deserved none of it.
"No!" I let out a cry of agonized frustration, cutting him off. He dropped his hand and I whimpered.
"Please… please leave me." I begged again. He reminded me too much of her, little things about him sparking stinging memories. It hurt too much.
I won't.
"Oh God." I choked, wrapping my arms around myself.
"Edward, please… Let me…" Carlisle tried again, his voice pleading. All he wanted was to come to me, to help me, to hold me. It was evident... the torment I was causing him. Knowing this, only cut me further.
He moved toward me again, this time however, I was able to get to my feet.
I tried unsuccessfully not to look at his face, painted with sorrow and pain. It just made me think of her. It was that thought that caused me to cry harder as I came to the horrid realization that I couldn't go with him.
I couldn't bear to be reminded of her by all of them. I couldn't live with their love when I no longer had my own.
Carlisle got to his feet. He stood before me, eyes pleading and his hands shaking.
"I.. n-need to be.. a-alone." I whimpered.
"I won't let you." Carlisle responded desperately. His voice was cracking as he started to panic. He stepped towards me but I moved back. "You can't…" He whispered, as his pleading eyes glazed over with venomous tears.
I held myself tighter bending slightly at the waist as I sobbed harder. "Oh God…" I couldn't take this, it was if the tattered remnants of myself were shredding even further... as if what was torn hadn't been torn enough.
I looked into Carlisle's broken face, and felt self-hatred blossom in my grief. Both of the emotions consumed me like hell's fire; burning through my veins worse than any venom.
With one last agonized glance I forced myself to turn from him.
"I'm… s-sorry Carlisle." I whispered. And then, instead of running into his arms like I so desperately wanted, I fled once again.
"NO!" I heard him cry as I watched myself leave through his mind.
I heard him as he ran after me, heard his sobs of heartache.
Though my feet felt heavy as if weighed down by the pain, I pushed myself harder, heaving with the force of my suffering. I couldn't breathe; the agony choking me.
As I ran on I felt myself drown, no longer able to hold my head above the swirling ocean of torment.
I love you, my Edward. He called to me, through his mind, letting me know he would always wait for me. And then I heard his footfalls die away. He had to let me go.
I kept running, screaming in the anguish of leaving everything… all of me. I was truly nothing now… nothing but a shadow… alone in the endless forest for the broken.
A/N: Heavy I know. Please review, I'd love to know what you think!