Hey guys! *waves* First of all thanks for your interest in my story.

It's my first fanfic ever and I'm so nervous…

Actually i have no idea were this story is headed to so it's development is gonna be a surprise for all of us I guess. Also I'm not sure if I'll write smut because as I said, first fanfic and smut is hella embarrassing.

Secondly I have to put a trigger warning here. This story contains self-harm and various mental illnesses.

short description:

Castiel is a high school boy who is struggling with various mental illnesses like depression, anorexia, panic attacks and so on, due to a traumatic experience in his past. When one day he helps his school's football captain out of an embarassing situation he finds himself falling for the boy named Dean Winchester.

I assume by now you should have already noticed but as a precaution I'll write it out.

THIS IS YAOI / MALEXMALE / GAY-LOVE-STORY. DON'T LIKE THAT? DON'T READ IT.

Please leave rewievs so I know that I'm not writing this story for nothing also I'd love to know what you think of the story.

Just one small request. If you do write a review, please be respectful and do not insult anyone here. I'll gladly accept critique but I won't tolerate intellectually undemanding affronts.

I think for now that's all.

See ya at the end and please enjoy 3

My life buoy

chapter 1

He watched the red trickle down his arm. There was boredom in his eyes. These blue orbs had seen it so many times already; the blood painting delicate lines as gravity drew it alongside his forearm, but still he could't free his gaze. As his eyes were chained to the crimson tears, his mind began to drift off. How much longer was he able to put up with this? When would finally be the day that he dragged the blade across his wrist one last time, deep enough to end it all? Would it be soon? He didn't know. He didn't even know, why he hadn't done it yet. Maybe he was scared. Maybe there was one last part of his soul, there at the very back of his being, that still had a glimmer of hope in it. He just didn't know. Not that he cared. By now he was just waiting. Waiting for the day he could build up all his courage, for the day even this last, tiny part of his soul would give up and he would pick up the shimmering pice of metal one final time to tear his skin open for the life to escape his body.
Suddenly he snapped back to reality. Why?

"Cassy! I'm back!" Right. His brother had called him. The boy sighed, slowly got to his feet and waited for the colourful flickering to leave his field of vision. As the black tiles of the bathroom floor were clearly visible again, he took one last glance at his forearm, turned on the water to wash away any evidence of the cutting, weren't it for the thin, red lines decorating his wrist That gave him away. He put a band aid over the cuts, just to be sure the bleeding didn't start again and reveal his secret. Then he pulled the sleeve of his sweater half way over his hands and left the bathroom to welcome his brother.

"Hey Gabriel. You're early today.", the boy stated as he made his way downstairs. A fake smile plastered on his face as usual. He couldn't let his brother know now, could he? Gabriel might be a big bag of dicks sometimes but he still was his brother and the boy loved him. Maybe he's the reason I haven't pulled my plug yet, Cassy thought. I just couldn't cause him the pain of losing yet another part of his already so very diminished family. As the brown haired man replied, he jolted his little brother out of his thoughts for the second time.

"Yeah I was able to leave two hours earlier today. And of course I rushed home. Just for you, so you wouldn't have to be home alone any longer." As usual he lifted his hand to ruffle through Cassy's hair. The boy tried to dodge the hostile prank but he failed miserably. Just like every other day. It was kind of a ritual by now and he didn't mind it. Quite the contrary actually. He would have missed it if Gabriel hadn't pulled this little joke on him on a daily basis.

"Don't treat me like a kid. I'm very well capable of taking care of myself." At that he heard a quiet purring sound followed by a small, fluffy creature nuzzling his leg. "And of course little Sammy. I can take care of him as well." The blue eyed boy bent down to caress the kitten. He had a bit of a bad conscience at the thought of what he had done just a few minutes ago but he pushed the thought aside.

"So, ready for our Pirates of the Caribbean-marathon-movie night?" Gabriel asked with a huge grin on his face. The other forced a laugh "Of course! I've been excited all day! Now hurry up and start them." He was very impressed by his own acting skills. Just fascinating how good he had gotten at that. The two brothers raced to the couch and threw themselves onto it. This too was a ritual. They had a few of them. It was what held them together. The shattered pieces that were left of their souls. Memories they had to keep alive. Sometimes, it even felt like everything was still okay. As if they just had to call out for their youngest brother and he would shout an answer from his room, like always. As if they just had to pick up their phone, dial the number they had down cold and he would answer with "Heyo, lil bro!", like always. As if they had to just turn around and their mother would flash them a smile from the kitchen. As if they just had to wake up from a nightmare, open their eyes and the world would be idyllic. Of course it was only their mind playing a trick on them. A short high followed by an even deeper low of their feelings. But the high was addicting. If the illusion would be upright for just a moment it was worth it. That's why they daren't let go of their rituals. They just couldn't.

And that way they spent the night. Gabriel half laying, half sitting against the armrest, Cassy with his head on his brothers lap. And if he closed his eyes, he could almost feel their mother caressing his legs, sitting on the other end of the couch and his younger brothers soft locks gliding through his fingers while ruffling the brown down as the other sat on the floor, leaning against Gabriel's legs while the oldest strolled around the kitchen, whining about how they were so boring, staying home all night watching Keira Knightley and Orlando Bloom making out on screen.

Almost.

-X-

One more time he heard the sharp ringing that signalled the end of yet another period and the boy decided that he had stayed long enough in the library. He packed his books and pencils neatly into his bag, wished the librarian a good evening and left the room. As he was about to make his way down the corridor, he heard someone calling out a "Hey, you!" and usually the boy wouldn't feel addressed to but it was already 8 p.m. and except for him the hallways seemed empty, so he turned around. The view that came to his field of sight was definitely not what he had expected. Actually, it was a view no one would ever expect. There was the captain of their school's football team, school celebrity and hot as fuck, model-face, cute ass Dean Winchester, kneeling in front of a vending machine with his arm all the way up it. What the hell? " Could you.. maybe help me? … I'm kinda stuck here." The boy walked into the others direction. "Uh.. how…did.. I mean.. why..?" He didn't quite know what to say but it wasn't hard for the football captain to guess what the blue eyed boy wanted to say. "My Snickers got stuck and I tried to get it out. But… my shirt kinda … I don't know its tangled up with the machine in the back or something.. I dunno. Would ya mind untangling it?" Cassy just stood there and couldn't believe what he was witnessing just now. This had to be a joke or prank or dream or.. I don't know but .. reality.. no way. "Uhm… please?" The boy realised he hadn't moved an inch, was just standing there, staring at the kneeling Dean in front of him and how dumb he must look.

"Oh yeah, sorry." Cassy got behind Dean to examine the supposedly tangled up sweater and the clothing had truly wrapped around a loose screw. With skilled digits he freed the damsel in distress. "Oh thanks man. Ya really saved me here. I owe ya." Dean flashed a stunning smile and got up to reach Cassy his hand and help him up. He then unwrapped the acquired Snickers and happily took a bite. The green eyed hottie looked at the blue eyed next to him and then at his candy bar. Oh how could he be so impolite? The guy just saved him from an uncomfortable night at school, stuck in a vending machine and he made his saviour watch him eating the Snickers that got him into the situation. "Oh, Sorry! Want a bite?", He offered and practically shoved the candy bar in the others mouth (no pun intended. I promise./grin/) who surprisedly bit off a piece. "I'm Dean by the way." "Yes, I am aware of that fact." Cassy answered as he had swallowed. "Really?" The brown haired guy seemed to be a weezy bit strange as it was. "Who doesn't?You're a school celebrity." With that he raised his gaze for the first time to meet Dean's and the dirty blond boy had to admit that he just saw the stars being reflected in these bluest orbs to ever exist. "..oh ehm, yeah I guess." Embarrassed by the boy kind of invading his personal space, he lifted his arm to scratch his neck. "And.. care to enlighten me with yours?"

"Castiel." The other simply stated. "Okay." Dean didn't quite know how to reply to that and assumed Castiel had no interest in keeping this conversation going. "Well, Cas. Thanks again for saving me, I better get going now. See ya!" With that he made his way past the now shocked boy. Did he just call me.. Cas? What was it with these popular people? They did as they pleased and wouldn't even think about others. As for Castiel he felt strange with the nickname. Not that it mattered. They would probably never talk to each other again.

-X-

This evening Castiel laid in his bed, tossed and turned and couldn't find his way into the land of dreams. Every time he closed his eyes, these shimmering, green orbs would appear in front of him and make his heart flutter. No. This can't be. I can't develop a crush on Dean Winchester. He's out of your league. He wouldn't have ever noticed you if you hadn't been the only one in sight to help him. Someone like you would never be enough for someone like him. You wouldn't be ever enough for anyone. Forget him. HE'S OUT OF YOUR LEAGUE.

To shut his brain up Castiel decided to turn on the TV. The machine illuminated the room with a eerie blue but for the boy the noise was such a relief. Within the next hour he drifted off and finally fell asleep.

_ -X- _

Okay, wow. Well as for now that's it. I hope you liked the story at least a teensy weensy bit so far and I also hope to see you again next chapter. Speaking of! Unfortunately I can't define explicit updating dead-lines due to an extremely busy and stressful private life. But I can promise to do my best and continue the story at any given time.

This said I wish you a good morning/day/evening/whatever else. Take care. Till next time, lovelies!