The Suppression

Chapter One.

The sickness deepened further into my stomach.

Waiting.

Something that was never quite my forte.

Sitting in this room.

Choking on the smell of medical supplies and hand sanitizer.

This this is the most powerless I've ever felt.

Control was something I learned to demand from those around me at a young age. Evidently, to avoid the grey areas of life; the unsure places, that consumed me more than I ever cared to admit.

Most of the time I was successful- But it's not just about me anymore.

This whole situation had done a lot of things to me; good, bad and ugly. But mainly and most importantly, its made me see that all this time, all of the things that have happened, through every tear, through every smile, out of all I ever thought I needed to achieve whatever diluted happiness I was chasing. All that ever mattered; all I ever sought out.. was all wrapped up.

Wrapped up in her skin, so tan with kisses from the sun paying tribute to her beauty, as if to show her that even something that golden and magnificent, would fall- out of the clear blue sky, just for her. Wrapped up in her laugh that seeps into my mind, and re manifests itself into my own. Wrapped in the light in her eyes that could blind you every time she smiles. Wrapped up in the smell of chlorine, blended into her long, dark, silky hair. A smell that looking back, has always felt like home. A shelter in the midst of a hurricane. Iced cold lemonade on a hot day. The breath of fresh air I was always dying to take.. whenever I finally get to take it- she's always there. And now I know why.

Its her.

My breath of fresh air.

Its been her all this time.

I wasn't always the most honest person- but for every lie I told- I told three more to myself.

All about one thing.

Her.

Please don't get confused. I'm not saying that I didn't notice her. Didn't see the way she hung on every word I spoke. Or the way her eyes lingered on me like she was a kid again, seeing her first shooting star. Complete awe. And no matter how ugly a person I ever was, no matter how much I ever hurt her- and believe me, I did. More times than even I can count- she still looks at me like that. With the same look I saw in her eyes the first time we met. Like she's looking at everything she's ever wanted, all at once..

Who the hell could NOT see her.

I couldn't take my fucking eyes off her.

It was the fact that it consumed me to the point I couldn't think straight. This wasn't a game. There was a point in my life where everything was just that. A game. Boys, my friends, my family. My whole life was one giant monopoly board- more recently than you'd think. I knew what fake felt like. I lived it. This was something else.

Something that kept me awake at night replaying unspoken words in my head, over and over, kicking myself in the ass for letting yet another opportunity, letting her..

slip through my fingers.

She made me wonder if I could really be the person she thinks I am. Made me want to see if what she see's really is inside me somewhere. But no matter how hard I've searched, no matter how many flashlights I shine into the darkest corners of myself, I couldn't. and I think the only reason she can is because she's always going to see the best version of me; because only she brings that only she brings that out in me. We used to do assignments in school on the first day with stupid questions like "what's your name", (favorite book, best quality etc.) I had one once that asked what I loved most about myself. I couldn't answer it. Probably wrote down something about my hair. But, now. I realize. I love everything about myself when I'm with her.

As per usual thinking about her had me so out of my head that I didn't even hear the nurse call my name, asking me into the small blue office down a long grey hallway. Didn't feel my feet take me there. Didn't notice the hard plastic chair against my back. Or the heavy silence in the air like the calm before a storm.

I feel my phone vibrate.

Emily.

I feel a warmth spread through my chest.

We're on the bus to Brookhaven now, please, please, call me as soon as you're out. I honestly think I'm getting hives. I love you. -Em.

I had spent days reassuring her I would be okay to come on my own. In all reality, I've been a bundle of nerves just thinking about it. She makes everything easier. But I can't run. Not from this. And she doesn't need another weight on her shoulders.

She has become, somewhat obsessively supportive, and I honestly think she was more upset that she couldn't be here than I was.

While the doctor leaves the room to let me change into my hospital gown, I type her a quick message, then slide my phone into my bag.

After spending the fifteen minutes it now takes me to get undressed, and pulling the pale blue gown over my shoulders I laid back on the examination table.

As the doctor walked in his expression instantly made me feel as though something was off.

But with the way he asked me where Emily was full on confirmed it.

As an uneasy feeling set into the pit of my stomach, I explained Emily's absence to my OGBYN, saying she couldn't make it because she had a meet today.

Being assistant swim coach at Rosewood high meant I got to see her just as much at work as I do otherwise now. But it also meant a strict schedule. So I had to tough this one out on my own.

I was still half lost in my own thoughts I asked Dr. why he had called me in.

But I damn sure snapped back into place after he gave me an answer.

"This can't be right, you made a mistake. How could we have not known this whole time?"

"Well Ms. Dilaurentis, its not always completely evident in the earlier stages. Sometimes these things are overlooked. Though I apologize we couldn't see this coming sooner, all we can do now is try to adjust accordingly. You still have time to make plans, and prepare for this, even if it isn't as much as you would have liked, there's still time. I understand that you're probably feeling a little overwhelme-"

His words started fading faster than my brain could process them.

Everything started fading. Even the blue walls around us.

And then all of a sudden, it stopped- and everything went completely black.

The last thing I remember is falling.

And the first thing I remember after..

Well. Its basically the same thing.