There are two reasons for this fic: 1) I can't try to read a single Zuko fic without tripping over a heap of poorly written Zutaras and 2) I warmed up to Mai after re-watching the end of the series.
So, without further ado, may the mockery begin!
Warnings: Zutara bashing. Like, a lot.
Disclaimer: Me no own, you no sue. Got it?
A Sudden Case
By Moonlit Aura
The scene is a little clearing the middle of the woods. Zuko and Katara are alone. Zuko is sharping his swords while Katara practices her water bending in the pond nearby. Zuko occasionally looks up from his swords to glance at Katara nervously. Just as he looks away, Katara glares at him. The 'sexual tension', if one could call it that, is so thick that you could serve it with dinner.
Katara accidentally whips the water around too fast and gets it all over Zuko. Zuko, instead of being angry or at least slightly miffed, assures Katara that it is no big deal. His assurance takes the form of several hand gestures and way more touching than necessary. Katara is blushing.
"Really, it's not like me to make such as mistake," she says. "Maybe I'm just lacking in combat experience."
"Being in combat is a lot different from practice," Zuko agrees. He starts to back off, but suddenly stiffens and instead takes Katara's arm.
"Fighting an opponent is very good practice for a real battle," he says, sounding smooth and sexy instead of grumpy with a side of petulant, like he normally does. There are no comments about the sudden change in voice. "Would you like to spar with me Katara?"
Katara also tries to back away, but Zuko holds her fast. Then her eyes turn hazy and she leans into Zuko's embrace.
"I'd do anything with you, Zuko," she says breathily.
Apparently 'sparring' is now synonymous with making out, which the pair proceeds to do. It is getting steamy and Zuko's hand is reaching for Katara's breast when there is a rustle in the bushes. Both Zuko and Katara look up, confusion on their faces.
There is also a sense of confusion coming from the space above the lake. Katara and Zuko were supposed to be alone…
Mai stomps into the clearing and grabs Zuko, tearing him away from Katara.
"Go make out with someone else's boyfriend," she says. "And stop seducing mine. Why don't you go back to your little airbender. How old is he anyway? Are you sure it's not child molesting?"
Neither Zuko nor Katara say anything. Mai turns to look carefully at her boyfriend's eyes. She slaps him, then Katara, and then Katara again for good measure.
Katara and Zuko blink a few times and then look around as if they have no idea where they are. Katara spots Zuko and begins to glare at him. Zuko has a sense of self-preservation and hides behind Mai.
"Don't get mad at him," Mai says to Katara. "You were the one who started making out with him."
"I would never make out with a jerk like him," Katara snarls.
"You were both suffering from a case of OOC-ness," Mai says. "Probably brought on by that fangirl over there." She points to the space above the pond. The space is outraged and a little embarrassed.
"I won't kill you now," Mai says blandly. "But if you get near Zuko again without your little airbender being present, he will never find your body."
"Aang!" Katara says, as if she has just remembered his existence. She dashes out of the clearing and the fic.
"Look," Mai says to the space over the pond. "Katara's gone and there's no way I'll let you put your stupid spell on Zuko again. Now you may as well leave, because nothing here is going to interest you."
Zuko takes Mai into his arms. She smiles up at him.
"Want to spar?" Zuko says. His flirting is atrocious.
Mai doesn't care.
"I'd do anything with you, Zuko."
As the things they are doing begin to get increasingly M-rated, the space above the pond emits feelings of disgust and annoyance. It is then suddenly empty.
Mai smirks.
"That water-tribe girl tastes like seal jerky."
Zuko knows he is in trouble.
The End.