The brothers had been quiet for two days now. Two long, painfully quiet days. Oh sure, they spoke sometimes, but only when it was absolutely unavoidable. And when the one and two-word responses were over they returned to their respective silences resolutely, neither willing to be the first to speak.
It was torture for Dean. He remembered every word he said with that penny in his hand and, as much as he hated to admit it, he had meant every word. Maybe not exactly the way that he said it, but that was hardly his fault. Dean had been consumed with a white-hot rage that surged through him like a tidal wave, engulfing his entire being and twisting his thoughts and words into something ugly and harsher than they needed to be. Then those words and thoughts spilled over Sam like acid, and Dean knew that it had caused genuine damage.
Dean had mean what he said. But he certainly didn't mean to say them like that. He knew from the beginning that Sam never wanted this life. And yes, Dean still felt betrayed by everything that had happened between the two of them about Ruby and Purgatory, but he didn't mean to say it like that.
Honestly, Dean never meant to say it at all. He was hoping that he could just avoid the issue until it went away on it's own like he usually did. Unfortunately, the universe had other plans.
Sam wasn't in better shape than Dean. He was still absolutely livid at the things Dean had said, his self-righteous attitude about their lives and the secrets he had kept. Dean hounded Sam for years to tell him everything, being seriously pissed when Sam kept Ruby a secret, and here Dean was doing the same thing while throwing Sam's similar past mistakes in his face!
It was infuriating. Sam didn't understand why Dean hated him so much. If Dean really thought so little of him, then why did he keep dragging him back into the hunter lifestyle? And, for another thing, Dean wasn't the only one who felt betrayed. There were things that still hurt Sam too, things that Dean had done or said that were pissing him off, but he thought that he and Dean had agreed on a clean slate- you know, letting all that past crap go. Apparently not.
They were sitting in the impala two nights after the incident with the penny. The radio was on softly for background noise while Dean drove at a steady pace down the deserted highway. It was at least midnight, and they were headed to a new job they had just picked up in the papers.
Dean's thumbs were tapping against the steering wheel to the beat of the music playing almost unconsciously. He mind was still reeling from the fight with Sam and he hated it. He hated the tension between him and his brother.
The problem was, that Dean didn't know what to do. He wanted to bring it up, have a chance to explain himself but he knew that that would probably just make things worse.
But at the same time, Dean couldn't stand this impenetrable silence between him and his little brother. Dean missed the days when he and Sam would just drive to nowhere, talking and laughing the entire time. The days when they enjoyed each other's company. When they could look at each other without fear of judgement, hurt or betrayal.
Dean sighed and shifted in his seat slightly, catching Sam's attention. Sam shot him a suspicious look before returning his angry gaze out the window. Dean felt his heart rate start to pick up slightly and he knew that he was going to bring this up. He couldn't help it. The silence was killing him and he couldn't let Sam go on thinking that what he had said back there was the absolute truth. What he said was taken completely out of context of his inner thoughts. Dean needed the chance to explain himself.
Sighing again, Dean gripped the steering wheel tightly and said, "Sam-"
"Don't." Sam cut him off, turning his searing gaze onto his older brother before returning to looking out the window. "Just don't." Sam's voice was harsh with barely contained fury and Dean sighed, nodding.
The brother's dropped back into silence, the tension between them having increased if that were at all possible. Dean frowned, sighing again and shifting in his seat once more. He couldn't do this.
"I'm sorry, Sam." Dean forced out before Sam could cut him off again. Sam gave him an incredulous look and scoffed, rolling his eyes.
"No you're not. You meant every word back there." Sam said, his voice shaking with fury.
Dean nodded, his eyes focused intently on the road. "I did. But I'm sorry for the way they came out. I need to explain-"
"You don't need to explain anything, Dean." Sam practically shouted, his voice rising in annoyance. He sighed and swept his hair out of his face, shaking his head as he did so.
"Yes, I do. Dammit, Sam. I'm sorry, okay?" Dean shouted back, now feeling that it was an entirely crappy idea to have brought this up.
"No, Dean. It's not okay. I told you where I was coming from when I didn't look for you in Purgatory! I've talked to you about what happened with Ruby before and the demon blood and all that. But you never let it go!" Sam let go of the tight grip he had been holding on his anger, turning to face his brother head on, seething with rage.
Dean grit his teeth and clenched the steering wheel even tighter, his knuckles turning white. "Look, Sam, I haven't let it go. Alright? You're right. I wish to hell I could let it go man, but I don't know... that's just not me." Dean said, his voice lowering in volume as he spoke. Sam seemed no less riled up however, and Dean hastened to continue. "All our lives I've protected you, sacrificed for you-"
"I never asked you to do those things for me, Dean! You can't take out your crappy life on me when I didn't even-"
"Shit Sam, can you shut up for five freaking seconds?" Dean shouted, cutting his brother off immediately. Sam's mouth snapped shut with an audible click and Dean noted the way his body tensed unhappily. This talk was going so well. "I've protected you and sacrificed for you and I thought... Look, Sam. Sometimes I expect things from you because I would do the same for you. Sometimes I forget that we're... we're just different sometimes. You don't need me the same way I need you." Dean said bluntly.
Sam sighed, frustrated, and shook his head again. "Dean, you know that's not true."
"It is." Dean corrected wearily. Sam opened his mouth to say something and Dean cut him off, his voice firmer, "No, man, it is. You were able to build a life without me at Standford or with Ruby or Amelia. I could never do that, Sam. The one time I tried, with Lisa and Ben, I was a wreck. I drank too much, I had nightmares... I was half out of my mind most of the time." Dean confessed. He saw Sam relax just the slightest bit, a look of sympathy crossing his face.
"Dean... when I met Amelia, I thought I was just doing what you wanted me to do. We said that we had to stop sacrificing ourselves for each other and I thought that you meant it. I thought I would finally get to have a normal life, Dean. It's all I've ever wanted." Sam said emphatically, his tone ringing with the longing for that normal life.
Dean nodded, having known this. "I know. I've always known that Sam. I keep dragging you back into this life but I know it's not what you really want to do. I guess..." Dean trailed off, shaking his head. He scrubbed a hand over his tired face, wondering what the hell he was thinking when he decided to bring all this shit up.
"What?" Sam asked curiously, the anger slowly beginning to fade from his voice.
"I guess I've always been jealous. You could leave the life and make something of yourself. But I know that I'll always be a hunter, no matter what." Dean admitted quietly. He didn't mention it out loud, but the thought of hunting without his brother scared him as well. He and Sam were a team, he needed his brother. He didn't want to work without him. Why did Sam think he sold his soul for him in the first place? Dean just couldn't stand to live without him.
Sam sighed, having always known that about his brother. It was an unfortunate effect of their childhood, of their father telling Dean that he wasn't good enough and treating him like a soldier rather than a son.
"Dean... this talk, it doesn't fix everything." Sam said honestly, sighing. Dean nodded, his face tightening unhappily. "But, I want to fix things. I do. So, let's make this brick number one and build on it. Okay?"
Dean turned to stare at Sam, a small smile creeping across his face. Sam really had been listening to him last year. Dean nodded in agreement, turning his eyes back to the road and saying, "Okay, deal. Now, can we end this chick flick?"
"You started it." Sam said with a small smile, shaking his head at his brother.
"Shut up, Sammy." Dean said affectionately, rolling his eyes at his brother. They settled into a more comfortable silence, each relaxing a bit more in the other's presence. Sam was right. That talk hadn't fixed everything, maybe it didn't even fix anything. But it was a start, and if the brothers were good at anything, it was working with what they had. They would fix this, no matter what it took.