Restless

I'm a murderer.

Kadrian Mahariel first thought this when making his first kill to achieve adulthood. The clan had celebrated his ascension and he acquired his vallaslin. He remembered Tamlen sitting beside him, straining not to laugh as their faces burned from their new markings. Their kills would be used for food, and killing was absolutely necessary for the clan's survival. He knew all of this, those were the rules and laws of his people. It didn't make him feel better.

Tamlen had laughed at him and called him sentimental. "Sometimes doing what is necessary isn't always easy." He'd said. "But it has to be done. If you feel that strongly about it, wish their spirits a safe journey to the afterlife."

So he did. During every hunt Mahariel would send a small prayer for the lives he'd taken, and doing so brought him a sense of relief. Later, his ritual became more about respecting the cycle of life than pitying the creatures that fell to his bow.

He applied this principle once Duncan removed him from his dalish life. Thrown into the chaotic world of humans, Kadrian stumbled. Taking the lives of darkspawn came easier to him than killing wildlife. In his mind, he was releasing the corrupted creature from its pain and suffering. The taint was unnatural, a curse bestowed upon the land due to human's folly. All the same, he would complete his silent ritual. He prayed their spirits cleansed, their journey in the afterlife a more pleasant experience than the one they'd lived. Even killing those not tainted, humans and flat-ear….city elves, didn't fill him with the same sense of unease he'd had as a youth. He prayed for their spirits and moved on.

Tonight, he'd held his best friend's life in his hands. Ran Tamlen through with his sword and watched with tears streaming down his cheeks as the light died in those tainted eyes. Horror and disgust warred for supremacy in Kadrian's heart. Instead of prayer, he screamed to the heavens in his sorrow until his throat went raw. Deep down he knew he'd done the right thing. Tamlen would have suffered had he not slain him. Knowing the truth wouldn't fill the gaping hole in his heart. It wouldn't bring him back.

I never told him I once loved him.

There were so many things left unsaid.

And I killed him.

I'm a murderer.

Kadrian left the campsite, ignoring Alistair's attempts to placate him and avoiding Zevran outright. He didn't want to talk to either of them right now, especially not the Antivan. There would be nothing but pity in their eyes, and seeing it would only anger him.

Tamlen deserved a better life than this.

He paced the woods in a restless mood, anger washing over him in waves. His skin crawled, limbs itched for more movement. Kadrian ran, weaving through the trees until his lungs burned and his legs gave out under the strain. He sat there in the middle of the forest and wondered why he was spared in place of Tamlen. Could such a life be considered a blessing by the Creators, or was this a sick and twisted joke of the Dread Wolf?

As the first amber rays of light drifted over the horizon he prayed for release. For Tamlen and for himself.