Disclaimer: Again, these CSI characters do not belong to me. I do not own any creative right to any CSI character. They belong to CBS and whomever with the big clams at CSI Production Company so please don't sue me.

Pairing: My 'ship has only enough room for GSR. Everyone else, walk the plank!

Rating: T.

Spoilers: 7x23 – The Good, The Bad and The Dominatrix.

Summary: GSR. Grissom faces with the things he said, should have said and should not have said.

A/N: Enjoy and comments are always welcome! Thanks for reading! Peace… :)

Words Are Not Cheap

Author: litbuff

I have this young, beautiful girlfriend and she is currently livid with me.

As I lean back on the sofa watching her files down the maroon fibers of the rug with her pacing while churning out these quotes that I don't remember ever saying, I am quite amazed at her selective memory when she is at her full fury. Ok, I lied. I admit, I do remember some vividly but others I would rather forget.

As she flings my own words back at me, I stoically compartmentalize each and every one into lists such as "Things that shouldn't been said to Sara", "Things that shouldn't been heard by Sara", "Things that were meant for Sara" and "No fair! Job related comment."

I stare at her flush face as she rattles off with "The Lab needs you here." Technically, at the risk of sounding like an arrogant bastard, I was the Lab and the Lab was I. For as long as I could remember, my work consumed me, merging my professional and private lives to the point where I could not differentiate between the two. So when she threatened to take a long leave of absence, the first words that shot out of my mouth were "The Lab needs you here" which translated to "I need you here." I thought those words conveyed clearly how valuable she was, and still is, to me. Which leads her to the next recollection…

"I need you." I am accused of being a nacissistic decomposing swine for manipulating her to do my wills just by saying what she foolishly wanted to hear. As much as I wanted to kiss her the minute she strolled toward me that day, reprimanded me for taking her out of the so-called "continuing education program" and lit up my morning with that upward curve of her lips, all I could do was put on my professional face and bluff my way through a lame excuse that there was no one else I could call in for help. How could she not realize it when later that night I seriously invaded her personal space in the layout room as we leaned over the table, recounting her activities for the day. Our arms fleetingly touched and it took every ounce of my self-control to not reach over to her and carry out my fantasy with her on that layout table.

Then she startles me with "Since I met you." Whoa, I thought this one safely belongs to "Things that were meant for Sara" but it turns out to be "Things that were meant for Sara but could be used against Gil Grissom when Sara was pissed." She claims that I played with her heart and discarded it without a thought. How could I play with her heart when I hadn't possessed my own since she waltzed into my life, opened up my eyes and taught me that beauty did indeed exist in this bleak world?

Next, she douses me with "I don't know what to do about this" and follows by its fraternal twin, the cringing "Let's have dinner, shall we?" All right, I will need to defend myself with these. When she asked me out to dinner the day the lab exploded, I had a lot on my mind. First of all, I was going deaf. I had been for over a year and that night, I finally made the decision to attempt to fix it. When I said attempt, I wasn't sure what the outcome would be so I was basically facing a life altering moment. The last thing I wanted to do was to burden someone else with my problems, least of all, Sara. Secondly, I was sure when the shock of the lab accident finally settled, Sara would look at the whole incident in a new perspective. Therefore, I could not and would not, take advantage of her vulnerability when all she wanted was comfort while I, myself, didn't have it in my ability to give it to her. As for the other dinner invitation, I was just asking a colleague to what a normal day worker would call lunch. Sofia did not deserve the injustice Ecklie dealt her and as a supervisor, I just wanted to empower her not to give up. I didn't understand why she was jealous of Sofia when every time I laid eyes on another woman, all I could think of was her.

I am not surprised when she brings up "I couldn't do it..." This one was not meant for her ears. I was in no condition to think after pulling a triple on the Debbie Marlin case. For the first time since I met her, the possibility of loosing Sara hit me, hard. Not just because of the physical resemblance between the Marlin woman and Sara but the whole parallel circumstances between an older guy with his young love. Lurie took the drastic step to numb his pain but in the end, he had nothing but sorrow and loneliness. I could relate to some of his thoughts and feelings but if I was to lose Sara… it would literally kill me… She held the power that could destroy me and it scared the hell out of me. So when I said I couldn't risk it, it had nothing to do with my career but more to do with my mental and emotional being. And so I pushed her away… once again…

I think she is running out of steam when she throws out "Or maybe they were suffocating each other and he couldn't breathe." This definitely falls under the category "No fair! Job related comment." We were at a crime scene and were discussing the case when being a Big Mouth Billy Bass, I blurted out one viable explanation why a married couple would want to sleep in separate bedrooms. She took that I meant our fledging relationship when all I thought of was the murder case at hand. She should know by now that she is the air that I breathe and the blood of my veins.

Then she pulls out the big gun for the grand finale with the guilt infested "I'll miss you." I did miss her terribly and I was a coward for not mailing her the letter that I spilt my heart into writing. I wanted to send her that beautiful sonnet that epitomized my feelings for her but at the last moment, my fears overwhelmed me. She chased away my demons but when I was without her, my insecurity once again pulled me into that dark recess of self-doubts. I was afraid she would see my weakness reflected in those honest words and would think less of me as a man.

Sara slows her stride and I can see the pain etched on her face as she finally gets to the culprits of her anger: "I'm the only one Heather trusts" and "She was here ... with me." Yes, I am a lousy boyfriend. Before she became my lover, Sara had been my friend and confidante. I trusted her with thoughts that I would not normally share with anyone else. Until I realized that I was in love with her… My unfounded fears made me shut her out for the longest time and I found myself miserably alone. But when we finally became one… body, mind and soul… I opened up to her without reservations and she never once judged me for my shortcomings. Until now.

"Sara… honey?" She momentarily stops in her track and turns her head toward me, brow raises high and lips tightly purse. "I am sorry I hurt you."

Her eyes narrow suspiciously but the brow begins to level. I take that as a good sign so I tread on, "When I made that decision to kiss you that night many moons ago, I swore that I would rather hurt myself before I would let you feel a shred of pain. And I meant every word that I vowed… secretly in my heart."

Her graceful body now fully faces me as I hold her attention. "If you're trying to convince yourself that there is something going on between me and Heather, please don't. There never was, is nor will be any love between her and me. Do you remember the case we had many years ago when a sick passenger on a plane went berserk and no one gave him the time of day so he ended up being killed by the other passengers?"

She silently nods at me.

"Do you remember what I said about how people made assumptions but nobody put themselves in the shoes of the victim?"

She nods again, this time, her eyes widen with understanding as she recites those words of long ago, "If just one person had stopped and taken the time to look at the guy, to listen to him, to figure out what was wrong with him… it might not have happened. It took five people to kill him. It would have only taken one person to save his life."

"I was just trying to save her life Sara. Nothing more." I gaze at her as she approaches me and straddles my lap. My heart skips a few beats and my stomach somersaults at her closeness. My hands come up to capture her face as I continue, "I know I am not very articulate when it comes to you and I know I can be a real screw up when it comes to this boyfriend business. I am just an old fart who wished for an angel and was blessed with you. What I am trying to say is… this old soul is nothing without you and…and… I love you…"

Her eyes begin to swell with tears and I pray that those are joyous. My thumbs swipe the droplets that pool at the corners of her eyes as she tilts her head forward into the palms of my hands. I feel exhilarated to be able to get those words off my chest. They are long overdue and she deserves to hear them. "I love you Sara Sidle… you are my everything."

With that, I am awarded with a pair of luscious lips press firmly against my own and wandering hands down my body. As my heart and soul get lost in her passion, my last coherent thought is those three magic words shall forever be delegated to "Shall often be said to Sara."

FIN