The Beautiful House of Haruhi Suzumiya
It was a normal day in th Brigade Clubroom, Me (I'm Kyon) was just chilein crackin open a cold one with my buds (and Haruhi that bitch stinks) when all the sudden Haruhi stood up with her radioactive tentacles and eyes.
"Keeyawn-kun Denwa" Haruhi Said With A Sexy Tone "I Just Talk To David Byrne…. He is Bringing the Band back together!"
"Oh shit…." I said aloud to Haruhi and the SOS members. "David Byrne… isn't he from the band the T-"
"THE TALKING HEADS ONLY THE GREATEST BAND EVER!" Haruhi exclaimed in a very exclamatory manner. "I LOVE their Music! Except for More Songs about Buildings and Food and Their Last Two albums…"
"I agree Haruhi Suzumiya from East Ju8nior High… but I" don't. I said in my usual sarcastic sarcasm. "I think More Songs is their magnum opus!"
"You're so wrong Kyon-Kun…. Why do I even like you when you can't realize that Remain in Light is their best outing!"
"What the hell did u say do you like me?" I said very furiously. I approached Haruhi and she start blushing like a grapefruit. I angrily grabbed her face and kissed her like she was the Blue Hiar Alien lady who tried to stab me stabbing my stomach.
Just as I was furiously very muddily kissing Haruhi David Byrne steps into the room.
"Am I interrupting you lads?" David said, stroking his guitar and flashing his genius smile. Haruhi broke off from my tongue very loosely and looked at David Byrne with a look that would scare the sun in a staring contest with the Moon.
"Holy shit! It is David Byrne from The Talking Heads The Best Post Punk Band and New Wave Act from the Late Seventies and THE Early Nineties!" Haruhi said while quickly putting her hair up in a ponytail knowing how much Ponytails suited her thanks to Kyon Kun.
"That it is…. Psycho Killer! Tumblr! Fafafa!" David said while strumming his guitar furiously. The sound emitting from his guitar was very reminiscent of the sound Yuki made in the alternate universe when she was being a shy kawaii ugly prick. I clamped my ears on reflex but Haruhi swiftly ripped her ribbon out and latched it onto my arm, she gave it a good yank and my arm was swiftly dislocated.
"Ah!" I screamed in agony as my dislocated arm proceeded to dislocate! "Haruhi my arm is fucking broken!"
"Oops…" she said in a very Haruhi tone.
"Bazinga!" David Byrne Said while staring at the camera, the laugh track rolled. "Anyways, I was told you guys were performing in the culture festival tomorrow and you wanted our help to play some banger ass songs!"
"You betcha!" Haruhi said with a smile that rivaled the fact that so many books still name the Beatles as "the greatest or most significant or most influential" rock band ever only tells you how far rock music still is from becoming a serious art. Jazz critics have long recognized that the greatest jazz musicians of all times are Duke Ellington and John Coltrane, who were not the most famous or richest or best sellers of their times, let alone of all times. Classical critics rank the highly controversial Beethoven over classical musicians who were highly popular in courts around Europe. Rock critics are still blinded by commercial success. The Beatles sold more than anyone else (not true, by the way), therefore they must have been the greatest. Jazz critics grow up listening to a lot of jazz music of the past, classical critics grow up listening to a lot of classical music of the past. Rock critics are often totally ignorant of the rock music of the past, they barely know the best sellers. No wonder they will think that the Beatles did anything worthy of being saved. "Me and Kyon are OFFICIALLY dating because we kissed and we are making a band without the other members because they fucking suck at their instruments!"
Me being Kyon was so awestruck at what she said…. My brain was scrambled like an egg that was scrambled for breakfast by Haruhi Suzumiya herself. "We are KNOT dating! Or Maybe we are if u really want…" I said letting my dere (pronounced DEER) side get the best of me… "also Yuki freakin owns at the guitar! She blasted through God Knows on expert 100% FC."
"You are so right about that Kyon omfg lmao! How did I forget xDD" Haruhi said with a pout that was poutier than the poutiest pout. "I guess you could say I can't sleep because my bed's on fire, don't touch me I'm a real livewire."
"Psycho killer, qu'est-ce que c'est Fa-fa-fa-fa, fa-fa-fa-fa-fa, far better Run, run, run, run, run, run, run away Psycho killer, qu'est-ce que c'est Fa-fa-fa-fa, fa-fa-fa-fa-fa, far better Run, run, run, run, run, run, run away" We all exclaimed in unison. God damn we Love Talking Heads at the SOS Brigade!
David studied us intently, he seemed to be processing our prior conversation before making his move. Much like a very tactical (and tactile) game of Poker with Kaiji at a drunk bar mitzvah. "I see, I'll see what I can do for you loyal fans. But I have one thing to note…" His look shifted from a contemplative one to one more akin to an ogre who just had an arrow pulled out of his ass "You start a conversation, you can't even finish it You're talking a lot, but you're not saying anything When I have nothing to say, my lips are sealed Say something once, why say it again?"
This question struck both me and Haruhi hard. We looked at each other trying to find the answer within each others eyes but we soon realized that eyes were not able to communicate and we were being idiots. I was finna open my mouth to talk but Haruhi shoved her fist in and grabbed my uvula before I even got a word out. The next thing I knew I was bleeding from the whole in my mouth while Haruhi was holding it, she put it into her mouth and started chewing. As she was chewing she must have figured out what she was gonna say because all the sudden she just screamed.
"BRAIN BLAST! That's it Goddard! We have to learn to cooperate to get the band back together!" Haruhi screamed whilst every other word had her spitting out some of the chewed uvula on the floor.
"That's it! But here's a word of advice… if you try and solve your communication through animals don't." David said with a serious tone. His face contorted into what can only be described as anger never before seen. "I'M MAD! AND THA'TS A FACT! I FOUND OUT… ANIMALS DON'T HELP!" He screamed like a screaming singer. "ANIMALS THINK, THYE'RE PRETTY SMART. SHIT ON THE GROUND. SHIT ON THE DARK." He screamed.
"I get it now, don't trust animals!" I said, cutting off David before he continued onwards and upwards. My mouth was still bleeding but Haruhi quickly gave me a smoocherino and the remainder of the uvula reformed in the back of my throat.
We all nodded in unison. David Byrne grabbed our hands and lead us to the band room. (The Room Which Band does stuff.) We picked up our guitars and started strumming. We strummed and strummed but nothing but chum came out. We had decided we needed to get the Krabby Patty formula before going any further. We decided that we couldn't do it that day because it was getting rather late, so Haruhi and I decided to head over to her house to watch some Net Flix and Chill.
She put on Sponge Bob, My Favorite Televised Series. I smiled with a smile that would rival the Krusty Krab's Television. Sadly, we had tuned into the big sponge at the wrong time as the episode did not pertain to anything involving the Krabby Patty formula or even Plankton for that matter. It was a dreaded Gary the Snail episode!
"DAMN, THAT TELEVISION! WHAT A BAD PICTURE!" Haruhi exclaimed in a tone that was angry.
"Don't get upset… yare yare….. it's not a MAJOR disaster!" Me, Kyon-Kun Denwa exclaimed in a much less negative but still somewhat rage filled angry mean tone.
"There's nothing on tonight", she said, "I don't know what's the matter!"
"Nothing's ever on", he said, "so I don't know why you bother"
We've heard this little scene, we've heard it many times People fighting over little things and wasting precious time. We might be better off, I think, the way it seems to me
Making up our own shows, that might be better than tv. All the sudden I realized that Haruhi and I were in perfect synchronization, much like Asuka and Shinji in that Evangelion episode where they got into perfect synchronization to battle an Angel because they couldn't do it if they weren't in perfect synchronization and they weren't in perfect synchronization prior.
"You ready?" She asked, with a smirk that was much like a smirk from the third novel but not much like the ones that came after that. It seemed this intense workout of the brain has stressed her so much she had relapsed into her previous narcoleptic narcissistic state of mind. Some might even call it a New York State of Mind. (I love Naughty Nasty NAS by the way, Me Kyon love Nas my favourite album of his is the Marshall LP.)
"Hell yeah I am , Me Kyon Kun Denwa)."
"MIKURUs in the bedroom, inventing situations
YUKI is on the street today, scouting up locations
They've enlisted all their family
They've enlisted all their KOIZUMIS
It helped save their relationship
And made it work again" Me and Haruhi Screaemd in perfect unison. Much like a banjo and a kazoo.
The Next Day.
We walked to school, I had to carry Haruhi because I broke her legs in 337 different places during our bed-breaking sex last night (I broke her bed). We were set to skip class that day and help David Byrne help us in helping make great music and make music great again. We met him.
"TAKE A LOOK AT THESE HANDS!" David said in a very wild tone, he was clearly distressed though. "TAKE A LOOK AT THESE HANDS!" He yelped again. We decided it'd be best if we did as we were being told, and when we looked we were horrified to discover his right hand was broken, and his left hand had a mouth not unlike the one that was on Haruhi. "THE HAND SPEAKS" He shrieked, absolutely mortified at the situation he had found himself in. "THE HAND OF A GOVERNMENT MAN!" He said, clearly delirious at this point.
"Are you okay? Haruhi knows first AIDS." I said in my hilariously sarcastic and witty way. "Are will you be okay? I mean after all you are THE famous David By-"
"WELL, I'M A TUMBLR. BORN UNDER PUNCHES!" He screamed, at this point he had a knife and was sawing away at his hand. "I'M SO THIN!" He screamed as he finally succeeded in cutting off his hand. His lack of a hand spot bled with so much blood you'd assume it was Haruhi on a typical August the 33rd.
"Aw shit David Byrne is gonna die." Haruhi said. "Oh well, I was getting bored of the Geezer anyways. I found this new obscure band…." Haruhi gave a smirk reminiscent of Arnold Scwrarhzaerger from the Terminator series of Home DVDS. "THE PINK FLOYDS!" She exclaimed!
"Haruhi… u are a true patrician!" I smiled proud of her refined taste. "But we ain't got enough time to fix our setlist for Pink Floyd Music we need to perform THE TALKING HEADS music, think of it as a legacy concert…..
"FINE…. I really doint want to, I'm boredc of them but you know… what can you do." All the sudden, a zombie appeared out of the ground. It was freaking DAVID BOWIE!
"You're just a little girl with grey eyes
Never mind, say something
Wait until the crowd cries
Oh, wait until the crowd cries
You're just a little girl with grey eyes
So deep in your room
You never leave your room
Something deep inside of me
Yearning deep inside of me
Talking through the gloom
What in the world can you do
What in the world can you do
I'm in the mood for your love
For your love
For your love" The freaking DAVID BOWIE zombie said!
You are so right… I thought in my head. Haruhi on the other hand, had much different onions on the matter.
"You're overrated /mu/core trash!" She said as she attacked the zombie til the zombie died like a zombie. "That's better, let's get ready for the concert!"
Yare yare….
NIGHT OF CONCERT.
Well the concert night is here and we only have 3 members, me on the saxophone – Haruhi on the Bass guitar and Yuki Nagato on the LEAD guitar. We ended up not rehearsing at all but we had a vague idea of what songs we might be playing.
"Okay lads, we are gonna own 2nite! We'll play whatever song I want just follow my cue when I start playing the tune of a song!" Haruhi said with a trombone style tone. "Think of it like a melody!"
"Haruhi we didn't freakin practice this." I said, very angry at the lady I broke the bed of. "We practiced one song only!"
"Doint worry… doint you agree Nagato?"
"Nah, we're fucked lmao!" Yuki said. Based Yuki.
"Yeah whatever you're wrong." Haruhi said with a huff and a puff and she blew the curtains down, revealing our audience. It turns out we had an audience of approximately 5.7 million, as she advertised us as the official tribute band to the David Byrne death memorial service death service.
"ONE TWO THREE FOUR" Haruhi screamed very abruptly, I was not ready. I dropped my saxophone and it broke. I had to think fast so I whipped out my iPhone 7+ and the piano app and got ready to play my part. To the surprise of no one, our show was turning into a complete disaster. Our bass, piano, and lead guitar all did different things at once. Despite this, Haruhi started singing.
"Take a look at these hands
Take a lo The hand of a government man
Well I'm a tumblr
Born und ahead of yourself
[Verse 2]
Don't you miss it, don't you miss it
Some 'a you people just about missed it
Last time to make plans
(Thank you! Thank you!)
When you get to where you wanna be
Psycho killer, n, run, run away
Psycho killer, qu'est-ce que c'est
erse 2] You start a conversatot saying an" Haruhi sang in a very songy tone. "And you may find yourself
Living in a shotgun shack
And you may find yourself
In another part of the world
And you may find yourself
Behind the wheel of a large automobile
And you may find yourself in a beautiful house
With a beautiful wife
And you may ask yourself, well
How did I get here? YEAH HOW DID I GET HERE HOW DID I ME HARUHI GET HERE! YEAH MOSH LOUDER!
And you may ask yourself
How do I work this?
And you may ask yourself
Where is that large automobile?
And you may tell yourself
This is not my beautiful house!
And you may tell yourself
This is not my beautiful wife!" Haruhi sang in her songy tone. She looked at me very thoughtfully and started going on a freakin freestyle! Holy BHIT! "This is not my beautiful wife! THIS THIS This is not my beautiful wife! THIS THIS This is not my beautiful wife! THIS NOT NOT This is not my beautiful wife!" She sang like a DJ singing to a petunia. Her songs
The crowd was wilin, we had a moshpit in the front. I do not understand how, and then I realized that while we weren't paying attention Captain Beefhart was so impressed with our avant-gardeness that he joined us on stage despite being long dead! He was wilin with is magic band in support of our music, and all was good. Haruhi must've noted this too because she started playing the most noided song of all time.
"Goin' back to Tangier
With some jordans and a spear
Post-Christian shit
Post chicken or the egg addiction shit
Pass the sherm stick
(When you come out your shit is gone) [x4]
I'm in your area, I'm in your area [x2]
I know the first three numbers, I'm in [x2]
My existence is a momentary lapse of reason
Got the DNA of Gothic lemons
Leave it for the homeless to sleep it
Prodigal, fuck that nautical
Teachin' bitches how to swimI'm in your area, I'm in your area [x2]
I know the first three numbers, I'm in [x2]
I'm in your area, I'm in your area [x2]
The cray cray ultra contrarion
Havin' conversations with your car alarm
Front row at the mass games
Untraceable by name
You speak of us in certain circles you will be dethroned or detained
Gone, gone
I know the first three numbers, I'm in [x2]"
The crowd started going too wild, the building caught fire. We recorded our first album the next day and it was titled….
Trout HARUHI SUZUMIYA Replica – Brigade Leader Suzumiya and Her Magic Band
Also we got approached by a few ladies from The Light Music Club but they fucking sucked and are low-tier waifu bait god I hate the Keions me Kyon ahte Keion least favorite anime… despite that htough there was this cool kid named LUCAS there… and he did know John Cena… so maybe one day… we will collab? Who knows. Either way this is KYON KUN DENWA signing off haha! Don't you miss it! SOME OF YOU PEOPLE JUST ABOUT MISSED IT. I'm a tumblr! H aha! Last time to make plans! Hah I'm a government man.
AUTHORS NOTES:
IN LOVING MEMORY OF DAVID BYRNE
19? – DECEMBER 25TH 2017
THERE'S NO ESCAPING IT THIS TIME… DEAR FRIEND….