Having Loved

"'Tis better to have love and lost/Than never to have loved at all" -Alfred Lord Tennyson

Simon sighed. Now that Nimah had the files on him, he knew he would leave Quantico. He would be expelled. But he couldn't leave.

He loved Raina, and if everything was revealed, he would lose her forever. He shuddered. He knew that he loved her, and he knew that maybe, just maybe, someday he might ask her to be his bride.

Maybe this is karma, he thought as he poured himself a cup of coffee in the nearly deserted break room. Only Tamer ibn Musa, a Sunni imam's son who sought refuge in the United States after his father rejected him for being a Twelver Shi'a. Tamer looked up.

"Hey," Tamer said to Simon. "Tell me what's wrong. Problems with the twins?" He beckoned to Simon to sit. Simon reluctantly sat. Immediately he began to cry. "Hey, hey, now, tell me what's wrong." Simon looked up. And he told him everything. What he actually did in Gaza. His service in the Israeli Defense Forces. Everything. Tamer sat through it, nodding when appropriate.

"I can't stop believing this is karma. This is God punishing me for leading those women into interrogations which ruined their lives. And now, it's going to destroy any happiness I could have here," Simon said sadly.

"Well," Tamer began," your bad deeds are nothing like what I did. I designed rockets for certain groups in Jordanian refugee camps. I possibly caused hundreds to die." Tamer said, patting Simon on the back. Simon looked at him, now feeling determination.

"You know what we need to do," Simon said. Tamer looked at him quizzically. " We need to make the communities talk. We can redeem ourselves."

"What do we need to do?" Tamer asked, looking interested.

"We need to plant bombs underneath the 6th Street Mosque and Temple Emanu-El in New York."

Tamer was speechless for a second. "Give me a few days. I will have a prototype plan. Now you need to talk to Raina." he said. He left Simon wondering what he would say to Raina.

Simon prepared to knock on Raina's door. He had just seen Nimah leave the room and he knew it was time. He knocked. The door opened, and Raina was standing there. "I need to talk to you," he said.

"Come in," she said, welcoming him in. Her huge brown eyes looked at him with concern, for he looked very sad.

"I just needed…" he started, but he couldn't find the words to tell her. He looked down. "I just needed to tell you that I love you, and if there was any chance of you loving me, it will be ruined tomorrow. I am so sorry."

"What are you talking about? You love me? What will happen tomorrow?" Raina asked, bewildered. "Please, just tell me!" Simon just shook his head.

"I am so sorry. And… I never loved anybody before you and I know I am going to lose you. I have to go." He escaped to his room quickly. He laid down on the bed and started crying. I am sorry. I am sorry.

He heard his phone buzz. He knew it was Raina, so he didn't check it.

While he was packing his bags, he checked his phone for the first time since last night. "I will love you. Always." it read. Simon felt tears welling in his eyes, but he did not start crying. He slowly walked out into the hall with his packed bags. It was time to leave.

He looked into her room. She noticed, and moved out of sight. Nimah closed the door with smug victory plastered on her face.

Simon was sad. But, as he hailed a cab to go to a hotel where he would be staying for a while, he remembered the most beautiful lines of poetry, and took solace in them:

"Tis better to have loved and lost,

Than never to have loved at all"