Spinelli sat on top of Old Rusty, watching the sunset. It was a glorious sight, powerful and, somehow, sad. It was yet another ending, like the ending of her years at Third Street Elementary, like the ending of her platonic feelings for TJ. These things, although regular occurrences for all children making the inescapable journey into adulthood, were monumental events for Spinelli. Both presented the daunting journey into the unknown. Now, three years later, Spinelli had already traveled the first road. She had yet to conquer her fear of traveling the second.
Spinelli was tough. She wasn't scared of the small things, like spiders and heights and someone else's fist. But no amount of well-aimed punches and witty insults could prepare her for the road ahead…Nothing could prepare her for love.
It made her feel more grown up than anything. It also made her feel more isolated than anything. This wasn't something she could turn to her friends about. Wryly, she thought that TJ would have been the ideal person to talk to, had it not been for the fact that he was the very subject of her confusion. Gretchen and her books… Surely no book could contain a solution to love itself. Spinelli's thoughts skimmed over her other friends, but what would they say?
Nothing useful, an honest voice said in her head.
Spinelli was a person of action, of impulse. Her head knew no patience, and yet, her heart had prevented her from acting on her instincts time and time again…
- flashback –
TJ was sitting in front of his computer, looking for pictures on the Internet to stick on his Christmas cards. So stubbornly, he insisted that he should make all the cards by hand, almost like he had back in fourth grade. Spinelli, desperate to spend some time alone with her friend, had valiantly offered to help. Four hours later and they were still at it.
"Hey, come look here!" TJ exclaimed. This time, Spinelli hoped, he would find something useful. She glanced at the screen.
"Um, Teej, what am I looking at?" She asked, confused. This was a picture of their class in their first year, neatly lined up. TJ's mouth twitched as he zoomed in on the picture. It was so zoomed in that Spinelli could see the make on Gretchen's glasses. TJ panned to the left, until the mouse rested on someone's small nose. Spinelli groaned and felt herself redden. A booger hung out of the nose, most unattractively. She glared at TJ, growing more and more embarrassed by the second. Her anger flared when he chuckled appreciatively.
"TJ! You asswipe!" she yelped, and grasped a fistful of the thick hair on the back of his head.
"Aaaah! Spinelli! Spinelli, let go, let go!" he begged.
"Not until you to apologize. Say sorry!" Spinelli ordered. The way TJ wrinkled his nose made her heart soften.
"Spinelli!" TJ drew out her name. Again, Spinelli's heart softened. She caught sight of the computer screen again, and commanded that TJ apologize.
"Okay! Okay! I'm sorry." Spinelli tugged a little harder. "Spinelli, I'm really, really sorry." TJ's eye's pierced hers. She let go and told herself to draw her hand back before she made a fool of herself. Of its own accord, her hand drew slowly around to the side of his head, and stroked its way onto his jaw bone. Blood thumped in her ears. If she lifted his chin a bit, she could lean down and press her lips to his. Just quickly. Just to feel it. But then she came to her senses, and rapidly turned away, seating herself out of reach, before her body could ruin her entire friendship for her.
- end flashback –
She still wondered if he had noticed that her hand had lingered on his jaw for far too long. It pained her to think he had. It pained her even more to wonder what he had been thinking at that very moment. Her patience was going as quickly as it had come. This wasn't a case of her head overpowering her heart; it was a case of her heart becoming so consumed by TJ that she could barely stand talking to him for fear of letting those three words slip from her mouth.
The street lights flashed on, awakening Spinelli from her reverie. It was time to get home. She hopped off Old Rusty and gave her old playground a last, longing glance. It had been good to come here one more time; she hadn't stepped onto the playground for almost three years. It reminded her of the Spinelli who, in all fairness, had been braver. That Spinelli had let everyone know her feelings, whether they were welcome or not. That Spinelli, although young and inexperienced, would have told her to get her act together and do something. Spinelli shivered. Perhaps it was time to do something, she thought as she clambered over the fence. It was a Wednesday evening, and she should be focusing on her soccer match the next day, not lamenting over her younger self.
Once again she was startled, this time by loud voices at the end of the street. She turned to look at the sources of the voices. Three figures were parting, two heading off towards Second Street, while a third waved goodbye. As the figure turned, Spinelli gulped. TJ.
It's Wednesday, he had football practice. Do something! She thought urgently. Do something. Yes, she should do something. She should be doing something, not waiting around.
"Hey! TJ!" she called. Her brain was furiously working to silence her, but her heart was cheering her on loudly. TJ approached her, wiping his hand across his forehead.
"Hey Spinelli! What're you doing here?" he gestured towards the playground. Spinelli followed his hand with her eyes. A strong hand, a gentle hand, it could so easily keep hers warm. Do something, she told herself.
"I was… just remembering. Thinking, really. I miss it here," she told him. He nodded understandingly.
"Yeah, I know, I do, too." Spinelli bit her lip.
"Let's, um, walk," she suggested. Ugh! So lame. Get your act together! She scolded herself.
They turned and walked on in silence. Spinelli looked up at the sky, the darkness. Mikey had once told her that fearing the dark was fearing the unknown. Spinelli wasn't afraid of the dark… Yet she feared telling TJ, therefore, she was scared of the unknown. An image of the younger Spinelli flared into her mind. "Don't be pathetic, you chicken! You're not afraid of the dark. You're not afraid of anything!" Spinelli breathed in sharply. She turned her head to TJ, who wore an expression of absolute peace. Drawing from this, she opened her mouth.
"Teej…" her voice caressed his name. She bit her lip as he looked at her.
"Yeah?"
"You know when I said I was thinking on Old Rusty?" she posed.
"Yup?" he looked entirely clueless, nonplussed.
"Well, I… I was thinking about something I wanted to tell you…" she let her voice trail off. Would he guess now what she wanted to say? Surely he already knew, surely he was trying to tell her his feelings weren't the same by pretending to be oblivious.
"Yeah, what?" TJ's eyes met hers, inquisitive hazel, mesmerizing. Spinelli almost backed out then. She would lose this if he didn't feel the same. She couldn't read his emotions through his eyes, and it made her even more nervous, yet, somehow, made her want to tell him even more. She steeled herself. No more fearing the unknown. She was finally stepping onto the second road, taking her first step on this last journey.
"I love you."