Why was it that every time I fell in love, it was with the wrong person? Why was it that every time the person who deserved my love, and wanted it, I declined? Why did I become this way? Was it because I was raised by a vampire most of my life? I didn't know the answers and probably never would.

I knew Alucard loved me.

I knew it with my whole heart, but why didn't I love him back? Shouldn't I? Wasn't it how the story was supposed to go? A daring relationship between a vampire and human. I tried to love him, but I could never fall for his deep, bright red eyes. I tried and tried, but

I could never fall for him.

Black Rose
A Hellsing Drabble

I sat, comfortably, on my couch in the living room. I had a cigar leisurely hanging from my mouth and a frown across my face with my legs crossed. I had finished the reports for the night and, frankly, nothing too interesting was going on, but I didn't lower my guard.

The calm before the storm

That's how it was, right? A peace full sunshine and then a thundering storm at night. We didn't have much of a change in weather here, but that was what I had always learned. I sighed, slightly, and gazed at the crackling, glowing fire place that stood before me. Walter always did do a nice job of keeping it lit. I reached for my tea lying on the side, glass table and brought it to my lips.

A nice cup of Black Tea.

I set the cup down and leaned back on the red cushions of the couch. Lifting the small cigar from my mouth, I thought. Most of my thoughts lately had revolved around that sneaky bastard of a vampire, but they weren't ever seductive thoughts. I knew they should be, but all I could ever picture was silly moments between him and I. Play full insults. Tickling games. Everything. While all this time he was saying he loved me through his actions and words, I only thought of them as fun.

I stuck the cigar back in my mouth, the light from the lit fire dancing on the lenses of my glasses. I sighed and leaned back against the edge of the couch, propping my feet up on it. I wore my night clothes. Simple green, silk pants and a button up top. My hair was pulled back in a low ponytail and my front bangs laid down into my lap. When I was in my room and no one was around, I never put on an undershirt or a bra, but if I ever walked around my own house, I wore a bra and slippers everywhere I went.

I pulled out my cigar again and blew a puff of smoke, a simple expression across my face. I was relaxed. I kicked off my slippers, gracefully, and set them aside as I allowed my right knee to stick up in the air while the other lied down on the couch. As I replaced my cigar into my mouth I pulled up my free arm and laid it behind me, gazing at the fire, my golden hair tumbling down my torso.

I was trying to find faces or objects in the dancing flames. I found a man and a rabbit. And a rose. A bright orange rose...

I sighed and switched my gaze to the ceiling, blowing another puff of smoke.

My love life is horrid lately. Why does it always turn out this way? I once loved Alucard, but I gave up on the fact and I cannot seem to go back. What is not alluring about those deep red eyes, and crazy smirk, and midnight black hair? Why does that spark my sexual interest? Have I not hit puberty...? A loud, smooth laugh broke my thoughts. My eyes flew open from the relaxed half mast to wide. I knew that laugh. After hearing it once, you would never forget it. It belonged to the most hansom man in the entire world.

Alucard.

I sprung up from my peace full position and into a sitting one, the cigar flaying from my mouth. I gazed down on it and picked it up quickly, seeing a small burn stain on the carpet.

"Damn it!" I whispered under my breath, " ALUCAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARD!" I yelled into the manor, squishing my cigar into the ash tray.

I quickly glanced at the window and noticed it was deep into the night. Probably 4 am. Damn...I cursed myself for yelling.

"You called?" A smooth voice came from behind me and into my ear.

I spun around to face him, that smirking horny bastard. There here stood, inches from my face, crouching down, that stupid smirk dancing across his face. I tried my best to be angry, but it wasn't coming. I just laughed a little and patted his head.

"Good dog" I said, joking.

He laughed slightly and walked around taking a seat as I returned to my position, lighting up another cigar. He smirked and reached into his pocket, pulling out a box of cigarettes. I sighed and gazed up at the ceiling again, feeling him on the farthest reaches of my toes.

"Can I have a lite, Master?" He said, with a slight sense of lust in his voice.

I switched my gaze to him, removing the cigar from my mouth, blowing out a puff of smoke.

"What you don't have one?" I said, joking.

He smirked.

"Indeed, I don't."

I sighed again and tossed over my gold lighter like it was nothing. He lit up his cigarette and tossed the lighter back over to me. Unfortunately, I had already taken my position back and it hit against my boob. A solid gold lighter thrown by a vampire hurts whether you have a bra or not. I sprung up in pain, but I luckily hung onto my cigar.

"OUCH!" I screamed as the lighter hit the floor, holding my left breast in pain.

He looked over at me, a slight urgency in his eyes but then he laughed.

"Women..." He said shaking his head, taking a puff from his smoke.

"That really hurt you know!" I yelled, still cupping my breast.

He gazed at me, his eyes at half mast.

"Is that so?" Lust tainted his voice.

I nodded, a bit hesitant. He began leaning over to me, mashing his cigarette into the ash tray behind me. I leaned back to get away from him, but that's just what he wanted. What the hell is he doing?! I screamed in my mind Get him off Integra! GET HIM OFF! my mind yelled, but my body didn't listen. He was on top of me now. Moving his face closer to mine.

"Do you want me to make it better?" He said, smiling, lust still tainting his voice.

I gulped, my eyes wide. He reached up to my glasses and pulled them off gently. He then moved to the hair tie holding my hair back.

"A-Alucard...W-what do you think you're doing...?" I stammered, trying to sound strong, but it came out in a weak whisper.

He smirked down on me as he undid my ponytail. My hair fell off of the couch and onto the floor behind the arm of the furniture. His gloved fingers moved down to my pajama top. I gasped as his finger drifted to the first button.

"No...stop..." I whispered, but I was weak under him.

I told myself to pick up one of my hands to stop him, but it didn't raise from beside the couch. I gazed at him as he laid above me, slightly blurry. He undid the first button of my top. The feeling that I waited for, the pleasure, never came. I only felt a form of...anger? Perhaps...

"No Alucard stop." My voice was getting stronger now.

He proceeded to the next button. Didn't he know what stop meant?

"ALUCARD STOP!" I yelled at him and the smirk disappeared.

He rose from me and sat on the couch at the farthest end. I leaned up panting from the shock. I pushed on my glasses to see his face. He was gazing at the flames, watching them as they rebounded off his bright eyes. I was slightly surprised. I knew he wanted me and I knew he wanted me more then anything. My blood and my body. He wanted it more then anyone else's, but he stopped. He pulled back his desire and listened to my will. That was very unexpected from him.

I gazed at him and noted an uncharacteristic on his face.

Sadness.

My eyes turned to pity as I gazed at him. Why didn't I want him?

"I'm sorry...Integra..." He said, his voice sincere

I tried to sound casual as I pulled my legs into me and curled up like a ball.

"It's no big deal" my casual tone didn't work because I my voice broke in two places.

He gazed over at me, his eyes rimmed with blood.

Tears...

I couldn't force back the knot in my throat any longer. I let my tears spill.

"I'm so sorry, Alucard. It's just...I know I should have desire for you. I don't even understand why I don't, but I just don't. I can't love you." I pulled my knees in tighter, hiding my face and allowing the tears to seep through my thin pajamas, " I'm so sorry..."

I felt Alucard move up off of the couch and over to me. I was a bit terrified, but excited at the same time. I picked up my tear stained face to face him. A blood red tear slid down his cheek.

"Are you sure, Integra...?"

I gazed at him, my eyes struck with pity. Maybe if I gave him one night, he'd be satisfied. Maybe if I pleased him for one night, I would fall in love and everything would be right. Maybe...Just maybe...

"I can...try to...love you Alucard..." I whispered, my tears ceasing, but the scars they left still tainted my face.

He allowed the large tear to slip down his face and off his chin, landing on his gloved hands. He pulled his gloves off and I saw the shinning pentagram on his right hand. Now that I thought about it, I had never seen his hands before. Odd, but true...

He lifted his now bare hands up to my face, holding it gently in his hands. He was inches from my face.

"Are you sure...?" He whispered to me.

I gazed into his eyes and pulled off my glasses.

"I'll try..." I whispered.

With that he pulled my face into his, my hands automatically drifted up to the back of his neck, pulling him in closer. It was as if my hormones were controlling my body. I never acted on mind or reason. Not even love. Just desire for someone, I guess. I still do not know to this day.

I tangled my hands into his hair as he kissed me, over and over and over again. I was a bit dizzy from the act. As he finished, he gazed into my eyes searching for anything. I fluttered them back open. I still felt nothing for him. It was really starting to piss me off, but I promised I'd give him one night. And I would. I smiled and closed my eyes, nodding slowly. I knew I couldn't lie to him while gazing into those blood, red eyes.

He slowly placed his arms underneath my back and my thighs. My eyes shot open and I gazed at him, slightly confused, but he picked me up anyway, cradling me like a baby. I snuggled into his chest and match his breathing, wrapping my legs around him. He leaned into my ear.

"Does your breast still hurt?" I could feel him smirking as he made the comment.

I laughed slightly.

"No not anymore."

"See I told you I'd make it better."

I gazed up at him, but then everything went black. My head went spinning and I was dizzy all over again. I didn't even know what happened. Pressure filled my head and I felt like it was going to explode. I couldn't even breathe. Just as soon as it started, however, it ended. I opened my eyes, taking in huge amounts of air by panting. I felt an object next to me let out a heavy sigh. It took me a few moments before my eyes could clear and I realized who it was.

"Mortals are so ridiculous..." he said.

I laughed harshly and without humor.

"What was that for?" I asked my voice rather hoarse.

He gestured, with his head, towards some unknown place behind me. I switched my eyes to the direction as him and found a very familiar room.

My bedroom.

I sighed and gazed back at him.

"I knew this was your aim all along..." I said, teasing him.

He smirked.

"You know me well, Master."

"There is no use for formalities now, Alucard..." I whispered.

He smirked wider.

"Are you sure you're ok with losing your virginity to a 'smirking horny bastard' like myself?"

I gazed up at him in fake shock and disgust.

"You were reading my thoughts again!" I accused

He closed his eyes and took a mocking face.

" 'What is not alluring about those deep red eyes, and crazy smirk, and midnight black hair? Why does that spark my sexual interest? Have I not hit puberty...?' " He said in a mocking and fake female tone.

I stared at him.

"I have to watch what I think form now on..." I muttered looking away from him.

He leaned down to my ear.

"But I enjoy reading your thoughts."

"I like to have privacy you know."

"Well you have that when you block your thoughts from me as you're doing right now. What are you hiding?" His tone was still in a whisper.

"None of your business..." I whispered back

He laughed slightly, but I could tell he was slightly irritated

He began strolling over to the bed, holding me close. I knew what was to come. I put up heavy blocks around my mind, protecting the thoughts I had. He laid me down onto the bed and came on top of me.

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I held a concentrated and noble face as I walked, fully clothed in my uniform, down the hall. The sunlight burst threw small cracks in the windows, begging to come through. My shoes made a padding sound through the silent halls as I walked towards my office.

Last night I had lost my virginity to a man I didn't even love, but wanted to please. Even after my incredible night with the vampire, I felt no want to be with him. It was disgraceful. I didn't want to take him into this any further.

I pushed open the door of the conference room and found all of the round table members already at their seats. I walked to mine and took a seat on the hard wooden chair. Walter stood respectively at my side and I put out my hand, wanting a cigar. He promptly gave me one and lit it for me, as usual. No one knew of my little secret, but I was slightly conscious about it. My thoughts randomly flew to the tea cup I had left on the table. I wondered if Walter had picked it up and if he did, was he suspicious? I threw away the thought and concentrated on the issue at hand. There was nothing there anymore anyway so I shouldn't worry. Suddenly, my thoughts drifted back to Alucard. I sighed slightly in pity.

I knew Alucard would understand my feelings when he awoke to an empty bed and a

black rose

lying in the place I had slept.

Author's Notes: Ok before I get totally flamed, I would like to inform you all that I am a HUGE fan of the Alucard and Integra pairing, trust me I have a bunch of pics saved ;. Anyway, if you know my style of writing, I like to write misfortunes for my fave couples. Like Isaak and Dietrich for example. I am NO fan of the Cain Dietrich pairing, yet I wrote a fan fic anyway. It's just how I am. As for the black rose, if you know about roses you know it means 'there's nothing there' or 'It's gone' something along those lines, but not physically. Only mentally. So when you break up with someone, you give them a black rose. You wouldn't leave a black rose for your lover if you died. You see what I'm saying? Well anyway, that's the meaning of the black rose so when Integra leaves Alucard a black rose, it means 'there's nothing there' or to put very brutally, 'I don't love you'. It's just a drabble. Tis fun, yes? lol review peas if you can o. Ta ta.