Hey peoples! So this is my first story, well not really my first story because I'm writing like 5 different stories at the moment but this is the first published!

Sooo I'm not sure I'm gonna finish this... It's up to you guys, if people want me to finish it I will.

Warnings: Self-harm, self-hate, eating disorders, cussing, boyxboy, If you don't like any GO AWAY

I do not own Hetalia... If I did you would know...

Enjoy my horrible writing~

I hate myself… more than I ever thought I could. I hate being fat, untalented, ugly, short, worthless, unneeded, unwanted, different… I hate that I have no self-control. I'm disgusting, nasty, horrible, weird, and mean. I hate how my family pretends to care about me. I know they don't, so they can stop lying to me.

Even my so called "friends" pretend to care about me and tell me I'm good-looking and skinny. If they were real friends they wouldn't lie to me. I hate my family. All of them are attractive and skinny. They are all perfect, especially Feliciano. He's perfect, he can do everything, and everyone wants him. He's a good artist, he's nice and innocent, and he does what he's told. I wish I was like him… But I can't be, no matter how much I try no one will ever like me as much as they like him.

So I have a plan try and be like him. Since I'm fat and he's not I'm going to stop eating. I know it's not healthy but I don't care. I want to be like him. Plus I hate food, it made me the way I am now, fat. I probably will break the promise I gave Antonio they day he found out about me. The first time I cut myself was few years ago when I found out he would rather have Feliciano than me. I started to do it a lot, I was surprised at how much it helped me, I've heard people that have done it say it made them feel better. I could never understand why though, until now.

Antonio found out one day a few weeks ago. I was in the bathroom sitting on the toilet crying because I heard Antonio complaining to the wine bastard and potato bastard about how stubborn and mean I am, and how he wished he hadn't taken me from Austria because he wouldn't be as stressed. Wine bastard was asking if he could have me while Antonio was telling him no and to stop asking. I had been thankful. To know he at least cared about me enough not to give me to the stupid wine bastard. But anyway, I was sitting on the toilet crying with a razor in my hand. I pulled up my sleeve and saw the old cuts and scars, he apparently had never noticed that I only wore long sleeves. I made about five or six deep cuts, -across the street not down the road- before Antonio knocked on the door.

-Flashback-

"Lovi? Are you alright? I heard crying." He sounded worried

I gasped and flushed the toilet pretending I was just using the bathroom, put my razor back in its hiding place, and started to rinse off my wrist. "What? I'm just going to the bathroom, stupid bastard. Why in the hell would I be crying?" I answered trying to get the blood to stop flowing. It didn't stop completely but if I spent this much time 'washing my hands' he would know something was up. I pulled down my sleeves thankful I wasn't wearing a white shirt and rinsed my face of trying to get rid of any hint of tears. I looked in the mirror to check, I looked a little better than before but my eyes were still puffy.

"Oh alright." He hadn't moved away from the door. I could tell since I didn't hear any foot-steps, I opened the door and my assumption was proven correct since he was still standing there looking down at me.

"Move bastard!" I said looking at the floor so he couldn't see my face.

"What were you doing then Lovi? You were in here for a while…" He said ignoring what I said.

"I… W-Why do you care bastard? Go hangout with your idiot friends and leave me alone!" I tried to get past him but he stopped me.

"Because I care about you Lovi~ and you seemed upset earlier." He said softly.

I wanted to laugh at what he said. But I didn't since then he would start asking even more questions. I didn't answer him and tried to get past him again. He stopped me again."Please tell me Lovi…"

"No! Just leave me alone!" I tried to get past him for the third time but he stopped me again. But this time he grabbed my chin and raised it forcing me to look at him.

"You have been crying…"He said sadly "Please tell me why…"

I felt blood start to drip down my hand from the cuts that were still bleeding. My eyes widened and I pushed him out, "No bastard, just leave me alone!" I slammed the door in his face and pulled my sleeve up to rinse off the blood. But being the pushy bastard he is and still wanting to know what was wrong he opened the door, which of course I forgot to lock.

He gasped when he saw me "L-Lovi…" he took a step forward closing the door "W-what have you done?" He grabbed my wrist and down at it.

My eyes widened "Get out bastard! And what do you think?"I said not taking it as seriously

"L-Lovi…why?" He looked at me with pleading eyes

"It's none of your business." I said quietly, I looked down at my wrist that he was still holding "It's not like you care…" I said even quieter hoping he didn't hear me.

"W-What do you mean? Of course I care Lovino!" I gasped looking up at him, he never used my full name unless he was serious. "How could you even think tha—" He stopped and looked down "You heard what I said didn't you…"

"Of course I did bastard! I hear you every time! If you hate me so much why don't you get rid of me? We both know the wine bastard would have taken me!" I shouted ripping my wrist from his hand making it bleed more.

"I-I'm sorry Lovino… I don't hate you… If I did I would have given you back to Roderich, I would never give you to Francis." He looked like he was on the verge of tears."This is all my fault… I'm so sorry Lovino. I'm such an idiot."He looked at me with sorry eyes

I laughed "You really think you're the only reason? No, you're wrong you're only part of it." I replied turning to rinse off my wrist.

"Lovino! This isn't funny! What's the other reason?" he asked

The cuts had stopped bleeding and I pushed my sleeve down, staring at him annoyed "It is, because you're pretending to care, and it's none of your damn business." I said walking around him and out of the bathroom.

"I'm not pretending Lovino!"He followed out the door and pushed me against the wall "Tell me!" He said putting a hand on either side of my head to keep me from running.

I looked up at him "I-I'm sorry Antonio…" I broke down and fell to my knees crying.

He got to his knees and lifted my chin wiping away my tears, "You have no reason to be sorry Lovi… C-can I see them?" He asked carefully

I nodded my head slowly and looked at him sadly. He took my wrist and pushed up the sleeve gasping at what he saw. "Lovi…" He said sadly while gently touching the cuts and scars. "Promise me…" He whispered still looking at my wrist.

I looked at him confused with tears still running down my face. "W-What? P-Promise y-you w-what?" I stuttered.

He looked at me "Promise me you won't cut ever again, and if you want to you will come talk to me."

"W-What?" I said not thinking he was serious

"I'm serious Lovino, promise me…" He stared into my eyes.

"I-I….ok…I promise…" I whispered looking back sadly.

"Thank you Lovi." He kissed my forehead and picked me up.

"W-Where are we going?" I asked looking at him confused.

"To bed" He stated carrying me bridal style.

"B-But my room is the other way." I said looking other Antonio's shoulder.

"I know. But you're sleeping in my room tonight."

"What? Why?"

"So I can take care of you tonight." He walked in and closed the door behind him.

"O-Okay…" I said as he gently placed me on the bed then crawled in next to me.

"Are you okay Lovi?" He asked pulling the blanket over us.

"Yeah I'm fine… T-Thank you Antonio…for everything." I said slowly falling asleep.

"You're welcome Lovi. Goodnight." He whispered wrapping an arm around me. I felt… different for some reason, with us sleeping like this. Something felt odd in my stomach, but it was a good kind of odd.

-End Flashback-

That was the day I made that stupid promise. And the day I fell in love with the dumb tomato bastard.

So what do you guys think?

Review and tell me pwease! Also tell me if I should finish it!

Thanks lovelies~