Kaneki heard the screams, and he heard the sick snaps, and he could only assume they were his own. He'd thought he had been in Uta's bed, but he supposed that had been another trick of Rize's mind. He wanted to look around for her again, but his head wasn't turning. He just settled down into the darkness he'd gotten used to being his only time away from Jason, and waited it out. It was quiet, and the only thing that broke it was his screams. He heard his name being screamed somewhere, and he settled down, tilting his head back. He supposed it was time to open his eyes and be ready for it.
He opened his eyes just as another sick snap went off into the air, but then there was another scream and Kaneki knew it hadn't come through his lips. He blinked, staring straight forward and trying to figure out what he was looking at. Those were Uta's tattooed hands in front of him, and that scream...why was Uta screaming?
He became aware of a wet weight in his hand, and when he looked down, he dropped it. The finger had obviously been broken off. It wasn't a clean cut, it was a tear, and Kaneki fell down, skittering back until he came up against the wall. He felt tears rolling down his face. That was Uta's tattoo on that finger. He suddenly couldn't breathe. He looked up at the back he'd been staring at, and when he looked up, he screamed.
Uta's head hung limp on his neck, and he was breathing hard. Steel wire was threaded through his skin, and had healed around it that way, and another steel barb was jammed into the floor to hold those hands where they were. His ankles were pulled back around as well, and his calves were impaled with the same steel, pulled into a crook at the end so he couldn't break loose, and blood...there was so much blood.
"It's okay. It's okay. It's okay Kaneki. I can take it." He breathed heavily. "It's alright. Wake up. It's just me, it's Uta." He was sobbing the words, but they were only sobs because of the heaviness and desperation for Kaneki to hear him. The emotion was neutral past the pain. He was as calm as ever.
"U-Ut-ta?" He gasped, his voice weak when he gasped it out.
Uta nodded, tilting his head back a bit to breathe easier. "It's okay. It's alright. It's okay." He promised.
Kaneki felt his sanity slip a little, and he screamed Uta's name, diving for that rebar in his lover's legs. He ripped them out fast and threw them across the room, slipping in the blood with the force of it as he worked to release his lover. Uta laughed breathlessly. "I knew you were..." He had to wheeze in a breath. "I knew you were still in there somewhere."
Kaneki couldn't see past his tears, but he could feel for the restraints, and he pulled the other rebar before moving around behind him. "I...I didn't...I thought..." Kaneki was sobbing. "Damn, the wire's under the skin!"
Uta chuckled, spitting blood onto the floor. "It's okay Kaneki. Pull the bar out of the floor, and I'll get the wire out." He explained calmly, but Kaneki was sobbing, trying desperately to get the steel out of the floor. "It's okay."
"STOP SAYING THAT!" He cried. "It's not okay! It's not!"
The bar came out of the floor and Kaneki was careful when opening the skin with his shaking fingers to remove the flexible wire. Uta made a sharp sound and Kaneki was sobbing harder. "I'm sorry. It's almost out I'm so sorry." He sobbed. "I'm so sorry. God I'm so sorry."
When Uta's arms were free, he all but fell out of the chair. Kaneki scrambled to catch the mask maker, slipping in the puddles of blood to cushion the blow of the floor with his own body, wrapping his arms around Uta.
"What happened?" Kaneki sobbed. "Why didn't you stop me?"
Uta shook his head. "You were asleep, you didn't know what you were doing. I cracked my knuckles. I should have known better, but you seemed so deep asleep. I knew when you only asked that math question what was going on, and I kept telling you it was going to be okay. I couldn't hit you. But you were fast, faster than I remembered hearing about, and you were quick. You got me down before I knew what was happening, and then I was immobilized. You used your kagune at first...Don't cry. It's okay. I'll heal." He said.
Kaneki shook his head furiously, shaking his head. He hadn't cried this much since he had been tortured. "No, no this isn't okay. This is very not okay." He sobbed. "This is the opposite of okay. Uta, I tortured you. I tortured you like that sick fuck tortured me and made me this thing. Why didn't you hit me? Why didn't you just stop me?"
Uta turned to look at Kaneki and saw the tears drenching his face. Uta couldn't really tell the difference between what was his blood from off the floor and what was Kaneki's tears, but he could tell that those eyes were pouring tears. His face was twisted in absolute torment and his whole form was shaking with the wracking sobs, but his arms were strong around Uta and firm. He was killing himself over this. Uta could see it in his eyes.
"I promised you I would never hit you." Uta answered. "I promised you that when you came back. I told you that I would never ever hit you, no matter what."
Kaneki surveyed the damage that had been done. It was obvious that he had done exactly what Jason had done, and he'd tortured Uta the way he had been tortured. While still snivelling- no. Kaneki wasn't allowed to break down until Uta was healed. Only when Uta was safe could he afford to lose it. He shifted his arms to lift Uta in his arms, cradling the much taller man in his arms. The height made him awkward to carry, but Kaneki wasn't going to drop him. He brought him into the bathroom, slipping in the blood and bashing his own head and shoulder on the door before he regained his balance, kneeling to settle Uta down on the floor, resting in the corner. He turned on the bathtub and made sure the water was warm.
"Kaneki, look at me. Please." Uta coughed in the corner.
Kaneki wiped his face on his arm, trying to stop crying. He didn't deserve to cry over what he'd done. He turned the water off when it was about half a meter full, then turned back to Uta. His pants had been torn, and his shirt as well. His hair was dangling in his face too. Kaneki watched his finger finish regrowing, the ink that had been there slowly reforming under the skin. It was interesting to see, that the RC factor even healed the marks that had been on his skin before everything had gone to hell in a handbasket. Kaneki stepped over to Uta and cursed his clumsy legs when he slipped again, but he went over to Uta.
"I'm sorry." Kaneki whispered, his voice choking and still too weak to put anything other than the complete guilt into it. "I am so sorry."
Uta accepted his hand, letting Kaneki help him to his feet. He pulled the shirt off of Uta, and completed the tear in his pants so they were easier to remove. Uta looked at them with as amused of a smirk he could manage. "They were my favorites." He coughed, and Kaneki's hand was there to catch the blood. "That's incredibly unattractive."
"You need to eat something." He explained quietly, lifting Uta off his feet again and settling him into the warm water. "I ate Jason's kagune when he did this to me. It would be totally understandable if you took a chunk out of me right now. You have every right to kill me if you choose."
"Kaneki, please stop. Talk to me. It's going to be okay." Uta promised.
Kaneki felt those damned tears in his eyes again, and he suppressed them ruthlessly. "No it won't. I can't keep this up. You cracked your knuckles Uta. You can't be walking around on eggshells becuase this type of thing might happen. I can never make this up to you. I can't apologize enough for this." He whispered, not meeting his eyes, but cupping his face gently. "You should have knocked me out. Held me down or fought back. Something. You should have put me down like a dog."
"Kaneki..."
"I don't deserve someone like you, Uta." He told him. "I'll be back in a minute. Can you clean yourself up?"
"I'm fine now, just a little weak Kaneki. I can handle it." Uta answered.
"Call me when you're finished. I'll help you get back into bed and bring you something to eat." He told him, standing up.
He was almost to the bathroom door when he heard Uta call after him. "Don't leave me again, Kaneki. Okay? That's the only unforgivable sin you could commit." He called.
Kaneki nodded over his shoulder. "Okay."
He went into the shop downstairs and found a bucket and filled it up from a tap in the storage closet, mixing the wood floor cleaner into it and grabbing a mop and sponge. He then grabbed the phone and called Yomo. He told him that Uta was hurt, and that he needed fresh food, and Yomo had promised in that implacable way he had to bring what he needed and be right over. Kaneki then hauled the cleaning supplies up the stairs, and set them down in the living room. He moved the chair out of the way, and gathered the torn clothes from the bedroom before putting them on the chair. He pushed the mop down into the mixture and then started cleaning up the mess of his lover he had made.
He let himself cry as he did so, though he did it quietly. The tears rolled down his cheeks as he watched the mop slowly change colors, soaking up Uta's blood from off of the floor. The apartment hadn't taken much abuse, but parts of the wall would need to be replaced. Kaneki would figure out how to do that soon. He continued mopping it up until only the stubborn bits were left, and he emptied the water out into the alley, where it all ran down the storm drain, before filling it back up again and going to work with the sponges this time.
The blood was under his nails, and still staining his skin. He needed a bath on his own, but he would wait until Yomo got there and Uta was safe before he did it. He would make it quick. He had to be assured of Uta's safety. The few bits that were left around the apartment were picked up and put onto the chair with Uta's clothes and the chair, all of which were beyond repair, and then Kaneki hauled them all to the roof. He dumped the water out into the storm drain again, then used lighter fluid and a small matchbook he'd found in the kitchen to set them all ablaze. He was careful to make sure the building didn't catch, and stomped it out when it was all done. The rebar was brittle, but stayed in mostly one piece. He swept the ashes into the empty bucket now and carried them with him to the ground floor before he dumped them all into the bin behind the buiding. On his way back inside, he saw Yomo carrying a big duffel bag by his side preparing to knock on the door.
"Thank you for coming." Kaneki said, not meeting Yomo's eyes.
Yomo turned. "Who was it? Did you catch the guy?" He asked.
Kaneki let Yomo in and led him upstairs, sitting him on the couch before going in to check on Uta. The tattooed ghoul was rinsing soap from his hair, the water a bronze color as it emptied into the tub again, and he turned to look at Kaneki just as Kaneki stepped away. "Was that Yomo's voice?" He asked, sounding mostly healed, calm and normal again.
Kaneki nodded. "You asked me not to leave. I asked him to bring you something to eat. There isn't enough here. I'll get more if you need it." He answered.
"He asked you who did this didn't he?" Uta asked.
Kaneki just nodded again.
Uta watched him. "What did you say?" He asked.
"I'm going to tell him what happened." Kaneki answered, walking away.
Out in the living room, Yomo was looking at the holes in the floor. When Kaneki walked back in, Yomo lunged at him, his hand crushing Kaneki's windpipe against the wall and his kakugan glaring straight into Kaneki's eyes.
"Why?" Yomo snarled. "He loved you."
Kaneki let him swing. He was entitled his rage. Kaneki was wrong. He had abused that man. Uta was able to handle himself, but because Kaneki had gone through it, Uta had taken the torture, with no guarantee that Kaneki would wake up in time to save him, to keep him alive. He'd allowed it to go on rather than kill Kaneki. He should have killed Kaneki. Kaneki should have died.
Kaneki would let Yomo kill him now.
"Yomo! Put him down!" Uta cried, still too weak to be on his feet on his own. He was leaning on the doorframe, watching Yomo drive his fist into Kaneki's stomach over and over and over and over.
Yomo didn't drop Kaneki so much as throw him to the floor. "I should kill him." He snapped.
Kaneki swallowed the blood in his mouth, rolling to his stomach. He pushed onto his knees, and stayed there. He didn't defend himself to Yomo. "I would have helped you if you had just called." Kaneki said, coughing his blood onto his sleeve again.
Uta made his legs carry him over to Kaneki, and settle his arms around Kaneki. "No, you wouldn't have, because Yomo would still be punishing your solar plexus for something that wasn't your fault. You have a conditioned emotional response to certain things, Kaneki. We both have seen it before, and if you would just tell him what really happened, he wouldn't have reacted like that." Uta told him.
Kaneki helped Uta back to his feet, leading him into his bedroom again. "Just, please, get some rest." He begged of Uta. "Yomo can handle this. I'll keep a watch on your place."
Uta took Kaneki's face. "It was an accident. You aren't responsible for this." He told Kaneki.
"How am I not responsible for this? You certainly aren't. This isn't an excuse for going postal on someone. Least of all you. I could have killed you. I was just awake enough to hear you screaming. I thought they were my own, that it was a dream I'd been holding onto that I had fallen asleep in your bed. Now it all seems like a huge nightmare with the punchline a long time coming. Please, just don't say it isn't my fault again." Kaneki begged.
"Then stop berating yourself for it goddammit Kaneki. You were not in control of yourself. Your mind pushed you to the back to protect yourself and you had a reaction. CER is way worse than PTSD by ten. I know because I've been the cause for it many times. You have to stop blaming yourself or you will snap." Uta snapped.
"I'm already fucking broken!"
The sentence broke free in a scream before Kaneki could stop himself, and he realized he was crying already before he scrubbed his face from the tears. His voice shook when he spoke again.
"I'm already broken if I've gone so far as to hurt you to protect myself. You would never hurt me. You should have just finished me off. I'm too broken to be of any good to anyone anymore, and this is just...I'm not sure I can come back from this. I needed you to be okay. Now I hurt you in the exact way I was hurt." Kaneki answered, clinging to Uta's hand.
His fingers felt so frail now that he'd felt them come off in his hands. Yomo was behind them, and Uta looked by the door to see Yomo standing there. "Go home Yomo. I'm sorry to have brought you here." He suggested.
"Yeah." Yomo answered. "Next time you should just come out with it Kaneki."
Kaneki fought the sobs trying to break free in his chest. "I wanted to die." He choked out.
Uta cradled Kaneki's head to his chest. "I made a mistake Kaneki." He said quietly. "I asked you not to cry. That was my mistake. Cry. You are trying to hold it together too much and it's making you stupid rather than strong. Just cry." He carded his hands through Kaneki's snow white hair.
Kaneki did. He sobbed for a long while, so long that the sun came up while he did. He cried until he couldn't cry anymore, and the whole time Uta petted him like he was the one who had been tortured. When the sobs finally quieted, Uta laid there cradling Kaneki's head against his chest. He cuddled it there, pressing absent kisses to the top of Kaneki's head, and took a deep breath.
"Are you sleepy?" He asked.
Kaneki nodded honestly. "I am, but I'm scared to fall back asleep." He answered.
Uta hugged him tightly, pressing a kiss into his cheek. "I'll fall asleep with you. We'll figure all this out tomorrow, alright?" He asked.
"Okay."