Harry Potter and the Deathly Aollows.
Harry Potter was very confused, and confusion was not something Harry Potter did well. His glasses fell off, for one thing. This is not good when you are as blind as the proverbial bat without them. The little matter of not-being-able-to-see was further compounded by the fact that his hair, always wilful, had chosen that very moment to flop over his eyes.
Whereat Harry found himself tripping and falling through a tapestry-that-wasn't-really-a-tapestry that lined (or so he thought) one of the corridors in Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
And now he was waist deep in giant dung from Hagrid's dim witted half-brother Grawp… and suddenly, mysteriously, in possession of the Resurrection Stone. Well, he supposed a pile of giant –um- mess would qualify as "I don't know where I dropped it." Since Harry was wearing the Invisibility Cloak and carrying the Elder Wand in his back pocket preparatory to returning it to Dumbledore's tomb, he was now held the unintentionally reunited Deathly Hallows.
But he was still standing waist deep in muck.
Shouldn't something be happening about now, he wondered. Since the words 'Harry Potter' and 'discretion' could never be uttered in the same sentence without causing incipient hysteria amongst listeners, Harry chose to exercise the lesser part of valour and waved the Elder Wand.
Whereat he was showered by gold sparks faintly tinged with blue and… was that pink?! All the same, he was better than nothing, so Harry held on to his hat, so to speak, as the world began to revolve around him and faded to black.
When vision returned (luckily, he'd had the presence of mind to grab his glasses from the sea of mire before waving the Wand) he found himself in an a large dark room. One wall was covered with a screen that looked vaguely familiar. Harry himself was sitting at a judicious distance with a wireless keyboard on his knee.
He peered at the screen. Admittedly, due to his Muggle raising he was less intimidated by computers than Ron Weasley would be, for instance, but Harry preferred to demonstrate technological competence with broomsticks.
And there was something ….odd… about this screen.
One symbol in particular.
A triangle, and a circle.
Harry frowned. "How'd Muggles find out about the Hallows?" he wondered aloud.
The computer beeped at him, and he yelped and grabbed the flimsy keyboard before it skied off his lap.
Cautiously, he hit Enter.
And waited.
He admired the hourglass.
Something called a spyware detector popped up. At that Harry found himself looking about in case Snape had managed to get down here too.
Finally, the Deathly Hallows symbol appeared. Harry sighed in satisfaction. Now he'd find out what this was all about.
The thing finished loading. Welcome to AOL, it stated.
Harry screamed.
But nobody came.
Someone had forgotten to tell him that the victory over death was an eternity endured in the most inefficient form of cyberspace known to creation.
aohell…
….are you really screaming if no-one hears you scream…..
-end.
A/N: If you've got this far, you're probably wondering what I'm on. For clarification, look at the Bloomsbury edition of Deathly Hallows and check on the spine…