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A Sound Mind

Part I

Every time Joe closed his eyes he saw Orin's charred body so he had resorted to taking laudanum every night. And if he dreamed, at least he didn't remember. It was the only way he could escape from the horror that now shadowed his life. And that was how Joe saw it; that the sun had been eclipsed and left him in shadowy darkness.

All of them had noticed that Joe wasn't the same as before Orin was killed. But then no one would be the same had they been through what he had, so it was no surprise to them that Joe went into himself and seemed to lose his way. Before, Joe had been generally light-hearted and enjoyed the pleasures of life, but now he seemed dark and barely made eye contact, his eyes were usually dropped. Ben had tried to talk to him telling Joe that he would feel better if he would just talk. But Joe had said disdainfully that it was bad enough to go through it once, and then to have to tell Sheriff Coffee and Orin's parents-he never wanted to go through it again-even in words.

So Joe shunned all his family's and friends' efforts to pull him out of his despondency. Adam accused him of being selfish by denying them the chance to help him but Joe had just glared at him and told him to mind his own damn business. Adam had remarked that Joe could revel in his misery then, for all he cared and Joe had left the room.

Hoss tried to get Joe's mind on other things-girls, fishing, and asked him repeatedly to go into town with him on Saturday nights but Joe said that he wasn't interested and often would go out riding instead. Adam followed him once but the only place Joe went was to his mother's grave. He did nothing but pace and finally Adam went home and told his father that he believed that Joe was so affected by what had happened with Orin's death that it had changed him in an irrevocable way; he would never be the same again. Adam told his father that part of Joe had probably died that day as well and Adam understood how that could happen.

They all noticed how Joe's moods changed rapidly and that he had lost weight and seemed anxious; his hands began to shake and a few times he had broken into a sweat for no reason that they could discern. Hop Sing chided Joe about not eating and Joe was even sharp with him, one time becoming so angry that his chair fell over from the violent push he gave it as he stormed out. Hop Sing had looked in confusion at the other three Cartwrights but they were as nonplussed as he.

Joe also had become less fastidious, shaving infrequently and not bathing as often. Hoss remarked that he smelled like a horse's ass and instead of responding with good humor as he would have in the past by asking Hoss just when was the last time he had stuck his nose up a horse's ass, Joe spat out a vulgar epithet describing Hoss' mother and both Ben and Adam had to hold Hoss back until he calmed down.

It was Adam who mentioned to his father that the laudanum was almost gone; he had wanted to take some for a headache and noticed that the bottle was low. Ben was confused; no one had been ill or injured and one bottle usually lasted them a whole year if not longer. Adam said that he felt that Joe was using it-it would explain many things but Ben brushed it off. He said that he would as soon suspect Hop Sing before he would Joe. Adam had made a small joke that perhaps that explained why they all felt so sleepy after one of Hop Sing's dinners. So when Ben went next into town, he stopped in to buy another bottle from the pharmacist who mentioned that it was odd; Joe had been in about a week ago and bought a bottle for the Ponderosa. Ben said that he and Joe must have gotten their communications crossed but since he was there, he might as well pick up another bottle of laudanum.

Then one morning at breakfast, Ben told Joe that he wanted Joe to go along with Adam to mark trees for cutting.

"Why do I have to go? You usually send Adam and Hoss." Joe held his fork as if it were a weapon.

"Well, this time I'm sending you."

"Why me?'

"Since when did you start questioning me? I said that I want you to go with Adam and that's that."

"But they just went about two weeks ago," Joe said.

"And we didn't finish," Adam calmly added.

"It's not my fault that Hoss is so lazy that he didn't do his part," Joe said contemptuously.

"Now, you lookee here, little brother. I'm just about to show you what a burst of energy I can muster to box your ears." Hoss pointed his spoon at Joe.

"You want to take me on?" Joe said, standing up. "C'mon, you big tub of lard. Let's step outside."

"That's enough," Ben boomed. "Joseph, sit back down and finish your breakfast. The reason I'm sending you along with Adam is that I feel that it's about time that you learned which trees to mark for cutting. There's an art and a science to it and I want Adam to teach you how to choose the right trees."

"Oh, great," Joe muttered, "a week alone with Mr. Know-it-all."

Adam smiled as he sipped his coffee, then putting it down, he said, "Well, it's no great pleasure to spend time with you; you're been such a joy lately."

Joe stood up again, pushing his chair back. "You go to hell, Adam."

"I've already been there and back a few times. No, thank you. And, boy, if I had a dog as surly as you," Adam said dryly, "I'd shoot 'im.