She stood on the bridge looking at the Chicago skyline as she ignored his call. It is just settling in that this is the last time she is going to stand on this bridge and look into the beautiful outline of the skyscrapers. She kept trying to tell herself that she was going to miss the city, but really it was him that she was going to miss the most. His cocky smile at work, the way he strapped on her vest and skimmed his lips against her collar when nobody was looking. She had decided she was going to miss the man who broke down her walls and he was someone she saw a future with. She has never dreamed of a future with anybody, ever. It was never in her nature, until she met him.
So she ignored his call again and tomorrow she's going to get on an airplane and never see him again. It's the best way to do this. They always say that cold turkey is the best way to quit habits, right?
But then her phone lit up again, with his name. They were supposed to be celebrating. She barely made it to Molly's to give him his birthday present and she wasn't going to pretend everything is fine today. Because everything's not fine and she's totally done pretending it is. He's married and he decided she couldn't handle any of the things he was going through. Like two years ago she wasn't doing drugs and binge drinking every night. Who does he think he is?
She ignored his call and got back into her car. She had a lot of packing to do.
She landed in New York in time to get lunch before getting to her new FBI owned apartment. She's been here before. She's wandered the streets… with Jay. Ugh, she promised herself she wasn't going to think about him. Thinking about him will make her want to call him, and calling him? Well, that's the worst idea ever. She stopped at a place near her new apartment, suitcase in tow, and ate lunch alone.
She walked towards the address of her new apartment when her phone rang. Hank Voight, it read. "Hello?" She answered.
"Hey kid. How's New York?" Hank softly spoke.
"It's good. I'm just about to get to the new apartment." She answered. "Why are you talking so softly?"
"All the guys are in the bullpen. It's a slow day. They've been asking about you and I didn't want to let on that I know where you are," he answered.
"Oh, okay," Erin sighed.
"You know, Jay has been hounding me about your whereabouts. Said he tried calling you and you haven't answered," Erin could practically see the eyebrow raise in Hank's voice.
"Yeah I figured cold turkey is the best way you know?" Erin said again, hopefully to convince herself as well.
"Sure kid," Hank said. "We caught a case. Call me when you get settled in and we'll discuss this thing a little more."
"Sure thing. Good luck and stay safe," Erin said as she hung up the phone and finally found the door to her apartment. She inserted the key and turned the knob and walked into her new home. Oddly it was very similar to the one she had in Chicago, the only difference is that her windows look out to the Hudson River and not Lake Michigan. Realization hit her; she was never going back to Chicago. This was going to have to do.
She sat on her new couch staring at her new TV and saw her phone light up on the coffee table. It was him again. His called was like clockwork. He would call every night at 8:00 sharp just as soon as she got home from work. She assumed it was before he met the guys at Molly's. She declined his call again and picked up the phone to call the only person she could count on these days. Burgess.
"Kim?" Erin asked as she heard her answer the phone.
"Where the hell have you been? Halstead said he's been calling you for a week and you haven't been answering. Where are you?" Kim ranted.
"You have to promise me you won't tell anyone. Especially Jay. He definitely can not know," Erin sternly spoke into the phone.
"I promise. Now tell me," Kim sounded a bit antsy.
"I'm in New York working with the FBI. But seriously Kim you can't tell Adam or Kevin, and especially Jay." She mentioned again.
"Seriously? New York? I was thinking you just took a vacation and would be back next week. You seriously moved out of Chicago. Why?" Kim's voice sounded sad and weak, kind of like she just lost her best friend. Erin felt the same way; her best friend was in a completely different time zone.
"Hank told me that the CPD either wanted me out of the unit or they were going to shut down the unit, so Hank set me up with an undercover gig for the feds."
"Hmmm, I'm going to miss you Er. Work's not going to be the same without you," Kim said.
"There's something else too. I need girl talk, like I have no one here and I'm in desperate need for my Kim time," Erin pleaded.
"What's up? I got time."
"I'm late," Erin whispered.
"Like late, late? You're never late," Kim said.
"I know Kim," Erin laughed. "My question is what do I do about it about it?" Erin bounced her knee and bit her lip.
"I'm pretty sure you're supposed to like see a doctor or something like that, or at least take a test," Kim laughed like it was obvious. "Whose is it anyway?"
"Jay's," Erin scoffed. "Obviously, who else would it be?"
"I don't know, I mean you haven't been together for like 4 weeks. It could be like some random hook up," Kim muttered.
"Kim I can barely sleep at night with Jay next to me. How could I possibly sleep with another man? Use your brain Kim," Erin responded.
"I'm sorry. You guys kept your relationship on the down low I keep forgetting you guys lived together," Kim spoke. "You know Jay was going to propose. That night you left. Had his mother's ring and everything. He was just waiting for you to get to Molly's so he could do it," Kim explained.
"Did he tell you he's married? Or was married, he married some girl in Vegas when he was there for a funeral for one of his army buddies. They didn't get an annulment, they didn't get a divorce, and they both just kept living their lives. That's why Jay didn't want to be together he wanted to figure out this marriage situation and try to get over his PTSD he hides so well. He wanted to do all of that without me," Erin cried.
"Oh…" Kim dragged. "Nope he didn't tell me that."
"I'm gonna go, I'll call you tomorrow after I take the damn test," Erin laughed.
"Okay, let me know if I can do anything," Kim offered. "I promise not to tell any of the guys either."
"Thank you," Erin smiled and hung up the phone. She kicked back and took a large gulp of water. Oh how much she wished this was a beer right now. She finished the movie that was on the TV and then crawled into bed. Tomorrow was going to be one of revelations.
Erin awoke with a startle as she heard her alarm, she didn't remember setting, blared through the apartment. She reached over to the other side of the bed and her stomach dropped when she found it empty. New York, she was in New York and Jay was in Chicago, and she was never going to see him again. The daily reminder she had to repeat every morning. She stood up slowly and walked to get a cup of coffee. Then it hit her. Can you drink coffee if you're pregnant? She decided not to chance it and grabbed more water instead. If water was going to be her replacement for coffee then she was going to be drinking a lot of it.
She walked into work muddling through. Her new partner Chris decided he was going to comment. "Rough night?" Chris laughed.
"Nah actually I just look like this every morning," she played back.
"Well in that case, let me go apply for a new partner," Chris laughed.
"Ha ha you're so funny," Erin fake laughed as she walked into her boss' office. "Hey you got a sec?" Erin asked.
"Yeah sure. C'mon in," her boss Lyle said.
"I have a doctor's appointment during lunch today. I just wanted to let you know just in case it runs late and I don't make it back in time," Erin informed.
"No problem," Lyle said as his phone began ringing.
Erin took that as her cue to leave. She walked back to her desk and went to the break room to fill her glass of water.
"Water huh? Shouldn't you be on your like fourth cup of coffee by now?" Chris laughed.
"Oh yeah, I've been trying to cut down on it. Four cups before noon seems like a lot, don't you think?" Erin pushed.
"Yeah, I mean I guess so," Chris shrugged. "Yo, we're all going to go out for drinks tonight, wanna join?"
"Um… I'll let you know. I don't know what my plans are yet," Erin avoided. She's been avoiding going out with her coworkers all week. She used to go out with the guys all of the time. But that was then this is now, plus the fact that it would look weird going to a bar and not drinking thanks to this baby that might or might not be there.
"You've been avoiding coming with us all week," Chris observed. "What's up with that?"
"I've been settling in. I left a lot of people in Chicago. It's not easy to just jump right in," Erin shrugged. "You're the closest thing I have to a friend here, so that's saying something," Erin laughed.
"So come out with us, you can meet others from the different departments. It'll be fun," Chris tried to persuade her.
"I'll think about it," she shrugged and started back to her desk to get started to work.
"Well I'm off for lunch," Erin announced and stood up with her coat.
"It's only 11:00," Chris laughed.
"I'll be back," Erin left the office and headed towards the doctor's office Olivia recommended. The quick 10-minute walk was a nice way to start stressing her out. All of the thoughts racing through her mind last night came flooding back. She could feel her heart rate begin to rise faster and faster the closer she got to the office.
She walked into the office. "Erin Lindsay," Erin told the receptionist.
"Ah yes, I have you down here. Just fill out this paperwork and we'll try to get you in a room as soon as possible," the receptionist handed her a stack of papers and she turned to find a seat in the very crowded waiting room.
She looked through the papers. They wanted information about her grandparents and her father and her mother's birth history. None of this information she could answer. She filled it out as best as she could and returned it to the receptionist. "I filled it out as best as I could. A couple of the things I'm unsure about."
"That's okay," she took the papers and Erin returned to her seat. She watched the clock. Minute after minute after minute, and they still hadn't called her name. She was getting antsy, knee bouncing. She was picking at her fingers when the heard her name called by one of the nurses. She slowly stood and walked in the direction of the nurse holding her clipboard. They walked to the room in silence.
"So here's a gown and a cup, bathroom is across the hall. We're going to need to take some blood for more tests. The doctor should be in after we do those for confirmation," The nurse shut the door and Erin changed into the gown and sneaked across the hall into the bathroom. She peed into the cup and sneaked back across the hall into her original room. A couple minutes later the nurse walked in with a tools to draw blood. After that Erin just sat waiting, for a nurse or the doctor. She's never going to make it back to work on time. She thought this was going to be a quick you're pregnant or you're not pregnant thing.
After what felt like forever, there was a knock at the door. "Ms. Lindsay?" The doctor spoke. "I'm Dr. Linkston. So good news, you're pregnant."
"Oh…" talk about ripping off the band aid. "Okay."
"I take it this wasn't planned?" Dr. Linkston asked. "That's okay, we've got a lot of those. Are you in touch with the father?"
"He's in Chicago, we had a falling out," Erin confessed. "He's not in the picture anymore," Erin simplified.
"Okay, well you have options you know," he began to explain.
"I know the options. I'm not sure yet," Erin confessed.
"Let's get into more information. Do you know when your last period was?" He looked at his clipboard.
"Um, I can't remember exactly but I think it was the third of last month," she responded. Trying to recall exactly when it was. It has been such a stressful couple of months.
"Okay, then lay back and I'll see if I can find a heartbeat. Don't be alarmed; the heart doesn't begin beating until around the eighth week of development. So from what you believe, you're only around the third or fourth week. We will know more when your blood results come back," the doctor stood and pulled the Doppler out of the drawer and the gel. He covered her up and poured the gel over her abdomen. He brought the Doppler to her skin and began moving it around. All of a sudden whoosh filled the room. "Sounds like we are a little further along than we thought," the doctor laughed. "So I'll give you a prescription for prenatal vitamins and a list of foods you are and are not allowed to eat," The doctor stood up. "If you do decide you don't want it we have resources here for you, so give us a call. But until then take the vitamins and try to reduce your stress as much as possible."
"Can I drink coffee?" Erin asked. "Also, exercise? Can I still run and stuff?"
"One cup of coffee a day with caffeine. Decaffeinated coffee is okay. Exercise as much as you normally did before. No lifting weights, but you can run," the doctor explained.
"Okay thank you," Erin sighed. "I'll see you in a month?"
"Yes, we'll give you a call later, today or tomorrow, with your blood test results," the doctor exited out of the room.
"You were gone long," Chris laughed as Erin walked in eating a sandwich. "You were gone all of that time on lunch and you're still eating a sandwich."
"I had an appointment I had to go to," Erin sat down and logged into her computer.
"You had to go to the divorce attorney too? Mine's next week," Chris joked.
"Yeah ya know gotta get this damn husband off my back," Erin pulled her head towards her computer screen. She tried to ignore all of the sound around her and focus on her work. Finally at the end of the day she stood up.
"Did you decide if you're coming out tonight?" Chris asked.
"I'm not going to make it," Erin fake smiled and shrugged her shoulders. "Sorry," she left the office and walked back to her apartment.
She pulled off her shoes and plopped on the couch. She opened the paper the doctor gave her listing the foods she wasn't allowed to eat. Damn this list is long, she thought. No fish, shellfish, sushi, deli meat, soft cheeses, alcohol, well that one was obvious. But, this list just kept going. She had to call Kim.
"Hello?" Kim answered in a rush.
"Are you at Molly's?" Erin asked.
"Yeah, we just finished a case. I pretended I had to go to the bathroom. What'd the doctor say?"
"It's official, I'm pregnant. I heard the heartbeat today Kim. I mean I thought I was just like pregnant but the doctor says I'm like eight or nine weeks along. He's not sure said he'll call tomorrow," she was in awe.
"That's the best sound isn't it?" Kim smiled. "I remember when my sister was pregnant with Zoe.
"Okay, you get back to the guys. I'll let you know when the doctor calls," Erin quickly ending the call.
She had to digest it all. This is a lot of information. Eight weeks ago she and Jay were in love and together and didn't have any problems. Eight weeks ago to the day they were celebrating the hard case they just cracked. Today she's sitting in New York alone in her own apartment pregnant.
5 Years Later
"Mommy, I can't find that dress," the little girl ran around the apartment frantically searching.
"Hunny, your dress is not going to be under the couch," Erin laughed. The little girl stood up and crossed her arms.
"This is a serious matter mommy. I'm going to be meeting new people, I have to look my best," she continued staring at her mother.
"Okay I'll see if it's in the clean laundry. I don't think so though," Erin left the kitchen and moved into her bedroom. She searched through the laundry in the basket and found the dress her daughter was looking for. "This one?" Erin questioned as she walked into her daughter's room.
"Yas! Mommy you're the best," Charlotte excitedly jumped up and down as her mother gave her the dress.
"Put that on quickly or we're going to be late," Erin walked out of the room and went to put her shoes on before they left. Charlotte came stumbling in the living room dragging her suitcase behind.
"Mommy, it's too heavy. I'll never be able to carry it," she cried.
"Char, you can roll it. It has wheels," Erin laughed as her four year old struggled with her suitcase.
"Where are we going?" Charlotte asked.
"To Chicago where Mommy grew up. Grandpa Hank is excited to see you," she mentioned.
"I love Grandpa Hank, I haven't seen him since I was three," she jumped excitedly.
"I know," she laughed as she pulled the suitcases towards the door. "Ready munchkin?"
"Ready," Charlotte stood next to the door. She was excited to leave. Erin however, she hasn't been back to Chicago or talked to anyone but Kim and Hank. Now Kim was having her own kid and she felt like she had to be there for her. Kim had her back for the past five years, now it was her turn.
"Grandpa Hank!" Charlotte ran up to her grandfather and wrapped her arms around his neck.
"Hey munchkin," Hank hugged her back. "How old are you now? Like ten?" Hank joked.
"No silly, I'm four," Charlotte laughed as she held up four fingers.
"Oh I'm sorry," Hank stood up and hugged Erin. "How are you feeling being back home?"
"I'm feeling nervous. I really don't want to see the guys," Erin flinched saying those words.
"Mommy, who are they guys? Are they like the mean guys that are in my book?" Charlotte asked.
"No, just old friends from when Mommy used to live here," Erin picked Charlotte up and rested her on her hip. The three of them walked towards Hank's car.
They crossed over the same bridge she sat looking at the city skyline five years ago waiting to leave for New York. The skyline hasn't changed at all; the only difference is the fact that it's daylight.
"Not much has changed around here kid. The only thing is Adam and Kim are having a kid," Hank mentioned.
"Wait, it's Adam's?" Erin looked surprised.
"She didn't tell you?" Hank looked surprised.
"Nope she said it was just some guy she's been seeing. Forgot to mention it's her ex-boyfriend," Erin scoffed.
"Well, husband," Hank muttered.
"Well seems as though I've missed a lot. I mean you barely let Jay and I be together but here you are with Adam and Kim together, married, with a kid on the way," Erin announced frustrated.
"Wait, Jay, like daddy Jay?" Charlotte asked from the back seat.
"Yes baby, Jay like daddy Jay. He works for Grandpa Hank. Just like Mommy did," Erin answered.
"Grandpa Hank, you tried to break up Mommy and Daddy?" Charlotte scoffed from the back seat. "How could you?"
"Charlotte, your mommy wasn't always the same as she is now. She was young back then," he answered.
"Grandpa Hank, I've learned from a very young age that Mommy is not old she is still young. I can't believe you don't know that. I know that, and I'm only four," Charlotte sassed.
"You're right munchkin, I'm sorry," he fake apologized.
"When's Kim's shower again?" Erin asked.
"3, you have a couple of hours to get settled in and changed before you have to head over," Hank answered.
"Mommy, don't I get to come?" Charlotte asked as she sat on the bed watching her mother get dressed.
"Yes, but you're already dressed. You wore that pretty dress to meet people. Remember?" Erin finished curling her hair.
"Oh yeah," she laughed. "I forgot."
"Silly goose," Erin smiled. "Put your shoes on we getting ready to leave."
"Am I going to meet Daddy?" Charlotte asked.
"I'm not sure if he's going to be there baby. But, do me a favor and let me tell him before you work your girly magic on him okay?" Erin pleaded.
"Okay," Charlotte tried to wink. "Just let me know when I can go in for the kill," she smiled as she stood to put on her shoes.
"You got it girl. Let's go work some Lindsay magic," she followed Charlotte down the stairs and into the car.
They arrived to the shower at exactly 3 pm. The street already lined with cars.
"Mommy? Are we late?" Charlotte asked from the backseat.
"I don't think so," Erin questioned. "Let's go see," she opened the door and then let Charlotte out of the car.
"Mommy, what if they don't like me?" She questioned.
"Oh baby," Erin bent down in front of her. "You're a spitting image of me, they'll love you," she smiled and pulled her in for a hug. "Just be yourself," she stood up and took Charlotte's hand in hers as they walked towards the door. Erin knocked.
"Kim, isn't everybody here?" A voice asked as they opened the door. "Erin?" The voice asked. "A mini Erin? What the hell is going on?"
"It's good to see you too Adam," Erin reached to pull him into a hug. "Congratulations on the baby by the way," she laughed.
"Why is there a kid next to you," he whispered in her ear.
"Adam Ruzek I'd like to introduce you to my daughter Charlotte."
"It's nice to finally meet you Uncle Adam. I've heard a lot of things about you. Mostly bad so I'd watch your back," Charlotte winked and walked past him into the house.
"She's your replica," he stood there stunned.
"That's what happens when you raise a kid alone. There's no one else for them to take after," she winked also and walked past them into the house. She followed the same path as her four year old and walked into a room filled with the heros of Chicago.
"Erin!" The crowd cheered as she walked into a room.
"Hey guys," she smiled as everybody gave her hugs, everyone but the man in the corner.
"Pssssst," Erin felt a tug at her shirt. She saw her daughter tugging. She bent down so Charlotte could whisper in her ear. "He's in the corner," she pointed.
"I know baby. I saw him. Give me five minutes," Erin winked.
"I can't tell time, so be quick," Charlotte pushed. Erin nodded and stood up.
"Can we talk?" She looked towards Jay. "Please," she pleaded.
"Yeah," he stood and they made their way out the front door.
"Aunt Kim!" Charlotte shouted as she ran to say hi.
Erin and Jay sat on the stoop on the front porch. "You just left."
"I'm sorry. I couldn't stand talking to you without being with you. It took everything for me to give you your birthday present. I could barely look at you when we were at work. I was tired of pretending everything was fine," she whispered and wiped a tear as it fell.
"I was going to propose you know. I signed the divorce papers and we were officially filed. But you never showed up to Molly's and you never answered my calls," he sighed.
"I'm sorry. I don't know what else to say."
"And then you come here five years later with a kid?" Jay cried. "A kid Erin."
"Her name's Charlotte. She's four well, almost five," she began to tell Jay.
"Erin," Jay began to speak.
"Let me get this out please?" Erin requested. "When I got to New York I found out I was pregnant. I called Kim freaking out. She convinced me to go to the doctor. I was thinking I was like 4 or 5 weeks pregnant. Turns out I was like 9 weeks. She's yours Jay. You're a dad," she turned to look at him, his eyes wide and mouth open. This he obviously wasn't expecting.
"You didn't think I should know?" He asked.
"Of course you deserve to know. I just didn't have it in me to call you. And don't be mad at Kim, I made her promise not to tell anyone," she pushed because none of this was Kim's fault. "I have to warn you though. Charlotte knows everything about you. She knows that you're her father and I promised her I'd tell you quickly so she can give you a huge hug and tell you all about her school."
"You told her about me?" Jay asked.
"Every day," she smiled.
"Can I go? We'll talk more later?" He stated.
"Absolutely," she smiled and watched him open the door. The next thing she knew her four year old was running through the hallway screaming.
"DADDY!" Charlotte ran into her father's arms. "I've been waiting my whole life to meet you," she whispered. "Well only 2 years I can't remember if I've been waiting longer," she corrected. Jay laughed.
"You're just like your mom, you know that?" He questioned.
"I've been told once or twice," she shrugged.