Professor Snape and Professor Smith
A tale of Two Professors
Professor Snape walked into the Great Hall. He saw the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. The man had brown hair that was put in a ponytail, oval glasses, and sported a ridiculous grin. "Great," thought Professor Snape. "Another Lockhart,"
Snape slumped into his seat at the High Table. The teacher changed from his seat to an empty one next to Snape.
"Hi," said the man with a stupid wide smile on his face. "My name's Professor Smith Smith."
"That's nice," said Snape absentmindedly, though it wasn't nice at all. What kind of name was Smith Smith?
"Guess what?" asked Professor Smith, taking out a burrito from his amethyst bag that hung on the rung of the chair.
"What?" said Snape, chomping on a pancake.
"My name's Professor Smith," he said idiotically.
"I know," said Snape "You just told me!"
"You know what? "
"What?"
"My name's Professor Smith!"
"Yes…you said that already…twice."
"Hey…you know what?"
"YES I KNOW YOUR NAME IS PROFESSOR SMITH!" shouted Snape.
"No…could you pass the salt?" asked Professor Smith.
"Oh…yes," said Snape, embarrassed. He passed Smith the salt.
"Thanks, pal!" said Smith warmly, and hugged Snape.
"GET OFF ME YOU SLIMEBALL!" shouted Snape, and pushed Smith off of him, who was practically suffocating Snape to death.
A couple of minutes passed and Smith said "Guess what?"
"What?" asked Snape, who had forgotten what Smith kept saying.
"My name's Professor Smith!" said Smith, beaming at him like a lunatic.
Snape banged his head on the table and muttered to himself "WHY, God…WHY?"
"What was that?" asked Smith. "I'm sorry, I didn't quite catch that!" Suddenly, Professor Smith took out some applesauce from his womanly bag and a spoon. He started eating it in slow motion.
Snape couldn't take it anymore and left the table, mumbling under his breath about getting a private room to eat his meals
Snape was waiting for the fifth year Gryffindors and Slytherins to enter the classroom. He had considered doing something fun during this lesson, but decided against it. Why should the Gryffindors have any fun? Snape often thought of fun ideas for things to do in his classes, like rip out the pages of the Potions book in the seventh year, but never went through with them. If the school were full of Slytherins he would do it, but no. Not now, anyway.
Suddenly, without warning, the Slytherins and Gryffindors burst into the classroom and took their usual seats.
"Now," said Snape. "I hope you all have completed your Water Unicorn assignments…"
Then, out of the blue, Professor Smith came leaping into the classroom, singing "I'm a Little Teapot."
"SMITH!" bellowed Snape. "GET OUT OF HERE AT ONCE!"
Professor Smith didn't listen and kept right on singing and started knocking over cauldrons and students. People started screaming and running into one corner in terror, as if a tornado were coming.
"Children, there is nothing to be afraid of…" Snape was trying to be heard, but it wasn't working, no one could hear him over the screams.
Finally, Snape couldn't take it anymore and shoved Professor Smith out the door. When Smith was outside the door, he started crying, and Snape slammed the door in his face.
The Slytherins cheered and Snape bowed. Then he ushered them all back into their seats.
About fifteen minutes later, Smith came bursting into the classroom again, this time singing "Just a Spoonful of Sugar," from Mary Poppins.
This time, Snape was REALLY angry and tried to catch Smith and beat him to a pulp, but he couldn't catch up with Smith, who couldn't remember the rest of the words to "Just a Spoonful of Sugar" and started to sing "Germs!" by Weird Al Yankovich. Then he forgot the words to that and started to sing "Oops…I Did It Again" by Britney Spears.
When Smith finally left, Snape was very, very tired, and dismissed the students early. The Gryffindors cheered and stampeded out the door and the Slytherins shuffled out, upset all the excitement had ended.
Snape sunk into his chair and groaned. How was he going to shut up Smith for good? He decided to conjure up a Quieting Potion.
When he was done, he put it in a glass goblet with a golden snake on it and held it out with his arm, cackling with glee. Wisps of silvery smoke were bubbling out of the glass. Professor Snape smirked and headed to Professor Smith's classroom.
He opened the door slightly, but saw Smith was teaching a class. The potion would have to wait. Meanwhile, he would watch Smith's class. It looked like it was just starting.
"Hi," squealed Professor Smith. "My name's Professor Smith,"
Snape snorted.
"Now," said Professor Smith suddenly in a normal voice. "Dumbledore has told me you have not dealt with the Mummy's Curse yet, so I think we'll…"
Snape's mouth was open during the entire lesson. Smith was an outstanding teacher…he even took a few points from Potter occasionally… maybe Smith wasn't as dumb as Snape thought!
When the lesson was over, Smith called out to his students "Now, don't forget, I expect that essay to be ON THE NOTEBOOK PAPER I SUPPLIED! NO PARCHMENT! Have a nice day!" The students trundled out of the classroom and headed to other lessons. Smith came out of the classroom and saw a gaping Snape
"Ah, Snape! My best friend!" said Smith, suddenly stupid again. "I'm your best friend, right?"
"Uh, no…" said Snape. "But I have a drink for you! Want to try?" Snape shoved the concoction in Smith's face.
"Oh, dreamland's no!" shouted Smith. "That's a Quieting Potion…I don't want to be quiet! I WANT TO BE LOUD AND ROWDY!" And Smith went skipping down the hall, laughing insanely.
Snape defiantly knew now that Smith was not as stupid as he seemed. The question was…why was Smith only stupid around him?